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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner      Home login  
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 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 101
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 5 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

sry you ladies dont want to hear this. but its your own fault if your abused. lesson one. dad taught me if anyone ever f's wuth you fight back. Ive never been touch. you would even go there. I fight back . done


Good lord, this is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start.

I was married to a man who was psychologically, emotionally and sexually abusive, but never dared laid a hand on me in violence because he knew I'd cut Mr. Winkie off if he ever tried.

Like most abusers, he was charming and manipulative. He was very subtle. It would start with pouting. Then he started with accusations of "you say you love me but you really don't or else you wouldn't do this to me" or "you're obviously having an affair because you aren't showing me the proper affection by doing what I want." People like this prey on making the other person feel like they are being abusive or neglectful. It's a tiny little bit at a time, over a period of years.

He was like a petulant child who was forever playing the victim because I was "too much of a b!tch" to give him what he demanded (and I wasn't allowed to even take care of myself because that took attention away from him!) What's odd is that my mother, who was physically abused by several husbands, used to say the same thing to me as child. "You're so selfish, all you think about is yourself. You don't care about me!"

While I was trying to make peace, he was bleeding me dry. I thought it was normal because that was the way I was raised. Never think of yourself. "Always give up everything, including basic needs in order to make the other person happy or they will never love you because you don't deserve it."

Women don't ask to be abused and those women who have been a victim of subtle abuse don't see the signs because they sneak up on you like a stranger in the dark. Some might even read your post and believe such drivel, when all it is is a form of abuse of it's own. Blaming the victim is an abusers tactic, whether it's spouted by a man or woman.

Shame on you.
 supernovastunnah
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 102
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 8:41:29 PM
yes we are all victims and should be celebrated for our helplessness and putting up with it until we learn the hard way.
 Shari67
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 103
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:06:20 PM
NOLA chick.....thank you for your post. So many women have been in similar situations you mentioned, but unless they have been there they have no clue. Talking about being compassionate to an abused person and them blaming them is the reason so many abused blame themselves and why so many abusers are able to continue to terrorize their victim.

This is a subject very close to my heart. My mother was with an abuser that slowly escalated over the years, until the day he left her for dead on the side of a road. When she woke up, he was gone and she was buried under leaves and branches.

So to the posters that blame the victim......my comment to you is go to hell.

People are abused mentally, physically, and sexually every minute of every day in silence. It could be your neighbor, boss, or even a family member. Most people do not wear a sign around their neck so honestly, it could be ANYONE you know.

Yes this subject makes me very angry because of all the closed minded and ignorant people in the world.

