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| | Domestic ViolencePage 3 of 17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17) | | Abusers are just jerks that don't love themselves. Just rely on you for now. Look up some old friends or family for support. You'll be surprised who's there for you! Just watch out for the guys that swear they'll never hit you then slowly manipulate your mind. You are vulnerable now and have to watch out for the ones that take advantage of that! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:45:12 AM | | I was in a violent relationship and it took me 10 years to get out of it. After I finally left for the final time, I fell into a case of the "crazies." I had to find myself all over again. It has been 8 years since I left. In the meantime, I managed to get married to another abuser and had another child. I divorced this man 2.5 years ago and have since started college, I work part-time and take care of my children. It is very hard to try and get your life back after abuse. Since my last divorce, I have finally started to find myself again. I am more confident and definitely notice the "signs" a lot quicker. I don't take any guff from anyone; if anything, I find that I'm too critical when in comes to dating. I'm not sure if one can ever totally get over the abuse, as it really lowers your self-esteem. I've been in counseling, which helps, and I have a wonderful support system. Without that, I don't think I would be as far as I am now. I have gotten rid of the role "victim" and have taken on the role of survior. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. Hang in there. It does take a while but you can get your life back. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:47:24 AM | | Oops, forgot something. Just make sure you stay single while trying to get over this because I find that one just repeats the cycle of abuse when jumping into another relationship too quickly after a breakup with someone that was abusive. You need this time to be alone and figure out what you want for your life. It was easy for me because I hated men for a while. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:24:58 PM | Hi you....Ok I came out of a violent relationship after 8 years which was 18 months ago...Best days work ever... I am clever, good figure and great person too....The way I see it is, I allowed to happen and when I was ready I got out... It is tough, you will get good days and bad days..I do not hate all men, because there are some nice ones..You have to say what you want, how you would like to be treated, it s easier said than done...
I compare it to this..." Place a frog into a pan of hot water and it will jump out". However "Place a frog in a pan of cold water and gradually warm it up, the frog will get used to the climate and remain".
My ex had issues not me, he tried to make them mine and I allowed it.. I have no one in the world bar my son and I get tough days when I want to lean on someone but I remember the man who made me loose a tooth..A man who robbed me of a pregnancy through his temper and a man who I feared at home...
BE HONEST TO YOU AND THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE..YOU ARE WORTH A NICE MAN..DONT LISTEN TO LOVE SONGS THEY ARE ABOUT LOVE THAT HURTS..LOVE DOESNT HURT....ITS COMPROMISING ON BOTH SIDES.....
ODILE XXX | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 3:07:45 AM | | An abusive relationship becomes an addiction which affects every aspect of your life. Your not alone. It almost cost me my life the last time I left my abusive ex with my three kids. I felt so insecure and scared. I felt that everyone looked down on me because of my failed relationship as if I could have done something to fix it. I feared I'd never be able to trust another man with my heart and i'd spend my life alone. Well I'd rather be alone than in that hell again. I have found trust again but it's taken a long time. Even better is that I'm not afraid to stand alone now and fight for what is right. I went to a safe house to get away from him and it changed my life forever. I met other women who had suffered the same violence as I had, received excellent counselling, and learned to start my life over. I realized there that it wasn't me who caused the violence, I learned to love myself again, and enjoy being me. I am stronger because of my experinces. Stop going to places you went with him!!! Your torturing yourself. Constant reminders of him will only prevent the healing process from beginning. There is life after him, a far greater life. Go and find you again. You can build a better life than you had before him when you learn to believe in yourself again. Love is all around you but he has blinded that light. Shut him out and you'll see the light again. You are worth saving. You are beautiful and you can achieve freedom from hell. Believe it and the healing process will start. He doesn't deserve you, he's to blame, and he'll never change. Hold your head up and move on. It took me about a year before I communicated with my ex because he is my daughters father. I felt nothing but great that he no longer had the power to hurt me. To this day he tells me how much of a mistake he made when he lost me. The funny thing is that every one he's had a relationship with since I left has cheated on him and done all the things he falsely accused me of. The victory is mine and can be yours too. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:19:17 PM | Thanx again to all responders with words of encouragement am so grateful to you all.
Went to court yesterday and 'HE' pleaded not guilty to 4 serious charges. I therefore have to go and take the stand in July. Am terrified that if he can fool me each time then he can fool the jury as well and he may. I AM STILL GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one question....... his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:39:33 PM | Do you have reports from the hospital? Pictures to back up your claims? Records of police reports?
