| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:35:02 AM | I put it this way when it comes to trusting and love.........Something clicks in our brain at some point to save us from the hurt and pain, and that creates that wall that for some, will never go away.
I remember when young and playing with my brothers and sisters. Someone decided it was time to have a tickling contest and three of my siblings jumped on me and started in. I was very sensitive and very ticklish. They had me laughing so hard to the point of tears, then it started to hurt, but they kept on and on, then something just stopped in my head, and clicked in my brain. It did not bother me anymore. My brothers and sisters stopped and stood there looking at me wondering what happened, and all I could say was, I do not know.
I have never been ticklish since, and even though I am still very sensitive, my brain waves have "walled" up that part and will not respond. The same can happen for some that trusted and loved, but got hurt to the point that something "clicks", and it stops. I am there as well when it comes to that "L" word, and was hurt multiple times to the point that my brain has walled up that part of me and the connectors struggle to survive.
None of this means that we do not care, or can not trust, but it does mean that some have redesigned their heart and brain to protect themselves because of the pain that was administered long ago by one or more.
The point is that we do not forbid others from knowing us, or from being close, but what it does mean, is that it might take more time than many are willing to spend to break through that wall, and find what you are looking for.
Just my opinion........   | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:45:46 PM | Its said that good fences make good neighbors, guess walls could too. However a wall does not make exceptions. A wall keeps you in and keeps out the good with the bad and the ugly. Does the wall keep us safe? Sure, safe to be miserable. Now Im not saying just go into stuff with your eyes closed, we all did that and found out the hard way what the results are, im just saying be careful about walling yourself off and distrusting folks on first meeting. if you distrust someone eventually it will show, when it shows you may ruin an otherwise perfectly good friendship or relationship because that person is most likely gonna turn around and not trust you after judging them. guess my take on this is trust and verify. its safe, sound and still open. the old parrothead.  | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:06:05 PM | When you meet someone you need to put it on the table what your looking for....You should have done that before you meet in fact. It's not easy dating at this age and as for trust, that's hard too. But if you meet someone and you talk and get to know each other, you should be able to feel in your gut if things are real. If you have any doubt then go with that feeling. Or at least talk about how your feeling. If the other person really likes you enough they should be understanding and appreciate that you want to talk about it.
Please don't be with someone with a wall up. I married a man like that and I suffered for years. I was the best thing he ever had and he didn't appreciate it. He let his first marriage come between us. Never ever bring anything bad from a past experience into your new relationship unless it was a good learning experience. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:55:55 PM | When you use the phrase "someone screwed us", it implies that you had no role whatsoever in what happened to you. It's important that you put some time and effort into figuring out what role you played in setting up the dynamics of negative relationships you have experienced. Otherwise, you will continue to set up those negative types of situations.
Judith | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:57:57 AM | Hi,
I have to agree with your last statement. A new friendship or relationship deserves a certain amount of free trust. Because you can not blame other individuals for what others have done to you or things that you make have seen or heard. The rest of the trust in earned , because we all do and say things differently, it is what is behind someones actions that is whether they should be trusted or not. This takes time, and the bricks that you might put up are not whether you can trust the individual, but maybe certain likes and dislikes that you are not comfortable with. A good relationship will not have alot of dislikes and there will not be a need to decieve another person so you can me yourself. So when you first meet someone, give then the benifit of the doubt, if red flags go up, don't try to stay in the relationshio that you already know will not work for you. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:50:24 AM | | Anyone who has been thru the "wringer" so to speak has some sort of wall up. Seems that every time I let mine down, I end up right back where I was. Mine goes up when someone tries to get too close. Can't help it. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:07:05 PM | | I don't believe trust is earned, I believe distrust is earned. Why would you not give someone the respect we are all due without reason? It turns me off to not be trusted by someone and can be a hint about that person's past relationships. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:11:00 PM | Brick walls are for houses, or to keep out the neighbors!
I trust quite willingly, unless someone gives me a reason not to.
Sure you can be hurt if you trust, and you find out that person isn't what he/she portrays to be, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I believe the biggest obstacle is trusting myself to make the right decisions!