This reply will probably get deleted for my angry words, but I hope that before it does, maybe one person that reads it , may just think twice before casting blame.
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 104
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:13:43 AM
no . sry Im only saying this out of tough love for the respect for women. If you havent seen abuse you dont no about it and yes I dont understand it, but am willing to give you a strong womens point of view. You should take it and run. you made that choose . nobody is forced to do anything, unless a gun is held to there head, and if you dont get that you are in harms way from a gun being held to your head. or any other abuse, then you should seek pro- help. I being serious. thats normal, stop the abuse by making it stop. stop giving excuses for these guys. I dont feel bad. Im sry, if that hurts but use your intellect. come on. please stop the abuse ladies as soon as you think something is wrong. look I am a strong girl. dont fear these guys, please Im being serious . I care for the wealfare of other women. but my style is sort of tough love.. something in my gut that tells me right from wrong, never been touch, not even threaten, there is some underlining problom. aldies stop the abuse
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 105
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:20:03 AM
and I will say it over and over again you might not wanna hear it, and become defensive, but Im hoping even if you hate my post, you will really think about not giving these guys excuses anymore. it stops when you say NOOO MORE. end of story, I no my approach to this subject is raw, but if someone dosent tell you the truth, or give you another prospective that you can look at, then they dont care. believe me I care about you women. thats the only reason why I get upset. I alittle tough about it, but think about it please
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 106
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:23:19 AM
I met, dated and relocated for a man who turned out to be VERY mentally abusive. I also, was done with him within a matter of days. I think some people stick around for it because they do not want to believe it is happening to them(I was in denial at first). As difficult as it was, the reality was, if someone ( male or female) is mentally abusive, get out. This guy I had met (who is still on here with older pics and lying) used words and cruelty as a way to "punish" me, (his word bervatum.)Example: New Years Eve, he could not be with me because he had to punish me for asking questions about him, once I found out he was lying about his life. That was the day I said go "F" yourself. Ladies, or gentlmen, whatever the case may be; there is no excuse for this type of behavior. Do not make excuses or put up with it at all. Just get out. It does not get better. These kind of people will continue to lie, manipulate and are very destructive. I have never been a victim of physical abuse, however, that may be beacuse I can beat the crap out of someone. Some one hits me, they better have dental and life insurance. In that order. :)
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 107
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:24:45 AM
i am not making light of this situation at all. sometimes hearing the truth from others hurts, but people do care. i no there is alot of mental stability that comes with this, you dont have to be wonder women, to understand. I no that upbring plays a part but you CAN stop the cycle as soon as YOU say enough, you honeatly care for someone who hurts you. come on
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 108
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:27:57 AM
Yes, both, until I learned that it was NOT my fault, and I needed to take back MY power to end the abuse!

And that's EXACTLY what I did!
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 109
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:34:36 AM
Up bringing has nothing to do with it for some people. Hell, I was raised to never even tolorate that at all. My situation was I did not see the jerks true colors until I moved. I say as soon as you see drama, just get the hell out. The guy i met hid a lot of things very well, but I was also a few states away. had I met him locally, I would have told him to go to hell before it ever got so bad. Scary thing is he is still on here doing the same thing. however I did see him (he did not see me) a couple weeks ago, and man does he look fat and miserable...lol So, karma is catching up with him. In more ways than one.
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 110
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:26:13 PM

it stops when you say NOOO MORE


No it doesn't. Honestly, beau, not to pick on you, but you have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER about what you're addressing.

You have all these great ideas that sound good and sound like you're trying to be helpful, but all they show is ignorance and they are actually one of the reasons the problem is still so severe.

Please get informed. Real information, FACTS, not fantasy. You're doing more harm than good for women you supposedly care about.
 Spinlady
Joined: 1/30/2007
Msg: 111
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 8:45:55 PM
Yes, and Yes. Abuse is wrong, it doesn't matter if you're the victim or the agressor. It is still wrong. The only thing I hope to add is that if you are fortunate to have friends that can convince you to get help, cherish their friendship and guidence and get the help, as it could be the only thing that saves your life. My ex almost killed me. I have no clue as to his thinking or the reason he let me go. I don't care anymore. I got counseling and was able to move forward away from him. Another ex- was controlling to the point i lost my identity. I am now in the prosess of getting it back. I used to be a strong willed and outward going person. One day I hope to be that again. My daughter calls it getting my backbone back.

Some may read this and say that I made some very bad choices in men-you are right. I came from a dysfunctional family and until I got counseling I didn't have a clue how to select a guy. Now I am very selective, as is my right.

