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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:03:07 AM | listen here honey i went through 7 years of ass whippings and everytime things would be better. but you know what they got worse. the final straw for me was when i had a skull fracture broken nose teeth missing broken arm broken ribs and then 13 knots on my head where he rammed my head over and over again in the wall. and when he dropped kicked me then the last thing was a 38 to the side of my head alls i could do is ask god please don't let me suffer if this is it. and then it took all i had to get that last breath to tell him go ahead and kill me it will be a better place for me. then i went to the hospital and got seen and lied to them then the next day the police came and he was on the side of me with a shotgun and told me if i told the truth then he would just go ahead and do me in. finally i got the courge to leave him and he called me and sent me beautiful roses but 7 years of that shit was enough for me. and thank god i always said if any man ever hits me again i feel sorry for him. but listen you will go on with life. and just remember you was given a chance in life by god so take it and remember to live your life to the fullest as if it was your last like i do. i wish you luck in your journey in life. you will always have that fear but learn from it and never let your guards down. there is not enough love in the world to take an ass whippen from no man and if he does then he is no man. good luck. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:03:16 AM | OMG I am so glad that you are safe now and away from him.
My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and I was co-dependant on him so I understand the not being able to let go. We divorced but got back together 6 months later and then on and off again for 4 more years before I finally got him out of my system. I went into counseling and got much stronger and thankfully he moved 600 miles away.
Affirmations worked very well for me. Put them everywhere, the computer monitor, the bathroom morror, the car dash, everywhere you spend time. Say them out loud it has more impact.
You can do this, I know you can.
It gets easier I promise it does.
TC
Deb | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:16:58 AM | anyone who says a woman chooses to be with a man who beats them has NO understanding of domestic violence at all.
for some women, they come from being abused as kids, they know no other life but being bashed. they think its normal for a man to beat his wife and kids. some women in this situation don't even know that escape is even possible.
and it's not women of below average intelligence - there are some highly educated, intelligent women who have been so badly abused their entire lives that they think their treatment is normal, that it happens to everyone
others have such low self esteem from abuse, that even though they know it's not what other people have, they think it's how they are supposed to be treated and that they'd be wrong/bad/evil to try and leave.
other are simply trapped. some are disabled and are physically reliant on others and simply cannot get help. and please, don't insult reality by pretending otherwise.
i know because i was in that situation. once you have kids, there is NO services available to help disabled women with kids i they throw their violent husband out. no one to take me to my medical appointments, no one to take my daughter to her's. no one to take her to school (she started a month after i threw the creep out), no one to babysit when i was in too much pain to do anything.
no financial support beyond the pension, which, with the debts he ran up in my name before i had to kick him out, doesn't even pay the bills. no way to work to pay the bills. no child support becuase every time the CSA managed to locate where he was working, he'd quit again and claimed he'd only been there a few days (despite that being untrue, they'd never chase it up).
there were simply no servi ces out there to help. i spent a fortune i didn't have in calls, calling every agency in this state, and yet none were quite able to help.
quite simply with disabled women, many have the choice of staying with their abuser, or if they are "lucky" go into care and have their child fostered out, or if they are unlucky, go into care and have their child handed over to the violent father they are trying to protect their child from.
which leads me to the reason many women, quite justifiably, stay. two reasons. first is that they know if they stay, the guy might rough them up, but if they leave, the guy will kill them. and this happens. if you think domestic violence laws protect women, you are sorely mistaken. all DVO do is allow the police to have one more charge to charge someone with after they've killed the spouse who dare leave.
and then there is women in my situation.... as long as I was with my husband, 99% of the time he was only interested in bashing me. he couldn't care less about our daughter. he only ever tried to hurt her if i begged him to look after her so i could go to uni or doctor's appointments or similar. the rest of the time, he didn't want to know. i couldn't get him to spend time with her even if i begged. but i knew, the instant i kicked him out, he'd demand shared custody. not because he loved our daughter or wanted her as his daughter, but to be spiteful, to prove that she was HIS toy and not mine and he could take her and do whatever he liked whenever he liked, that she was his cute little mini-me that he could parade around like a prized pet and then go beat behind closed doors.
as long as he was with us, he wanted nothing to do with her, now that i've kicked him out, he's fighting tooth and nail for shared custody.