Of COURSE his family is going to stand up for him. They probably also think he didn't deserve to be in jail, becuase he was always such a nice little boy. Some families are blind that way.
I was in an abusive relationship. So were both of my sisters. So was one of my nieces. It's a terrible pattern to see in my own family. It takes courage to get out. I applaud you for your strength.
Don't be afraid of taking the stand. Is there a lawyer or legal aide you can talk to? Maybe someone who can help you to prepare? You are doing the right thing. Don't worry. There are plenty of programs, hotlines and support groups for victims of domestic violence. You have time to prepare. Do some research and find some people who can help you with this.
Good luck!
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:40:02 PM | | canam..This is a mistake people make regarding women who have experienced domestic violence with a partner...You cant force someone to "hate" anyone.....Telling her to hate her ex isnt going to fix anything if she dosent feel that...Most women feel ambivilent about leaving even when they know its the right decision...Abusers often have many charming and redeaming qualities and strengths about them...If it was that easy to leave them and they were all one sided terrible monsters the media makes them out to be, women could have left more more easily.....But batterers are often good looking, have alot of friends, are highly skilled, intelligent, have a good job, ect....Women like the OP need support and compliments on a job well done...Not saying she needs to feel a certain way about her ex...Ive worked with many women who have been abused...They dont want people telling them how they should "feel" about their ex..They want others to shut up and LISTEN to them ..The mixed emotions dont alwasy go away...Its part of the trauma, the post traumatic stress disorder that battered women can suffer from for years or even decades...Id encourage the OP to go to a support group for battered women...The local Rape Crisis center usually runs several...Counseling centers or hospitals also have them | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:17:11 PM | | A lot of people on here said you don't need another man right now, you need to stay single & work on your problem, I disagree, well.....I believe the best way to get over a man, ( any man ) is to find another... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 3:00:56 PM | Hate is a very strong emotion which actually hurts the person fostering it more than the abuser. Hate, IMO, still empowers the abuser.
I concur with capegardengirl. Victims don't need anyone telling them how they should feel. For one thing, their feelings have been invalidated already but virtue of the abuse. Whatever their feelings are, are their feelings. Even outside of the abuse "arena", no one has the right to dictate or impose how someone else should feel. Just a little sidebar there.
They want others to shut up and LISTEN to them
Absolutely they do. However long the abuse lasted, they weren't listened to.
The worse thing, IMO and IME, is to not listen to the victim as well as impose what they should be feeling as well as judge their actions. And, absolutely don't foster victim mentality by playing the blame game (either towards the victim or the abuser).
The best thing is to be supportive yet without being enabling, empowering without choosing the actions for them, give them the objective truth relative to that victim's needs to empower, encourage, validate with every step towards progress they take - no matter how small it is. It takes as long as it takes for a victim to transition out of the crisis aspect when leaving an abusive relationship.
Time enough later on to sift through the real work once the more immediate concerns have been resolved - and that is more a matter for support groups, individual counseling, etc to work with the individual victim directly on. In the interim, from the time the victim finds the courage to leave these situations, there are more immediate concerns such as safety, which includes tangible safety and perceived safety. To name just one of many.
The rape crisis center is an excellent suggestion actually, as one of the critical elements of abuse is violation of one's boundaries through power and control over that person. Same feelings as being raped, whether actual physical rape occurred or not. Abuse is every bit as much about power and control over the victims, as is rape. Consider the abuse victim every bit as much in crisis as rape victim, only the abuse victim experienced much more pervasive and prolonged violations.
his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation
Personally, if I were in your situation, I would obtain every medical and such record on myself during the entire period involved with this man. The advantage there is you then know what the doctor's notes are. Plus a good defense is an even better offense. Say, as an example, as a result of the stress of the abuse, one decided to go to the hospital for a respite. Also helps reconstruct any incident where you may have been physically abused and sought medical treatment.
As for his family? I wouldn't focus on their threats and he does have the right to present whatever evidence he can muster in defense of what he is charged with. That doesn't mean it will be compelling enough to diminish the charges against him. These threats and such regarding his family are intimidation tactics. The more they can get you rattled, the less effective a witness you will be. So beat them at their own game and be an effective witness when you testify. Even if they do testify, what can they really testify to?
Do you have available in your country access to a Victim Advocate? That's an invaluable support through the court process.
Meanwhile, stay strong. Be strong. Remember, his only objective is to win. That's all he wants is to win.
So - you win instead. :-) Show him he has messed with the wrong woman - get angry about his behavior and channel that anger to get you through this court issue. Nothing wrong with getting angry at all. You have every right to be angry. Just use that energy to keep you focused forward and to get you through court.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:34:56 PM |
his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation
Are there police reports and hospital records? Those will carry more weight with a jury than words from the abusers family.
