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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/16/2009 10:38:35 PM | | Yep, sure was. But try to get some one to believe you when you're the guy and you're the victim. My ex was a master at verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. I lost a lot of friends when we got divorced because it just had to be MY fault. Over the years most of them appologised after having some experience with her and finding out first hand what a bi.tch she can be. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/21/2009 9:54:04 PM | | YES!! This persons profile appears to be "somewhat normal" long story short, the only way I got away from him was to use a "hidden" straight blade to keep him from hitting me; and thank God I had a cell phone he didn't know about. He was loving, kind, considerate, funny, etc; until after a few days he started drinking and between 1:30 p.m. and 5pm God help you, his personality changed so drastically that he would abuse you mentally, physically, sexually. I lived through a physical and mental abuse marriage many years ago, thought I "knew it all" all the "signs" etc; but this guy was smooth. For any lady's out there, ALWAYS CHECK THEIR CRIMINAL HISTORY! Turns out this guy has 13 past charges against him, mostly for physical abuse, check fraud, thier profiles are NOT what they say! Yes, I was stupid for not checking these things out before I went with him to his home, No, I am not a "whoe", I was just another lonely person out there looking for a decent man. THERE AREN'T ANY Left. Ladies, PLEASE, check their criminal records or any other records you can get a hold of, DON'T GO TO THEIR HOMES at least not until you have known them on a public basis for at least 3 months. CHECK OUT where they say they work or what they say they do; be cautious, my bruises, my scars, especially mentally of the abuse will take me another 4 or 5 years to get over. I can't believe I was so fkn stupid!!! Just be aware! THOSE PROFILES ARE BULLSHIT! Check EVERYTHING out about them before you go anywhere private or alone with them. They are not all safe!!!!! I am still learning how to use a computer believe it or not or I swear I would post this everywhere for all women, I have his name, his address, his phone number, his social security number if anyone wants it!!!! I will gladly forward this via mail or other sources. If you know how to post this message for all women, please do so!!! NO one deserves what I went through. Peace and love to all; JUST BE SAFE in your choices. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/21/2009 9:57:54 PM | I have been both mentally and physically abused by exes. I did not stick around, either. Yes, they are conivving.
That is one of the red flags I see with men on this site, too. If you disagree with some, they flip it around to make us the bad guy. It's manipulation. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/23/2009 11:32:05 PM | I was married and with to my soon to be ex husband for 10 years, for 10 years he was having affiars each time he left town for work (he left 6-8 mth of every year). This I only found out in mediation that he admitted to cheating more times then he could remember....He would fly off the handle at the littlest things like his taco shell breaking just strange. After his second tour to Afghanistan it got worse and more frequant bursts of anger and he started punching holes in the wall and the final straw for me was the attack with a 4 inch BBQ knife. It took me 3 or 4 months after leaving him to finally be able to sleep a full night. I always thought I could not leave because how would I afford things on one income etc.. then someone made me realize I make good money I knew I did but just the thought of a single income household as I have never lived alone was difficut. And I had no family here cause the army moved us here I felt alone and secluded the only "family" I had here was him and that was scary...I felt I needed him....
I see his profile on POF (he comes up as a match for me...lol) and always hope and pray he will not do the same to others...
I am very careful now and think with my head and I will never settle... | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/25/2009 8:56:32 AM | Reading these stories just makes me cry and hurt for all of us...i met a man who i thought was amazing and made him my world...the man i loved so much i found out had a violent streak thru him....
one morning he came home after work and i was up to greet him with my little girl and all i asked was why are you an hour late i was worried wish you would of called(it was snowing like a bugger) and he flipped out grabbed my neck and had me backwards over the back deck while my 8 yo stood there in fear...he told me i was a liar a beetch and worthless....i was so terrified i didnt fight back i couldnt he is so much bigger than me...after about 10 minutes he let me go....i walked into the house and he had a bag of raw hamberger and he started throwing it in my face piece by piece telling me i was a lazy old ugly piece of shit and i couldnt do anything right...i just stood there and took it....
i forgave him for all this but it never stopped he got mad one day and grabbed me and threw me on the bed and began his verbal assults on me....in his eyes no matter what i did it was never good enuf...he bad mouthed me to his mother his friends and to me...he isolated me from my friends from my family living here was like walkin on shattered glass one wrong move and youd get cut....then one day he started his crap again and he left to go party with a friend like always and of course i wasnt good enuf to be seen with him...id had it i snapped inside and i kicked him out bought bolts for the doors and text him...of course he ignored it he knew that i was useless and would let him back...he was wrong...