JMO | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:54:35 PM | Micky/STHIII..you said trust in one sentence then respect in the next .... 2 different things.
trust: to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of OR assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
respect: high or special regard OR to consider worthy of high regard
Maybe that's why you are so mixed up. Trust is earned ..... respect is given ... if either are lost it takes a lot to repair it! | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:28:11 AM | Shortstuff07,
As you stated “at our age” (over 45) … most of us have had at least 1 serious relationship. I know in my case my life experiences have served to mold me into the person I am today. In my case I fell in love at a very early age (16), got married right after graduating from high school & stayed married for 30 yrs before my divorce approx. 4 yrs ago. The 1st 25 yrs of my 35 yr relationship were wonderful. I lived a very good life, we were blessed with 2 beautiful children, successful careers & lived an almost fairy tale like existence.
During the last 10 yrs of my marriage, my ex got involved w/addictions & all that happiness was eventually replaced w/drama & chaos. I witnessed how addictions and/or compulsions can change people in the worst of ways. It would be impossible to not be affected by something like that.
However, those 10 yrs didn’t rob me of those all those wonderful memories of those 1st 25 yrs. They did however force me to accept some realities … like the fact that you can’t change another person (regardless of how honorable your intentions are) & in order for a relationship to be truly successful each person must respect the other person’s independence & individuality.
Now that I’ve closed 1 door & opened another I find that everyday brings me new opportunities to learn something about myself. I’ve never been big on building brick walls. Instead I try to learn from my past experiences & hopefully create positive changes in myself that will help me avoid the negative situations I’ve experienced. Ironically what I find more of a challenge than tearing down that brick wall is now that I’ve opened the door to a new life … finding others who will walk through & enjoy it with me. So maybe it’s their brick walls that are keeping them from coming inside.
Good topic!
Gary | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:00:17 AM | Dang now I know why I get headaches...bumping it off so many brick walls!!!!!!!
I guess silly me thought that everyone on a dating site was there for the same purpose..what is the point of being with someone if you are only allowed to know a certain part of them? Ever think the reason new relationships arent working out is that someone can tell you dont trust them? Brick walls will not keep you from getting hurt...they will keep you from real feelings...you can hide behind them all you want but in the end you will lose someone who really cares for you...I learn that the hard way...but hey at the time, it was a pretty wall and I thought it was what I needed in my life.
Now if i met someone with intact walls, Ill mention to them that they have them and maybe after they take them down, by their own free will, we can explore the possibilities of being together...otherwise they arent ready for a REAL relationship.
I As a "partner" who is comfortable with one person that you really start to care about and like to be with, do you trust or do you keep that wall up? And how long before that wall will come down -- if ever?
Wall should be down before you get in a relationship, imagine the disaster if two people have walls..oh wait I guess that is the reason so many consider what the other sex is doing is playing games....I got in a relationship with someone but then they didnt want a relationship!
The point is that we do not forbid others from knowing us, or from being close, but what it does mean, is that it might take more time than many are willing to spend to break through that wall, and find what you are looking for.
So to protect yourself you willing allow someone to know you, be close but then expect them to spend their time to break thru your walls? Someone ELSE hurt you in the past, or maybe part of the reason the relationship(s) didnt work was your own fault but now someone completely INNOCENT of your past is expected to break down your walls?
However a wall does not make exceptions. A wall keeps you in and keeps out the good with the bad and the ugly. Does the wall keep us safe? Sure, safe to be miserable. Now Im not saying just go into stuff with your eyes closed, we all did that and found out the hard way what the results are, im just saying be careful about walling yourself off and distrusting folks on first meeting. if you distrust someone eventually it will show, when it shows you may ruin an otherwise perfectly good friendship or relationship because that person is most likely gonna turn around and not trust you after judging them. guess my take on this is trust and verify. its safe, sound and still open. the old parrothead.
Great post! | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 40 | |
| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:20:29 AM |
what is the point of being with someone if you are only allowed to know a certain part of them?
Ahem.
I think that it would depend on WHAT part of them you're "knowing".
wink wink. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:27:19 AM | I don't know. Maybe I'm immature. I don't have a brick wall. Never have.
What's the point. Really. Are you sure that you're brick wall can help you from bad decisions? You can dump the wall. But that doesn't mean you should let your imagination run away with you. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:58:32 PM | | I think I have a double brick wall up. I fell hard and lost him. I don't think I ever want to feel that pain again, but at least I felt something then. Of course at this point I haven't found a man to talk to me that doesn't want to talk about sex within the first 3 sentences LOL | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:10:19 PM | | I think the best chance we have of lasting happiness is to find that balance between guarding and trusting. I tend to be guarded in the sense that I'm careful and observant, but I don't let it stop me from having fun and taking a chance. As time progresses, the guard comes down. I'm still careful though because it seems to take a few months to see the person for who they are once the "dating" manners are put aside. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:29:17 PM | LOL so far I haven't seen any manners What ever happened to the respect men used to give women and respect women used to give men? I don't have a problem with flirting , I can flirt with the best of them, or talking about sex, but I'm not into on line sex or phone sex, ok, well maybe after I've talked to the man for a month or two on a regular basis LOL But at least I get past 3 lines ...geeze!!!  | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:03:21 PM | .
