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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:14:28 PM |
Made all the excuses going.. can't face it.. will crumble.. he'll be laughing right at me etc etc.
"Excuses?" No need for excuses. You can choose to go to court or choose not to. Totally your choice.
"can't face it" Says who? He's counting on you not going - do you really want to give him that satisfaction? Sure you can face it. My word, llynass, court pales in comparison to what this man has done to you. 
"will crumble" - no, you are afraid you will crumble which is not the same thing as crumbling.. Cookies crumble - you don't look like a cookie in your image. Frankly, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Best revenge is to be successful in shaping your life the way you want to define it. It drives the abusers crazy because they can't do it themselves. (I am soooo bad!).
Make him crazy for once - show up in court. Stand and walk tall. Even if you don't feel strong, pretend that you are strong and act strong. You can do it. And when you feel like you can't, remember how you felt every time he abused you and get angry about it. You can use that anger to get you through this court business. If you choose to testify.
"he'll be laughing right at me etc etc" - so? It may hurt your feelings or it may just tick you off enough to testify and not care what he thinks. He certainly didn't care and doesn't care what you think of him, does he? So why should you care what he thinks about you?
This is just a hiccup in the road. I call it "stinkin' thinkin' as that is precisely what it is. You go back and forth for a while and up and down. When you find yourself starting to dwell on things, get busy doing something else to distract your thoughts. At the end of the day, as far as court goes, it is your choice. Just make the choice you can live with at the end of the day.
The comfortable choice is generally the wrong choice. Doing the right thing is often not the easy thing to do, but it's usually the choice we don't later regret.
Then I felt ashamed.
Ashamed of what? Being human? 
Even if court happened today and you simply couldn't bring yourself to testify - the sun will still rise in the morning and set in the evening. It's okay either way. This is your life now. You own your choices; you own your decisions; you own your thoughts; your words and your deeds. You even own your mistakes and it's okay. It's called life.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:35:02 AM | Angelheart3.. In reply to your post on the thread abusive relationships.. I found this very encouraging and yes I am getting stronger each day. Coming out of a therapy session though touched a nerve and brought everything to the surface leaving me feeling miserable and i'l be honest when you wrote that he dosn't even love himself .. I immediately went back into worrying about what may have happened to him to make him feel that mode. I know that I must stop this now and worry only about me.
I know that he dosn't want me to go to court but I will whatever happens.
I've also noticed on a thread running about why we keep going back to our abusers that the lady who posted last thinks that we are abusers ourselves and bring the abuse on. Have you seen it? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:44:11 AM | | Oh believe me you are not alone. I am in the process of ending an 11 year marriage. We have two sons 4 and 5 years old. I am finally reflecting on my life, We have had so many arguments, he gets mad about everything. My last relationship, he was the love of my life, but he hit me and he once punched me in the eye. This marriage, has had its share of violence, it ended one year ago. He bit my back and I had a neighbor see the bite mark and took a picture of it, where it sits safely with a lawyer. We are divorcing and we will share custody, he never hit the children. He loves them, he does not love me. I am very sad about all this. I realize my self-esteem is very low, I don't know why, I am not clinging to sex or craving him in any way. He is moving out as soon as he gets a job in another state and I am going to really start looking for someone to love and care for. I want a companion someone to share life with. I realize there are many great guys out there and My mind is different now. I was all about looks when I was younger, but now if the guy is 250 pounds and a sweetie, my new mind is wanting a friend. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:32:43 AM |
Coming out of a therapy session though touched a nerve and brought everything to the surface leaving me feeling miserable
Therapy is going to touch nerves when you talk about what you experienced as emotionally, it brings you right back there. However, no matter how miserable it feels, you are NOT there anymore.
quote]I immediately went back into worrying about what may have happened to him to make him feel that mode.
It doesn't matter what may have happened to him at the end of the day. What DOES matter is how he chose to react to what happened to him and that is HIS stuff to own.
llynass - part of what you are experienced is a consequence of convoluted personal boundaries. When you start feeling sorry for him or worrying about what may have caused him to be the way he is, redirect your thinking out of the "why" and into the "behavior". The "why" is meaningless - doesn't matter why. What does matter is how he chooses to behave and how his behavior hurts you.
I do not own anyone's choices, but my own.
I do not own anyone's behavior, but my own.
I do not own anyone's words, but my own.
I do not own anyone's thoughts, but my own.
I do not own anyone's feelings, but my own.
