|Domestic ViolencePage 4 of 17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)|
|rodeo - valid observation that certainly influence and define a man's expectations of a woman in the relationship aspect. There are many influences during childhood that define expectations for both genders though when it comes to relationships. It appears to me that in the abusive adult relationship, that the greater influence of childhood is not so much values, but the crossing of personal boundaries, lacking definition of appropriate boundaries or invalidated sense of "identity" - beneath the surface of the more obvious forms of child abuse. Not always physical in nature either, can be emotional or even mental. Sometimes so subtle that it's gray whether it's actual child abuse or not. But those "messages" do stay with the child well into adulthood.|
A bit more of "my" story from a different approach:
My first abuser came from what many would argue was a very good family, not blue collar at all (not even suggesting that blue collar is lessor or greater than white collar or vice versa). One of two sons. His father identified with the brother more, and did most activities with the brother only, leaving my ex home with his mother consistently. There were also family events yet even as those were described, there were separations within the events. The mother was the stronger of the two parents emotionally and was the decision-maker in his family. Yet, my ex felt lessor as his father clearly preferred the other son to him, rarely if ever engaged in any father/son activities with my ex during his childhood. His father, although very successful in his career, was the less dominant parent to the degree that one could say he was a "wimp" or a "milk toast" as his practice was to defer all parental authority to the wife. There was no "just wait until your father gets home" in that family at all.
Of the two brothers, the one who had the father/son time was very successful in his career in cancer research, has been married to the same woman for decades - absent any abuse within their relationship. My ex conversely turned to alcoholism and abuse of other substances (via prescription fraud) to diminish his emotional pain as his male identity was quite diminished, later diagnosed as personality-disordered to the nth degree, becoming an abuser of the worse kind.
Both sons were raised with traditional values: man primary bread-winner, woman primary care-taker in the home. The brother would not even consider reacting violently (not all violence is physical) towards any human being, let alone his wife or even children. Yet my ex was another matter and as he escalated further out of control, adding fuel to the fire, his father out of guilt enabled him further by continuously bailing him out of financial consequences time and time again in adulthood. The final event that completely derailed what little self-control my ex was able to hold onto was the loss of his mother to cancer. Actually, during my marriage to him - I was the primary bread-winner (more often than not the only one employed) as well as the only one parenting our daughter.
I was 18 when I met my ex and subsequently became his second wife. He had two sons from his first marriage, one who lived with us in the beginning until I finally came to realize that the best interests of his son would be better served by living with his mother. Dynamics that were anything but healthy for any child of any gender. My ex actually agreed with that decision. However, it wasn't so black and white when our daughter was born prior to that decision about the son and in a matter of months following her birth his mother passed away. By the time she was 2 years old, the subtle changes in dynamics came to full red alert following a single incident of impropriety to the degree that I could not leave our daughter alone with him, although what I had observed was never intended for me to see. I just happened to come home earlier than expected from work that day. I convinced myself that I could contain the risk to her sufficient enough to either effect a change in him or at least until I could figure out where to live with her as rents at that time was 3/4's of my net income. Truthfully (not at all proud of this admission), wanting to believe the first option was even possible. See the victim element of control in that? Victims also exert control in these abusive dynamics.
When I placed her in day care in lieu of leaving her alone with him and implemented further strategies so that she was never with him unsupervised until I could figure out how to leave, keep her safe and stay alive in the process, I then became an obstacle that needed to be gotten rid of. He never reacted that way about his sons, but our daughter was a different matter. Quite scary when one's two year old starts talking with excitement that "Daddy says he and I are going to live together forever. Daddy says you are going to die because you are a bad person and don't really love me." By the grace of God alone, he came a hare's breath from successfully taken us both out the day before I fled with her.
