| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:28:38 PM | | At first I was willing to give this guy credit and say that maybe he thought he was being thoughtful by dropping by to cheer you up while home sick, but when you wrote that he said "That's too bad" followed by "You're dating someone who likes to drop by" you got my attention. Only guy that I ever dated that did this was actually checking up on me to make sure I didn't have another man there. Turned out he was the cheating kind so he suspected everyone else. He could be just ingorant, but be careful. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:00:50 PM | Wow, I'll say it again--I'd like to hear the other side. His version may go something like this:
I am wild about a new woman in my life, we are getting along great. She was sick one day, so I stopped by to console her and keep her company. She acted like I was a stalker! She had a fit because I didn't make an appointment to see her--I called beforehand, she could have said "no" at any time, but did not, then when I showed up, got all pissy. I made it clear to her that I enjoy her company and would love to drop by even if she's ill. Why are women so mean to nice guys? | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:07:55 PM | | Sounds like a 'control freak'......the relationship is on his terms without thoughts of you.....don't worry you are not alone, I've encountered them too. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:11:13 PM | | This guy totally disrespected you , a hint of what was to come - be glad you found this out sooner rather than later ! | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 4:17:42 PM | | CassaGo, he didn't tell her he was coming over - he showed up WHILE they were on the phone. He didn't ask, he just showed up. The first part of the story had me thinking that he was trying to be nice, but then he told her “Too bad”. That is where he went over the line - he wasn’t respecting her or her boundaries. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 4:57:51 PM |
I was looking out the window, and to my dismay, I saw him pull up in front of my house!
Yikes! The very reason I never reveal my address until I am practically in love with him. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:03:49 PM | | No, you didn't overreact. This is really bad news, deliberately ignoring your boundaries from the start. He would probably continue to do such things, trying to throw you onto the back foot. It is an aggressive act, in my opinion. He's saying 'we do things how I like them whether you feel uncomfortable or not'. Do you need someone like that in your life? I wouldn't. I hope that's the end of him, of your sake. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:05:35 PM | Different people have different boundaries. I know myself, I would be pissed if someone just came to my house unannounced. I need advance notice someone is coming. I am not a person who likes unexpected company.
Some people have no problem if someone just drops by.
No one is right and no one is wrong.
Maybe he is controlling and that is a red flag or maybe he thought it would be sweet to just drop by. BUT, his actions when he was there and the way he spoke to you when he was there lead me to believe he intended to be sweet but when you did not seem to appreciate it, he blew up and to me, that is a red flag.
~Carrie | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:25:25 PM | If a man even finds out where I live in the first couple months, I'd never put up with a drop in...my place is my sanctuary and I like it where when I am home, no one bothers me. My friends/family call before coming by, and I would expect someone I barely know to ask first, just as I would ask them the same thing.
That's a dealbreaker. I would have left him outside and told him to go home.... | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:42:06 PM | "That's too bad," he also said, "You're dating someone who likes to drop by."
Whoa! He would not have gotten one foot in the door.......ever.
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:08:03 PM | I don't know... maybe I'm super naive.
Granted 3 dates isn't enough time to really know someone, however maybe it truly was his intent just to give you a hug and see how you're feeling. I mean, sometimes guys do stuff like that and don't mean to be rude or intrusive. I would take offense to him saying "You know you like it." he was probably being sarcastic, and hoping you would like the fact he was thinking of you and wanted to see how you were doing. I also wouldn't take offense to the "You're dating someone who likes to drop by..." comment because again, I think he was just being coy.
I guess I don't really care if people just drop by. And maybe he wanted to see what you looked like when you're feeling like crap. I mean I want to see my guy when he's looking stunning, and when he's looking like he's less than dirt.
I don't know... again, maybe I'm way naive but I don't see any of those things as red flags. You don't know him well enough to know if he's controlling or not, I think everyone is reading way too much into it. I think this guy digs you, and was probably trying to be sweet to see how you were doing and let you know he cared. But that's just me... | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:37:15 PM | What a Weirdo that guy is. I would drop him quick! If he's that controlling after just 3 dates he could be stalking you within 6. I also don't like people to just drop by, but its even scarier that he just thought he could intimidate you into accepting it. I don't even allow my immediate family members to just drop by without calling. One day my brother just up and dropped by. I was expecting a date so I just told my brother. "Sorry you came without calling first but I have a date so your going to have to leave."
It would be different if you and the man were months into a committed, exclusive relationship especially if he were practically living with you already but not after just 3 dates. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:45:37 PM | | Definatly not cool to Drop in...not only is it disrespectful but its a violation of your personal space espically when your sick and you barely know him. Sounds like he lacks respect for you, show him the door and keep it locked. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:11:17 PM | | Sounds like he is spontaneous...I can identify with the chest cold situation wanting to get rest and get well in time to get back to work and not miss minimum time off from work etc...Also if he's the spontanous type and your a planner you two may have trouble agreeing on what is fun in the future....The guy sounds guilty of being clueless in that situation..... | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:18:38 PM | | or other possibility is his not so bright comments were quick, unlikely, unexpected responses to catch you off guard so maybe you wouldn't "shew" him away so quickly......maybe he realized his mistake, but didn't know how to react...he may have had people in his life in the past that didn't mind "drop ins"....good luck | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:36:30 PM | If this was me, I would have told him on the phone as he was pulling up to my driveway, to go home. I would have made it clear that I wasn't opening the door to anyone, and too sick for anyone to drop by. If he didn't get it, then he would be chatting with the police.
