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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:08:49 AM | llynass,
Things will get better... I absolutely guarantee it... I was involved in a very volatile relationship myself and your story is very simular to mine and many other women who have ever been involved in an abusive relationship
I've worked in the violence prevention field and have for over 8 years... I never thought I'd get to this place, I was a shell of a woman when I left over 20 years ago with my then one year old daugther... and the only reason I left is because he threatened to kill her
The pattern you so describe so well in your post is often what we refer to as "Learned Hopefullness" where we believe, hope, and pray things will go back to where they once were after being assaulted... and they do.... We just never know for how long.... and that hope is so powerful, we can overlook just about anything
Women back to their abusive partnerns on an average of 10-12 times before leaving for good... I was fortunate in the sense that I only went back 7 or so times...
You are not alone... It's encouraging to know you are reaching out and getting support... Continue to keep talking... it helps.... Talk to your local women's resource centre, local transition house or other support workers in your area, that understand the cycle of violence, the intricate details of these types of relationships ....
It frightens me when I hear people pass judgement on women who are in abusive relationships because there is nothing they can say or do that you haven't already thought of yourself ... Passing judgements only increases the likelihood that women stay longer "just to prove everyone wrong"....
I understand that the judgements are well intentioned for many... they just want to see the person get out and get help... but it's a process you have absolutely no control over and cannont for anything "make them" leave by words alone
Offer support.... encourage women to explore their feelings of anger.... more often than not women do not trust their own reality or percpetions, because they have been so skewed and meddled with.... We need an opportunity for clarity to come... the only way that can come is through support and encouragement that "we aren't losing our minds, we're not crazy" we're simply stuck in a pattern
When we feel judged, rather than listening to what friends and family say (Cause we're so focused on what our partner says) we are put in a position instead to defend our self... we then feel belittled, unsupported, judged, scrutinized... and guess what... when we're feeling like that... guess where we'll go.... to the only person we "believe" loves us and understands us
Hence the cycle continues.... so i fyou really want to support someone in an abusive relationship.... offer a shoulder.... NOT advice... yes it's hard and frustrating to see someone you care for hurting.... but have faith they will eventually figure out things arent changing and only getting worse and will leave
We all leave... in the hopes that things will get better.... when we're told things will get better.... we give them a chance
llynass.... You will trust again... in fact, you will have super good radar now because of this experience and you now can go forward with absolute certainty that you'll recognize and act accordingly when you see red flags surface... the key is to always listen to yourself.... you and noone but you.... find friends and supports that can help you fine tune your inner voice again... .it will never ever steer you wrong
I wish you luck in your journey
DTE | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:47:08 AM | llynass...this might also help. I can't recall who spoke these words to me but they helped me with the "love conflictedness".
"He doesn't love the me the way I need to be loved."
Keep talking as you are, all of your communication about this is empowering. Every feeling you feel, every conflict within yourself, even the part that hopes he'll be the person he was when you met - all of that is the way we all felt. Talking about it frees you of these emotions that your circumstances made it necessary to internalize to survive your circumstances. The talking helps you separate what is really true from the lies and mind games. It also strengthens you and clears your head of the mixed messages between what you have been fed to be true by him, and what you know to be true in that small little voice inside of you.
Things will get better. Won't be a fast getting better yet they will get better.
We all beat ourselves up about the things we shoulda coulda woulda done differently, only the truth is, we never had control over what the abuser did. It was never about us, but about him.
Keep doing what you're doing. Already, even though you are frightened and anxious about the future, you are in fact much stronger as you are posting than you were at the onset. Reward you for that, even if it's only a bubble bath, ice cream, walk in the park - whatever thing you enjoy. Every little step forward, do something you enjoy just for you.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:22:13 AM | YOU ARE WORTH IT. I suggest you write key phrases down that popped out at you. If you have an off day , you can retreive it from the envelope in yr purse. Mobile Help. Its nice just knowing its there .
The Physical & Emotional affect each other.