Girl you need to get to work on rebuilding your own support system with YOUR family and YOUR friends.
Say this to yourself over and over...I am a rational adult human being and NO ONE has the right to abuse me in any way shape or form.
Hang in there, girl, keep us posted,we are all pulling for you. praying for you, and we KNOW you can get through this and have a MUCH better life!
Cindy O | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:55:22 PM |
we are all pulling for you. praying for you, and we KNOW you can get through this and have a MUCH better life!] ABSOLUTELY!  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:12:34 PM | | This is my very first posting...wow did this guy get into the crack that's in your self esteem, I don't know, but save from killing you, you just kept going back for more, therapy and self-love is what is required here. Lots of therapy. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:20:40 PM | This is what helped me....I thought I was grieving the loss of the relationship. What I didnt realize until much later was....I missed the IDEA of him.
It has taken me a long time too. I have just started meeting people after 4 years of being alone. I couldn't trust anyone either.
You learned a very painful but valuable lesson. You know how to spot an abuser! Trust me It may take a few meetings, but the warning signs , likely subconcious behaviours of his, are clearly visible. If it feels wrong, even for a second...it is wrong.
A great book....Why Does He Do That - Lundy Bancroft
The Emotionally Abused Woman- Beverly Engel
...dont underestimate the emotional a psychological damage; broken bones, cuts and bruises heal, but it is harder to recover from mental abuse but you will get there. | |
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Rodiva
| | Joined: 2/21/2008
Msg: 65 | |
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:40:19 PM | If there is any comfort to you, I am a nurse also and I am a survivor of domestic violence. We joke at the hospital where I work about it, most nurses get as a first husband a "fixer-upper", I don't know if I spelled it right, I am Romanian.
I am over the abuse now, he is still a pain in the butt, but I survived. I have a lot to be grateful for, mainly to G-d for making me strong to begin with. And for my beautiful daughter.
You will be OK, as long as you stay away from him, very few abusers recover, but most abused do.
Good luck!
Love, Elena.(Michigan, USA, another continent, same issues). | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:28:26 AM | You are ALL keeping me strong and i am so glad to have found this forum. I hurt inside and believe it or not i am still asking myself ''what did i do wrong''? it's rediculous isn't it! I think it's because no matter what he did to me i always believed him, always took him back etc. The minute he decides to leave thats it., comes around when he decides, etc, etc. In total control even from afar.
Particular thanks to Angelheart3.
Lesley. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:38:44 AM | | I suggest that you buy the book recommended, I've read it and I wish I'd read it alot earlier on when I first kicked my ex out. Make sure you don't do anything silly before he comes to trial, like contacting him cause he will use it against you. I'm afraid that you will just have to wait and see what happens at the trial the jury unfortunately have to be a 100% sure that he's committed the crimes he's accused of, otherwise they have to let him go. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 7:45:06 AM |
I hurt inside and believe it or not i am still asking myself ''what did i do wrong''?
Lesley, part of the internal conflict of coming out of these abusive relationships is the feeling that you could have done something better to make the abuser stop hurting you.
The truth is, it's not about what you did wrong.
The truth is there is nothing you could have done better or different to keep the relationship and make it better. He is the only one who was capable of changing his behavior and the truth is, he didn't want to.
The truth is that whatever shaped him in his life experience to be an abuser had nothing to do with you.
The truth is that his choices of how he reacted in and out of the relationship had nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could have done that would have made a difference in the choices he made. While you were impacted personally and he lashed out at you personally, he never saw you as a person, rather an object.
The truth is you are a person, with an identity all your own. With your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own abilities, your own joys and sorrows, your own choices and so much more.
I think it's because no matter what he did to me i always believed him, always took him back etc.
You believed him because you wanted to. You hoped he would just once keep a promise. Yet the intent of his promises had a much different purpose then your best interests as a person and a much different purpose than the best interests of the relationship between you. His intent was to maintain and sustain the power and control he had over you. With that intent, he said anything he felt he needed to in order to get you to come back and keep you there.
There's an excellent book I read called "Wolves In Sheep's Clothing". Really clarifies covert aggressive behaviors quite well. A book I would absolutely recommend to anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship. A real eye opener on the subtle behaviors that are in fact aggression beneath the illusion that the person projects to be so caring and looking out for your best interests, and so on. We encounter individuals like that in every day life, not just in relationships either. The abusers actually employ covert aggressive behaviors at the onset of their relationships. Just thought I'd throw that in.