and before you think "oh he won't get any custody, he's a drug addict, he's been convicted of domestic violence, he's living with a woman who has had her own child removed for abuse by her, drugs were found in his house just recently", that idea is so wrong. i don't come from money, i gave up studying medicine for him, my injuries prevent me from working for the short term, all i got is legal aid for a lawyer. and my lawyer just wants to give him shared custody and won't even bother fighting. i can't request another lawyer because their policy is, if you don't like your legal aid lawyer's advice than pay for your own.
i even spoke to a counsellor at the court because i was so angry that my lawyer wants to do that and i can't afford another, and the counsellor (someone who is supposed to be neutral) said, these days, it wouldn't matter if he had a police record a mile long for bashing children, these days they just automatically assume shared custody, and unless he'd actually molested our daughter and i could prove it (the violence apparently means nothing), and done it recently, the court will give him shared custody. i tried saying, i know him, without me there to protect her when he flies into his violent psychotic rages, and with a slut mistress who actually encourages his violent rages and said she'll "support" him no matter what he does to our daughter, even if he kills her, who has said she won't stop him from doing anything to our daughter if she is there as well, that its "none of her business" if he bashes his daughter in front of her, my poor daughter more than likely won't last a single visit without serious injury or worse, end up dead.
but apparently none of it matters. neither the courts nor DOCS will do anything until AFTER he seriously injures our daughter. and too late if he injures her permanently or kills her. not to mention the emotional scars of any abuse that can last for life.
no, sorry, anyone who says a woman chooses to stay with a man who beats them, has no idea. no idea at all. some think its normal, some are so abused they think they deserve it and are bad if they leave, for others they know if they leave they'll end up on the streets or worse, and others are too scared that they or their kids will be killed if they try to leave - and with the absolutely crap legal system here, it happens, far too much. it's a real fear for some women.
the police can't or won't do anything many times either. even when you walk in covered in injuries, they refuse to press charges, coming out with nonsense like "you could have done that to yourself" or similar garbage, when you kick the **stards out and they and their friends and mistress ring you up and make death threats and hurl abuse, all they can say is "you can't prove they made threats", so you take in the threats made by email, with proof it came from their computer, all the police can say is "we'll get back to you" and no matter how many times you chase them up, they still have done nothing.
until the legal system and police can genuinely protect abused women, when their enough shelters for women to turn to, when disabled women and particularly disabled women with kids, have services that can help them, then you can say women choose to stay.
but most women, don't choose. it's the "choice" of default. there is no where for them to go where both they and their kids will be safe. its stay or live on the streets, it's stay or live in fear they or their kids will be killed when the guy finds them, it's stay or know their kid will end up in foster care because their are no services for single disabled mothers, or stay because the legal system will hand their kid over to their violent half the time if they do manage to leave.
no sorry, women dont' stay because they choose. they stay because there is nothing to choose that doesn't put them in an even worse situation.
rather than make women who already have had their self esteem battered for too long, sometimes their entire life, feel even more like crap and blame them for ending up in a situation not one of them asked for, how about putting that energy into campaigning for better services for victims of domestic violence, campaign for more shelters, campaign for help for women who are disabled or from non english speaking backgrounds or from other cultures, campaign for a legal system to be a justice system where courts don't hand over kids to violent parents and where the cops can do something about violent spouses other than give them a fine which is meaningless and nine times out of ten, the victim is forced to pay the fine to appease the abuser.
get out there and instead of making abused women feel like crap, make people understand that domestic violence is ALWAYS wrong, that the only person who chooses it is the abuser doing it. that no one deserves it. that women should be feel free to stay in any relationship without fear of violence.
the main reason why there is so such much domestic violence is because of this whole culture of blaming the victim. it is never the victim's fault.
don't make excuses for violent men. a woman should feel safe to stay with anyone without any fear of abuse at all.
so many people turn a blind eye to domestic violence. as long as they're not the one being bashed, it's not important to them. even when they know a friend or family member is bashing their wife and/or kids, they make excuses for not saying anything. "it's none of my business" "i can't stop them" "if they wanted my help they'd ask'. and the rest of the BS excuses they come up with.
domestic violence is everyone's business, everyone wants help but are usually too scared to ask or even too scared to want to ask, and yes, everyone can stop an abuser. you go to the police, you refuse to be friends with them, you confront them, whatever it takes to stop them abusing people.