Eat nutritiously, no junk
juice instead of pop
a walk /day gradually longer, bed early,
if U drink coffee, do Decaf
if U smoke, cut back they hav more nicotene than B4
slowly cut 1 or 2 per mo
Cities/communities hav Counselling at big Reduction or Free. Get on List, go & make notes for yrself to hammer home the 'Stuff". Your Mantra, I AM WORTH IT. say many times a day, as soon as you wakeup is good. E. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:02:10 AM | My soul continues to hurt but the words of comfort and support help more than you all know. I do know though that for every woman/man who has been through what we have there is a rattlesnake out there who feeds off what our ex's have done to us and wants us to die that bit more. What they don't realise is that they too have fallen for the same old story line that we once fell for!
Thankyou big time to all who have shared their experiences as only those who have suffered in isolation know what some people are capable of.
Iwatched a programe about a cult following and it is a similar experience as you believe totally what you are fed each day because thats all you are exposed to day in day out. The shock and disbelief at finding out your life has been a lie can be too much.
Take care everyone.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL MUMS OUT THERE.x | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:38:27 AM | First let me say good luck in taking care of yourself and finding a support system that will allow you go learn from this experience and move foward in a healthy manner.
It sounds as if you remain on a very emotional plane in reflecting on your life together with this man. Sometimes it's helps to find answers by removing oneself from the equation and thinking about it as if it was a cherished friend who was experiencing this. what counsel would you give them?
perhaps there is some obsession going on, on your part. Are you are stuck and ruminating on what has happened rather than moving forward?. Picture yourself in the future. What do you want from life? How can you take care of YOURSELF, and leave the possible co-dependancy and addiction behind? This is about YOU.
Make a commitment to yourself to change your life. One small change is to begin a journal, a journey in your thoughts as to how you feel, and what you want. Sometimes on paper, step by step is helpful to figure things out.
Best wishes for that change to start today. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:03:57 PM |
Iwatched a programe about a cult following and it is a similar experience as you believe totally what you are fed each day because thats all you are exposed to day in day out.
That's why isolation is so prevalent in the abusive relationship. You hit the comparison spot on.
The shock and disbelief at finding out your life has been a lie can be too much.
It can be too much at first, although I prefer to use the term "illusion" rather than "lie". The good news is that once you recognize the illusion for what it is, you begin to step away from wishful thinking and begin the baby steps to shape your life the way you want it to be.
You have everything you need to do just that.
Happy Mother's Day also! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:22:01 AM | I am trying to move forward.... baby steps of course. I have this feeling in the pit pf my stomache that is constantly there... I can't decribe it.. it dosn't hurt ..but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can anyone empathise? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:37:13 AM | I went through a similar experience, and people who know me and know how strong a person I was both before and after the relationship are horrified to think that I put up with it. Its strange, no matter how strong you are these people just seem to have a way of taking over you.
We had a child together (my only son) and it was that which made me realise I had to get out of it. No child of mine was being brought up like that.
My son still sees him, and knows nothing of what his dad was like, and he will never find out from me, as I dont want my son to hate him as hes his dad and hes no threat at all to my son. For years after the split he still tried to control me using my son as the excuse, but now........................oh well now its a different story, now I just literally laugh at him when he tries to lay the law down, to the extent he doesnt even bother anymore.
I didnt think I could live without this man, no I look back and wonder how I lived WITH him. And I can assure you that im the better person for the split, i have a better life than him, I have my beautiful son, and I have respect and love from those around me..........................and he makes my skin crawl 
So you will get over it, I promise you, yes you miss him, its natural, but the person you loved didnt actually exist. It was actually a monster with the ability to charm when needed.
I wish you the best of luck, and I PROMISE you will get there. xx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:38:40 AM | I would say anyone who wrote on this thread, does empathize.