I do not own anyone's happiness, but my own.
I do not own anyone's body, but my own.
I do not own anyone's life, but my own.
Part of "owning" that which belongs to you is letting go of that which does not belong to you.
Sidebar: I'll check out that thread. I may have been posting in it already. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:52:29 AM | | I know a lady, who left with her three children, while her husband went to work, she had been taking a little money for months from him, hiding it, saved enough for four bus tickets and went to wyoming, she went into hiding. We all know her husband and he is a good guy, she actually has multiple personality disorder and writes about it on her blog. She was unhappy but at least shared custody, in this case should be respected. I am going through a divorce, will my husband pay, he is here now, when he finds a job in another state, he will sign his end of the divorce papers, shared custody. He loves his kids. It is sad we cannot get along. I was going to say, if I was broke, no car, no money and had nowhere to turn I would hitch hike to a commune, they usually will take in anybody, they expect you to work, but if you can't walk, you can answer phones, something watch the children. It is an actually wonderful life, years ago, I was in a situation in Oregon, I had no where to go for two weeks, I looked up intentional communites and found a commune in the mountains. I was given my own room, dinners were shared as a group, I spent my birthday there and one of the woman made me a bracelet, some people were passing through, but most stayed and lived there, they had a store and retaurant that brought in money, one of the people was a post office employee and shared her income with the group. I worked two days in the restaurant. I did not spend a penny, they had a farm, they grew their own vegetables, they made their own electricity from a stream. They used a fireplace to heat the big house, some lived in yurts. I felt safe and happy enough for the short time I was there. They evaluate you, and decide if they want you to stay. I went back to my life, but if you fit in, you are invited to move in permanently, often communes are farms owned collectively and based on how many years you live their you move up the decision making ladder, with voting rights, etc. It is usually a democracy and ideas are presented and voted on, money decisions. Some except children, some do not, some have 300 people, some are only 12, it really depends what you are looking for, if you live in Tennessee write me and I can tell you more ginnyvaet11@yahoo.com. You cannot be an isolationist, you usually eat together, laugh, cleanup together. look up intentioanl communities their is a great one I visited in Tennessee, it might help you heal, many people go to these for healing and find happiness. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:43:12 PM | IIlnass
Wanted to post to you "'That I am Sorry this Horror and this trauma has even happened to you at all "'
Sometimes Women think if she is happy sexually & is pleasing to a man 'So he says ? that is Love ??? especially from him if he gives her so much Charm /attention . Sometimes we all (both genders ) do not take the time to get to know someone "'I mean
really know them
before we get inmeshed or in bed with them "' Women are Emotional "'Men are Visual
Men and women do not think alike " When a woman is charmed she gets all mushy !
Can even delude herself to think it is Love and has found the Man of her Dreams !
Seems like you want what all women want ""A Man that will be her best Friend "' and not hurt her or cause her pain or leave her alone for another !And most of all Love wants to Believe she is Loved and cared for .
We are human and do not like being alone or for Some even Single is difficult and depressing . I was faithfully married for 8 years and divorced .
Then the first
Monster I met and married was worse than he . I could not Believe the situation I was in or why it was happening "'I was honest about what I needed and exspected from a relationship
But he was Cruel 'a Thief and a BIG Liar ' ''and a woman Hater and an atheist ''''' I wanted out "'And I paid yet another price for that !
I have been single more than I have been in a relationship !
I have been out of a Relationship for some time now !
It took some time to overcome the behavior of X of unknown origin ! He was not for me "'A mean Spirited and evil controlling man he was .
I hated him and what he said and done that was inhumane and cold and callous to any person . It was wrong he was wrong "'I did nothing to deserve his actions ! Fate will take its toll !
" Now that I have had some
time to myself ''more than I care for at times ! But I have came to the conclusion that I want what I want or I dont want it at all ! If I cannot meet a Good' Kind 'Compassionate Man "'Who is Real about who he is today "tomorrow and years to come
Then I dont need him . I want an Honest Man who will show Respect ' Compassion
Understanding "'Kindness "' Love and have some self discipline for Goodness sake !
And he has gotta Love Jesus !
I made my way back to what is really Important and vital to > MY... Body 'Mind and Soul !
I will not be with out Jesus with out him I am Nothing "And nothing Matters or has meaning in this Life without him . That is what I reached for ^^ Jesus Hand & Love when I left the X ..
I was Lifted in Spirit because I could not do it alone or wanted too It was all too big for me ! God is Good and has been Good to me ... Being in a Relationship now is not in the cards for me at this time .
