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 chrissy1969
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 76
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
i agree there are men who are abused aswell,only it dosn't get talked about,as a men find it more difficult to talk about.
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 77
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:02:27 PM
BRAVO OP


I was married for 37 years to a Jekyll and Hyde.....In the 9 years since his death I have worked on myself, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and am on a path of peace and contentment and will never allow that in my life again.

For those who have been there..,,,remember not to let the hurts of your past prevent you from having a future. The world is so much more than where we have been.


PEACE AND BLESSINGS
 autism_teacher
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 78
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:23:41 PM
I was in a 20 year relationship. I wished for his death often so that I could get out of the relationship. His abuse was very subtle. I was sucked in before I even knew what had happened. Within my first year of marriage I was pregnant, and ashamed of the decision that I had made in marrying him. I did not have transportation or any way to communicate with my friends or family. We had one vehicle and he drove it into town to carpool to work each day. By the time I had my son; I felt so low, useless, and worthless that words cannot describe the hatred that I felt for myself and my spouse. I fianlly left after 19 years and 3 children. He had the idea to go to a marriage counselor (his sisters idea), he thought that I was mentally unstable because I didn't cower in front of him anymore. He was afraid of my percieved strength. He was so wrong; it wasn't that I was strong. It was that I was resigned to the fact that he was going to kill me and I welcomed my own end. The counselor told me, after my husband yelled, cursed at, and degraded me in front of a complete stranger, that I needed to leave if not for my sake, then for the sake of my children. He put me in touch with people who helped me get out.

Now, here I am. A 42 year old single mother, afraid to go out and live life. I am still watched and followed. I have joined 2 online dating sites, but I am unsure of what I would do if anyone were actually interested. I have come to realize that I am worth someone else's time and I deserve happiness, but it has been a long, hard journey. I find it a daily challenge to be positive about myself and what I deserve. I don't know if I will ever be the person that I was 21 years ago.
 misticmaid
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 79
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 3:09:16 PM
answer- yes, terribly so...& he is a member of this site now...I feel sorry for anyone who encounters him. i did not meet him on this site, & POF has no real idea of the kind of people who sign up here..he lies on this site also...among other things, he says he lives in caribou Maine, when he really lives in Presque isle..that is all i will say, but he is dangerous, has many issues with women- I was not the first, guess I will not be the last. do not undertsand people like that...he is/was, very charming.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 80
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 3:31:53 PM
tina, i just wanted to say congratulations !!
from personal experience, i very much understand what you went through.
please always remember that you deserve much better.
the fact that you had the guts to leave means you're at least half-way home.
bravo!!
 Spitfire1956
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 81
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:24:36 PM
Tina, I'm am so glad that you are out of that relationship. My first husband was also very abusive. I went through alot of phsyical, mental and verbal abuse for 7 yrs. I was terrified of him, terrified to leave because I knew he would come after me-(which he did when I did leave him everytime) and drug me back to that house. The last time I did leave-I left the State - and he still came after me, but I had someone with me that protected me from him that time. That man also went to divorce court with me to make sure I made it out of town ok afterwards. But no matter what they say or promise- it never changes. It only gets worse each time. There are alot of women that never make it out, and they either end up dead physically- or emotionally the rest of their lives. I bear many scars- but also I gained alot from it too. I'm a much stronger person today that is able to take care of myself. I hope and pray that anyone in an abusive relationship seeks help someway and gets away from that mess. Life is so much better when your not being abused- believe me....
 big girls dont cry
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 82
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:17:52 AM
Glad you got out of it Tina. It's a difficult thing to do, and not something we should have to face.
I have a very similiar story, but I won't go into the details.
It's important to lean on your friends and family for support.
Don't put up blinders, and expect your supporters to as well, no matter how many good qualities he/she may have.
If you go back to an abuser, there is something not right there. Almost like an illness. Do not be delusional and be in denial. You chose them. Now do you want to accept bad behavior? Of course not!
Stay real, and you are worthy!
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 83
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:46:10 AM
The OP posted in 2005.