he came home the next morning and broke in and was walkin around like he was mr big sheet...saying you brought me here you cant make me leave...im not leaving...i had opened the blinds in the living room and sat in a chair...i had asked my mom to come up and just sit up the street while he got his stuff to make sure i was gonna be ok...i told him....im sitting right here in front of the window...and someone is watching us right now...kinda deflated his ego bubble.... right about then a cop drove down the road (thank god)and he was under the impression i had called them....i took advantage of that and said im asking you to leave if you dont then i will have someone make you leave....the look on his face was priceless
bout then the phone rang and it was a telemareter and i said yes this is *****im fine right now no please just keep watching i dont need you here yet...he though it was dispatch calling to check on me...he left and its been 2 months hes now with a girl 15 years younger and running wild...god have mercy on her soul
to all those who had the strengh to get out and stay out kudos....to those who still are in these situations....RUN and DONT look back...this is not love on either side...its simply fear and intimidation....you fear...they intimidate...hugs | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/25/2009 9:55:11 AM | Tina,
You sound like a very strong woman. Maybe you're a lot stronger than you realise. I'm very sorry to read you were treated in this way. He sounds like a pschycopath. I never understood why people stayed with abusive partners, but this has provided me with some insight. You deserve to love and be loved. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/23/2009 8:37:01 AM | Nothing aids your confidence like a big protective dog that has your back. My dog wouldnt let an angry man close to me. :) Having lived in many cities, it's nice to have a drink on the sidewalk at night with your dog too, and when people want to fight with eachother they stay away from you and your dog. Dogs are more visable than guns and excellect protection for a single woman. If you are a dog lover that is.  | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/25/2009 12:28:08 AM | I am actually in one of those situations. I dated the guy throughout elementary, junior high and part of high school and I left him because he was abusive. About 8 months ago he told me he changed... I believed it of course.
Not even a month later, I was back on the ground with his hands around my neck. For the past 6-7 months, there hasn't been a day when he doesn't hit me for some reason. And I read other posts about people saying he hit me three times and that was it... if only I was strong enough to do that...
Finally, 2 days ago I called the police and only because he did it right in front of my daughter. I feel so bad because he is in jail now and he will be in there for a while... but I know it was the right thing.
I have never let out my full story of what he does to me or says to me but trust me ladies (and men) that it only gets worse. The cops told me that, my counselor told me and so did my dv advocate and I told them that it couldn't get worse. Boy was I wrong!!
I know that I am not as strong as I used to be, I know I will never be the same and I know that I have a tendency to go back to these men but I do hope someday I can get the help I need and that ONE friend who can sit and listen without being judgemental.
It is hard to leave, and if you have a heart like mine, it can hurt to put them in jail, but it is for his sake, and yours. Be safe everyone. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/25/2009 4:15:16 AM | " I know i will never be the same"
No you will never be the same. My ex sounds like all of these guys rolled into one. The final straw was when he put a hunting knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. It did cut me --- not serious thank god---- but then he went after my stepfather who stepped in. After six years of this kind of violence on a daily basis, I couldn't stay anymore. After years of therapy I learned I would never be the same. Enough time has passed for me to realize I am better. Not fully healed, but better. It has been 8 years and I still check doorways looking for exits, even in my own home. So it never fully goes away. As for being stronger, I only have to look at the small scar on my neck to remind myself and know thatI will never be in another relationship like that ever.
As for the men who wrote in,I wish more of you would speak out as well. I lost a very good friend who is in an abusive relationship. When the police are called, he is the one that gets arrested. People don't believe him either. There is a lot of physical and mental abuse in their relationship. I was there for him for two years before I had to stop because of the emotional toll it was taking on me. It was the hardest thing I had to do. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/25/2009 8:36:35 AM | Having been emotionally and mentally abused as a child set me up to be attracted to men I was familiar with, mainly abusers. I am thankful that I have emerged victorious over these sick people in that I no longer attract them and I can spot them for 50 miles...if not more. In fact, abusers can't stand me anymore...thank God for that.
The mental/emotional male abusers are the most charming men of all and I do mean CHARMING. They know how to manipulate as if it is a natural skill and I am no dummy. They are very clever at gaining power over you and systematically removing small bits of power from you until one day you collapse in emotional crisis and realize you don't even know who you are anymore.
The worst thing that can happen to a human being is to be abused as a child. Their future will be a "set up" in a series of lessons on repeatedly choosing abusers until they say enough is enough. It took me quite a long time to get past choosing these types of people. There was a captivating influence there that left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed about my choices. So enraptured was I by their ruse. Little did I know that it's a dynamic that neither they nor I understood at the time, like a sick dance.
