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 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 126
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 6 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

I am talking about standing up and saying enough is enough


There is never an excuse for someone to abuse you. It is a cycle and until you have gone through it, you'll never fully appreciate it or understand it.

I did stand up and say enough is enough and still, 2 years later, he attempts to continue his behavior toward me. Because we have a daughter I have to speak to him about our daughter, but I don't have to allow him to talk to me that way anymore (the put downs, snide remarks, the chipping away at my core). I set ground rules with him and he laughed at them saying they're my rules and he isn't playing a game by my rules. He once said that since he never hit me he wasn't abusive.

I will agree that we are responsible for getting out of abusive situations. But I won't blame the person going through an abusive situation for taking so long to get out because I fully understand how it can take a long time.

~Peace and Mad Love~
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 127
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 7:40:52 PM

You're absolutely right, it's not. However, telling a woman who is being victimized that it's her fault, is also not empowering.

Ummm ~ I don't believe I've read anywhere in this thread that anyone one alternative opinion is blaming the abused (whether woman or man.) I certainly was NOT stating that, I said that after one time, I became a willing participant. I'm not blaming myself because he was an abusive idiot ~ I take FULL responsibility for the fact that after ONE time, I allowed it to happen again. I'm still here, so that would indicate that at some point I was wise enough to get out. Why didn't I get out after time number 1? Apparently I wasn't ready to go. If I can do it with a 12 day old baby ~ anyone can do it. Today, there are MANY more options than I had ~ we need to educate on those options rather than to render an excuse to stay (i.e.: victimization.) JMO
 Spitfire1956
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 128
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:38:34 PM
Beau;..Like I said previously, I was physically abused for 7 yrs by my 1st husband. Back then they didn't have abuse shelters to go to, and I couldn't go home because I was sexually abused and sure didn't want to go back to that-- I had a small child to worry about taking care of..so what does one do? If you left he would literally hunt you down and drag you back and make you regret going out the door. He told me that if I ever did leave him that he would kill me..and if not me then my son..and yes..I did believe him. He meant what he said!! It took me 7 yrs to save up enough pennies, dimes, quarters here and there..to live on one month when I did leave. And ye..he did come looking for me....until you've been in someone's shoes, you have no idea the hell they have gone through/ or going through!!
 andserendipity
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 129
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 11:49:11 PM
OP, I am deeply sorry for what you went through, and wish you strength and a good future. And courage and warm thoughts to everyone here who has ever suffered abuse.

To Beau37:
"I am talking about standing up and saying enough is enough. Ok lets all sit back and pat all these women on the back, cry with them to make them feel better, so they can go home feeling like they didnt cause anything, and continue the cycle."
--

Maybe I can shine a little light on how it happens. As others here have said, it can be really difficult to understand unless you've been there.

A lot of abuse is very subtle, and it is very hard to see it as abuse. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets angry, everyone is impatient sometimes, some people have trigger points, or suffered when they were children...

Before you understand that you are in an abusive relationship, if you are not abusive, you see your partner as a regular person with flaws and weaknesses like you. When weird things start to happen, you figure that person is having a bad day, or they made a mistake, or they're under a lot of pressure.... or that you have done something wrong, or to tick them off.

And if you are the kind of person (man or woman) who tends to take responsibility, who cares, who is flexible, who'll pitch in, and so on, then

#1. you listen to what your SO is saying, even if it's horrible, because you think there is something you can do. To change, or make things better, or to help.

#2. you give them the benefit of the doubt, as you would anyone.

I'm not talking here about physical abuse; many have said that emotional abuse is worse, and emotional abuse almost always precedes and accompanies physical abuse.

The person who is emotionally abused gets supremely confused. Abusers send mixed messages about how they feel. Often an abusive partner will work to isolate the abused person, reducing their social contacts and network. And they always have "good" reasons. Isolation happens incrementally.