Maybe not ever ! Maybe ? I am just not relationship material ? Although I am a Sucker for a Love Story ! But I will not live in a delusion or loveless ' disrespectful '' and
non Spiritual Loving realtionship & home .. I will not go against the grain or my morals and values again Just to be in a relationship .
Get back to basics "'Live by your morals
values "Stick to your Guns } know matter what do not settle for less '
also ask Jesus for what ever you need to get thru the weeds
and back on the grass "
' I want to Love Life again and I do more than I did a few years ago ..I pray God will Bless you with the same .
God has gave you a good start in your new Life and Journey "'Your Free from the Past So '''''Run 'IIlanass Run '' for your Life ''that past relationship
can never Never ever come close to True Love or love at all . Stop deluding yourself !
Get into church or a Group "'Spend time with people "its Important even if you dont want to..
Believe and be satisfied ''''''''''''''''' wait for True Love "'Use the time you have now to Heal and Restore in Body Mind and Soul ! Its Worth it >You are worthy "'God Loves You you are the Apple of his Eye ! 
Everything is gonna be OKAY ! Seek JOY & Laughter its good medicine ! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:37:10 PM | | I went to court and faced my abuser,all alone,no family or friends were able to make it to be with me,He even had nerve to bring the new skank he cheated on me with,but I stood my ground,I was strong,and I remebered everything ugly word,action he did to me,and that kept me goin,I refused to play victim to this man again,we r human beins and we made wrong choices,trust me the judge will see those who were real and those who are lying,I gained my restraining order,and felt valadated for once,someone heard me,the judge and he favored me in the case,tell the truth,it will set you free,good luck and bless you! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:46:34 PM | | Thankyou kgl08: I appreciate your post. Am feeling pretty miserable at present time. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:10:20 PM | Hi,
I really and truly sympathaize with you regarding the violence that you endured. However, why in Gods green earth would you allow it to continue for 3 1/2 years. You are educated, apparently had a good job ect. nobody should endure this!!!!!1 {Men or women} Why is it that so many women endure scumm balls and won't give a great guy like my the time of day. What the heck is the problem with you ladies. Some of you need tons of help and I hope that you all soon smarten up. Go ahead and worship the liars, cheaters, dishonest ect. but don't complain when it turns very sour. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:47:56 PM |
Why is it that so many women endure scumm balls
That topic is running in another thread.
Go ahead and worship the liars, cheaters, dishonest ect. but don't complain when it turns very sour. P.S. - the topic is about domestic VIOLENCE so let's not pretty it up with the covert aggressive behaviors, okay?
Ok - abuse survivors, frankly I never worshiped my abuser at all. Any of you other survivors worship your abusers? I didn't think so. As for things turning "sour"? An assault is an assault and as such, is illegal. Just because it occurs within the abusive relationship does not diminish the fact that it is an assault - no matter how much one wants to sugar coat it. Frankly, anyone assaults me again in this lifetime I darned sure am going to COMPLAIN and act in whatever manner I need to in order to preserve my physical welfare and dare anyone to get "attitude" about it.
And you also said:
won't give a great guy like my the time of day
I can't possibly imagine why anyone could let such a great guy like you slip away. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:53:04 AM | | just wondering why a judge would give my x a $250 fine for breaking a restraing order then put one on me from her? And then why is My restarining order is indefinate and hers is only for 1 yr go figure!!!!!!HMMMMMMMMMMM!! 2 sides to every story. Women think that they are always the victim, but we men are victims too!! I just wish everybody could get along in this world instead of being so angry and spiteful. Peace to all | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:31:56 AM | Msg. 188 - what a lot of petitioners of a restraining fail to recognize is that both parties are usually as bound by the order when/if it's granted. On your particular situation, best to seek the advice of legal counsel.
Domestic violence is not gender specific, so yes - men can be victims as well.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/30/2008 8:47:33 PM | angelheart,please do not listen or respond to mssg 188,that is my problem,still continuing to torment me,even on this site | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:23:13 PM | | Iam not angry or spiteful at the one who assaulted me,Iam hurt and still in healing process,Will I have issues of trust with next person,probably? It leaves a person scarred,but I know there is hope and someday I will find a good person who will not hurt me,mentally,emotionally,physically,no human being deserves to be treated in that way,I have learned from the experience and I will continue to Love and be giving,and now I know the red flags,so I will love smarter next time,much hope to all who have ever suffered or known that pain | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:44:34 PM |
Will I have issues of trust with next person,probably?