If you are in an abusive situation-PLEASE get help!
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 112
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:41:35 AM
good point nols I disagree. You see the reason I dont get abued is because i have a voice. Theres is a book . I read everyday sweet heart . Not a dumb girl here. Its called the power of thoughts!!!!!Untill you keep believeing that there is no one who understands and no one who can help, you will continue this cycle.so put your thoughts to work for you. I understand your defensive and in some way feel responsible for the abuse its cleary stated in your post, just bye your words, your in a cycle. Its not fantcy honey. there are people who live beautiful lives, and you can to, Its breaking free and stopping your way of thinking and your not putting yourself in a situation were you can have a beatiful life. Do you think you are worth it I believe you are just by being human. Just try to understand my point. I am not being mean in anyway. And I love this counrty cause guess what i can say what i want, It sounds**** but but guess what I dont get abused. Fight for yourself. not mad in anyway you intitled to your opinion,, peace girl
 german chick 1968
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 113
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:00:30 AM
hey just hanging out ...
thank you for trying to send me to hell .....
I been there done that and I came back in full force ....
dont matter who I blame or not ...... I blamed myself , I should have never ever let it get to the point where somebody slapped the pee out of me ... tyvm .... did he have the right to do that ... hell no ... but If I would have to do it all over again I would have handled the situation differently ...... do I still blame my self , nope Im good with it ...I forgave myself and I dont live in the past
so yes I bare blame , tyvm ..........or better I did blame myself to a point . it take 2 to make it 2 to break it ,
did I choose to wake up in the hospital ?? no i did not ,,,, did I put a stop to it befor it escalated , nope I did not . the signs where there , I saw them ,a bit to late , but I did nothing to protect myself ....
so there.
am I willing to do it again heck no ..... I deal with it now , no I do not sweep it under the rug in the hopes it will go away . I will make it go away .... I will take charge of my life now ,,..////..
and I can promiss you it wont happen to me again . life lessons learn ......
he had no right to obuse me , in any which way , shape or form .... and I had no right not to defend my self and let it happen
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 114
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:53:26 AM
fear ladies. sry im a feminist 100%. I no you guys hate me, but as soon as you say no more, it ends. its not fantacy. ward off all, the crap with all your strenghth. theyll leave if they see your strong and have zero tolerance for this. Done. liebes you go girl make it happen . Got your back!!!!!!!!! think strong and you will be. dont back down. Mom taught me a lesson . always have your own job and bank acount, done>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 Perhapsnow
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 115
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:12:21 AM
Beau37
Are you out of your mind, how dare you state that is the fault of the abused, you obviously have never been a situation where you are brought down mentally or physically to your knees, abusive people leave no room for you to react or to come out of it without retribution....get out into the real world and away from your rose coloured glasses and see what it is truly all about. Until it has happened to you, you have no right to point your fingers at these victims. Check out the womens shelters in your neighbourhood, these women leave their situation as best they can, but under the threats of being murdered or their family victimized they do return to their situation. This is the real world and it happens everywhere and you hopefully will never have to live with the fear of being abused.....
My heart goes out to the women & men who have ever found themselves in this situation. I grew up with alcoholics who found themselves hurting each other on a regular basis and who do you think suffered? EVERYONE.....
We all have an inner strength and some of us come out okay, not all but some of us.
Good thoughts & good luck
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 116
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:49:54 AM
well your not responding to my post. FEAR!!!!!! is the subjesct. perhapsnow, come on!!!!!!! YOUR on your hands and knees with fear and your not going to fight back. come on. no more excuses. you are really that desperate. Im tough to get through to, cause once you hold convictions about who you are , what you want, were you want to be, and how others treat you, you will continue this cycle. As soon as it starts you say stop. you obviouly let people and the whole world kick you in the but. COME ON LADIES, YOU WILL not get through to me on this subject, with these excuses. sry bout that, sometimes others looking into a situation can give you more of the truth. (thats were I come in), so sweetheart take the advice and run, or stay and get your ass kicked. the choose is yurs. done, you have the right as a human being to say it ends now. done. I am very very hurt if I could save a million women from this I will. so muzzel me!!! its never going to happen.
 Perhapsnow
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 117
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:01:44 AM
I didn't say I was on my hands or knees...read what I said....I have never been mentally or physically abused but plenty of others have. Good for you that you can think that you could see and know an abuser, many have not. Good for you that you could fight your way out, many cannot. Fear, not for myself, for others certainly, do you not ever read the stories and headlines of how a an abused person does find refuge and he or she is or the kids are slaughtered because they "left"the situation. You can not blame the victims....I was molested as a child, what I was asking for it? I think not, and these people are not asking for it either. If YOU can help by all means do so, I am also willing to help but I refuse to allow them to take blame for what they can not be responsible for.
Change the laws so when a woman goes to the authorities to lay charges, he is not set free the very same day to track her down and beat her.....there is a job for you, change some of the weak laws that allow the predators to continue abusing...
Just a thought.
My husband by the way was never abusive, unfortunately he passed away, but I can say one thing about him and other men I know, he would rather have cut off his right arm then subject anyone to abuse of any kind....
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 118
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:53:20 AM

