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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 127 | |
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:37:00 AM | I was also a victim to Domestic Violence,this man choked me til I almost passed out,Luckily,I was able to get to phone and call 911,the reason,I was choked? caught him on phone with another woman,he was a bad drinker and also a cheater,as I found out and paid price for,He trys to justify his actions,that I attacked him,etc,etc,yeah right,he went to jail,so he still very angry at me,I have gotten away and Iam trying to move on with my life,But he still continues to haunt me,had to go to court and he shows up with the other woman he cheated on me with,she is blind to the fact that this man is abusive,she really thinks he wont do that to her,but its just matter of time,abusers,never change and especially one who drinks,,Iam blessed that I have my family and good friends who love me,that keeps me goin and strong and I know I will never allow a man to abuse me in any way,verbally,physically,mentally again,I wish the best to you OP | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:54:19 PM | kgrl08 - you can't do anything about her blindness. Concern about what she doesn't know is in a way keeping you focusing on him. The best way to kick up "trying to move on with your life" is to simply live your life. Having to deal with court issues certainly makes it harder to close the door to him and not look back. Yet it can be done. It's wonderful that you have the supportive people around you, more wonderful that they are family and friends.
This woman of his wouldn't hear you anyway even if you tried to warn her. Focus forward and paint a beautiful picture on the new canvas of your life. | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 129 | |
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:29:34 PM | Angelheart,thank you,and you are right,she thinks Iam the crazy one,God knows what he has told her,but my family and friends know the truth,he had done this to another woman before he met me,so its obviously a pattern with him,its just a matter of time,You know when you add alcohol to the factor its doomed to be volatile! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:35:00 PM |
she thinks Iam the crazy one
You have the upper hand though...you KNOW you're NOT! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:32:12 AM | | Sweetheart I've been there. As corny as it sounds time does heal all things....not completely but it does heal. You will be all that you were and even more because now you know what you've been missing. As time goes on he will be less and less in your thoughts. He'll probably always be in the back of your mind but the frequency of thinking about him will decrease slowly. I would suggest that you stop going places that remind you of your relationship with him if you want to forget him. From personal experience, its just upsetting. It doesn't do any good. It'll take a lot of time before you are able to trust anyone as deeply as you would like. Keep seeing the counselors, they really do help. Each time you catch yourself missing him and if you start thinking of talking to him or seeing him just think back to all those times he mistreated you and remember that you are better off where you're at. You're a special, wonderful, amazing woman and you deserve way more than that a**hole. I wish you the best of luck in everything and I will pray for you. If you ever need to talk for any reason, send me an e-mail. I will send you my Y! address if you'd like, just remember that you're loved and you will get through this. God bless~ | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:04:12 PM | To the lady in Calgary who messaged me ...... I was e-mailed by a gentleman who suffered the same for 38 years. He is now the author of a book called Wounded But Triumphant. It's powerful reading.Please feel free to message me again and I will give you his details. The book is available online. I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!
To everyone who has posted on this thread .. my heartfelt thaks to you .xx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:13:20 PM | My heart goes out to you darlin'!! Believe me when I say, I know what you are going through (not to the extent that you experienced). I wish I could just give you a hug!! What you need to do instead of thinking of the good times, which I'm sure were few & far between, you should focus on how can a person treat you like this. How can someone do that to you & say, I'm sorry & do it again? How can you accept that he drove away everyone that you love, your children & friends. He did that so he could continue abusing you & isolate you from everyone else & he could have you to himself to continue the abuse. You should be MAD at him for what he did to you, he could have killed you!!! What he did to you sweetie is not "LOVE" it's "ABUSE" clear & simple. If he was physically abusive, then I'm sure he was verbally abusive as well, it usually goes hand in hand, because that way they can control you better! They start to brain wash you & make you feel that it's all your fault & you did something to upset them & that's why they had to hit you or even if they had a bad day, they blame you! Don't feed into that Bull****, it's not true & it's not your fault & no one deserves abuse of any kind!!
What you need to do is get some therapy to help with your self-esteem, because if your self-esteem was high, you never would have put up with that kind of treatment & degradation. Your therapist should be able to advise you what books to read to help in your recovery. If you can get into a support group, even better! You will re-discover who you really are & what you want out of life & a partner. It's hard & you will cry alot as you recall all that you have been through but you'll find out why you let him treat you like that & what changes need to come about for you to have a better life & never let it happen again! If you don't do the work, you will attract someone just like him again. I don't wish that on you or anyone!! Believe me doing the work on you is well worth the reward at the end of it, because you are worth it!