My theory is that the death of his mother was the straw that broke the last connection he had with rational "thinking" in effect further convoluted with the fact that we had a female child together and it got really skewed from that point forward. I left three times, the first before her birth (physical violence toward objects and his son had turned on me - I returned as I was conflicted over the son's welfare), the second late in the year of her first birthday and the final time when she was 4. Like many of us, I wanted to believe that things would get better and we even had counseling, professionally and pastorally. The latter actually was quite contributory to my returning as they fostered my belief as well as their belief that he had in fact "changed". He did actually "change", only to "change" back when I returned with much more seriously damaging behaviors.
Back then, there were minimal resources available to those of us leaving these relationships so for me to effectively leave and stay gone, I focused on two objectives: protect and preserve the welfare of my daughter and stay alive so that I would be in a position to. By the time I did flee with her the final time, my extended family relationships were so derailed and my friends were so afraid of him that they feared for their own safety that it made leaving for good exceptionally difficult over and above fighting the internal conflict of wishful thinking and the reality of the situation. I had two significant people who helped us escape: my boss and my police-officer friend of many years. Then, enter my attorney and his wife, both of whom selflessly gave immeasurably far beyond the scope of legal representation.
So, in the context of the above example, I would argue that of greater influence than traditional male/female roles were the individual relationships between the respective parents and their children. My ex felt abandoned by his father and further diminished as a man, even though the father was in the home. Arguably, one could go so far as to say my ex was significantly emotionally abused as a child, further enabled as an adult as he was protected from the consequences of his poor choices over and over again. Since his father passed away, brother now protects him from experiencing the consequences from his actions (according to our daughter). No reported substance abuse in his family history until my ex chose it in lieu of professional help.
The rest of the story is that the brother enjoys the fruits of his labors, now retired, and my ex has lost virtually all connection with reality - still actively drinking, still driving although unlicensed, living on public assistance for a decade if not longer (source is our daughter). The crazy irony is that of the two brothers, the ex was in fact the more brilliant of the two, balanced with a healthy dose of sensitivity yet misperceived by the father as weaker because of his sensitivity. The family dynamics in his childhood completely shattered his sense of self as a result. By the time his father recognized the impact on my ex - it was far too late.
Now, he is not absolved of accountability for his actions at all by virtue of whatever influences in his childhood were the root cause of his abusive conduct as an adult. He chose how he reacted to those influences. Nor am I absolved as a former victim for how I chose to react to the influences (also an issue of convoluted boundaries) of my childhood that certainly impacted on my accountability in not seeing the red flags that were there from the very beginning. As with all learned behaviors, it isn't until we experience the consequences of our choices that we begin to discern the difference between healthy choices and unhealthy choices, and are motivated to make healthier choices. Focusing on the "why" and blame actually is a form of avoiding or deferring consequences for one's own element of choices. IMO, anyway.
Sounds harsh and even insensitive - even sounds a bit contradictory within the body of this post of mine but this is not the venue to present a full book on the intrinsic details to bring it all into focus either.
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:44:07 PM
|I hope you will focus on yourself and healing your heart and mind. I honestly can't imagine being in your situation but you probably didn't either. I think your a very brave woman for finally getting out of the relationship. I send you a big hug for that. I hope you will talk to lots of women who are in situations like this and help them also. Sometimes speaking about it over and over helps you overcome the hold they have on you. Helping others by speaking and coming to someones aid is helpful also. |
You don't deserve this and just remember you deserve the very best in your life. You have people who love you and need you to be around and healthy. It's stressful to constantly be worried about someone they love.
Stay strong. Work on your self esteem. There are very good men out there but give yourself some time to get over this and heal first. This way you will attract good men and not so many bad.
You a good woman. Never forget it. Be true to yourself.