At the same time, the normal things that the non-abusive partner tries-- compassion, discussion, waiting till a good time to raise an issue, brightening up the house, changing what you do or how you talk, providing treats the SO likes, listening, whatever-- they don't make a difference at all. If you love your SO and are putting heart and soul into trying to make your relationship work and your lives better, this can be soul-destroying. A most confusing and horrible experience.

Because the reality in which you and I live does not connect with the abuser's world. Nothing seems to operate with emotional or regular logic. Farther into the relationship, a simple question about a mortgage, washing a teaspoon sitting dirty on the counter-- anything-- can bring on a frightening rage. And the next day--some abusers apologize; some simply pretend that nothing happened. And that day, they act like they love you. They do things for you. They seem kind, or hurt, or puzzled that you are bothered by what they did.

And I think they really are hurt, and they really are puzzled. How awful must it be to be so cut off from others, to have uncontrollable anger and emotional negativity? People with compassion feel that, they feel it in their bones, and they try even harder to help the abusive SO.

It can be a very fine line; most people who are abused take a long time to recognize what's happening as abuse, because they can't imagine control as the motivation for their SO. And they know that they do do some things wrong, like anyone else. The non-abusive partner will keep trying to understand, to be better, work harder, not to do things that might bother the abusive SO-- all with hope. And if you are non-judgemental, it's very low on your list to decide your SO has some kind of disorder, until it is stark raving in front of you. That's when the awful, deep-as-night, sinking feeling comes: he or she isn't going to get better? How can that be? How many years have I lost to this? How will it ever be possible to put my life back together?

That's the moment when the non-abusive partner starts finding lists of red flags on the internet, reading books about abusive relationships and how to heal. And when the advice from everyone who's been there is RUN.

Maybe one definition of abuse is that the love all goes one way, like a one-way valve. The abuser keeps taking, and the partner keeps trying, until the non-abusive person is utterly lost and depleted, their social supports are gone or in tatters, and their lives wrecked in ways they could never have imagined.

It's a slow, degrading, process.

Until they can get away, deal with the past, and build their lives again with folk who have compassion and understanding. And to make that commitment to themselves: never again.

Anyway, HTH.

-- andserendipity
 lavenderlady44
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 130
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:16:43 AM
perfectly said...this to andserendipity
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 131
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:30:44 AM
I was mentally abused by my ex husband which is my we are not together anymore. Basically the last 4 years of our marriage became an excuse for him to call me names whenever he was angry about something. The most damaging part was when he would call me names and mentally abuse me infront of our children. This was the man I married because I believed him to be my "soul mate". What a joke! It just proved to me that you never really know someone. It is also the reason I will never get married again ever.
 maryb1956
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 132
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:41:10 AM
yes, twice while married to my x-husband he raped me. literaly raped me, it will never happen again with me, i will fight back, and hard....maryb1956
 Romantic4love
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 133
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:28:18 AM
Thank You, andserendipity! The below quote is me....


It can be a very fine line; most people who are abused take a long time to recognize what's happening as abuse, because they can't imagine control as the motivation for their SO. And they know that they do do some things wrong, like anyone else. The non-abusive partner will keep trying to understand, to be better, work harder, not to do things that might bother the abusive SO-- all with hope. And if you are non-judgemental, it's very low on your list to decide your SO has some kind of disorder, until it is stark raving in front of you. That's when the awful, deep-as-night, sinking feeling comes: he or she isn't going to get better? How can that be? How many years have I lost to this? How will it ever be possible to put my life back together?

That's the moment when the non-abusive partner starts finding lists of red flags on the internet, reading books about abusive relationships and how to heal. And when the advice from everyone who's been there is RUN.

Maybe one definition of abuse is that the love all goes one way, like a one-way valve. The abuser keeps taking, and the partner keeps trying, until the non-abusive person is utterly lost and depleted, their social supports are gone or in tatters, and their lives wrecked in ways they could never have imagined.

It's a slow, degrading, process.

Until they can get away, deal with the past, and build their lives again with folk who have compassion and understanding. And to make that commitment to themselves: never again.