What I don't understand, is why is there such wonderful women lining up to date men that treat them so bad

Actually, what you don't understand is that the men don't 'treat them so bad' at the start. Obviously, no woman would stay with someone who is bad to them right off the bat. No, abusers are great at the beginning. They don't have horns and fangs, you know. They act, look, sound, like regular people because they are. And they do a fine job of wooing you very romantically. It's only when you're hooked that the abuse begins.
 wannashakeyourtree
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 84
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:30:50 AM
My now ex wife, the quiet MAry Poppins type English girl, the only woman I've ever actually persued...the only woman I've ever gone and talked to in a bar was a terrible communicator and often resorted to physical violence with me. Lot's of psychological too... Definitely took advantage of the knowledge that I was an old school guy who believed in marriage for life. One of the worst aspects of it though was the way many people...good friends mind you... would react when I told them. The look of "c'mon dude...you're a man...it's not the same" absoloutely gutted me everytime.
 peaches82863
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 85
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:49:29 AM
Yes I can definitely relate, except that my abuser never did it in public, except for the 2 years before I left him. We were together a total of 7 years & he was abusive physically of that for 5 & mentally/emotionally/& verbally for the whole 7. The last time he took me to his land he had in the country (had a concrete slab) & beat the hell out of me. At one point he told me to hit him so I picked up a rock, swung with all that I had & hit him on the side of his head above his ear. To this day I still have a scar on the back of my head from where he knocked my feet out from under me that caused my head to bounce off of the concrete. The day I left him I told him that I didn't love him anymore & that I wanted a divorce. I said alot more, but I'm following my counselor's advice & trying to put this in the past by not talking about it. Yes I've still got alot of anger, pain, & hurt because of him. People have asked me why I didn't leave earlier. I was scared to, plus I didn't have any transportation, or a license which I'm sure he was counting on to keep me under his control. I'm not an evil person so I don't like using the word hate, but I've NEVER in my life come as close to hating anyone as I have him. At one time I did love him, but he killed that, he's also the reason why I avoid NDN men. I'm sure not all NDN men are alike, but that fear is still very much in my mind. Yes I am getting counseling for this. Tina I believe that nobody knows until they've gone through this kind of abuse themselves so they shouldn't judge. I do know that if I'd known it would've been as easy as it was to get away I would've done it a long time ago. That's the other reason why I didn't leave was I didn't know who I could trust to help me!
 big girls dont cry
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 86
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 1:31:34 PM
Yes, noone should ever judge, because we know it's not right to. And it's not very compassionate.
And it's never easy to leave someone and/or stay away, from someone we once loved, and had so much faith for.
We do know who we can call nowadays. The police, a lawyer, counsellors, help lines, and in my case; my church and my pastor. But it's hard because we need to feel 100% committed to doing what is right. Friends and family were out in my case, as they weren't supportive of me staying in an abusive relationship anymore.
My lawyer had the harshest words for me, no sympathy at all. It was the best thing I did to sit there and take it in. Resolve, and don't blame.
I now have lots of support and will never be a doormat again. I hope I can support and help others.
 vyxiin519
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 87
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:24:19 PM
I think that, at some point, we are all abused by our significant others. And we are also abusive to them. Stop and think about the last time your significant other scratched your car or forgot to pay a bill or some other "mistake." Did you get mad at them? And you said things that you were sorry for later. We all do it. It's human nature to "vent" our frustrations to our significant others. We just have to watch how we say things so as to not hurt their feelings (verbally abuse them).

As for being physically abusive...My story began in 1997. I met him, fell in love with the all-American cowboy with the Wrangler butt and cowboy hat, and married his sorry a$$.

It was nice at first. Notice I didn't say "it was great, until..." The first time he hit me, I left. He followed and literally drug me back home.

There was even a time when I was making dinner, said something to him to set him off, and he actually threw a can of green beans at my head. Luckily, I was paying attention and ducked. Sheetrock can be replaced...my child's mother can't be!

