| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:05:43 AM | I'm am aqutely familiar with the pain that you are feeling. I am about to enter into a break up with a man that I still love very deeply. I have broke up with this man twice before and the pain was so horrible that I too felt like dying and ultimately I sucumed to the pain and went back into it to make the pain stop. I know that I wil go through the same pain again, but this time, I understand why I must go through the pain and I know what to do that will bring me to the other side. I have been priviledged to join a 12 step fellowship called Al Anon. Al Anon is for friends and family members of Alcoholics. this man is a sober Alcoholic. Through Al Anon, I was identified by my sponsor and a sex and love addict. The sex part just means that I give sex to try to get love within a relationship, but the love part is what I really identified with. I have also joined a group called SLAA and there I am coming to understand why this is happening to me. although you situation may be different than mine, the pain that you are feeling is the same and probably can be healed in the same way as mine. The first step is to cut all contact with this woman immediately! This will put you into an even more intense state of pain.We call this withdrawal. Unfortunatly there is no other way to do this. that means absolutly no contact. No e-mail, no phone calls, no text messages, no asking friends about her.NOTHING. It will be very painful and intense at first. The key is to make a commitment to yourself to stick with it no matter what! The process can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months but when you get to the other side of the pain you will have a piece come over you like you have never known. Look into SLAA
and get a hold of their book"sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" go right to the chapter on withdrawal and read it over and over. Also look for a book called "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. I am only in day three of my withdrawal and I have only slept 6 hours in the last 3 days because of the intense pain, but they say that the only way to get to the other side of it is to go right through it, There is no way around it And I have met hundreds of people now that have made it to the other side so I know this can work for me, and I know it can work for you too. My prayers are with you and as much as it feels like it will kill you it just might save you in the end. Love and blesings to you. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:54:29 AM |
There is no chance of reconciliation.
She moved on.
She never really loved me.
It's not just her.
It's a collapse of my personal dreams.
Every time you think about her, tell yourself what you told us.
Eventually you will get the point and the pain will stop.
And at the same time start making new dreams or revising the one that collapsed.
Over time the thoughts dissolve, or we can take control and dissolve them ourselves. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:03:49 PM | Just go out, do the things you enjoy, spend time with friend, maybe work alittle more... It does take time to get over someone you love but you have to get over it, expecially of no chance of getting back together....
I have loved and lost before and well i managed to get over him... all i did was things i enjoyed, spent time with friends and well have fun. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:44:41 PM |
Will drugs help? Antidepressants? Seriously, help?
I have never used them because I've heard of horror stories of what happens when you try to go off them, or while you're on them your brain turns to fuzz.
This is a question you need to ask a doctor. But honestly, the medications that you're referring to ..the type that make you "fuzzy" are the stronger medications, anti-psychotics and all.
SSRIs (typical anti-depressants) do not usually effect your personality in that sort of way.
And you say that you've heard horror stories about medication...so you'd rather be suicidal than take a medication that help hundreds of thousands of people everyday? This makes absolutely no sense to me. But if you don't feel comfortable taking medication, and some do not, go to a therapist. Do something besides mope, for chrissakes. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:47:48 PM | | I find that throwing out all the stuff poinient to that person and then going on a 12 month drinking bindge usually helps me get over a rough break-up. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:48:16 PM | | Try hypnosis --- it has worked for a lot of people in your situation. If you're spiritual hand it over to God. Good luck and hope you're feeling better soon. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:10:19 PM | Living in the past, wallowing in regrets, is not living. You need to find new activities, new friends, and seek counselling.
I, foolishly, went back to my exbf 4 different times. Something happened that made it crystal clear that any relationship we had was over and done, but that is a different post altogether. There is no going back for me, only looking forward, learning from my mistakes, seeking comfort in the company of friends and my church family.
I wish you well, and hope that you are able to release the inner happiness that is waiting to burst out of you. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:12:15 PM | | OP~ if you continue to tell yourself you can't and won't get over this, you never will. It's one thing to grieve a big loss in your life but suicidal ideation takes to a more serious and urgent level. Seek mental health counseling as soon as possible. Look into cognitive behavioral therapy. Ask a professional about the different medications available and get a second opinion if you're still unsure. The relationship ended so there had to be bad things that happened. Don't just focus on the good parts that make you want to go back. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:25:55 PM | Everyone's different in how they handle things that happen to them. Which I had the magic answer for you but the bottom line is, you might never get over it.
All the best | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:51:19 PM | I agree with BigJohnk28: YOU ARE GRIEVING A LOSS. (Thank-you, BigJohn!)
I also went through a grieving period around Christmas time, where I had numerous things hitting me all at once. I was more depressed than I have EVER been, but I made it through, and am happy today! It does take time, and acknowledgement of the fact that you are grieving.
It's OK to have these feelings!!!
Yes, it IS sad!
Yes, it DOES hurt!
And, everyone grieves differently. It might take some a couple weeks to get over it, others might take 3 years, but you WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel again!