although i'm probably just wasting my time. people rarely change their attitude towards making a difference for abuse victims. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:21:46 AM | You've been conditioned by this man to love him and depend upon him in spite of his abuse. You can't possibly deal with this yourself and no one on POF is qualified to help you. You need a good therapist, someone recommended through your doctor or you are doomed to repeat this awful experience with someone else. Good luck honey. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:30:22 AM | Hey,You have made the biggest and best move you will ever have to make in your life,its over now,I too have been through a violent relationship,mine was both mentally and sexually abusive,I too have with my kids been in refuge and counselling,that was in 2002.
you can only look ahead now,you are free,you will grow to trust and love again just as i have,your experiences will make you stronger in your mind than you ever have been before,i had a close loving,caring family to come home to,I faced my ex in court,I gave up my home,i had my kids and my sanity back what more can you want for,you asd i did will make some really good friends in Refuge who will in time never be forgotten and become part of your family,I have lots of friends i met there and we keep in touch helping each other out ast times.if you ever need a shoulder dont give in just get in touch on my username,i will be here for you,not all men are bad xx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:51:36 AM |
To the lady who thinks that i must have been in a relationship like this before ...no i havn't.
Thankfully!!! In light of that new information, it explains how this man so quickly sucked you in and isolated you. I would suspect you had the outrageous experience of your first involvement with what appears to be a true sociopath. A master of illusions, brilliant and exceptionally skilled at identifying one's vulnerabilities and painting a picture of perfection in a way without the victim even knows it's happening - as from the onset of these relationships, the subtleties of manipulation escape detection by their victim's internal radar.
You've got your work cut out for you as it pertains to the invisible damage you sustained mentally, emotionally, reactionally and more. My first abuser was in fact a sociopath whose manipulative expertise was so fine-tuned and subtle that he fooled the legal system, psychiatrists mandated to evaluate him, my family, my friends, my church, etc for nearly 8 years post-separation. In the process of that time frame, by the grace of God I survived an MVA against all medical odds (police suspected the cause was vehicle tampering, however my car was conveniently destroyed the next morning by the suspect so no evidence) that I would even survive the night and our daughter, although effectively functional in a good way in society now, remains in the psychiatric aspect DID to this day.
It is NOT your fault. Where your ownership is now:
Never going back,
Doing whatever is necessary and recommended by the counselors involved with you for your healing which is going to involve redefining personal boundaries as those have been shattered by your experience and more.
Your ownership is also making the decision supported by your actions not to even consider dating until you have effectively healed from your experience which includes identification of the "red flags" that were always there from the beginning, so that you don't miss them in the future.
I just emailed you some links you'll find helpful as well as some book suggestions you may find helpful.
You WILL heal from this and find yourself again. It's a little like learning to walk. You're standing right now and taking your first steps. Don't get discouraged if you should fall. first steps are like that. Just get back up every time you stumble, dust yourself off, and take more steps towards where you want to be.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:11:57 AM | | i so understand where ur comig from i was in a violent relationship for 10 years b4 he put me in the hospital almost dead. now ive been divorced for 7 years and im happier now. i do understand how you wanted to stay by his side all that time i loved my ex thru it all and still do in a way but i dont know why, i probably would have stayed still if he hadnt put e in the hospital but now i see the signs clearly and will never put myself in that situation again i deserve better and so do you no woman deserves to be abused i now volunteer with abused women it helps to talk to them and i hope my past helps them with their situation you should be very proud of yourself you sound like youve got it together now congrats on your new life you go girl | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:16:27 AM |
He always threatened to kill himself if i left him.
You should have let him. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:49:07 AM | I work in a Women's Refuge and I have also been in an abusive relationship, many years ago. (I don't like the label, victim or survivor!!) I have read many of the threads and you have been offered some good advice, on the whole........
It is very early days and don't think that you can run before you can walk.... you are doing really well, but I would say you still have some way to go. On average a woman will leave 7 times before she leaves for good, but she gets a little bit stronger each time.
Domestic Abuse can be so gradual that many people do not realise (entirely) what they have been through until they actually leave, or until they have been in the relationship for a long time......
And with most emotions, they cannot be switched on and off like a light bulb.........A very powerful example would be a child who is abused by a parent: they would not like what is done to them, but they would not stop loving that person!!
It would be simple if it was as cut and dried as some people seem to think. Surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good and that pass the time, because time is the key.
Try to do most things for yourself as this will empower you and that is what you need.