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:04:16 PM
|unfortunately i cannot message cyn1956... would like to say thanks for the words of encouragement.|
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:29:40 PM
|I'm sorry you landed up with a jacka$$. It'll take some time and good counsel ( close friends should suffice, if you're not down with so-called "professionals"), but yes, you will trust again. You know it's a roll of the dice in matters of the heart, but there are good guys out there, still. Anybody can be abusive. Hopefully you'll find someone who loves peace as much as you. God be with you, cuz it's a long and b1tch of a road to recouping the loss you've suffered, but you're a survivor. Eventually, survival will not be enough, and you'll want to LIVE! Live well, as that's the ultimate revenge to the miserable pr1ck you DO NOT want back!! Peace be with you! Love, Titus|
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:38:21 AM
|Can anyone please prepare me for being cross examined in court. I've read that the defence people try and put words into your mouth and say things in their favour. I would like to hear others experiences if possible. Thanks.|
Posted: 5/5/2008 12:55:45 PM
|llynass, as you are testifying for the "prostitution", albeit you are in a different country so it may be different. I would suggest a couple of things. Again, as I previously suggested, see if the courts there offer a victim advocate. The other thing: ask if prior to court, someone from the prosecutor's office can arrange to have to visit the courtroom and orient you to the courtroom setup.|
keep in mind that the defense objective to to discredit testimony. Ask that the prosecution prepare you on what to expect on cross-examination. Keep in mind that no matter what the defense asks you, if you do not understand the question, it's ok to be truthful and say you don't understand the question. Don't volunteer information - only answer what has specifically been asked. No one can put words in your mouth. They can turn around what you said to have different meaning, i.e. so you are really sayng, blah blah blah. And you respond, no I said (repeating what you actually said)
Stick to the facts. This is not the stage to cower no matter how hard it is and not the stage to permit yourself to react to the word games of someone else twisting your words. Their objective is to diminish your credibility. Don't let them. Be strong in your emotional control, stick to the facts and don't let them distract you from the facts.
There has to be someone who can go with you to court as emotional support - please seek that out. While they can't testify for you, sometimes even having someone there to distract your thoughts from what lies ahead helps to keep keep the emotions and reactions under better control.
Remember also, that in court - your objective and purpose is to present evidence in the form of your testimony. Focus only on that - and don't worry about him. Don't look at him except if asked to identify him and beyond that, act as though he isn't even present. Any body language signals he may use - ignore them. Remember, he knows precisely which "buttons" to push to get you reactionally out of control. However, remember this also, you have as much power to not let anything he does or anything his attorney does push your buttons. No matter how scared you are, how hurt you feel - you CAN do this.
Just make the decision that you WILL do this and quite well at that.
Please explore whatever might be available to you through this process. At best, even another "victim" from the support group might be able to go with you.
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:52:18 AM
|This is an update for all those who have been kind enough to give their support to me.|
Apparently 'HIS' defence will be that as he left me this time that i had turned into the controller and that he was trying to mend his ways. He will say that i made the whole thing up as an act of revenge. Now i did seek help from a referral centre in these matters and i took their advice berfore making a complaint to the police. There are medical records available to show that certain things had happened but again he is going to say it was consetual. And of course his familt are going to back him up as while i was working he was crying to them that he wanted to leave me but couldn't. I used to detest them but now i see that they are as blinded by him as i was. Thats it for now and thanks again for all posts and messages left.