Choose to be a survivor & no longer the victim! I remember this myself all the time & am so much stronger now than I was years ago. Since I worked on me, I have become a very confident, strong & happy woman. I have never been abused again in my life!! GOD BLESS YOU & HELP YOU ON YOUR HEALING JOURNEY MY FRIEND!!
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:47:58 PM | there is an old saying, Im not a bible thumpper but believe in good and evil and Ya god and the devil, BUT THE ONE THING THE DEVIL WANTS FROM YOU IS TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, THATS HIS PLOY, ONCE HES GOT YOU IN HIS RELEM HE WILL TOY WITH YOU UNTILL ALL OF YOU IS DESTROYED, HELL TAKE YOUR SENSITIVE SWEET NATURED CARING PERSON AND TWIST IT LIKE NO TOMMORROW, HELL DECIEVE YOU WITH HIS LIES, AND MOST OFF WANT YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM , NEVER LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SOUL, IT YOUR , YOU OWN IT, BOTTOM LINE. this goes out to all you men who cant keep your hands off women, YOU dont win in the end, you die lonely souls dont forgive him dear thats not your job, god or satan has the last word. Get it!!!!! Take this and paste it to your fridge.  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:58:19 PM | | your very brave fr coming out and posting your thread, they always forget about the men, it goes both ways, your a good man | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:08:44 PM |
I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!
Nope - not crazy at all actually. Think about it - when you did go out with him, you had first hand experience that he was quite capable in public of keeping you safe because of what was occurring in private.
That odd yearning may be that catch-22 between what is familiar (life with him) vs. what is unfamiliar - the huge changes you are making. There's a comfort zone even in an abusive relationship. Getting free of your abuser is stepping out of the comfort zone you adapted to.
Keep focusing forward. Thank you for posting about the recommended book. I had not heard of that one before. Sounds like excellent reading.
Stay the course, llynass. When that odd yearning sneaks in, remember how he hurt you. Actually, it might be helpful to write those horrible things down as a visual reference when those yearnings slip into your thoughts. Best way I know to kick those yearnings to the curb where they belong! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:21:43 PM | | Ya know what,,I was a VICTIM of domestic violence..it's easy for everyone to say that we are choosing to be a victim...easy for you to say that you get tired of hearing about it...but one thing you do not understand is this...when you are with someone you love that turns to domestic violence...you are afraid to leave them...you are afraid to stay there...some women stay because he makes them all sorts of promises,,they believe it because they love him....they want to believe in the good things he has promised her...this is easier said then done my friend...I took counselling for 2 years..and yes it is hard..but like anything else in life...you get thru it and go on...when I was in counselling I was made to see where I had made my mistakes...I made wrong choices...yes it scarred me....I also learned a very valuable lesson...It could have ended another way and i know that now...this is something each person will learn once they get thru the pain and horror of their own situation.... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:38:15 PM | "Surround yourself with good people. Make new friends, excel in your job, volunteer for something, meet your neighbors, get out there"
Great Advice!!! Live life and be all that you can be. Prove - the best revenge is LIVING WELL.
I wish you strength, love and peace.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:33:09 AM | Also, Co-Dependents Anonymous is a 12 step program that is derived from Al-anon.
Here is their website: www.coda.org
Abuse is debilitating, is very effective in eroding the decision making process and emotions of the abused. Even knowing the dynamics involved does not render one immune to it's effect. Many professionals have been taken in by these individuals. Think Ted Bundy here, who was so persuasive in getting people to let their guard down that he actually walked out of a jail one time.
It is precisely because of the effectiveness of abuse that some types individuals adopt it as the strategy for "keeping you there". If you want to do some interesting reading, read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I'm sure you'll see your abuser described to a "T".
But the bottom line is that your experience is one of truly being addicted.... he has habituated you to being on the treadmill of "control".... if only I act a certain way, I will control his feelings for me and actions towards me. You can't. If you were that powerful, the abuse would have stopped the first time.
You can recover your old self, be a bit dented and bruised, but a bit wiser perhaps. You just had the misfortune of stepping into one of lifes potholes, twisted your ankle, and now you walk with a limp..... but you WILL run again, I promise you!