I'm happy to say that I no longer allow anyone to abuse me in my life today. I exercise my choices to the fullest extent and I know how to make the pain stop.
Oh, I'll admit, I still attract some wingnuts...but they last only a few hours before I spot their tendencies. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:38:40 AM | I can so relate to all of these posts, but instead of it being a boyfriend, it's my father. Yes, I moved in with him a year ago, and he verbally abused me and physically too as a child, and he is verbally and emotionally doing it again. In all my relationships, not one man was abusive cause I wouldn't take it, but I never got past dating in most relationships, never lived with a man, never been married, and I might be honest in saying I just am too scared to let any man get that close and thus have that kind of power over me. (in my head) So, it's definitely screwed up my life. I am in the process of secretly looking at apartments to get away from my father, who is holding onto me with an iron grip. Saying I am too sick with diabetes to have friends or live on my own. He imposes a harsh curfew of 5 pm on the one day a week I am allowed to go out, and his whole family says I am ungrateful to him even though I am paying more than my share of the rent, etc. I just don't feel like me anymore, or a shadow of my former self, and even being stuck in a hospital bed is better than this. I sometimes dream of getting sick enough to get in a hospital so I can just tell them, "help me, help me, get me out of here."
So, yeah, I definitely can sympathize with everything that everyone has been going through here.
M | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/26/2009 11:58:42 AM | | Tina I can relate to what you are experiencing after that relationship I was in my lastr abusive relationship 7 years ago and at times i still have flashbacks I dont know How I didn't end up hospitaliseed or worse cause when the police busted in the door I was brusises from head to toe the trip to the hospital showed no broken brones but the emotional damage has been hell to work trough it stays with you and I always consider myself lucky cause my abuser killed his next victim I don'ty think you will Ever be 100percent again cause that sticks with you but you will get better what really helps me is my volunteer time at the battered womens shelter | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/26/2009 12:37:28 PM | My ex husband was verbally abusive to me for about 15 of our 17 married years. Always telling me how stupid I was or how fat I was or some other junk like this. This always came about after he'd been drinking which occurred on an almost daily basis. I became a hermit in my own home, retreating to my bedroom whenever I was at home. When he knew I'd had enough and was making preparations to get him out of my house, the abuse turned physical. I'm sorry that my children had to witness the two of us tussling in the house and me eventually pushing him down the steps and out of the house. That time it turned physical, I fought back because it made me so mad.
We are divorced now and I'd never ever put up with that again!!! | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/26/2009 12:46:14 PM | In msg 189 I related sympathetically about the OPs situation and the similarities to my first husband. Since then I read a thread about "gaslighting" and realized I have landed in another abusive relationship, albeit of a much subtler nature.
It seems we are doomed to repeat our failures until we get help to see them for what they are. And the first step is to recognize the signs.
Some very kind ladies here gave me sources for help and I thank them again. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/26/2009 7:20:09 PM | Tina,
you are right about not seeing the outcome of what's happening when it's happening. I was in the situation once. There was one incident that occured a year into our choppy relationship. I didn't stay. Emotionally I escaped first and it took a couple of weeks for me to back away from our routine without arousing conflict with him again. I didn't leave immediately because of that manipulative weaving over you (like the pity they make you feel for them in my case) but it was soon after and before he got the chance to do it to me again. I thought I loved him but after he struck me with closed fists until my entire face was busted, I realized I didn't. I don't have it in me to forgive or trust someone who concealed that he was capable of doing that to me as long as he did.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and truly hope that you learn to chanel that anxiety about feeling trapped into faith that God will deliver you.
Be blessed. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/26/2009 7:46:42 PM | I can't help but think that perhaps there were some red flags you chose to ignore in the beginning of the relationship. Time doesn't pass and all of the sudden someone becomes an abuser.
I ignored the red flags. Abusers are very manipulative and can abuse you in such a way that no one else will ever see it, and sometimes you question yourself and the authenticity of the abuse. It's not until you become totally exhausted (slowly dying inside) that you realize you have to get out to "live again."
It's unfortunate that some of us have to go through this experience to realize our self-worth. It takes a lot of time to "unlearn" the conditioning, then when someone is really nice to you, it's overwhelming. Once you get out and realize what a wonderful human being you are and deserve love and happiness, you will feel like you've been "born again."