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:57:42 AM
|I hadn't realised you were in the UK. Have you been in touch with Outreach it's a women's group to help with Domestic Violence. They will put you in touch with Victim support, who will in turn take you to the court so that you can look round. As for the barrister's trying to put words into your mouth. You need to think before you answer the british justice system is an ass. Also as for him telling his family things that is classic abuser syndrome don't no how else to say it. Eventually and it could take years they will see him for what he is. What I don't understand about some people is they don't realise that the CPS don't bring to court case's that they don't think are water tight they can spot a lie a mile off.|
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:15:45 AM
|I have a support worker from refuge who is very good, plus i have a counsellor at the Havens. I am supposed to be on an emergency transfer list with housing as well but no word and of course the date is looming near. As his family live only 5 minutes away they delight in letting me know indirectly that they have paid for a very good barrister and that he is going to walk this time. What they don't realise is that i am shot of him and they will have to put up with him for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately i am not allowed to meet with the CPS and i will be allowed one meeting with the barrister but when i don't know.|
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:53:08 AM
|That's what's so crap about the law in this country, you are the victim yet you don't get to meet the barrister until the day of the trial, when all you get is a quick hello, your not allowed to discuss anything with them. The perpotraitor however, is allowed to read everything that is said about them and prepare their defence. How wrong is this. I do hope you take great delight in the fact that your not with him anymore. I took great delight in telling my ex's girlfriend that she will find out exactly what he's like but then it will be too late.|
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:21:41 AM
|You are so right linylo but inspite of the fact that my heart , soul and spirit were completely destroyed by him and the fact that i thought that i had to live and breathe him., even when he was in prison before ., my only concerns were that his needs were being met. I am slowly coming to terns with the situation. The refuge gave me a book called mr charm syndrome and i cried it was like reading my own life story. Things suddely make sense... like the fact that he almost killed me several times and how i minimised these attacks. The sexual abuse etc etc, Once he conducted his own trial and stood over me while questioning me. Each time he slapped me and said wrong answer!!! I thought i was mad and so did eveyone else. There is no one to turn to so you turn to him. And then he starts buying you flowers, cooking for you , swearing his undying love for you and on and on. A lady named angelheart3 said .. whatever happens in court.. i can say what i want without him being able to touch me, and i can have my day in court,but in England i don't actually think that you can say what you want! I do understand now that i was completely brainwashed and i believe that i am starting to let go.|
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:49:03 AM
|You've got along way to go. I still can't believe I was brainwashed 3 and half years later but I do realise that somewhere along the line I found the strength to kick him out. Unfortunately for me and my children he involved us all in his evil games, he must have had such a laugh at our expense when he saw us falling out amongst ourselves, he nearly destroyed us. But we have come back from it and are know the close family we were before he came into our lives. Life does go on and when people say it will get better they are right. I think once you get the court case out of the way you will start to re-build your life slowly but surely.|
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:25:54 PM
There are medical records available to show that certain things had happened but again he is going to say it was consetual. And of course his familt are going to back him up as while i was working he was crying to them that he wanted to leave me but couldn't.
Ok, no matter what he says - you KNOW it wasn't consentual. Stick with what you know. If you are able to, might help you feel more in control of the events if you can get copies of your medical records. Just a thought - then you are better prepared. Especially, as may of us do, you might have said to the doctor that "you fell" and such. We all do that because we are afraid. Doesn't mean we gave consent to be beaten, punched, etc.
His family for certain wasn't in your home 24/7 and unless they were a "fly on the wall", they only know what he told them...right?
As his family live only 5 minutes away they delight in letting me know indirectly that they have paid for a very good barrister and that he is going to walk this time.
Ok, if you have any communication with his family - time to stop. No more contact with them of any kind. If you pass by their home, just keep walking on by as though they aren't even there. If they say anything to you, don't react to it. Walk on by and at your first opportunity, document date, time and what transpired.
As for the Barrister (or whatever it's called in UK), if you only get one shot - prepare for it. Between now and then, take out some paper and start reconstructing this relationship. even if not precise, still reconstruct the highlights as best you can. This isn't to give to the Barrister, but you help you stay focused better. Sounds like a bit of work for you, but I think you'll find it more productive than worrying about what might happen, what he and his family might say and that he might get off.
Not familiar with the process in the UK, one thing for sure though - the better you prepare, the more credible you'll present your testimony. When you're in court, listen to the question and provide the answer asked for. If you don't understand the question, I would think you should be able to say that you don't understand the question. When his attorney (or however it's called in the UK), don't get rattled and only answer to what is asked.
Do the people who are helping you know someone legally that can at least work with you a little even though not involved with the case?
Oh, and by saying what you want, I meant speak the truth. He'd be a certifiable idiot to even consider trying anything in court.
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:44:10 PM
|I realise you meant speak the truth... I meant that you were letting me know that i could speak as and at will without him grabbing me for once!!!! something to look forward to . As i said i'm only alowed one meeting with my barrister. I am grateful to you for all the advise and have started to focus on preparation. i think that i'm beginning to feel better. Many thanks|
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:09:28 PM
|I'm a survivor of domestic abuse too. i won't go into all the details as i'm sure many of you will already know what domestic violence can be like.|
On my part i found the emotional abuse and mental torture far worse than the physical side.