The thing to consider is this: you were probably not a good match, and she did you a favor. It is just very hurtful coming to the realization that she was right in doing what she did. You don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. Most people want to experience a partnership, where both sides are giving equally to the relationship. Isn't that what YOU want? You deserve the best life has to offer. Take time to regroup, and go out there and get it!
Best of luck!
(Remember: what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!) "All of life's experiences, whether good or bad, are GOOD because they make you become the person you are!" | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 3:53:53 PM | There's another positive aspect to this as well. A lot of people go through life never even knowing this kind of love -- not saying they don't experience love, but not this kind of big love. Having been there, you know what you are looking for in the future. One thing I urge you not to do is to decide you'll never find someone you feel the same about and settle for less. Having been there, nothing else is going to do (at least as far as a long lasting relationship). There's a thread going on asking 'how will i know the one when i meet them' -- you don't have to ask that. You know. That's very powerful.
For me personally, I went through what you went through 13 years ago. It took me months just to get back to a semi-normal state and to this day I still think about her. I don't pine like I used to, but even though she is gone and it will never be, she'll still be in my heart til the very day I die (unless i get alzheimers and forget). You should consider counseling -- I didn't realize it at the time, but that relationship definitely shaped the outcome of what has happened to me the last 13 years romantically. And it will affect me the rest of my life, because every woman will be judged ultimately by the strength of what I felt for her. Not that I want anyone I date to be her, but I won't marry anyone unless I feel that strongly about her. Going for that kind of love leaves you open to the same pain, but I'd go through another 13 years of not heartache and not finding it to find it again. And I very well may have to. You won't feel this pain forever -- but you have to accept what's going on and be willing to move on in order to get past it. Hope you do better than me :)
Leigha sounds like you got off lucky :) | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:41:32 PM | | You are still talking to her, this is like acid on an open wound.Break all contact and also take control of your thoughts. They are spiraling in to the depths of despair.Love is a drug , it creates chemicals in the brain. You are in withdrawal, from these chemicals.I am sure she was not perfect, think of her faults, what you did not like instead of looking back through rose coloured glasses.You control your thoughts. When thoughts of her enter your mind , replace them with something else immediately. Make this a habit and it becomes the norm.You have been recovering too long , you should feel better now. I agree you have become depressed and I would see a counselor for expert help.There is no point telling you to stop whining or stop feeling as you do. I am sure if you could feel better you would.You need help my dear to recover and heal . Feel free to e- mail me if you want . You have closed up your pain, anger and emotions and they are festering. Seek the help you need to clarify your mind and heal your spirit. You will love again, nothing is surer and look back at this as the lesson it is. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:51:48 PM | "You are still talking to her, this like acid on an open wound.Break all contact " I agree talking to her, any type of contact is keeping the wounds from healing.
No good can come of this, she's cut ties you haven't.
As much advice as anyone can give, it's your choice to continue to process the things that are keeping you in pain . You can decide you will get better and move past this. You can decide that you will be happy without her and find a way to make it happen.
Humans are much more resourceful creatures than many believe. You have to believe it's possible and that you can do it. You can you know, people have overcome horrific tragedies, horrible injustices and become whole healthy and happy individuals in spite of things that are in their past.
If getting better is what you want, none of us know that. You may feel some guilt and that you deserve to be miserable. I'm not guessing or asking, just saying it's a possibility.
In the end it's all your decision....decide to move on, decide to find happiness and make it happen. 
I'm no professional, I did write something that has helped others, if you want to read it, email and I'll gladly send you the link. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:00:08 PM | Everyone here as given you good advise. I my self have learned a great deal by reading this.
I lost my wife to cancer last year,the hardest thing i have ever had to go thrugh.
Even though i know it has only being 6months.I had to learn to adjust to life all over.
Your situation is totally different ,I know that,but these people or correct. You must move on as i am doing. You must accept life as it comes,to hang around in self pitty,will
detroy the person you or.
To make it plain and simple if you do not know christ as your savior find him and ask him to help you.
I know christas my savior,with out him i would have never made it throuh this or come as for as i did.
 Just Travis | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:03:01 PM | I once had tears on the way to meet a guy for a date....I just did not want to go on the date, but I sorta made myself go thru with it...I really needed to get out and get over my heartbreak....I shed a few tears on the drive to meet the date....I was so worried I would look like I'd been crying when I got there....Well....to my shock, I had a good time...just so happens I had a really sweet date that evening....we got along great and didn't run out of things to talk and laugh about....he took my mind off my recent heartbreak.....Time heals all wounds so the ache will slowly go away in time....the bad news is it won't go away over nite, but try to get out and around people...being surrounded by the postive energy of others helps .....when ur alone the pain comes back, but u get better at it....Give urself a break from the pain and get a date and go out and have some fun... | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:35:39 PM | Ok guys. I'm seeing the theme here.
It's been too long and I shouldn't feel this way anymore. I need help.
I'm going to go find the counselling. Like that other poster said about his lost love shaping his life 13 years ago...this isn't my first heartbreak. My own lost love ended in 2001 and I never forgot her, either. Two years of wallowing and I met my most recent ex-gf, and...it never worked either.