You put it very well and I know from experience, you can run but if you are not ready to admit the problem, you just let yourself go back. I was warned before my marriage and after of the kind of man I married, but I didn't see it. Like many abusers, he didn't show his colors until after he had "caught" me. I, then watched as he changed and as it continued it got to the point of fear held me there. He never hit me, but he may as well have with how he used words as his weapons. I was used to produce children, leading to sexual abuse & rape to get what he wanted. I married a different man then who he really was. I was emotionally & mentally abused daily......then on top of that I was financially abused, he would control the money. It was ok, if HE got lunch out everyday, but I had to feed myself and generally my pregnant body and after the first, a child and my constantly pregnant body. I lost weight, I reached weights that no one should if they are not a child or small in stature. I quite literally was a skeleton and the only weight if I put on weight was the baby's growth inside me. I was at weights of 80-90#, when I should have been at least at 120.

Yes, I was able to run if I wanted, but I had no proof.....I had talked to local shelters and since I hadn't reported my rape or abuse, I was not going to be able to prove he hurt me and could hurt the children, 2 of which he wanted and 1 which he was upset at me for, because it was a little boy. I love each of my children, alive and who died due to my abuse and lack of natural need to take time ro recover after each child. I had a total of 8 pregnancies. I can't turn back the clock because, I wouldn't have the 3 that I do have nor would I have realized that I was stronger then he said I was.

I did leave him. I packed all three children up and left. I traveled 1600 miles away from him and found peace for a time with my parent's help. However, a judge deemed that I had to comeback to the state. And nothing I said could stop the process that happened next. No proof against him, so he walked clean and got the children. I myself couldn't believe that a Judge would feel that 3 young(5 and under) children shouldn't be with their mom. But that continued through out the whole case and now I'm having to fight to just see my children due to his lack of care. He hates me and so he thinks he is winning by taking the children away. But he isn't, my children are smart and they are showing signs on the phone that Daddy is becoming unpopular among them. My son is lost, not wanted & taken from the Mommy that has always made him just as special and when he got left out, he could turn to and cuddle or talk to. Now he doesn't know what to do, so he withdrawls.

I am fighting for my children's sake, as they need someone to care about all of them. I show it every way I can and I pray daily that whatever reason God placed them there, it will teach them that they don't want to be like their daddy. It is out of my hands til I can get a judge to order the custody plan to be followed. Until then, I hope the months before with me and my parents will help them to understand that they are good children and that they are loved for who they are.

When you walk away, sometimes things don't turn out how they "should" with the kind of abuse I suffered from. It is called "the hidden abuse" by counselors, due to almost always unless physical abuse starts there is no way to prove in court.

But I am moving on, I've been through a long divorce and a even harder loss of my children, but it is his way of getting to me, even now trying to control me by taking the children away. However, I'm waiting, I'm praying and I'm moving on with my life outside of that. I am in a healthy relationship with a man who treats me amazing and who tells me if I'm having a problem and helps if he can or at least supports me and "stands" there ready to pick me up and dust me off and help me continue to work on being myself, not the person I was "programmed" over the years to be.

I now am withing a decent weight, I have doctors who care and even have diagnosed I have severe anxiety, so they have me on two meds to help with the nausea that comes when I get stressed and anxious. I also have depression, but thankfully I was able through counseling and medication to find my way out of the fog. I am now an independent woman, who has addressed medical issues and is working on the controlling them.

I will always be sensitive to the pitch or different tones in voices. I still flinch if someone starts to argue near me or at me. I turn and walk away alot, because I do not find arguing solving my problems, which generally causes more yelling. But I don't listen anymore until things can be discussed civil. I am happy with who I am thanks to family and friends. I do still though not know when I'm given a compliment or a critiszim, depending on who it comes from I either ask or they can tell that I'm confused by it. Compliments are handed out most of the time, yet I still can't tell the difference.