After years of this i finally left him in January just gone. I waited until he had gone to work, packed a few things, took some food and escaped to a Womens aid refuge.
That was one of the toughest days of my life. When i arrived at the refuge i sobbed and cried. I felt such guilt at leaving him!
My time in the refuge with the children (4 and 1) was utter hell..... or i thought it was. As the weeks went on I felt stronger and happier. I had a lot of time to think away from pressures of him, family, friends. My thoughts were my own as were my opinions and my growing sense of self. I was becoming me instead of who he wanted me to be and i am convinced that if it was the time away (almost in solitude apart from the children) helped me 'recover' far far quicker than if i had stayed in my normal surroundings.
It's been 4 months since i left him and that 4 months has felt like a lifetime in a good way! The children and i can play noisy games whenever we want to now and we often run around playing 'monsters' after 6pm just because we can. I have enrolled on a university course, had my hair cut, and i can live a happier life at last.
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:31:57 PM
|Thanx for your story of courage! I was offered a place at the refuge safe house but fortunateley he is not allowed bail, so even though he may walk free in July i will have had five and a half months away from direct contact with him . I have been told that i am very high on the list for being murdered which is very scary now that i can see it. i just never saw it before. Its just a shame that the jury will not be allowed to know this.|
All around me at present are memories and i get awful glares when his family see me but i just sigh and keep going. Am waiting to be relocated to a different borough. Am so pleased that you are doing a university course... you will really enjoy it. Good luck to you and your children.
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:27:49 PM
|I was in an abusive marriage that began with disdain, then contemptuous behavior, emotional browbeating, and then physical abuse. I remained in the marriage for four years beyond a point I knew I should leave it; I did this [add pertinent gravitas here] for the children. I left after the physical abuse just began. I don't need anyone's counsel because I know I did the right thing--she would have eventually killed me, I'm so certain of this because she had problems controlling her anger. Nuff said, later. |
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:36:44 AM
|We often forget that men are victims to, I think men find it hard to admit that they have or are being abused.|
Posted: 5/9/2008 12:13:43 PM
I think men find it hard to admit that they have or are being abused.
Possibly a contributing factor, but I think more of a barrier is the the fear of not being believed. We see and hear a lot about women being abused in relationships, and there have been increasingly more support systems (at least in the US) available to women. Yet, when a man is in an abusive relationship, much harder to even be validated as the victim of abuse, ergot - not as easy to leave let alone get any charges brought against the abuser. So it seems anyway. Yet some situations where the man is the victim are as horrible for them as it is the women victims.
Hopefully, more men will be afforded the same options and supports that women are as more of them speak out. Abuse isn't specific to any gender, regardless of the type of abuse. Yet, IMO, still to a larger degree, men are perceived the stronger of the two, even though strength is really a perception. Although, only a male victim can really attest to what the barriers are there. Just my opinion.
Posted: 5/9/2008 12:51:45 PM
|Ohhhh my! Llynass, your words reached me. I have seriously just been through a similar experience but to a lesser degree. I have a fabulous job, great kids, and have been a strong intelligent person all my life...BUT I am way too tolerant. I guess I have a tendency to tell myself that "everything will be ok" even when it won't.|
My story: I met this man about 2 1/2 years ago. He was attentive and sweet and swept me off my feet. We fell in love. He is bipolar, but it was really never a problem. He had times he needed space, etc, but who doesn't? About 6 months into it he started calling me terrible names when we argued. Names I have never heard just thrown around. It was mind boggling to me. I told him I wouldn't live like that. He would beg for forgiveness. I eventually caved and we would continue on. He truly did not repeat for another year. Lately however he has lost it. He gave up drinking because he flips out with his meds/alcohol combined. I don't accept that as an excuse, but I guess allowing him in my life again kind of does. He ran out of meds a week ago, and flipped out last evening. I told him it was time to leave my house. I told him to pack. He ended up "trying to move me by my neck"...my description is he strangled me. I actually felt myself passing out. Oh...but of course he says I am being dramatic or that I was asking for it because I was blocking the door...etc. I am appalled. What I am so fearful of is that I will not follow through with making him leave. The police won't help..I've tried before. I am in a rural area and they do the dumbest things...so I need to take care of myself. I prefer not to just put him out on the curb without him having a place to stay, but it is not my job to worry about that. He called me screaming, then he called me apologetically. I took neither call. I wish I could turn off my voicemail.
