| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 11:30:09 AM | You call your ex's "good friends" I'd love to know the definition of that one.
Look, the bottom line is you had sex with these dudes past. We aren't insecure, but any man who's been around knows getting a former lover back in bed is 10 times easier then a new one. That said, you're a former lover of these men. We're insecure...nope and not stupid either. So don't you be either. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:41:39 PM | Jealousy and possessiveness can wreck a relationship faster than anything. Does for me anyway. but.... all my contact with X's is the occassional phone call or lunch every once in a while. And running into them while on a date...
Despite my earlier post, I've got to admit the camping thing would make me raise an eyebrow. Not bashing... just saying... | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:59:02 PM | Easy. Because a lot of guys are just waiting for the late night "I'm upset with my boyfriend" call to swoop in, comfort sexually, and ruin a relationship. More of them in the picture means less of a chance they are all trustworthy and just friends.
I know I've had an ex I've been friends with in the past who came over upset at her boyfriend and was basically looking for sex because she was angry. These things happen. | |
|
| |
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:13:08 PM | It's not to me and I've been there and done it. Her ex was cool and he even worked on my house. If a woman's ex is her friend, then I won't get in the way of that. But if an ex tries to sabatoge the relationship, then that's a different story
Being naive is convenient. I'd focus on her behaviour... not his. Besides, these people are not only ex's... they are now FWB's. Which, in itself, says enough about behavioural patterns with ex's.
ok....i can camp, or hang out with, go to the bar with, when im not in a serious relationship..........
if a man that i am dating 'exclusevly' doesnt feel comfortable , then i would respect that and not spend time with the ex.....
I wouldn't be so gullable... you've proven you never broke off your relationships... you simply altered them for convenience sake.
You should end relationships that failed... not merge them with new relationships. In my opinion... you're keeping them as an alternative. You're behaviour suggests that to be the case. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:31:40 PM | I dont have a big problem with this,Ex's can still remain friends.If they did'nt split in a bad way,or if there was children in the last relationship then whats the problem.
But going back to msg 2 there can be chance of a moment of weakness,Its happened to me ,went away for a couple of weeks and came back to some fantastic news.
A bit of healthy jealousy is fine in a relationship as long as it doesn't turn possessive. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:43:41 PM | | On one hand I wouldn't care. But then I don't think its right to impose and inject and "x" into a present relationship. I wouldn't do it and would wish she was big enough to leave the "x" be just that, behind in a cloud of dust... | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:49:04 PM |
The vast majority of people will cheat or be cheated on at some point. People are more likely to sleep with someone they have already slept with before. Having a lot of exes around is a bad sign.
Very true. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:40:36 PM | Jim, congradulations...
you have figured out women.....
You cannot tell people what to do in a relationship, you have to accept them for who they are and TRUST that they make 'good decisions'. If they are going to 'cheat with the ex' , they're going to do it more so if your always pushing the issue or being so insecure...
And if the ex has a problem with the 'new guy', then we dont need to be friends if hes going to jeapordize my new relationship. | |
|
| |
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 4:33:54 PM | | Ah the big ex friends question. It was never something I could deal with and I would exit from any potential relationship the second I got the word that the girl was friends with an ex. I don't deserve that treatment, it has nothing to do with insecurity...it has everything to do with a Man placing the value on what he deserves and sticking to it. At the start of my longest relationship I had to cut ties with an ex who was a friend up to that point, she tried every thing in the book to stay friends with me, at first I thought it was because she really wanted me as her friend but I realized that she also wanted me NOT to be with the new girl, just for spite. I made a clean break with her and was able to give my new relationship the respect she deserved. Since then I simply avoid the women that engage in these types of "friendships" and omit the chance of the drama , simple and easy. Different people have different tolerances, as long as we stick to what makes us comfortable what anyone else does is their business. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 4:39:42 PM | Personally, it depends on the woman and the severity of the relationship. When I am with someone that is uber friendly with their ex and that relationship manifests behavior concurrent with the general definition of friends (do you go to movies, dinner, hang out, go shopping, travel, wrestle in your underwear) I generally ask, or focus observations in getting to know, whether they are dating me because they want to be with me? Or are they simply seeking someone better than their ex who they are comparing me to constantly? Am I simply a component to their social circle or extension of them? Also, when the person I am seeing gets pretty much every emotional or mental need (from the opposite gender) met by the circle of people in their life, then what do I really offer them? Simple physical gratification without emotional guilt? I have also found that some women that maintain a number of emotion/social based relationships with ex's tend to not put as much effort, desire, or thought into a relationship as it is generally unnecessary. Why try so hard when you have all these other men in your life? Also, some women take all problems in the relationship to their ex's, discuss the issue at length, then come back and attack the current SO who has had no time to prepare or understand what the problem is, nor is there a chance to lend their perspective to the conflict or resolution. In this case it is unknown if the ex who is the "friend" has no ulterior motive towards exacerbating the problem and is manipulative of the issue.
So to me having an ex(s) as friend(s) as being a big deal is highly dependent upon the relationship. As I see so many potential problems stemming from the relationship I will tend to look for/date/accept someone without the potential for any additional problems, as this option is available. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:41:35 PM | Being friendly with an ex and being friends with an ex are two different things, IMO.
I'm friendly with a few of mine, but then I can afford to be, they don't live in my town. 
On the flip side, it doesn't bother me in the least if an S/O has an ex they hang around with, any more than say a stranger making eyes at him would, when we're out and about.