I strongly encourage you to find a group to participate with, face to face, on a regular basis. As with any injury, psychic or physical, much strength can be gained, and recovery occur quicker, with assistance! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:30:23 AM | Just noticed that you are in England ---- there is a UK organization:
www.coda-uk.org | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:38:57 AM | OP, absolutely you are not alone. I, too, have been through this, as well as many, many others. You are not crazy for having the feelings that you do. You are absolutely going through the stages of grief--it is normal.
The best piece of advice I can give you without writing a book on this subject (which I could easily do), is to BREAK ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. The only way you can begin to recover and heal is through NO CONTACT with the abuser. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Otherwise he will start messing with your head again, and once he has you hooked, the manipulation will start all over. Once you have broken all contact, then the new phase of mending your life begins.
If you stay on track, maintain no contact and continue getting support and therapy, life will only get better and better. (Been there.) Hugs to you.  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:26:43 AM | Two Books to share :-
The Charm Syndrome by Sandra Horley. Published by REFUGE.
Wounded But Triumphant by Paul Lucia.
There has been no contact now for almost 20 weeks and am doing good most days but the day is going to come when he will be there in court. I can't think or focus on anything else if I am honest! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:35:31 AM | Am replying to KarenQJ . Have looked up and contacted the organization
www.coda-uk.org. Thankyou.. there is a meeting place in Richmond which is only a few minutes away. BRILLIANT! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:32:10 AM |
I can't think or focus on anything else if I am honest!
It's okay to feel like you can't think or focus on anything else. Yet - you are in fact focusing on other things...right? Even within your posts, it's very evident that you are moving forward and putting into action the things necessary to take care of you.
Meanwhile, when those moments hit you about the future day, whenever that may be, that you'll see him in court, remind yourself that day is "tomorrow" and for today, it isn't here yet. The more you can set aside that reaction to the anticipated dreaded day and focus on what your priority is for today, the better able you'll be to handle that day in court.
It's kind of funky how that works but think of it in analogy format. The former "home" you shared with him was "burned to the ground". So now, you are in the position of building a new home. Since he set the home on fire in the first place, this new home you are building without him. So first, in this context, you have to lay a good foundation. That's what you've been doing in that past 20 weeks. Laying a solid foundation.
Of course when that day comes when you have to face him in court it's going to be scary. Knowing that ahead of time, strategize how you are going to handle your emotions when that day comes so that you are ready for come what may. The only aspect of what happens in court that is within your control is you. Hope for the best yet plan for the worst so that you are more prepared emotionally to handle whatever comes out of it.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:48:06 AM | I have read through this entire thread while enjoying my Saturday morning coffee. I am profoundly touched by the warmth of human spirit flowing through these threads and I hope Ilynass that you are feeling a lot less "alone" than you probably were feeling when you originally posted.
On other threads that touch on the subject of domestic violence, there are always posts (generally from men) who are saying they would never, ever be with a partner who has been abused because when they tried to be with someone who had been abused, she turned abusive on them.. converting them of course, to a victim of abuse. (Whew.. that's a hard one to describe!) My response in those threads has been to say that if they feel they have been abused by someone that was previously abused, and they would not be with someone who has been abused ever again, where does that leave them since they are now also "abused"?
This thread proves that what I was trying to say is very, very true. It is loving, compassionate, strong people who often find themselves suddenly being abused. These people find their way out and afterward, will often reach back to help someone else make their way toward the light.
I think, many of you should take a huge bow for the fact that in your compassion and warmth, you have clearly become that which an abuser can never be... To love someone is to be able to touch the face of God... To be incapable of loving someone is the direct opposite.
Take a bow folks... You've certainly earned it here...  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:07:22 PM | Ilynass, I also want to share a few things I've learned in my own struggle toward the light...
It is quite likely that you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ("PTSD"). Since I am not a clinician or therapist, I can only give you my laymen's understanding of it but I am hoping that you will get the same epiphanies I've had once I understood it.
The symptoms of PTSD are flashbacks, nightmares, free-floating anxiety (comes at you out of nowhere and takes your breath away), depression and withdrawal, huge feelings of isolation and shame, numbness and detachment... I can't type loudly enough that it isn't enough to "know" what the symptoms of PTSD are... You need to apply them to what you are currently experiencing.
For instance, you say that he is always on your mind. (I had this problem and it was making me feel thoroughly and completely nutz!) That's what "flashbacks" are... Mental images that keep running at your brain and keep him at the forefront of it. We think that we're still in love because our brains are still consumed by our memories but in reality, if you have PTSD, these flashbacks are generally of "him" and then, when we have them, we follow them into our memories.