You will become the person you used to be, but as I said earlier, don't try to run before you can walk. Take one day at a time and take advantage of the support that is on offer.
Talk, Talk, Talk and Talk....... And remember that NO ONE has the right to abuse you. YOU deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
If you want to chat - leave me a message and I will be happy to talk to you.
Well done for coming this far and realising that you are worth more than he can offer you. Good luck with the rest of your journey........you will get there......I did. XX | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:16:54 PM |
You're never going to be the person you once were before he entered your life.
Actually, you can become a wiser and stronger person for having dealt with all this.
First off, please try to rebuild your relationships with your family and friends, get back to some knd of employment( or even volunteer work!) if you can.
As strong as your temptation is to withdraw and isolate yourself, DON'T. Trust me I watched my Mom( God rest her soul) do EXACTLY this, and it made her last years of cognizant life lonely and depressing. Her ex was never in prison, in fact to the average casual observer he was the salt of the earth,but the pattern of isolation and destruction of her self esteem were the same.
Don't get real clingy on any one person, group or activity...explore what's out there.
Seek out counseling and support. Right now I don't recommend that you attempt to forge any kind of serious committed relationship, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating, having fun, making new friends.
You can come out on the other side of this as a better person with a better life!
Cindy O | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:23:15 PM | | Hey you are a smart guy. I love what you wrote. It is very true. I was also in a violent relationship. These men are sick and very good at what they do! But women need to be stronger! The RED flags are always there! It all starts from your childhood. Anyhow good on you! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:25:50 PM | | My goodness - I knew people could be cruel but that is just misery - yet and still - you rise. You can nothing about the past but you can definately do something about the future. Time does heal - you light is still shinning. The guy was a coward - that is not a man, that was a boy that took his frustrations out on you - and yet you rise. You are a strong individual - my hats off to you. Mend the broken bridges, smile when you wanna frown - and just know that there is another woman out there going through the samething - be strong for them as well. God Bless you and good luck | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:27:59 PM | OP, look into narcissistic personality disorder... I believe you will find that describes your beau to a T and it will also help you understand how you could be taken from a whole person to just a broken shell.
You are not alone, many others on this site have been through the same thing (some guys included) and everyone manages to walk out the other side better and stronger because of it.
You have my prayers!
Pete | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:31:16 PM | I just want to say that you will get through this. Unfortunately, an abusive relationship injures your self-esteem and you believe that you can't make it alone. I am here to tell you that you can! You will again be happy though I think you will remain ever cautious. However, that's really a protection against having to go through this again.
The one thing I will share with you is that you really need to stay active and keep pushing yourself to do things, even through tears. The pain will eventually go away.
Rely on your friends and don't be afraid to share your thoughts with them...you have to have a good support system.
I wish you all good things! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:38:01 PM | Been there, done that and I couldn't agree more with the "Just be vigilant!" I grieved but a little each day, I was able to put it further behind me and it didn't hurt so much. I've woven it into the fabric of my life and honestly, I'm a better person. I have never felt stronger or more sure of myself but it took some time.
If you stand tough, you'll get there. I promise. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:57:08 PM | your male family members and male friends should have given him a blanket party with ball bats and it works very well the first time after they read the warning note put in their pocket when the party is over.
it being done around here with amazing results. its being done because the abused can not get help thru the police or the courts and that does not faze or stop the abusive men.
but a blanket party stops them unless they want to be crippled for life, if they punch then their hands and fingers are broken and the bones are all smashed so they can't be fixed and if they kick, lets just say that they will never stand or walk agin.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:26:57 PM | I just had to respond to this post.... after over 25 years of abuse, i fled, with the help of a womans shelter. That was 4 years ago, and i can tell you now, you are not ready for any relationships and for God's sake, dont go back. YOU have to get help, any womans abuse shelter in the yellow pages will give you group or individual therapy information. You must go, and go often. I learned that i didnt think i was worth anything more than what little he gave me, i learned i had a problem, just as much as he did. Oh i wanted to go back to him, even up to a few weeks ago, but now, i have my freedom and im not giving it up again for him or anyone. So 4 years later, still single and really still not sure if i can ever trust again and still getting therapy. But I KNOW, IM WORTH BETTER
Stay tough, and remember "One day at a time", keep saying it over and over.
Good luck (i hope this made sense, i have so much to say)
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I'm so happy for you; thanks for the post and giving people hope; again, I still disagree with the poster saying we should coddle people. There is a time for great sorry and sympathy, but then enough is enough.