I could go on, but one thing I do want to say is sometimes woman are afraid to leave and they have to have enough fear of the person to overcome the fear of leaving to actually step out into the real world, which isn't like where they come from and this can cause fear itself.

When you are in the situation you feel trapped, but once you start to see the real world, you are more willing to realize you can do something about what is going on.

I admire all of you who have gone through abuse and are now moving on.

I hope that this might shed some insight onto the subject but that at the same time make those who read realize they are special and those who support are wonderful in doing so.

I don't really post I just read, but I thought I would share my story in hopes it would help another.
 BrokenPsyche
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 134
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:50:02 PM
This is the first time I've ever posted, but I figure I may as well finally post.

I was in a emotionally/mentally abusive relationship for four years. I was retarded thinkign back on it, I'm much strong now than I was but hindsight is 20/20. I think the best quote I've ever possibly heard as to why women stay with men who are abusive in some form or another is this:

(This is from the movie "They Holiday")

" And every time she does something that tells you she are no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you. "

Sometimes when you've been with someone for so long it's scary to be alone. And you just fool yourself into thinking you are inlove with this person when you aren't. And generally this person tends to fill your head witht hese horrible thoughts that NO ONE will ever love you or thinks about you romantically besides them. And they are the best thing in your life. And after a while you start to believe it and then you don't want to be alone.

The truth of the matter is, they are dead wrong. Eventually, you'll wake up and realize what this person is doing/saying is wrong. And there is someone out there for you who will treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated. It's just a matter of being out there on your own, building up your self confidence and finding YOUR true self and not this broken person that your significant other turned you into.

It's hard to get over the damage but eventually you do.
 misticmaid
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 135
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:34:55 PM
An excellent book for those who want to delve into the whys & wherefores of abusive relationships is: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft. I read it & have about 2/3s of it underlined- fit the one I was with to a "T"- highly recommended, & part of the counseling I went thru to understand the ramifications of what I had been involved with. It is hard to understand if you have never been there-
 AllFearFred
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 136
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:37:28 PM
you probally agitated him.. And, didnt love him.
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 137
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:13:56 PM
ok people you win. you can all sit here and pow wow and make things up to let it continue the abuse. but I am deleting my posts because you just dont get it. Ive gotten alot a slack over this, and wasnt sure if i should continue to write. I will stop writing and stop being pro active on the subject. you can all sit around and try to remember what you did wrong, insteed of waking up tommorrow and saying its a new day ! thatnk god Im here and Im woth it!!! tommorrow is gone and i can make my future bright!!!!!! stop the fear, get up and do something. you have your future, yesterday is gone. it will never come back!!!!!!!!! but everything you do tommorrow that is positive will, brightin my days and giveme just alitlle bit of happiness.
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 138
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:05:27 PM

ok people you win. you can all sit here and pow wow and make things up to let it continue the abuse. but I am deleting my posts because you just dont get it


Oh for heaven's sake. Beau, quit acting like a petulant child. You're trying to lay a guilt trip on people because they don't share your view and you're acting like we're all going to suffer the whole rest of our days because we didn't heed your advice. That's an abusers tactic. Just like blaming women for the abuse, which you also continually do.