Empathy will only get you so far. Please do the rest of the work to move forward. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:34:26 PM | | it gets easier!! i was in a violent relationship, and i loved the guy with all my heart, and i would always try and justify why he was doing it and take the blame or even make his excuses so he wouldnt be hated!! 8mths ago he punched me to the head with my son in my arms, baring in mind i had him escorted off my property by police on a number of occasions, this time i knew i had to follow it through not only for the sake of me but my children who were subjected to hearing and seeing their mummy get beaten, being rushed off to places of safety, it had to stop!! i had him arrested and left my home and possesions and flead! i had him prosecuted and overcome my fear in the court room looking him in his eye while telling the events in question, to this day i have remained out of contact with him, but i can honestly say when i think of him my heart skips a beat and in a warped kind of way i still totally love him, i even feel guilty for feeling this way, but we are human and we try to hold onto the good times, but for me the reality is the bad times got too bad, and now its time to accept whats happened and he will never change so i need to better myself and move on, thats why i am on here!!! i feel like damaged goods i am insecure, just getting confidence back and adjusting my life to how i want it rather than how he wanted me to live, it feels great, but there will always be a part of me missing? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:36:13 PM | | I AM A SURVIVOR OF SEVERE CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND THOUGH IT CEASED WHEN I WAS 15, I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE DEPROGRAMING MY MIND AND SPIRIT. I'VE COME TO SOME SERIOUS REALIZATIONS IN MY LIFE AND HAD TO ACCEPT CERTAIN NEGATIVES IN MY LIFE JUST TO KEEP ON SURVIVNG MY LIFE. SUCH AS, I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A GOOD FATHER, HUSBAND OR MATE CAUSE I WAS TAUGHT ALL MY LIFE HOW TO FAIL AT THIS. I RECOGNIZE MY FAULTS AND TRY TO FIX THEM ACCORDINGLY YET, IF I DON'T ACCEPT CERTAIN THINGS SUCH AS THE STATEMENT I JUST MADE, I'LL CARRY TOO MUCH WEIGHT OF MY SHOULDER, AND I WON'T MAKE IT. I COULDN'T ESCAPE, I WAS A CHILD. I WAS AT THE MERCY OF THE OTHER ABUSE VICTIM, MY MOTHER. SEE, I BELIEVE IF SHE WOULD OF FIGURED OUT A WAY TO ESCAPE, IT JUST MIGHT OF SAVED US SOME HEARTACHE & LIFELONG PAIN, THE WAY I SEE IT, IF A SITIUATION THREATENS YOU TO THE POINT OF YOUR VERY LIFE, WHAT IS THERE TO LOSE IF YOU TRY TO ESCAPE? I MEAN IF YOU FEEL YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO END WITH THE ABUSER, AREN'T THE ODD FOR SURVIVAL BETTER IF YOU ESCAPE? ME, I WOULD TAKE MY ABUSER WITH ME, TO MY DEATH BEFORE I WOULD ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE HARMED IN ANY WAY. ABUSE IS ALSO A STATE OF MIND, IN MY OPINION. FOR EVERY POSITIVE ACTION THERE IS AN EQUAL NEGATIVE REACTION, IN OTHER WORDS, THE ABUSER NEEDS THOSE WHO ALLOW (YES, ALLOW) THEMSELVES TO BE ABUSED. MY MOTHER STILL THINKS WE HAD A GREAT UP BRINGING. NEVER MIND THAT ONE FIVE MINUTES, ONLY 5 LITTLE MINUTES OF MY LIFE WHEN I WAS 10 YRS OLD AND MY STEPFATHER BROKE BOTH OF MY WRISTS IN ONE OF COUNTLESS BEATINGS, WITH A SHOVEL HANDLE CAUSE I DIDN'T BACK UP THE TRUCK TO HIS LIKING, OR THE TIME WHEN HE BROKE MY LITTLE SISTER'S JAW BUY KICKING HER IN THE FACE WHEN SHE WAS 7, FOR FAILING TO DO THE DISHES. HEY, BUT THAT EARNED US A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND THAT YEAR. THIS WAS ALL TAKING PLACE IN A SMALL TOWN IN ARIZONA, EVERYONE KNEW, NO-ONE STOOD UP FOR US KIDS, AND I THINK THAT IS ONE OF THE SOLUTIONS AT HAND. ABUSERS ARE COWARDS, IF EVERONE WOULD JUST STAND UP THESE COWARDS, THEY WILL BACK DOWN MORE OFTEN THEN NOT. IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS BEING ABUSED, LET THAT COWARD KNOW YOU KNOW, AND REPORT IT TO THE POLICE SO THEY KNOW TOO. CAUSE IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS BEING HARMED AND DO NOTHING TO HELP, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ABUSER, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? AND REMEMBER, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A CHILD. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:23:45 AM | | Message to DVEX...Thankyou for sharing your story and I will be standing up to my abuser this time despite intimidation coming at me from all corners. I've gained a lot of strength from those who have taken the time to write to me. I wish you well. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:26:47 AM |
I have this feeling in the pit pf my stomache that is constantly there... I can't decribe it..