This man has hurt me so badly, and I must be a freak because I still love him so much that I want to turn the clock back and convince him not to do this to us. Ugh. I find this sooo embarrassing. I don't know where to turn or who to talk to or how to get him to leave. What I do not want to happen is for it to be 6 months from now and he is still here. I am sooo happy when he is not with me. I feel like I am going crazy.
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:45:21 PM
|To lonely mommy.. I have put up with everything you have and more.. I have even gone so far as deliberately messing things up in court by pleading for him by insisting that there is a part of him that is so worthwhile and wonderful.... until his next outburst. i wrote to the authorities insisting about our human rights to be in touch with each other until we were. And so on and so forth. He went to prison 4 times. 2of them for a long stretch.Each time he promised faithfully to change and to trust him. He would threaten suicide if i left him etc etc. I've been thrown down the stairs while trying to protect my dog because '' he was snoring delierately to annoy him''. I've been dragged around the bedroom by my hair , had the sheets pulled off me ( was never allowed to wear night clothes) or was told that i was being rediculous and had a complex about my body). If i was tired after a shift at work it was too bad..... was being a selfish ****! i've been dragged accross the floor andhad the skin ripped off my elbows. As one lady said we are so conditioned to the isolation and them thinking for us and constantly controlling us that we can no longer think for ourselves. For example... i have been without him for four months now as he is on remand awaiting trial and i actually had a panic attack when i woke up this morning as i was by myself. i am determined to get over him... i will end up in the mortuary otherwise and so will you. please look after yourself and seek help. I never ever thought that i could be without him... i am and although its hard i'm getting there. i can't say that i don't feel inside that i still love him... but its not him that i love..its who i want him to be. I could never close the door on him when he was standing there saying ''please love me'' but you have to because they are ill. I was miscarrying and he punched me in the stomache and said '' how dare you lose my baby''... This stuff is not even the half of it and i am going to court to hear his family saying that i'm a liar and whats more they have collected me from hospital with stitchesin my head when he accidently kicked the bathroom door open knowing i was behind the door. what did i do ? I told the police yes it was an accident , he didn't mean it.!!! Please get out of that relationship before something terrible happens to you. you will get a lot of support.... the community police will put you in touch with the right people. Please keep in touch....|
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:48:57 PM
|I would love to say that yes you will be the person you once was but in my personal experience you won't be.|
I'd like to tell you my story just to show you your not alone.
I, myself was an outgoing 27 year old when I met my ex. Had a run of not so great relationships when I met a guy in London off the internet. We dated things moved quickly because of the distance beween us and I couldnt believe my luck that I had met such a great guy with no baggage and who wanted to take care of me and wanted the same things as I did. (warning sign should of been someone who wanted to take care of me!)
For the first couple of months eveything was great. His Mother had died (before he met me) and he was selling her home and due some serious inheritance. Although he missed his Mother dreadfully and he was cut up about it he had plans for the future and the money would help. Then the arguing about the selling of the property kicked in with his siblings and stuff got said and it was all a nightmare when one didnt want to sell and my ex still had to keep contributing to the bills even though he suddenly lost his job. Then he turned on me. Suddenly everything that was wrong was my fault and I started getting the punches and worse.
I didnt know that he was an alcoholic and that he had it under control when he met me and this was just the excuse he needed for drinking again. Like you I had the apologies after getting black eyes and cut lips and of course afterwards I got treated like a queen. The highs and lows got confusing and cos of the time it became normal life for me. The lies and deception were awful it all just kept coming. From him giving out my adress on the internet when I annoyed him once (before we met) to his age (he told me he was 35 and he was actually 47!)