When you can trust yourself first and foremost, the rest will follow. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:12:24 PM |
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. What a crock of...propaganda.
Why not say what is really meant: Treat your mate with respect, not with cruelty. Bingo, simple. God Shmod. Rib Shmib. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:44:12 PM | | Yep........you women love those " bad boys " ; don't ya ? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:46:11 PM | | Got it, msg. 190. Tried to email you but can't because of your settings. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:02:10 PM | I said once...I''l say it again oleseadog.
Ah yes olseadog...you are SO right! There are two sides to every story. Actually three. I know you and your new lady love are PERFECTLY justified in your actions and reactions to the whining, attention seeking, drunk, mentally deranged person you once had in your life.
I wish you love, light and all the happiness you have in your hearts for one another!
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:22:22 PM | Why do some kick you when you r down? I do not know who you are happygirlie,but leave me alone! ok,the abuse continues,and if my ex happy,why is he and other still on this site? if u r in relationship,why r u on a singles site for dating? friends,omg>?you meet them when you and your significant other are out together,you do not belong on a singles site lookin for friends,makes you all look like a couple of swingers!hahahha | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:37:47 AM | In answer to kgrl08 ... ignore these fools .. wait till he starts kicking the shit out of her.
Don't give them the time of day. Your still wounded. Get hold of the book by Paul Lucia
Wounded But Triumphant.
You have given me encouragement to go to court. I'm lucky that I'm alive to go to court.
I continue to be in the pits of depression on a daily basis but am holding in there. Many
people have posted some good advise and support on this thread. People WHO DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Take care.
Lesley.x | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:15:44 AM | Llynass: I don't know if this will help you...but it did help me. Get a dry erase or chalk board....get 2 if necessary; On it write EVERY adjective that defines him, leaving OUT of course those wonderful ones like the flattery and constant attention. Display it prominently where you will be frequently reminded of all the negative characteristics. You have to take this ONE STEP AT A TIME....and right now, you're dealing with your own ADDICTION. Many people don't realize that abusers have a VERY sweet and charming side. I'm told that drug addiction is very much the same...that when you're on the "high"...you don't care that your life is in ruin. This is why it's very important that for now, you concentrate on the NEGATIVE aspects of the relationship.
Later, you WILL face what you've already expressed concern over...which is: will you ever be able to trust anyone again. The answer is: YES. But FIRST, you're going to go through a year, maybe 2 or 3 of great lonliness and self doubt. I recommend that you read the book of Exodus (Bible). If you don't believe in God....then just think of it as a STORY with a benevolent superior being who's trying to rescue you. In the story,the children of Israel are rescued from 400 years of cruel slavery but everytime they faced a hardship, rather than TRUSTING their rescuer, they doubted their good fortune and complained.....better that we should have died in Egypt. So the rescuer tired of their whining and complaints.....had He not afterall performed many great miracles which proved that He was MORE than capable of providing for them? They were allowed to wander aimlessly in the desert for 40 years.....because, they refused to TRUST that their deliverance was a good thing.
You HAVE been "delivered from a bondage". You cannot look back. Your deliverance was a GOOD THING. YES, you're going to face a few hardships, but the same power that delivered you from this terrible bondage WILL get you through those times of hardship as well!
You ask :
Will i ever be the independent woman i once was ? YES!
Moreover let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patience and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character, and character produces the habit of joyful and confident hope in eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. Romans 5: 3-5
Good Luck! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:24:53 AM | | You know what would be neat? to hear from a former abuser. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:27:31 AM | hi i understand everything you just wrote about domestic violence.i was married for 17 yrs and had 3 children to my ex .i also sufferd domestic vilence and being controlled .i know what went through .it was poor hell for me and i am sure it was for you to .we are both away and out of these relationships and as hard as it is trying to make new lifes for our selfs .but one thing i find hard is trusting another man in my life .no i am not saying all men are the same .what i am saying is the man i am dating going to turn into the control freak i was with before .but i have to move on and go with my sinces and if a man just lefts his hand once to me or doesn,t allow me to have my say in the relationship as i think a relationship should be 50 50 he is gone and i would never let him back into my life .once u are hit once or contrlled it never stops and there is no respeact there for me and i would of lost trust so it would be over .i wish you all the very best in the future in a relationship god know you deserve it .good luck in life and happiness | |
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