Sort of like that feeling of dread that waits for the other shoe to hit the floor? Sort of like that feeling of fear that at any moment he'll show up out of nowhere and take another swing at you? Sort of like that feeling that although your head knows he's gone yet you don't really believe he is gone yet?
A lot of that is conditioned by the very situation you've come out of - it's going to take time to move beyond that. Some of that is the pending court issue. Until that is behind you, it's not going to begin to start feeling like he is out of your life.
As much as you can, focus on one day at a time. Focus on what you can do today as far as taking another baby step forward. When that feeling in the pit of your stomach creeps in, tell it you don't have time at the moment to give it any attention and go on about whatever you are doing at the moment.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:49:59 PM | As always thanks and good wishes to all in particular angelheart 3. Went along to a refuge meeting today and shared heartfelt stories. Therapeutic in itself., some shared their tales of facing the courtroom and at how empowering it was. all good stuff. Not to be feared at all ( well maybe a little bit)! Interesting points raised for example ., how the police treat us ! I also saw that some ladies repeatedly return to the same types of relationships., and some had ended up being arrested themselves.
As much as you can, focus on one day at a time. Focus on what you can do today as far as taking another baby step forward. When that feeling in the pit of your stomach creeps in, tell it you don't have time at the moment to give it any attention and go on about whatever you are doing at the moment.
Will do! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/15/2008 1:57:44 PM | | There isnt any reason or excuse in this world for a man to ever hit, beat or abuse any lady, especialy the one he claims his love for! Im sure he's appologozed so many times and never meant to do it and thats just not him, but guess what lil lady? That is him! That is who he is and what kind of heart he has. Many men and women will tell you anything and especialy things you want to hear to manipulate you. But all people are known by their actions, not their words. What a person does and how he acts, is who he really is! He deserves to be in prison and you have no right to ever feel sorry for him. If you ladies want to know what love really is, its action! A man could prove to you that your the most special thing to ever enter his life, with out ever having to say a word. Of course its great to hear it, but prove it there Mr. Put your actions behind your words, then you will know who and what kind of man you are really with. And remember the most important thing, you cant change a toad into a prince, no matter how hard you try. Move on and find you a real man doll. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:41:13 AM | | l'm a Domestic Violence support worker and l work with women like yourself every day, there is no quick fix to this, but if you need to talk or need any information just message me xx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:48:36 PM | llynass
Lyrics that just seem to fit:
When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:57:43 PM | Angelheart3 .. you are so full of wisdom and i always look forward to your posts!
A BIG THANKYOU  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:39:21 PM | ive been where you are and have a verse that a very good freind sent me.... she sent this to me one week and wrote with it a note to really read it carefully....
i read it but in my busy life i didnt really take time to understand its meaning.....the next week her boyfreind shot her and then shot himself.... i lost my very best freind.... she was a victim of domestic abuse and i knew it... but i just thought that things would get better.... they were both pronounced dead at the scene.....things did not get better.... heres the verse she sent me
After a while
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning,
and company doesnt always mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts,
and presents arent promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats,
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the greif of a child, and you learn.....
to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way fo falling down in mid flight
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns ....if you get too much.
so you plan your own garden, and you decorate your own soul...