One night when he was passed out drunk, I took a kitchen butcher knife and stood over him, contemplating his death. I was miserable. I couldn't get out...he wouldn't let me. He found me wherever I went. His death was my only option, I thought. No, I didn't do it. He's alive and well, living in prison (dumbsh*t was cooking meth!) where the monster belongs. Maybe his new "wife", Bubba, will treat him the way he treated me? I can only hope.

Me? Oh, I'm great now. It's been almost 8 years since I divorced him and married my husband, and I'm happier now (well...for the most part), I'm in control of my life, and I'll never allow anyone to treat me like that again. Never. I've since learned to kick a$$ and am a great shot with a 12 gauge or a .40 Glock.
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:35:52 PM
Hi Tina ,

I read your heart felt post on here and I have to say congrats you are
well on your way by taking that one giant step and leaving the abusive person
you were with.

I was married to a man that was abusive to me for twenty five years till one day
through the grace of God that I decided I could not live in fear anymore. So I
grabed what I could for my child and I both left went to a hotel with
what I had for the both of us to live on and left never once looking back ,
I never regreted what I did it was the best move I ever made and a step toward a life
of freedom and no more abuse.

Anyone that abuses anyone in anyway has some pretty serious issues !
By leaving I got my self confidence back and the strength to stand on my own two
feet and forge stright head not ever looking back to that life of hell.

In my heart
I pray not all men are like this the scares and bruises have healed and are all gone but the words PFA ,
that the police said get. I had one he still attacked me ,
I'm sorry if anyone wants to do harm no piece of paper will stop them.
I learned this the hard way when he broke into the house and tried to do physical harm to me ~
Took a good soul like my doctor to help me and he went with me,
he personaly filed the charges and then I was free. ~ Brenny

I did not want to go into too many details but I felt compelled to tell my story,
and support anyone thats been abused.
Keep strong your not alone there are millons like us in this world everyday.
 sassafrass77
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 89
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/1/2008 1:21:18 AM
Unfortunately yes, I spent ten years of my life in that downward spiral, with a very manipulative abusive man who almost broke my entire spirit...until one day I looked at my youngest sons face and saw the spirit I used to have shining in me, and realized what he'd taken from me, and was going to take from my boys. It was the most terrifying thing walking away, but god I'm glad I did.
 equip_girl
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 90
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:10:20 PM
Why do these types put all the blame of a failed relationship on the other person?
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 91
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/9/2008 8:41:50 PM
sry you ladies dont want to hear this. but its your own fault if your abused. lesson one. dad taught me if anyone ever f's wuth you fight back. Ive never been touch. you would even go there. I fight back . done
 misticmaid
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 92
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:44:51 AM
Beau, I shared that view once- was always rather contemptuous, as you seem, of women who put up with such a thing- I always said i would #1- fight back and #2- i would be GONE & never return. I have only had one abusive relationship- but I shall never forget it- It involves so much more than simple hitting or whatever- it involves mind games & deviousness & promises to "change" & "please come back, I love you & am so sorry, it will not happen again" etc. I left my abuser the first time he hit me...I went back for I believed him, loved him, wantd to work things out. I sought counseling for us both. The abuse was not continual, & you get lulled inmto thinking things are improving. If you genuinely love the abuser, & are the kind of person who forgives & does not like to give up, you are apt to keep giving them chances... I did that for longer than I should have- am now finally GONE for good- but I wanted to say...it is not all black & white & simple as you might think. I will also say, that YOU can be arrested if you hit back- at least in my state...there are alot of varieables here, so please do not be so quick to judge-
 german chick 1968
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 93
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:51:23 AM
Tina .
Are you sure you where not dating my ex ?????
same story here ..
but we carry some of them fault and we are to blame for some of that too .
we are the ones that hung in there and allowed them to tread us that way , because we where stupit , or just because we loved them and thought , things will get better again ...
there is not much more you can do , we will always carry the scares from that , just one thing is good about all that . we made a very hard life lesson and not all people are like that ...
dont be sour over that ,,, you took it , you found a way out , you are 1 strong person a survivor ...
wtg
dont never ever let anybody tread you like that again
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 94
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 1:48:35 PM
Tina,