Where you made the mistake, you opened the door, as you where in the process of making your lunch and offered him a meal? The man didn't listen to you, in the car, showing up at your door and in your home, and had to assert yourself, after he gave you ultimatum? How do you know this man wasn't going to assault you, only knowing him after 3 dates? There must have been attraction on your dates, he saw something he like, and wanted to get some action. The man wasn't coming over to give you a hug, more like checking on you, and you saw his dark side? I would be annoyed, pissed off and want to toss this loser to the curb. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:45:35 AM | | So I will start this message by saying that of course there was an attraction between us...Things were going well. Also, I don't know if he was being a stalker. I think the others nailed it when they said that he just really liked me and wanted to surprise me. The thing is, when he argued with me about liking drop ins, and said those other things, that was when I felt intruded upon more than anything. I was ill, needed rest, and I was NOT comfortable being seen like that...the disheveled look I sported that day is strictly reserved for those closest to me...not for people that I have just begun dating. (I don't always have to be put together, far from it, but that day I looked baaaaaadddd.) He should have just asked me if I wanted company, that's all....it would have saved a lot of hurt and embarrassement. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:01:26 AM | well if you tell him on the phone you don't like surprise drop ins and he still won't listen....then don't let him in and when he says too bad...give him the ultimatum instead..he either listens to you and you will still date him or if he won't listen then you are no longer going to date him
that will fix him | |
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_JAFO_
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Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 44 | |
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 8:15:48 AM | Yeah!
What's up with men just dropping in?
You weren't out of line and you had more guts to tell him than me.
The same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago. A man who I'd been seeing who's long since moved to another part of the country decided to just show up on my doorstep after a year or so of no contact. He was in town for the day and apparently sat in his car in front of my house for 5-10 minutes trying to decide whether to come to the door.
Like you, I wasn't looking my best and didn't appreciate the surprise visit.
Guys... learn from this. We DON'T like surprise visits. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 8:55:44 AM | hmmm...I guess that's where being a dirty/nasty biker has its advantages. My house is a virtual pigstye. NO woman I know REALLY wants to be here (although some do put up with it temporarilly ) So.. "dropping-in" is not an issue for me. Being in the "extreme boonies" also helps there. Now.. I have "dropped in" on a couple women, but it was after several meetings and parameters/relationship had been established.
Most of them were sick at the time as well. I stopped by to see if there was anything I could do, or bring/get to make life easier for them in their circumstance. But, again, that was when I've already seen them in their "natural state" with baggy eyes, unkempt hair, moose-breath, etc. Last time I had a "drop-in".. it was from my ex (after having been out of the picture for 4-5 months I might add) She found me with another female, and from the rukus that ensued, you'd have thought we were married, and she caught me cheating! But that's another story....
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:13:35 AM | I had someone show up at my work and had NEVER met him in person...he thought this was romantic...I thought it was very creepy! I don't like people just dropping by..its tacky and shows a lack of common manners. You have every right to feel invaded upon...by the way I hope you feel better. This man stepped over the line of respecting your privacy and boundaries. Even my friends i have known for a long time don't just drop by...they call first. Hang in there and good luck OP! You were NOT out of line. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:00:13 AM | OP, you were not out of line at all. Like many of the other posters here, in this day and age of cell phones and email there is never a need to drop in unannounced on someone and if you were on the phone with him and he took it upon himself to just come over, that's being extremely presumptuous and more than a bit pushy.
I have several close friends, both male and female, as well as grown children who live on their own, and I would never think to just "drop in" on any of them without asking or checking to see if they want me to come over or without being invited. Luckily they are all considerate enough of our relationships to feel the same way and extend that same courtesy to me as well.
This guy may have liked you (a bit too much?) but he certainly wasn't showing respect for your feelings or wishes, even if he was joking. Maybe he thought that you really wanted some "cuddle company" to help you get over your illness. 
What was the outcome after this experience? Was there a fourth date or did you decide that his behavior during this episode was a deal breaker?  | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 11:03:50 AM | The outcome of this? Well, that happened on Monday, and I haven't seen or heard from him since then. For sure the behavior was a deal breaker, but I would have been open if he just would have, or could have respected the way I felt in that instant, and had made sure it would never happen again. (maybe even an apology?) Instead, I think he chose to take it as a personal slight. (I will certainly not apologize for what happened-it is the way it is.) Oh well. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say....and I think I'm a pretty good catch!  Thank you to everyone for their support!
P.S. As for cute and cuddly company when I'm ill...I have a dog for that. (and he is really well trained...he respects my wishes all the time! lol ) But seriously, thanks everyone. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:36:08 PM | | OP, while I agree that I don't much like people just dropping by (although close friends and family can do it), there's a bigger thing going on here. If you feel you 'barely' know him, why does he know where you live already? Also, if this was someone you had been dating for quite a while, would it have bothered you if he dropped over when you were sick to give you a hug? You may or may not be blowing this up out of proportion...but I have the feeling that if you were crazy about this guy, just like many of us you wouldn't have cared that he just dropped by, and in fact would have loved that he was so sweet to want to give you a hug when you didn't feel well. He may have been 'arguing' that you liked it because he was crazy about you, or was trying to defuse the situation and his embarrasment, after seeing your reaction. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:44:23 PM | It sounds like he was being thoughtful for dropping in a checking on you while your sick, which is sweet and thoughtful. but then (according to your story) it sounds like he was rude not to except that you don't like drop ins. Plus what ultimatum did he give you? I would say anyone that gives you an ultimatum after just 2 weeks then choose to get out of that relationship.
For your questions. No you weren't out of line and I personally hate the drop in. My dad does it and I accept it but anyone other than my mother and my father better call first or I might send the dog out in stead of me answering the door. | |
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