theyll leave if they see your strong and have zero tolerance for this


No. Sometimes they kill you. Sometimes, they come after your children.

Once again, beau, you are woefully ignorant of the realities and intricacies of domestic abuse. Men don't just pop up and start abusing woman and she just sits there and lets it happen. They start slowly and develop trust. Then, very subtly, they take control.

It is not as easy as you think it is. And as for the feminist aspect of it? Well, I suggest you read some Betty Freidan where she talks about how, while she was out becoming the voice of women's equality, her husband was beating the crap out of her at home, for decades.

Get educated PLEASE. You are not helping.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 119
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 12:20:46 PM
and I will say it over and over again you might not wanna hear it, and become defensive, but Im hoping even if you hate my post, you will really think about not giving these guys excuses anymore. it stops when you say NOOO MORE. end of story, I no my approach to this subject is raw, but if someone dosent tell you the truth, or give you another prospective that you can look at, then they dont care. believe me I care about you women. thats the only reason why I get upset. I alittle tough about it, but think about it please

Yep, I'm a victim ONCE. Then, I'm an active participant.

It is not as easy as you think it is. And as for the feminist aspect of it? Well, I suggest you read some Betty Freidan where she talks about how, while she was out becoming the voice of women's equality, her husband was beating the crap out of her at home, for decades.

Get educated PLEASE. You are not helping.