When you start seeing that its not about your misgivings, and that its about a mans sickness, then you can empower yourself to get out of it.
you should be commended greatly. Again, there just comes a time when enough is enough. Stop the madness in your life and grieving for something that was so horrendous; let the healing begin but it will only begin when you are honest about the situation, and clearly see the reality, instead of the fantasy. I think this goes beyond abusive relationships in your case. Get some help and stay strong. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:10:55 PM | Msg: 5
Felanie, you said everything to this incredible woman that I wanted to say. Now I don't have to, as you have explained the cycle to her perfectly. The most important thing, OP, is GET SOME COUNSELING. I am here to tell you that if I had not found my way into counseling, there is no doubt in my mind I would be dead. But as a result of counseling, I have not been in a relationship with a man since my abusive ex husband (1987) that has raised his hand to me. It IS possible to overcome this. You can heal, move on, and learn the tools you need to make sure you NEVER end up with a man who abuses you again. You cannot do it alone however, as you pointed out. You have done an incredible job so far, just keep plugging along, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You can do it. You ARE doing it! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:23:18 AM |
When you start seeing that its not about your misgivings, and that its about a mans sickness, then you can empower yourself to get out of it.
Powerful truths in that statement.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:30:43 AM | llynass that was a really touching story, I like the fact that you are so firm and 'patient' with the other man. Most people will be left angry and 'broke', and take it out on all the other 'men' in the world.
What this man needed was psychiatric help, his insecurities, lack of self-esteem drive him to becoming posessive over you. And end up hurting the woman he loved.
I'm glad for you that you ended this relationship, I hope the guy gets help soon. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:52:48 AM | | well I hope u are over that and getting help-- I was hit all the time by my ex she thought it was part of love.. I did not know what she was doing..she was so mean .. but it was ok as long as she hit me... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 9:07:24 AM | I can't begin to count the women I have met like you over my lifetime who have had exactly the same experiences. At first, I used to feel sorry for them, but today I feel quite differently. Quite often people get what they deserve, because they invite disaster into their lives. They confuse love with some distorted neurotic nitemare, and then they cry to everyone poor me.
Let's look at the situation in more detail. The abuser, generally men, always recognize their victims or the abused. Women who have the necessary characteristics are generally non-assertive females with low esteem or a poor self image. They are generally desperate for love willing to believe any sweet platitudes a man will murmur to them.
Abusers are always super nice in the early stages of the relationship. They seem like wonderful thoughtful men who's only desire is to do everything in their power to please the female. However, once they have the female under their spell, they begin to reveal their true selves. The control starts off with minor things and progresses to bigger and bigger ones. They will resort to verbal and physical abuse to maintain their control over the female.
When they resort to physical abuse which is always accompanied by verbal, they will afterwards try to make amends for their terrible behavior by whining and crying and swearing to God that it will never happen again. Of course, the female believes all of this rubbish and she forgives him. And of course this same pattern of behavior keeps repeating itself.
Why are men like this? Well these men were raised in a home where Dad abused Mom and they are simply repeating this behavior. This is the only way they know how to treat women. Of course, to start, they know that they can better attract the fly, the female, better with honey than vinegar.
There's another much more serious problem with these men. These men don't know how to deal with their feelings, since the most common expressions of feelings they experienced during their childhood years were the panoply of negative emotions such as anger.
Life is very short and none of us have the time to waste on misery. Unfortunately, the world is filled with lonely women who have done just that. I don't suppose much can be done for them, because I don't think they have the ability to recognize worthwhile partners in life. A therapist friend of mine tells me that these women generally need several years of therapy to correct their behavior yet few get it.
However, I can point out a few things which most of you'll ignore. The first is you can't change a man's behavior. At the first sign of abuse walk out the door or throw him out the door - you're done. Second, it takes time to know another human being. Most OK men aren't full of romantic platitudes and smooth lines. This kind of talk takes practice and experience. Also OK men aren't too perfect. In fact, at first, they may seem like bumblers.
In any case, the old saying is fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I figure an awful lot of women should own up to the fact they are responsible for their own happiness and misery.
The Eagle | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 9:14:05 AM |
The first is you can't change a man's behavior. At the first sign of abuse walk out the door or throw him out the door - you're done. Second, it takes time to know another human being.