I deeply feel for you. My gf, like you is recovering from an ex, that did everything you mentioned plus more. I am glad that you are recovering. However, did you know that what you ex did, is grounds for him to go to jail? And do some serious time. Just remember that. I don't know if you feel better by letting go, but be aware of your rights and be aware that some of these people do not like to let go. So if that person tries to get back into your life, you have the right and power to make him rot in jail.
 lihut
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 95
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:31:49 PM
Tina, I'm another who has walked in your shoes and I know exactly what you're saying. I'm sitting here steaming at those who say it would never happen to them, they'd fight. One - you do NOT see it until you're deep into the relationship, living together or married or with a child - after you're unable to get away easily. It starts so subtly - a push or throwing something. It escalates, but when it's not bad it's wonderful. Study the cycle of Domestic Violence - the honeymoon phase is real. The longer you stay the worse it gets. I also said never me, I also said I'd fight back, fighting back was the worst move I ever made! Do a little research, people, the only reason it happens is that the perpetrators are so slick.

OK, enough venting, I'm getting off track from what I really want to say and that's Good for you, Tina! Getting out is not easy and it doesn't always go well. Study it, you'll learn a lot, especially the red flag danger signs.

Here's what my experience did for me - I volunteered at a DV crisis center for years. Lots of women told me that when I looked them in the eye and said "I got out. It's hard and it's scary, but it's so worth it" they believed they could, too. That's what telling your story does for people. Hold your head high, girl!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 96
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:45:46 PM

Posted By: sweettina(d649654) on 6/1/2005 717 PM
Subject: Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner

As far as I know, the answer from this camp is no, I haven't been mentally or physically abused by a partner, past or present. Using classical definitions, or commonly accepted versions of the two, the answer would still be nope.

Now, if you had asked has it ever been attempted, in either form, the answer would change to yes indeed. Though, always from the mental front and never the physical front.

I believe they refer to such acts of mental abuse as "head games" in the vernacular, though clearly not limited in scope to just that single point of reference. Many, MANY times I have been faced with partners who have attempted mental manipulation and head games, and so forth. Of each time, and I speak only for myself, I was fortunate enough to have been aware of the signs and signals, and it was a "Quit the games or I'm walking" speech that followed. I don't like the "do as I say not as I do" type any more than the "say one thing do another" type. When I see it, identify it, I bring it up and give the option to cease and desist. If the attempts continue, I stand behind what I said and I walk.

Last walk was out of a 6 year relationship with a now ex fiancee. Hard choice to make, but in the end the best thing I could've done. One too many threats to leave me because she couldn't have her cake and eat it too.

I make a conscious effort not to play games, or physically or mentally abuse my partners, and demand no less in return. Once those lines get crossed, there's really no turning back.

 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 98
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:38:07 PM
mistic I do have compassion for this subject, I believe it has many factors like enviorment, upbringing , economics, and these things are studied and porven to be true. but to hurt someone. Its got to stop. Im not sure how it can be stopped, I no there are shelters for women. there was a movie I watched once besides the classic burning bed, I can hardly watch it, It was the chick from different strokes, she was eventually almost stabbed to death She feared him. The only person I fear is god. and Im only saying this to help others, not put down.
 misticmaid
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 99
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 7:06:19 PM
Point taken Beau- It is hard to understand all the dynamics unless you have been there- once was enough for me...& you'd be surprised how insidious it is...but I stand by my word of saying the abused woman is not to blame...you see, she tends to think that if she was only better, or more pleasing etc...he would not be that way..she wonders what SHe did to cause this behavior...it is part of the mind games that go into the making of an abusive man- they feel entitled to do what they want, & they relish control. And- they lie alot..really can make you mixed up...I hate the word VICTIM- I have been abused by one man, but do not consider myself a victim. Rather I learned. And am stronger, & wiser now.
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 100
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 8:36:10 PM
you see someone kicks a dog do you say what did I do to cause that. Bull!! people do things on there own will. is this world really that messed up. Man my parents did an awsome job of protecting me and making me feel safe. cause thats all I no. get it, people who see abuse it all they no!!!
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