Don't you understand? You mean well, but you're employing abusers methods out of ignorance and a need to feel special. You do more harm than good.
 AllFearFred
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 139
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:18:35 PM
she is a petulant child.
 avert
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 140
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:46:21 PM
You are so right, that there is never an excuse good enough to ever warrant abuse. And it certainly is abuse whether or not a punch is thrown or not. There happens to be a very good educational video (that was instrumental in helping me to see the abuse I was living with and to leave) called "It's not Like I Hit Her". There are men on it who have come to realize the terrible times that they caused, and some acted out scenarios in which power over the partner is highlighted through the different means - emotional, financial, psychological and intellectual control that abuse often takes without the victom suspecting what is going on 'til it is so ingrained into the roles of the interaction of the relationship. I will agree that we are responsible for getting out of abusive situations. But I won't blame the person going through an abusive situation for taking so long to get out because I fully understand how it can take a long time.
A friend once likened the whole process to a frog in a pot of cold water that is slowly brought to the boil vs. the reaction a frog would have to be immediately immersed into the already boiling pot of water. No one would stay if all the signs were as obvious and detrimental right away but these people are very conniving and convincing until as someone else noted here " you aren't even a person to yourself anymore". It takes a very long time to heal and return to who you were before you believed everything that this one person told you.
To all the strong women and men that have come out the other side of such situations - hooray for you.
 avert
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 141
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 4:17:09 PM
Thank you for so eloquently describing the whole situation - these are exactly the types of things that go on. I posted before reading down to this post by andserendipity but it is all summed up succinctly in this one post. The slow degrading process - the way that both parties are feeling and reacting.
And as another lady has told in her story the abusive partner doesn't give up - it can continue even after divorce - sometimes even reinforced by courts and authorities- the financial control that can be exerted through alimony, the use of visitation or custody of the children. I am going through this now - he has influenced, co-erced, persuaded and encouraged the children to live full time with him. Parental poisoning is one term I have heard to describe the parental alienation that pits the children against one of their parents at the behest of the other - through all sorts of devious means. Withholding information or deliberately not passing along messages meant to be received by the child, even making up versions of events that eliminate the childs memory of the other parent even being present at events despite photographic evidence - these are some examples given in an article in June 16/2008 McCleans article by Ken MacQueen.
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 142
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:20:59 AM
Nola I wanna take your head and smash it in!!!!!!! are you just gonna stand there and let me do it!!!!!! stupid girls like you. your a wimp, a coward, and give these guys every thing they need to fuel abuse. And that is a really dumb girl. childish or not, you are defending yourself, cause admitting things are to painfull for you. you can mail me till your blue in the face(you can get hit till your blue in the face) So long as you keep your attidue you will never no what its like to be free. I will pray for you, you poor thing
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 143
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:28:29 AM
watch the movie the color purple, its an excellent educationl movie for this type of situation. In the end when the abuser has no one to abuse after woopie leaves, everything in his life crumbles. he has no one to abuse, She picks herself up says no more . You no what I love about htis country . freedom of speach. GUESS WHAT NOLA NEWS FLASH you have the freedom to do whatever you want(solong as legal) So the wake up . get a grip on yourself and stop the abuse. stop it. your hurting women bye saying AWWWWWWWWWW lets talk about it. lets talk!!!! talk is cheap ,, LET fricking do something about it. youll never win on this subject. DONE> and the plan to muzzle me will never happen
 Perhapsnow
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 144
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:58:04 AM
Wow you sure are looking for attention in all the wrong places lady....checked your profile again, you want what you want when you want it.....sounds more like an abuser than some abusers. You still have no right to come down on others for their opinions, as you don't want others to come down on you. You seem very opinionated on things you know nothing of, but if your profile is any indication as to be a perfect mark, lady you got it.....grow up and get back into the real world before opening your mouth about things you know nothing of. Muzzle you? Freedom of speech is what you wanted now you have it so do the rest of us.
Good luck on your future endeavors, try and be safe....
 KrystinaRed
Joined: 9/24/2008
Msg: 145
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:08:11 PM
I've was abused mentally and emotionally by my best friend for 3 years.