One of the best phrases I have heard in a long time was actually on one of the court shows recently relative to abusive relationships. "I love you but I love me more." Only seven words yet a powerfully empowering statement.
Lesley - love yourself more than you love him.  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 5:31:46 PM | He is delusional and controlling. He imagines things that are not real. It is a blessing that you got to explore a career, while he served time in prison.... a quiet time for you to redefine yourself. He is in a codependent relationship with you.
You will find yourself in a peaceful, quiet world. Get a massage. Get involved in nurturing yourself. Practice meditation techniques, by taking a class, and get involved in a church, where you can meet hundreds of good people, who care about you. You will overcome EVIL with GOOD. Goodness will certainly prevail in your life. Crying is good for you. It will cleanse your soul. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 5:44:22 PM | you will be okay, you will love again and you will trust again, and life will be full of great things for you.
I grew up in a house where physical abuse was a way of life. My mother endured years of violence, and when she had all she could take, she left at 35 years old, with no high school diploma, no money, no job history, and no home. That was 30 years ago, and she is now a college educated, degree holding, independent business owner, wonderful mother and grandmother, and as happy as any lady could be, and the man that abused her lived out his life a lonely, unhappy, alcoholic.
So rest assured, there is a life waiting out there for you that will amaze you, but you can't wait for it to come to you, go get it.
Charles | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:21:26 PM | | I think a man that comes from a broken home and does not now what a serious relationship is,also he fells treated or like less of a man because the women is confident and prepared for anything there isn't much for a blue collared man,or a man brot up by a classic american family that expects to have dinner cooked every night and his every need waited on hand and foot like it was sixty years or so ago and most men can't except that a women can be as strong as a man all most all aspects.except in the physical aspect so that is how he trys to show his male authority.Thanks | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:12:21 AM | | rodeo..I think you have touched on some truths that I see alot the of men showing that I once dated..It seems that if they couldnt teach me something or werent the better of the two of us, they got very uncomfortable being around me...Like they didnt know what to do with me if they couldnt control me...You could see there was pressure on me to "dumb down" and be less than myself so he could feel "masculine"...Im not a good liar or faker nor did I want to compromise my integrity so I never went there...I think it was the biggest reason I remained single for so long...I literally felt like I had to be sicker and less functional than I was in order to keep a boyfriend and I could never do that... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:12:32 AM | | rodeo..I think you have touched on some truths that I see alot the of men showing that I once dated..It seems that if they couldnt teach me something or werent the better of the two of us, they got very uncomfortable being around me...Like they didnt know what to do with me if they couldnt control me...You could see there was pressure on me to "dumb down" and be less than myself so he could feel "masculine"...Im not a good liar or faker nor did I want to compromise my integrity so I never went there...I think it was the biggest reason I remained single for so long...I literally felt like I had to be sicker and less functional than I was in order to keep a boyfriend and I could never do that... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 3:20:29 AM | | To Rodeo....... Please explain how repeatedly abusing in all sense of the word , where a person can end up losing their life ........... can justify allowing a man feeling ''masculine''. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:41:47 AM | I started college after my divorce with the intention of making enough money to support myself, so I could be independent. I was going into radiography; a high paying job. By the end of my first semester, I decided I wanted to help others by becoming a counselor. My advisor informed me of the difference in the pay scale, which I already knew. But I figured; I only have myself to support and I don’t ‘need’ much.
My only hope is to help others to see that they don’t have to ‘accept’ the way someone treats them, whether it’s abuse, inequality, or just indifference. One thing a person has to realize is; it’s not easy and you have to find the strength inside yourself.
It’s like a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs (and both will return). Keeping a journal will help during the down times because you can read how you felt during the up times. Plus, getting your feelings out during the down times will make you feel better. Another thing to remember is; the down times won’t last if you don’t let them. It ‘will’ get better, but when all is said and done; it’s entirely up to YOU. No-one else will be at your side 24/7.
When I read what you wrote;
“I am not ever going to take him back but am glad that he is not around at present to try and persuade me.”
It worried me a little. You have to stay strong because there will ‘always’ be temptation, if not him, someone whom seems just as nice (when he was nice).
There are nice men still around, and one day you will find the right one for you. He will deserve your love and return your love. And he will be worth the wait, so mend your heart first and find your inner strength.
Don’t put up with abuse from anyone just so you can be loved; it’s not worth it. You ‘are’ worth loving, but you have to figure that out for yourself. All of your family and friends know it already.
Good Luck,
LauraSweetheart
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