Reading over the posts, I’m wondering if I may be a bit strange, or something. Or, maybe I just do things differently than others.
For instance, those I don’t feel comfortable with -- usually because of the way they present themselves in public -- I simply do not associate with. But there are lots of women around who I call friend and, as friends, I would trust them completely.
Those I would “date” are few and far between. And by “date” I do NOT mean going to lunch, a meeting or whatever together. Anyone around here who knows me also knows that I’m often available for that. That’s what friends do, after all.
As far as the mid-life crisis goes, I guess I must have missed that part in life. Because, if I am with someone (even if she is just a friend), I’m tuned to that relationship and have no thoughts of looking for “something better” while we are together. If I’m dating someone, she’s got me 100%, for the duration and no other person can interfere with that.
My friends (even the ones I don’t hang around with often) are such that I’ll trust them to enter my home to get something when I am not there. Most of us are single and living alone and that works both ways. Anytime someone is hospitalized, or whatever, I’m always the one called to break into the home (I’m good with locks! lol) do get stuff or do things.
So, really, I don’t understand this not trusting stuff very much. Because, when I think about it for anything more than five seconds, I cannot help but wonder why anyone would even have an associate or “friend” they cannot trust, let alone someone they are forming a love relationship with. That just doesn’t compute for me.
If you continually wonder if you can trust every new person you meet or not, I would suggest that perhaps your picker is broken and it’s time to stand back and take a long, hard look about how you select people for a relationship.
I’ve been around here long enough that I can say with certainty that there are a number of really nice women here who would make wonderful friends, were we closer. And, yeah, I can even tell that long-distance simply because they have always been totally consistent in attitude of what they write. To say that we would be compatible for a strong, loving relationship is unknown long distance. But, the trust and friendship would surely be there from the beginning.
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:32:52 PM | I am not sure exactly what it is we are or are not trusting here. Is it the other person? You can probably trust that they want to get you in the sack. That is what men and women do in a relationship. Can you trust that they are telling the truth in all things? Probably that would not be wise, We all have our secrets. Can you trust that they will never hurt you? Absolutely not. Self preservation is our number one instinct. So, if it has to be you or them that hurts, they will probably choose you. Can you even trust them to not be a criminal? Probably not. That is not something you would share when first starting a relationship. So, my consensus is that if I am to have any trust, it has to be in myself. I must trust that I can love and lose again and survive. I must trust my own instincts to judge whether a person is a good person or not. I must trust my own value system in judging someone else's character. And most of all, I must trust myself to make good decisions, and to forgive myself if I do not.
Sherry | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/12/2008 5:40:03 AM | | works2much1955: They do exist and I've been fortunate in that respect. Heck if I had a complaint, it would be that many of the nice guys seem to vanish after a few emails/chats. To get back on topic, the icky ones do exist, but I don't allow myself to be drawn into an uncomfortable conversation. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:46:31 PM | | some afte thoughts on trust: a wise person was once quoted as sayint to his not so wise friends "be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves". not bad really. watch but dont prejudge. as for screwing up and screwing over. I have as much right to claiming that one as anybody. However at my first aa meeting a decade and a half ago i had an eye opening experience. "every problem i ever had i was there". it was pointed out to me in no uncertain terms that my self pity and way of blaming others for my hurts and hangups were the very reason they still exist. now since that day i have had plenty of people i could apply the blame game to but i i find it not only pointless but actually bad for me, worse than for those i blame who just do the same to me. walls make good neighbors and a rock feels no pain. but then again a wall is really poor company and a rock does not feel anything. which is worse? hurting (again) or being dead on the inside and living with the past hurts as the compass for our future? choice is ours. | |
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| Okay to trust -- or leave that brick wall up?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:48:26 PM | | oh, and by the way, for those of my fellow pond mates who are saying i cant trust again, sorry thats another bit of self delusion. you CAN trust ANYONE with ANYTHING, at ANYTIME. the consequences may not be what you want but you can do it. as a society we really could stand to learn the difference between hard and impossible and can and wont. (sorry, the venting steam old parrothead) | |
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