Blessings | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 3:18:25 PM | i have several tales i could tell here but dont we all?
there is - john
a difficult one to explain, his mother died of breast cancer when he was nine, his older brother ran away to his nans leaving him to look after his dad who took to the pub as soon as she was dead. so naturally after a tale like that on THE DAY WE MET i fell for the guy, he was sweet, smaller body frame than me (always better to be safe than sorry) had a real sweet honest face, not too long into the relationship my mother (who im very close to) started dating his father which at first was ace!
double dates, family days out it was amazing, we all got on so well.
then he got weird, 3 years passed of mediocre daily relationship life and he started to get REALLY clingy (the irony being im usually the one dumped on her ass for being clingy and possesive) and it started to creep me out a little, i mean we all lived together, went out together and then he quit his job purely to get more time with me!
it was very much emotional abuse, which is in no way less stressful and life changing to physical
Then there was ben, now this one is a really touchy subject in my family because half of them believe he is the scum of the earth, he hit me so to speak he deserves to rot, the other half (me mainly) still talk to him and his missus who just had a baby so congrats guys.
but anyway, ben had borderline scitzophrenia (something i know a lil about as mum suffers from it) he had a split personality he failed to tell me about, so one night we are having a drink at a friends, not crazy drunk teenage party kinda drink, just older friends having a few cans kind of drink and i get a lil flirty with a male friend there as im a flirty kinda gal and im tipsy at the time, i say something i believe is harmless but clearly isnt and he flies into a rage, calling me all kinds of names so we decide its time to get a taxi home, get him to bed.
we get home, he isnt in the mood to sleep, he wants sex (we all know whats coming next) now im not a big fan of sex, as i was abused when i was 3 and suffer flashbacks when i attempt to sleep with a man now, but when a very drunk, very scary crazy bf of mine says i want sex now **** 18 year old me says ok hunni whatever you say, to avoid a fist in the face. long story short he bit me on the breast and smashed up my living room, i kicked him out and that was that, not too traumatic
except a few months later i have a lump! it was operated on, im fine it was begign and like i said we still talk because this is one of those rare times where, he was and is an amazing guy, he just needs to get some serious help and thats not me being christian thats the truth, he is fine aslong as he stays off the booze
and isnt that the pattern in like 50% of abusers? | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:37:56 PM | Some real sad stuff here.
I was married with a very abusive woman 18 years whose abuse stewed with viscious gossip, who was very publicly humiliating, and got away with it with style. She flared into smashing windows and doors,knives any weapon avalable. I never knew what I was coming home to. It took many years for her to break me down, and then I began to live 'in my head' or allways seeking freindships that she had no influence over. I didn't have an affair though. That might have provided some needed stress relief! I was basically afraid for the children, and felt very isolated; she seemed to have endless energy to devote to controlling things, so much so that she didn't have the time to work outside the home. I worked 2 jobs, came home to slavery.When we split I was in pretty rough shape, (still not 100%), and to top it off, my son ran away from her and I have had to deal with some rough stuff.
I just wanted to make a comment about 'getting over it', which anyone who has been through this knows is quite an ordeal.
First of all, as a male, there was not alot of 'victim support'. This had both a bad side and a good side. The bad side is that there is not much in the way of support for males. I found alot of assumptions that were disturbing. I had enough personal support amongst people that knew was going on, but outside of that it was not acknowledged. That tended to be pretty crazy making for a while. This has a good side too though, believe it or not. In the end I knew that no matter 'who's fault', it was 100 % in my power to straighten the mess out, that I couldn't go on playing a victim. Its the person that thinks that they are a victim that gets a sense of entitlement to be violent and abusive when stressed out. Its the victim mentality that doesn't take responsibility for their actions. It certainly was what I encountered!
I had to concentrate on taking care of alot of business and look after a troubled son while going through this process, but went through hell. I knew better that drink or get into a rebound relationship because I accepted that the only way out of the pain (in my case, massive anxiety) was through it, and only after a year and a half did I actually notice things improving (nerves settling down, head clearing up, energy coming back.) I stayed away from the usual prescription solutions etc, and went into it fully, because I saw others that did the same and they seemed to come out less bitter and warped.
After all the introspection is over, however, there is still that fear that has to be overcome only by entering into another, hopefully, much more healthy relationship. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:10:59 PM | Emotional abuse, yes, had that happen. It comes in many forms. I'm sensitive now to any type of putdown and any type of emotional abuse but it can happen in so many ways that I don't always recognize it for what it is.