Like others have mentioned, ~it's how my s/o acts in return~ toward that person that will ultimately let me decide whether he'll be going in door # 1 or out door #2.
I don't think any of us should ever feel that desperate, that we need to vie for the attention of someone (or worry about their actions and motivations) when they obviously don't have their priorities or act together as it pertains to showing respect for their new relationship.
Just a waste of high blood pressure, as far as I'm concerned.
hnh
 | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:14:43 PM | | Heck, I live with one of my ex boyfriends. We have been friends far longer than we were partners and thank God my boyfriend trusts me and him enough. They get along very well actually. It's never been a problem. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:22:40 PM | I have the answer. Guys don't like you hanging around your ex's because they are still trying to hook up  I should know, I hang out with my ex and if I get the an opening, I'm all over it. hahah. | |
|
| |
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:21:37 PM | Jim, congradulations...
you have figured out women.....
You cannot tell people what to do in a relationship, you have to accept them for who they are and TRUST that they make 'good decisions'. If they are going to 'cheat with the ex' , they're going to do it more so if your always pushing the issue or being so insecure...
And if the ex has a problem with the 'new guy', then we dont need to be friends if hes going to jeapordize my new relationship
Yeah it's the truth and it doesn't apply just to women. Screw trying to control someone because all it does is push them away and drive you nuts at the same time.
If you can't trust someone, then you shouldn't be with them. The nice guys here just don't get it because they think in terms of outcomes only. Nevermind that their actions will ensure that the usual outcome is not the one they desire but the one they deserve. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/1/2008 8:07:04 AM | My girlfriend told me last night that I was right. Her ex boyfriend tried to hit on her over the weekend. He's been in a relationship with an attractive blonde for several years that he's just bought a house with, yet he still came onto her.
She was furious with him. | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/1/2008 12:45:35 PM | | I find it amusing when someone asks a question then vehemently defends their position like it's the absolute right and all opposing opinions expressed are wrong and should admit defeat. | |
|
| |
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:07:28 PM | I don't think it's a big deal at all. Some ex's make better friends than lovers, so it's quite possible they can be a good friend.
Anyway, trying to control another person is a bad idea - mutually agreed "rules" for the relationship you're in are fine. Notice I said "mutually agreed." However, sometimes one person may have insecurities or neuroses that shouldn't be indulged - there are limits, after all! I'd question being in such a relationship anyway, because it seems there would be problems with both trust and respect.
Bottom line for me is that if I'm in a relationship, then we're together because we want to be, and we can have mutual guidelines about how the relationship should work. If my partner would be happier leaving me for someone else, then they should do that, and same for me. We don't own each other. Sure, there's potential to be hurt by allowing freedom, but all life is a risk. Imposing selfish rules is often a good way to drive someone away whom you care about. | |
|
| |
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:32:34 PM | I find it amusing when someone asks a question then vehemently defends their position like it's the absolute right and all opposing opinions expressed are wrong and should admit defeat.
^ Agreed. Why ask a question if you've already got it all figured out and don't really want to hear anyone else's take on it?
:
roll: 
why dont you two get a few beers and pound on your chest, like tarzan, seems you think like him...... | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:17:03 PM | All 3 of the men with whom I was involved in a LTR still speak to me. It took years before hubby #1 would but now we email each other and check up on how things are going. Would I see him in person? I doubt it as it would cause problems for him at home. But it is nice to hear about what he has done with the education I made him get.
Hubby #2 I spent 20 years of my life with...we have mutual friends, his family were very close to me, we still respected each other as humans as we had a very equitable divoce and no kids. When I was on my own he still took care of car maintenance, fixing things around my house and installing things for me. In return I bought him clothes as he would never buy any on his own, sent him home with home made soup and talked with his parents once a week. When his mother died I stayed with his sister, as did he, separate rooms. We sat together at the funeral and he cried on my shoulder. When he started a new relationship, I did not see him much but we spoke on the phone regularly. When I hooked up with a guy, they worked together on some renovations to my house. When he retired and left town, he took me out to lunch to say bye and invite me to stay at his new place whenever I wanted. There is nothing sexual about this...we are very good friends...if you are wondering why I left him when he was such a great guy....well, it was like living with your brother...no sex life whatsoever.
To me, being able to be on good terms with an ex says that I was not a **** about the break-up..I was fair and reasonable....but I think that every situation has to be looked at on its own...I can understand a new guy being upset over his new g/f going out on dates with an ex with whom she had a fairly short-term relationship because they are "still friends". It's different when it has been a long relationship and especially if there are children involved...surely you want your g/f to get along with the father of her children???
The OPs question, to me, was just too broad...there are too many situations that should be an exception to this "rule". | |
|
| why is it such a big deal if my ex's are my friends ?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:26:50 PM | OP,
I'll keep this simple. New SOs don't like you having your past reminders and ex's around. It's disconcerting and bothersome for quite a few very good reasons. You're basically faced with two choices, keep the ex's around, and have a parade of nervous, anxious, SOs; or knock off the crap and get into a real relationship unstrained by your whimsical bull. Your sentiments are wonderful in theory, but do you find it constructive to a relationship to have a guy's ex's and old girlfriends hanging about? Be honest with yourself.
Perhaps you should compete if you want old, tarnished,historic trophies hanging about all the time. There's sports,equestrianism,bowling, and golf, just to name a few championed activities. | |
|
Home
login 