I didnt have to hide away cos I knew no one. I wasnt allowed out on my own, I wasnt allowed a job but of course I was told I wasnt allowed out in London on my own I because I didnt know my way around as I am a Midlander and I didnt need a job it wasnt that I wasnt allowed , he wanted to look after me. Of course it was all control but it was all dressed up. Not only was I getting knocked about an awful lot Id get told my family never loved me and I never dared come home to visit because if he got mad with me all my belonginings would get thrown out.
I left a few times to go stay at my friends who also lived in London and we'd get threats about burning the house down with us and her kids in it. I had no where to turn to. My Mother had a new bf I hated and I hadnt seen her in 8 months and I was scared so I went back because it was better the devil I knew and of course I got all the promises he'd get help which came to nothin when I got home.
Life was hell for me. I hurt inside and out all of the time, some days I couldnt walk and now I find I actually broke a bone in the base of my spine back then and I need a major operation to put it right. I remember him punching me so hard I went skimming across laminate floor dodging a bottleflying through he air as I went and thinking this hurts but I escaped when he tried to set fire to me. I was so used to pain that this was nothing unusual to me but as I say now its pretty bad. Yes I left when he tried to set fire to me in a drunken rage and I got the the coach station covered in blood and had the coach driver patch me up before allowed to travel and I knew Id never go back.
After that I had threats aplenty on my mobile phone. Too scared to change the number one minute nice texts next awful. I remember on said he'd slept with half of London he hoped he'd given me Aids. After being raped the night before by him course I couldnt get tested for 3 months and couldnt even get an accurate pregnancy test. I cant tell you how frightened I was. Both unfounded I was fine on both counts. Then cos we'd been clamining joint benefits I was in trouble because he took loan after loan out and he wasnt payin it back which meant they wanted it from somewhere. I was back living with my mum with nothing at all in my pocket but luckily I hadnt sighned for anythin as I knew nothing about it so I was free of that too.
I was scared, frightened and lonely and at that point I wanted to die. Truely. I felt worthless and sick to my stomach. I became paranoid and I self harmed. I then got an eating disorder which I still suffer with and that was due to the fact I was 16 stone when I was with him and I'd done a proper diet and lost 4 stone and it was the only thing I could control in my life when I was with him wa my weight. Then I came home and thought never again will I be fat but I couldnt stop eating and needed a way of controling it. I know now in my head I believed Id settled for him simply cos I was overweight and vowed never again and to be thin was to be worth more. I am now a full blown bullemic and I put it down to stress and trying to control things.
Then it turned out I was being profesionally watched and had the police involved which was all pretty serious and at one point looked like I needed to go in a safe house away from my family for protection. Thy couldnt find him, he'd just vanished. So all my phone numbrs got changed emails the lot and gifts that came were returned to sender and I just had to be vigilant.
Sorry long post but back to your question will you be who you once were?
How can you be? When youve seen the worse in someone else and looked pure evil in the eyes? When youve been lied to , walked all over and injured on a regular basis. How can you trust in the words I love you or Im sorry?
I havent felt almost 4 years on that im recovered from the way I was treated. Ive come to terms with the bit that I accepted it but no longer do I fully trust others. Intamacy is hard for me. If a guy says I love you to me it makes me cringe. I think this is normal though because you cant go through what we have and shake it all off and bear no emotional scars at all. You have to come to terms with it.
I now realise my ex loved me in his own way it just wasnt an acceptable one to the rest of us. I didnt love him. He told me I did. Tried to force me into it and of course at the time I believed it but I realise now that all it was, was that I was dependent on him. I wanted him to love me and treat me better. I wanted him to stop hurting me because he cared about me. I used to watch him sleeping and think I must be the worst person in the world and everythin you say about me negative is true cos its my fault you hate me. Why cant you just love me? Then it becomes a project to impress them to make them look at you and genuinly care.