My greatest fear is I will be unhappy the rest of my life because I don't know how to get myself together. I'm not a kid anymore. Time is going so fast and I've accomplished nothing, really. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:38:31 PM | Oh, and - tears in the eyes? That's me most days. I get watery getting groceries even. I'm just so sick of this. I pray to God all day long and nothing happens.
Telling me not to whine or to just feel better...I'm tired of hearing that. If I could just snap my fingers and feel better I'd do it.
But yes it's irrational not to want the drugs. What the heck, maybe that's all I need. What's better, putting my .270 in my mouth or getting some antidepressants? | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:45:28 PM |
Telling me not to whine or to just feel better...I'm tired of hearing that. If I could just snap my fingers and feel better I'd do it.
You haven't chosen to do anything different. You have to decide you want to feel better, believe that you can and will and then make a plan to do so.
There was a time when there were things (outside of relationships) that you enjoyed. Do those things again, be good to yourself, find something you have a passion for and throw yourself into it. Only you can pull yourself out of this, you CAN if you decide to. You won't if you never do make that choice. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:50:02 PM | My only advice would be to get some therapy. You don't say how long the two of you were together but if after seven months you are still obsessed with her, you need serious help. Most people these days don't mourn this completely after a death.
If she was able to walk, move many miles and can't understand your pain? It's all in your head, she was never with you to begin with.
Life is not over at 29, nor are most of us anywhere near finding that dream. Family? Kids? White picket fence? Not a huge deal, you can get that if you are willing to move forward. Just because it did not work out with her does not mean you chance at happiness is gone. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:53:17 PM | OK, here comes good piece of advice #2 -- it's cliche' but true (hey that rhymes!)
You'll have the best chance of finding someone who will be with you the rest of your life once you learn to love and be happy with yourself whether you're with someone else or not. You're worried about not accomplishing things? The first step to accomplishing your goals is to do some inner work on yourself and make yourself a strong person on the inside. Then you will have both the strength to accomplish the things you want and you will be much more attractive to the kinds of women who will want to stick it out with you :) And don't worry too much yet, you're not even 30 yet -- you've got plenty of time. Take the first steps to work on yourself, start setting steps to achieve your goals, and work on them one at a time. I'm sure if you go see a counselor, ultimately a lot of this is what they're going to tell you :)
Everybody has their own journey and we are all at different points on it. The important part is that you are learning and moving forward. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:55:54 PM | Dear JazzMaster62
Being through this myself, the best exercise is to "not go there". Everytime your mind starts to "go there", do not indulge yourself. Turn your mind to positive things. It's very difficult to let go but your going to end up finding the reason why. The best part of this breakup is when you meet someone else and it IS working, you'll really appreciate this experience. You'll look back and remember and appreciate what you do have. Every day that passes WILL get better if you allow it.
Pull up your bootstraps, keep your chin up, be determined. When you look for another mate, be aware of what is a good match for you. After all, there is someone for everyone.
God Bless
Barb | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:00:04 PM | Jazz, I am glad you are going to see someone.. I really think you need a professional to "hold" your hand while you walk through this because I think you are seriously depressed.
I think what concerns me the most is your feeling of hopelessness that I think you are displaying.
Would you consider maybe reaching out and helping others?? doing some volunteer work? Getting your mind on someone other than yourself? That always helps me. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:03:11 PM | | Your not alone buddy. Everyone has had relationship problems like you and even worse.(get ready for sob story in 5, 4, 3...) My ex just left me after two years without even saying why. How do you think I feel? I'm on workers comp and live in a small apartment. I spend my days with nothing to do but reminisce about her. I've read every break-up technique there is. Each day I play out the scenario in my head as to why it all happened and go through the process of hating her and loving her again and again. I tell myself it's over and I have to move on constantly, yet I sill think about her every 5 minutes until the process repeats itself. The thought of the person I once* loved being with somebody else destroys me repeatedly. I can't stand it anymore either. The fact is you must accept it and you must move on. You can either let this person control you forever while shes not even there to care, or you can get control of your own life again. Life is what you make it and suicide is out of the weak minded. Your around 30, no? grow up mate. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:14:14 PM | Oh my gosh....you could be my ex. I left my husband of 23 years exactly a year ago. Long story, I was not in love with him and had not been for many years. Anyways, he was devasted...and needed help. It has been a year now and with the help of his friends, minister, doctors.... he made it. I know he is still hurting.....but I know he will now be okay. He is once again socializing.
My suggestion to you would be to see a doctor and tell him how you are feeling.....do it now please!!!!
Remember, you are a good person and have lots of good qualities. | |
|
| How to let go after a breakup?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:32:02 PM | | Remember the good times, but don't forget the reasons why you two are no longer together. It sounds trite, but time is the really only thing that will help you move on. Well, that and distractions. Eventually you'll find the crushing sense of loss hits you more and more softly, until you're able to deflect more and more of the pain and finally learn how to let go. | |
|
Home
login 