Actually, Eagle, the only behavior one can change is one's own.
old saying is fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
It is precisely that reason that I contend mutual culpability on the abusive relationship.
Excellent points in your post overall.
I still disagree with the poster saying we should coddle people. There is a time for great sorry and sympathy, but then enough is enough.
I too disagree with coddling. It's one thing to be sensitive to a victim's situation and dilemma and quite another to be coddling. Coddling to me is more condescending and unempowering in that it feeds the victim thinking processes already in place by virtue of the situation. Victims in abusive relationships already feel powerless because they see themselves as victims. Validation is another matter. Absolutely validate that the abuse has happened or is happening. And speak the truth they need to hear, not what they want to hear.
Exiting an abusive relationship is a process, although too many people view it as an event and judge far to harshly the ones who remain, or leave and return over and over again. Every abusive relationship is uniquely different, as are its partners. While the behavior dynamics are similar in nature, what empowers one victim to leave isn't going to be the same as what empowered another who successfully left.
When a person is drowning, they don't need anyone telling them they are drowning. They already know it! So why stand on the edge of the pool wasting time telling them what they already know when one could just as easily throw that person a rope to grab hold of so they don't drown?
Ropes: validation
the objective truth
choices (has to be their choice to act on them)
options
safety/safety plan
sensitivity
resources
support - emotional, therapeutic, shelter
love them where they are
a listening ear
etc
All of the above and more are ropes and while no one but the victim can choose to grab the rope being offered, it still plants a seed. While the one planting the seed may never know if it ever took root, plant it anyway. Those seeds do in fact take root. IME
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 9:15:35 AM | This is all part of the normal grieving process. Remind yourself that it isn’t him that you miss, it’s the life you wanted with him, the man you wanted him to be. Humans need consistency and that life is all you know. Your life feels out of balance because everything has changed. You no longer know what to expect each day. You will find peace if you allow yourself. Be open to the changes and know that even though things feel scary and unpredictable at the moment, they won’t always. It took time to get to where you are now, it will take time to gain back the strength, so just allow yourself that time. Don’t focus on being able to trust other people. Focus on learning to trust yourself. Determine who you want to be, what you want in and for your life, and strive for that on a daily basis.
I would recommend continuing in therapy if you aren’t already. Learning to trust yourself when you’ve had years of “brainwashing” is a very difficult process. You need an objective party to help you sort out what is reality vs what is distortion.
Life is all about choices, not blame, so don't look for blame. Look for a way to make better choices. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/29/2008 7:56:44 PM | When you are stronger, and expect this to take 3 years - at least as long as the abuse, be extremely careful and very guarded about sharing your past.
I think some men experience a kind of orgasm at the prospect of hurting a female who they think may take the abuse again. So, whatever you do, don't give a future partner any impression that you are someone who will ever take abuse again, don't discuss this past with a man it is just too dangerous - they have very very opportunistic egos that will have you back on the merry-go-round as fast as you can blink. Remember attention from a man is only a mating instinct and nothing deeper except for a very few rare men indeed, remember that and it will make it easier to discard a man when he overstays his welcome. How you find one that can think past his groin and that only, could be a very long search, but make it clear to any future screw partner what your terms and conditions are. If you regard a man just as a screw - you won't be so vulnerable to getting hurt nor will you be expecting affection where there is none to be had. God and dogs indeed make the best partner a woman can ever have.
I hope you get yourself checked for a full battery of stds including Herpes, do a cleansing diet and boost your system with vitamins.
Remove anything from the house that reminds you of his toxcity, most especially throw out the mattress and anything he has touched if you can, or scrub it thoroughly to remove his energy. Repaint and most especially treat with suspicion any opened food that he may have had access to, including sugar. Have your car checked, including the brakes. Move when you are up to it and change your name and change your car's number plates. If it is compatible with your religious beliefs get healings like Reiki for yourself, and try to throw out as much of the old wardrobe as you can manage.
You will need counselling and good friendships and networks for a long time. I hope you rebuild your family relationships and join groups to get you out of the house and around more people. Part of the road to recovery is in you deciding you want to put the past behind you - make it a mantra fro yourself and fill your walls with positive affirmations, pleasant pictures and peaceful poetry.
Every time you do something new for yourself, chalk it up as a personal win. Every time you flush the toilet - flush him out of you as well, with every spit of toothpaste reject every thought as plegm. | |
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