Many of the symptoms of PTSD come from our needing those things in order to survive. For instance, loneliness and isolation. My ex threatened to hurt my children and my grandchildren if I tried to move out of harm's way. Once he pulled a 19" dagger on a friend who was trying to stand by me. I knew, without a doubt, that he would do what he threatened to do from that moment on. So... I withdrew. I surrendered my right to friends and family rather than to allow them to be hurt. As I saw it, it was my fault he was in my life and there was no way, I wasn't going to stand in front of the people I loved. (When he pulled the dagger on my friend, I ran in between them and refused to move not knowing whether or not he would plunge it into my chest since he had just beaten me up an hour before.) Now, I have to work really hard to feel like I can make friends and know that they will be safe. Thus, my isolation and loneliness became a survival skill and it's hard to put my weapons down.
PTSD has been explained to me as a form of "brain-freezing". When people face their own deaths (even once... whereas abuse victims face that often), it freezes the brain into a fear, deer-in-the-headlights, kind of state. All of the warning systems in the body go off and the adrenaline is powerful. Sometimes, it takes special reprogramming to "UNstick" the brain.
I am currently in trauma therapy and it's helping me tremendously. I now understand why he keeps showing up in my brain and I know it's not my fault. It's a symptom of my disorder. My therapist is using a technique called EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). I've only just gotten started with it in the past weeks but it's helping so much. I actually have brief moments when I feel like my old playful self now.
I hope this helps... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:56:51 PM | Reading your posts has made me cry .. sometimes i try hard not to... but other times the tears just flow... anywhere anytime., I don't seem to be in control any more but as angelheart3 has pointed out to me am heading in the right direction. Can i please just talk about some situations which are not to do with the present trial but previous things
... things like being threatened with a saucepan almost to the point of terror but calmly placing the saucepan on my head and walking off. The time when he said .. 'you had better leave the room as i can feel one of my anger momements coming' and then when i've tried to leave has put his leg out and said going somewhere! Driving alomg the motorway and calimly looking at me and saying ''are you ready''.Carrying me back into the house and challenging anyone to stop him. Chasing me in my car and putting his head through the window in front of so many people . Holding me hostage for an entire week-end until my children called the police as they couldn't get in touch with me. Smashing my doors, mirrors, windows, belongings. Checking me when i was a minute late home, punching me in the head, telling me to stop snivelling and even cracking my rib. Never being allowed to sleep after a night shift as i was being a **** by deliberately witholding sex.. never thinking that I might be tired. I was a rag doll for him to do with whatever he pleased..and on and on and on. Kicking my beloved dogs and i couldn't do a dam thing about it it .. I tried to leave with them but I couldn't get out the door and then he would unplug the phone and take my mobile off me. A few minutes later he'd make me a drink or something to eat and say can we get back to normality now! Then there was the side that said so sweetly Ilove you.. Why do you make me behave this way. I know when to stop.. Iwon't hurt you too much.. I'm all you should ever need . Leap of faith.. trust me .. lets start afresh. I would die without you.. i'll kill myself if you ever leave me... etc etc He would even place his arm outstretched and start punching so hard and say there happy now. Now move on.
The things that happened in the bedroom only a therapist can help me .
But I am the basket case now .. isn't that incredible!
As everyone has been so kind I needed to share some of the things that have been kept a secret for so long because i had put them away to the back of my mind....
Thankyou. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:26:07 PM |
... things like being threatened with a saucepan almost to the point of terror but calmly placing the saucepan on my head and walking off. The time when he said .. 'you had better leave the room as i can feel one of my anger momements coming' and then when i've tried to leave has put his leg out and said going somewhere! Driving alomg the motorway and calimly looking at me and saying ''are you ready''.Carrying me back into the house and challenging anyone to stop him. Chasing me in my car and putting his head through the window in front of so many people . Holding me hostage for an entire week-end until my children called the police as they couldn't get in touch with me. Smashing my doors, mirrors, windows, belongings. Checking me when i was a minute late home, punching me in the head, telling me to stop snivelling and even cracking my rib. Never being allowed to sleep after a night shift as i was being a **** by deliberately witholding sex.. never thinking that I might be tired. I was a rag doll for him to do with whatever he pleased..and on and on and on. Kicking my beloved dogs and i couldn't do a dam thing about it it .. I tried to leave with them but I couldn't get out the door and then he would unplug the phone and take my mobile off me. A few minutes later he'd make me a drink or something to eat and say can we get back to normality now! Then there was the side that said so sweetly Ilove you.. Why do you make me behave this way. I know when to stop.. Iwon't hurt you too much.. I'm all you should ever need . Leap of faith.. trust me .. lets start afresh. I would die without you.. i'll kill myself if you ever leave me... etc etc He would even place his arm outstretched and start punching so hard and say there happy now. Now move on.