It's kind of weird thinking about how it all happened because we weren't even in a relationship. He was constantly telling me how much of a terrible person I was and how I don't deserve to be with anybody because I treat them terribly as well. Anyway, after night after night of crying and denial, I finally opened my eyes to the way he was treating me and I stopped all contact with him. After 4 months of ignoring him, I had to talk to him and get closure, I needed it because I would run into him constantly and just seeing him would bring back all the awful things he would say and I'd cry right after seeing him. He had a strong hold of me. When I called him, I was with my current boyfriend for about 5 months already, he acted as if nothing was wrong and everything was back to the way it was before all the abuse started. He started talking to me about how things were in his life and asked me about what was new in my life, so I told him about my boyfriend and what not, well apparantly they knew of each other and started asking how the I chose my boyfriend over him. At this point I was so fed up and just burst into tears, told him there never was a choice to make because he was absolutely no match to him, my boyfriend never made me feel like shit or hate myself. After that phone call it took me a year to feel comfortable with myself again, I still have issues with it all, but I'm getting there.
 firegurl61-17
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 146
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:43:03 PM
Tina~ My heart goes out to you as I have been there. You are brave and have the courage of lions. Its real important you don't ever find yourself there again..so listen and trust your gut feel about everything. My ex had something called a narcissistic personality disorder, and was emotionally abusive and later it turned to physical violence when I decided to leave him. He is now with another woman who is down on her luck..she has eight kids and she hasn't a clue what hes about. They seek out weaklings or people in need...yes and some already have self esteem problems. Almost like they have a honing device to spot them...then they manipulate and smile and do their dirty work. I am a survivor too and the greatest thing you did was expose him...they can't get away with much once exposed...but they will find God and try and make themselves look believably perfect...but they are not. I am proud of anyone male or female that has the courage to leave these circumstances....you hang in there...it will get even better over time. You are a formidable woman...brave and courageous. Smile that you also survived it...a lot don't. Pass on your knowledge to others...pay it forward. I admire your openess and sharing it with us.
 beau37
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 147
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:01:10 PM
thats right its a beautiful country for free speech and i love every minute of it. Thats who I am , if it grabs attention, it it grabs attention. thats the problom with this country everyone always wants hush, hush. well guess what, wake up ladies you live in a free country when its your chose to do what ever the heck you want. and what you want is not working out for you. Bye the way Judge judy is my hero. that chick tells it like it is. And so do I . cant take the heat , get away from the bon fire. what do you want me to say.............. AWWWW its ok hunny get your face bashed in. its gonna be fine, thats so unbelievable and typical of todays society. Nothing has changed for women. GET some balls and stand up for yourself.. If you have kids they look at you, and they are learning this type of behavior. One thing that will never happen with me in this life time, is being muzzled. ever , you can face the truth. it to painful.
 Perhapsnow
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 148
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:30:36 AM
Good Luck with that...oh yeah when something does happen in your perfect little bubble that doesn't go along with your imaginary world.....don't bother to share with the rest of us. I think you have burned that bridge.
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 149
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:52:31 AM
YES! Was hit, yelled at, screamed at, etc...I was glad when our "relationship" self imploded and collapsed ( I should have left early on, but was lonely and inexperienced-hey, I was in my early 20's...) -also was glad when I saw that she and her husband tanked out in bankruptcy court for $250,000+!! Have a good day!!
 zonea
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 150
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 9:37:21 AM
This thread made me think a lot about my marriage - whether there was abuse involved. In the initial years we used to have physical fights, basically due to non-compatability on all fronts. I am not a quiet sort and used to argue back and that would lead to a lot of rough-housing. He's the one who normally started the physical hurting, but I used to give back as good as I got - once he threw a vase at me which just missed my eye, instead gave me a bump on my forehead. To be fair, I've left scratch marks on him. But these sessions always ended up in my crying my eyes out - and he completely ignored me then. During this period I was a house-wife without much income to my name.

After the kids started school, I got a job and in 2 years' time I started to earn much more than him, and then the nature of fights changed. It stopped from being physical to passive emotional cold war from his side. I am a warm emotional person and expresses all my thoughts, and he's a cold fish. He started with-holding sex to punish me. I tried to talk to him zillions of time about it, suggested counselling, but he made it plain he didn't want sex with me anymore because I fight a lot. He'd just sit there and stare at me and say nothing when I tried to initiate patching up dialogues. After a few years I gave up and stopped hoping we'll ever have a normal relationship.

That's my tale of emotional/verbal/physical abuse. Never want to go through that again. With hindsight, if I were more mature I could have avoided the fights, but I am convinced nothing would have made us compatible.
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