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers...
and you learn that you really can endure.
that you really are strong...
and you really do have worth.....
and you learn....
and you learn......
with every goodbye you learn....
....................................................................................................................................... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:33:50 PM | "Went to court yesterday and 'HE' pleaded not guilty to 4 serious charges. I therefore have to go and take the stand in July. Am terrified that if he can fool me each time then he can fool the jury as well and he may. I AM STILL GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one question....... his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation"
In a criminal trial, it needs to be proven beyond a 'reasonable doubt' that the accused committed the specific offences of which they have been charged with. Witnesses and evidence form a part of that. I imagine your ex-partner, given his abusive and violent nature, has been charged with assault (or the equivalent offence under UK laws). Unfortunately, when it comes to the crunch, most families will stick by their relatives, even if there is strong evidence that family member is guilty of a grave crime.
In the witness stand, the hardest part will be when the defence cross-examines you. The defence will try to show your testimony against your ex-partner is not reliable. Unfortunately for abuse victims, this can be a very traumatic experience, but in our adversial system of justice, each side has to try and win the case by all means available, except those which mislead or deceive the court (such as perjury or falsifying evidence). The defence is obliged to try and clear your ex of the crimes he has been charged with, and they will try to show to the jury that he is not guilty beyond reasonable doubt of the things he has been charged with. So, if the lawyer for the defence questions your testimony or your integrity, you need to try and see it not as personal maliciousness on the part of the defence, but rather part of the administration of justice in the court system. You also need to take care not to let the questions or arguments of the defence counsel to get to you emotionally, in the sense it makes you so upset you cry, or you engage in outbursts in the court. These would be understandable, but might not go down well with the jurors deciding the case.
I have been a juror myself in a criminal trial and we convict or acquit on the basis of evidence before us. Usually, jurors don't decide merely on the basis of the arguments of one side. The prosecution's case and the defence case need to be analysed together.
Still, given you mention he has been convicted and sent to prison before, I doubt his prospects for acquittal are good.
"Don't be afraid of taking the stand. Is there a lawyer or legal aide you can talk to? Maybe someone who can help you to prepare? You are doing the right thing. Don't worry. There are plenty of programs, hotlines and support groups for victims of domestic violence. You have time to prepare. Do some research and find some people who can help you with this."
This is probably good advice to follow. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:12:21 AM | llynass on 5/13/2008 1 01 PM Sadly hun that 'pit of the stomach' thing it will always be there, nothing can change that - you will feel it 'gut feeling' when someone is not good, so it is like an early warning system.
Hunni wrap yourself in kindness and goodness and just take one day at a time, and then before long it will all be history that you can call on to support someone else through the early days.
But do start helping you heal and the self defense is the best thing ever to do, because it makes you feel safe. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:02:38 PM | | I fail to understand what makes women or men for that matter stand by someone who treats them so badly. I was married for 28 years never raised my voice or laid a hand on me ex in anger. Then one day she just walked out on me. Go figure. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:19:32 PM | There has been a lot of good feedback on this question RagtopBill. Am sorry that your wife walked out on you. I would like to thank a gentleman who read this topic and has sent me a copy of a book that he wrote on the subject.It's very much appreciated along with all the amazing support that i have received.
THANKYOU. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:08:18 AM | Here's a poem I found to be quite helpful post-exiting an abusive marriage:
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.
Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me
my body including everything it does;
my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes including the images of all they behold;
my feelings whatever they may be...
anger,
joy,
frustration,
love,
disappointment,
excitement
my mouth and all the words that come out of it
polite,
sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think
and feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I
thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
Not sure who really wrote this, but IMO, it's quite empowering in its content. At the end of the day, sometimes one simply has to get back to the basics.
llynass - it's not that I am wise, I had wise teachers and was motivated to learn in order break free of the cycle of abuse no matter what the feared personal cost to me would be.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:08:19 PM | | You might also check out Al Anon meetings for the abused spouses & families of alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. which always involve abuse of one sort or another. Learn to stop playing into the victim/martyr role. Learn how to let go of the BS & become whole again. | |
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