The things that happened in the bedroom only a therapist can help me .
Ilynass... These are the "flashbacks" I was talking about and I know exactly what you mean. These things will exhaust you to the point of being unable to sort anything out. Our ability to reason falls in direct proportion to the rise of our emotions and the more these things come back, the more emotional you feel. It's only natural that you will end up feeling like a "basketcase" when in reality, you are simply struggling with a disorder.
In what I've read so far, your partner was obviously a narcissistic psychopath. (If people wanna land on me for "labelling", so be it... Part of our strength is knowing what we see.) This means Ilynass that in his babyhood, he didn't separate properly from the period of time when he was symbiotic with his primary caregiver. He came to see other people as "things" to be used specifically for his own needs and if they rebelled, his entire raison d' etre became to force them to understand that he had the power to hurt them and destroy their lives. He is incapable of empathy on any level.
You need to understand Hon that these people are chameleons and capable of fooling even the best-trained professionals about their ability to be human. They look for strong, loving, compassionate people... study them... mirror them (by temporarily becoming them)... fool them... and when they have someone where they want them, the terrorizing and torture begin. The need to control is paramount and their devices are many. Your NP used some very raw forms of control... mostly, keeping you off-balance so that you could never be sure what to expect in the next minute. I have no doubt, you "walked on eggshells" for the entire length of your relationship, fearing that something would set him off. But therein, lies the sadness of the illusion because.. IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING YOU DID THAT SET HIM OFF! It was those things that gave him any inkling he might lose his control of you and the narcissistic supply you gave him that set him off.
As soon as you actually fall in love with a NP, they disrespect and dislike you on a basic level. They think that you're essentially stupid for putting up with them. At their core, they are shame-based and they know, they wouldn't put up with someone like themselves for a skinny second. As soon as you care about them and show them a moment of compassion, it's like evidence to them of your being undeserving of their respect. You simply cannot win.
Although you are disinclined to share the bedroom experiences, you don't have to. Many of us find ourselves with our self-image badly shattered by our time with these pukes! If we were passionate with them, we were whores. If we were conservative, we were "sexless and frigid". If we got prettied up, we were going out to "get laid". If we didn't pretty up, we "didn't love them anymore". It's crazy-making at its finest.. but it isn't the "truth". You simply need to get back in touch with the truth.
I think some PTSD therapy will give you tremendous strength and really help you to sort this stuff out Ilynass... Crime Victims Assistance here in Canada is paying for my therapy and I would encourage you to contact your local victims' assistance unit with the police department in your area to find out if your state (or province) has any such funding available.
Remember my friend.. "In this life, pain is inevitable... suffering is optional". | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:26:58 PM | | Reading your story made me cry!It brought back to mind all that my mum went thru with my dad.The things i saw which no child should have to see when growing up.He put mum in hospital with a broken nose.The time he tried to suffocate her with the duvet and i screamed at him.Mum,s screams in the night as he hit her.he could be so charming that the neighbours thought mum was the problem.Mum thought she was the problem.Thought it was something she said or did.Eventually it all came to a head and without going into what happened,mum finally left and they divorced when i was 15.Whatever anyone may think, it does have after affects on children also.It aught up with me twice .Once when i was 13 and developed a problem walking which made the doctor think i had polio but was just the trauma of going thru what was happening at home and again when i was 19 and ended up on tranquilizers.This is something i rarely talk about but my heart goes out to anyone who has gone thru domestic violence.My mum went on to find happiness with my stepdad who was the loveliest man and she had over 20 years of love and laughter with him til he died.One day too you will find peace of mind and happiness.Take care | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:12:24 PM | | i was in a abusive relationship 4 13 years how dare u say all those things u r talking shit u dont know what your talking about.i have been through counseling and my counseler said its normal 2 still have feelings 4 him and 2 b sad because im going through the greiving process.so if u aint been through it u cant understand if u cant say anything positive then keep your mouth shut.if any1 else has been through this im here if u want 2 talk | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:18:05 PM | | just 2 say my last post was in reply 2 mthomjmark post | |
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