They dont care. They dont realise how it feels to be so disrespected. I was an easy target but Im not now. Im tougher but thats not always a good thing. First hint of trouble in a relationship I bail. I run for the hills.
Fact of the matter is Im older and Im wiser, Im a bit more screwed up but head is more screwed on in many ways. This is me now and a guy who meets me has to value that and understand it and the right one will.
Sorry for such a long post I got a bit carried away, but I realy wish you luck and my thoughts are so with you.
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:21:42 AM
|I'm feeling everything that you' described. I'm becoming paranoid and eaten up with all the stuff that he's done to me. How dare he do that to me.... and i don't know where to turn or who i can trust anymore. i even think that i've spoken to the devil's advocate. I feel like i'm having a breakdown.|
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:42:26 AM
|First off..please know you are NOT ALONE in this..I also was in abusive relationship..things happened I cannot repeat,,but he used things against like taking away my car keys if I did not do want he wanted me to do,,,he had g/f friends in other towns & I lived with him...yes I was mad,hurt,abused,,etc,,all the emotions you are going through,,,I finally sought counselling...believe me it took time for me to get over this,,pls remember this...YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL...GOD DON"T MAKE NO JUNK!!! yes you will become an independent woman again and you will have a great job..you need to believe in yourself and it sounds as if you have a great support system...you will also build back up your self esteem,,and one of these days someone will mention his name and you will say "WHO?"..believe it or not,,time will take care of it all...if you would care to email me..pls feel free to do so..things will get better,,,this I promise you!|
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:08:49 AM
Things will get better... I absolutely guarantee it... I was involved in a very volatile relationship myself and your story is very simular to mine and many other women who have ever been involved in an abusive relationship
I've worked in the violence prevention field and have for over 8 years... I never thought I'd get to this place, I was a shell of a woman when I left over 20 years ago with my then one year old daugther... and the only reason I left is because he threatened to kill her
The pattern you so describe so well in your post is often what we refer to as "Learned Hopefullness" where we believe, hope, and pray things will go back to where they once were after being assaulted... and they do.... We just never know for how long.... and that hope is so powerful, we can overlook just about anything
Women back to their abusive partnerns on an average of 10-12 times before leaving for good... I was fortunate in the sense that I only went back 7 or so times...
You are not alone... It's encouraging to know you are reaching out and getting support... Continue to keep talking... it helps.... Talk to your local women's resource centre, local transition house or other support workers in your area, that understand the cycle of violence, the intricate details of these types of relationships ....
It frightens me when I hear people pass judgement on women who are in abusive relationships because there is nothing they can say or do that you haven't already thought of yourself ... Passing judgements only increases the likelihood that women stay longer "just to prove everyone wrong"....
I understand that the judgements are well intentioned for many... they just want to see the person get out and get help... but it's a process you have absolutely no control over and cannont for anything "make them" leave by words alone
Offer support.... encourage women to explore their feelings of anger.... more often than not women do not trust their own reality or percpetions, because they have been so skewed and meddled with.... We need an opportunity for clarity to come... the only way that can come is through support and encouragement that "we aren't losing our minds, we're not crazy" we're simply stuck in a pattern
When we feel judged, rather than listening to what friends and family say (Cause we're so focused on what our partner says) we are put in a position instead to defend our self... we then feel belittled, unsupported, judged, scrutinized... and guess what... when we're feeling like that... guess where we'll go.... to the only person we "believe" loves us and understands us
Hence the cycle continues.... so i fyou really want to support someone in an abusive relationship.... offer a shoulder.... NOT advice... yes it's hard and frustrating to see someone you care for hurting.... but have faith they will eventually figure out things arent changing and only getting worse and will leave
We all leave... in the hopes that things will get better.... when we're told things will get better.... we give them a chance
llynass.... You will trust again... in fact, you will have super good radar now because of this experience and you now can go forward with absolute certainty that you'll recognize and act accordingly when you see red flags surface... the key is to always listen to yourself.... you and noone but you.... find friends and supports that can help you fine tune your inner voice again... .it will never ever steer you wrong
I wish you luck in your journey
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