I think she is helping by posting a post that isn't centered around "victim mentality." We don't all have to agree, but at least there might be someone who reads that and thinks, "HEY.....I'm no longer going to be a victim." Unfortunately, I'm more than educated/experienced on the topic and I can say without a single doubt in my mind, being a "victim" is NOT empowering. It's when we STOP being the victim that we are no longer the victim. And whether or not anyone else agrees in this particular thread, my theory on this not only saved my life, probably my son's life and has been (for the most part) well received in the domestic violence groups that I have attended over all these many years ~ not ALL women/men want to keep the title "victim" and if no one speaks a different language ~ it will remain status quo. (And keep in mind, men are the quickest growing demographic in domestic violence today.) Another problem with the "victim" situation is not only tragic, but keeps they cycle of violence alive and compounding: "victims" are NOT hard to find, seek out and manipulate. It's in their body language, it's in their eyes, it's in their words. Empowerment of self is much less attractive to an abuser than the alternative. (And yes, I'm well aware that self-esteem, escape plans, learning to live again, returning to an abuser, etc., etc., are never easy things to combat ~ regardless, new opinions/mindsets are vital since no two people are the same ~ just one fresh opinion might set one more person free.) JMO
 katie36
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 120
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 12:58:46 PM
One thing people may not be aware of is how insidious abuse can be.
I had moved to a new city for a great job(about a decade ago)and fell in love with my superior at work.I would like to point out I have always been a proud feminist,and I come from a loving supportive home.Mr x gently suggested I move in with him since I was renting a room while looking for an appartment.I did.Soon after,small criticisms started,almost shamefacedly on his part,apologetically claiming it was only to help me be all I could be.I was a little uncomfortable,but he seemed genuinely reticitant in the way he stated his criticisms,that I thought he must have a point.
Three years later,it was to the point that he would scream in my face if he came home and the dishes for breakfast(that I had cooked)were not done,regardless of the fact that I worked full time.I had become a crying snivelling mess.My career suffered.My friendships suffered.I gained 20 lbs,and started todrink like a fish.
Finally,thank god,he hit me.Ever walk around with a shiner,it is really humbling.People look at you with so mutch pity you want to dissapear.
That punch woke me up,and I left him.
I also lost everything I owend(no common law in quebec at the time)
No job,no home and little to no self esteem left.
It's easy to be critical of people in abusive situations,they get enough criticism at home,they need compassion and help.
Btw,I had never dated an abusive man before or since,just to blow that theory out of the water.
 german chick 1968
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 121
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 5:15:08 PM
to the op.....
sometime we find strength in a song .....
listen to
jewel . " stronger woman "
and listent o the words and apply them ...
" this is me, walking out the door "
 GildedPhoenix
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 122
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:09:02 PM
Been in that cycle. I met my ex when I was 18. The hardest part looking back is to determine when it started. It was small, subtle put downs, 'corrections'. I had been abused physically as a child and my self esteem overall was garbage. I made it very easy for him in some ways, I expected to be treated badly, and he provided that. He didn't hit me for almost 2 years. And even after he did, I stayed. I blame him as much as I blame myself in some ways. But I also have evolved past the victim mentality. I will say that each situation while may sound like the 'typical cycle' is unique. No woman walks into a relationship expecting that. Many abusers are superficially charming, and very often to the outside world, absolutely wonderful. It at times feels like YOUR the one with the problem, who is going to believe you? There are SO many aspects to an abusive relationship, that it seems ridiculous that people think they can just make snap judgements about a person who was in one. Walk a mile in their shoes first, then speak. I left him, changed my life, and started anew. My screen name represents that, the Phoenix, I'm rising from the ashes of the person I was. I don't recognize the person I was then, I don't even think I would have liked the person I was then. But I do now, I'm also a stronger, better person from learning from those mistakes. I want to applaud every woman on here who has walked away. I know just how hard it is.
 anita.74
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 123
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:10:34 PM
Me beeing a strong women, I too allowed a man to mentally abuse me, its hard to put a stop to it when you are in love, but its our choice, Im a single mother so it was my daughter that gave me the strenght, so I was able to live this relationship behind me, but I understand all of you.....we just need to be stronger and belive in ourselves because we are beautifull and we dont deserve this.....
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 124
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:24:44 PM

I can say without a single doubt in my mind, being a "victim" is NOT empowering.


You're absolutely right, it's not. However, telling a woman who is being victimized that it's her fault, is also not empowering. As a matter of fact, it is only victimizing her further by reinforcing the b.s. she's been fed all along: that she's weak, that it's all happening because of her, that if she didn't do something to deserve it, it wouldn't be happening. This is what I see beau doing and it's incredibly destructive.

Women who are being abused aren't going to hear another woman saying those things to her and suddenly think, "Hey, I think I'll stand up for myself now." They'll hear them and think, "See, even other women think I deserve this, so it must be true."

A man beats up his wife, then comes back later and apologizes saying he really does love her and that the only reason he does it is because her behavior sets him off. He tells her if she stops provoking him, he wouldn't do it anymore.

Then, we have beau apologizing to women that she has to use "tough love," because the only reason a man abuses them is because of their behavior and if they would stop, then he would stop.

Hmmm......
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 125
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:58:04 AM
like i said " the power of words, and the power of thoughts. " listen to yourself, can you read?????? Nola, I am talking about standing up and saying enough is enough. Ok lets all sit back and pat all these women on the back, cry with them to make them feel better, so they can go home feeling like they didnt cause anything, and continue the cycle. your makng up stories, I think your delisional and in a fantacy world. To some degree Nola you do have a responsiblity to get out of danger, my friend, your doing harm bye excusing the men and women for all this behavior.
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