I have learned to pay attention to my feelings and if someone is always making me feel bad, even when it is only now and then and the rest of the time I feel great, I pay attention. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:31:52 PM | I think if the truth were told there are far more women and men being abused than anyone wants to admidt. IMHO the core of it is vunerability. Young people are pushed out onto the street way to early, with way to few skills, and often little or no support network of near by family and friends. It is little surprise that the bully mentality is rampant and so many are living in fear in bad relationships private and public. The sagging economy is certainly not helping.
What I have learned from experience is even in very tough times America does not expect anyone to live on their knees. If you ask for help to escape abuse the systems are in place if you are willing to work to rebuild your life . Men included. A single call will refer you to shelter and all sorts of resources. You will be believed. Chances are you did not get in the situation and you probably are not going to get out quick. Not likely you are going to be able to do it "your way". You may have to leave a lot of THINGS behind and live in a shared living situation, be on state assistance, maybe return to school, AND work at some crummy jobs standing in line for legal assistance, medical care, and counseling to have the things you need but with drive and determination you can be amazed how great life can be in about a year. If you are in an abusive situation think how many years you have seen lost just on the few people who have soken up here. Save yourself.
More importantly save your families. If children are involved do NOT kid yourself watching/listening to abuse of either parent is HURTING your children. They learn what they live. It will effect all areas of their lives to live in that kind of toxic home. Your extended family suffers too. Parents and siblings have terrible stress when you make them helpless; secondary victims. If you allow abuse, even if you stay, they can and do become victims anyway.
The risk for sure is real. If you are reading this and think someone is going to just let you walk away; especially with your kids, you are probably right. But it is possible with professional help not only document your abuse but plan your "escape" and your future. YOU HAVE THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE! Sometimes your family will come through for you , sometimes not; but it will surprise you the people who know what is going on and are just waiting for you to make your move. And the strangers that will help if you are courteous and appreciate the efforts they are giving you with simple Thank you's and responsible behavior.
The reality is, we as citizen's, can and do need to support the developement of prevention and recovery programs. Also putting teeth in laws that won't allow domestic violence. It is costing a fortune in medical costs, lost work, public services, crime, and taxes. That doesn't scratch the surface of the human toll. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:56:32 AM | About three years ago I met a guy, who at the time was everything I could ever wish for. He was my soulmate in every sense.
^^^What a load of horse shit. You say hewas your soulmate in every sense, but then one day out of the blue he beats your sorry a** like a ragdoll. Umm yeah, sure. The fact that you think its not easy getting out of a relationship like that only shows how weakminded you are. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:10:33 AM | I have been "held hostage" before.
Its amazing how abusers when you meet them they are the "smoothest" this guy was a gentleman in every sense of the term but his violent side escalated very very slowly. By the time I realized what I was dealing with, I was just glad it didn't last too long. First he threatened to drive me over the bridge, then we get home he held me hostage for about 10 hours. Before that there were incidences that I let go eg we went to a pub and some biker put his legs around my chair and my back was turned on the biker but he flipped and blamed me for "seducing the biker" that the guy would not have done that if I "didn't look like I wanted it" LOL! He was always trippin, tryin to locate me, and things like that. He bought me a phone and later I realized that it was one of those "locatable" types so that he can know where I am every single time. I decided to end it with him "amicably" because I was scared of what he can do, I think he was afraid I would file charges after he held me hostage so he kept away from me but started to call me after a while I changed my number.
There are very disturbed folk out here. | |
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:16:26 AM | Yes I have. At the end of the day, it is something that, if you have gone through it, you need to heal and once you are healed, need to move on from.
There is no choice, or you will be stuck in the quagmire these things generate. It feels really bad when it happens, but I chose to move on. It takes a 'conscious' focus to do so, but is well worth the effort and relief therapy brings.
I have had intensive counselling, sufficiently so to say that - I am over it.
I am also confident that I am able to detect the type of personality and person that these actions stem from, and avoid it for the benefit of my own mental, physical and emotional well being.
Good luck to anyone going through it, and, if you haven't had therapy, DO SO before you enter into another relationship and possibly effect another person as a result of unresolved trauma.
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| Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:27:36 AM | ^^^What a load of horse shit. You say hewas your soulmate in every sense, but then one day out of the blue he beats your sorry a** like a ragdoll. Umm yeah, sure. The fact that you think its not easy getting out of a relationship like that only shows how weakminded you are.
the only week minded one on this thread is you I consider the stories shared here by some of these people to be stronger than you'll ever be capable of or ever hope to be.
but anyways enough about the horse chit.
It's nice to see some of the Men coming forward with their stories also.
I've never been physically or mentally abused , but I can only imagine that the mental abuse would be worse. | |
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