|
|
|
|
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:48:25 PM | What I find most disturbing about this man's behavior is that he thought he could tell you how you felt, without taking into account what you were telling him about how you felt. What's a good strategy for dealing with that kind of situation? Maybe start telling him how he feels, (choose a feeling that suits your needs) and ignore everything he says to the contrary. For example you might tell him: "You're ashamed of yourself for having intruded. I can see that you're ashamed of yourself. That's why you're leaving right now."
Really I think you let him know where you lived too soon. New guys need to be handled like Ted Bundy until you know them better. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:31:20 PM | MSG 49
the guy that showed up at my work got my work and my home address online. Its not hard....
good point nueva | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:39:05 PM | | omg you are just shallow.and a chicken ---------- !!!!!! send a nasty email then block and run......everyone who wants a copy of her email just ask........the wierd people on here...omg grow up woman and go help a cat out of a tree for gods sake | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:47:05 PM | This is an interesting thread, not because of what happened so much, but rather by the judgmental people that are freaking because after a third date the guy knew where you lived...
For Pete sakes, your damned if you do and your damned if your don't...
OP, to bad in away that his true colors came screaming through... Perhaps his behavior of insisting you liked it, was because he was embarrassed and he felt rejected.. Perhaps he was hoping you'd let it go and it would all be good...
Sometimes the male ego (I am sure women are like this too) can't handle being told they are in the wrong, and instead of sucking it up, and backing down they have to really fluff their feathers...
You have every right to your privacy, and desire to be left alone when you aren't expecting company...Someone with more class, and maturity would have apologized to you, and got out of there, understanding they over stepped their boundaries...
One thing for sure, he will probably think the next time he wants to drop in unexpectedly on a new person he's trying to impress... | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 3:07:07 PM | Ya know....if the guy came by to bring some chicken soup & cough medicine I would say, What a guy! That's nice. But, it seems that he came by with expectations of being entertained instead. When you were preparing your lunch & offered to include him, he could have offered to help since you weren't feeling well or something...
Then again, he could be one of those people in the world who has a very low EQ & has no clue about acceptable social behaviour. The world has lots of them & they have no idea what they did to piss people off. Boundries are one of the most common areas where low EQ is exibited. I hate my boundries to be invaded with drop ins or even just having someone stand too close to me to talk to me. It makes me want to lean back away from them.
In any case OP, you got a nice learning opportunity out of it. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 3:55:30 PM | | hmmmm call first before dropping in.... | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:01:54 PM |
If you feel you 'barely' know him, why does he know where you live already? Also, if this was someone you had been dating for quite a while, would it have bothered you if he dropped over when you were sick to give you a hug?
To your first question, I will say what I said before: MANY people know where I live...they ALL respect my privacy and call before coming over. I am a big girl, and can take care of myself. I am certainly NOT scared of this guy, or of anyone else, and don't feel the need to keep my address a tightly held secret for all eternity, from everyone I ever meet. For crying out loud my neighbors are more of a threat to me than he was, and they know where I live! THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE, why he knew where I lived. Some maniac could follow me home one night, and if I was attacked, would it be my fault because I went home, and showed them where I lived? Give me a break, please...find someone else to judge.
Also, it doesn't matter how long we've been dating, I DON'T LIKE DROP INS. Never have, never will, doesn't matter who. No one has known me longer than my parents, and even they call before coming by. The thing is, with that one little courtesy, a call, a person is ensuring that we have a great visit. I don't like to turn people away, but I need them to call me first. That's all. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:20:47 PM | OP
You were not way out of line. Some people just don't have a clue in regards to proper manners what so ever. You make it clear to him one final time that it's your home and you don't accept that kind of nonsense. Then if he shows up unannounced again then you keep your doors locked, call him on the phone, tell him to drive his butt back home and call you from there and then you may or may not invite him. In case your wondering I'm dead serious in my advice, if he can't handle that then let him find a new person to date who will be has out to lunch as he is and will accept him showing up unannounced at their door and not yours.
People like that really bug me, they act like your suppose to drop everything and just welcome them right in your house. Honestly the nerve of some people amazes me. Be firm and stick to what you told him. If you don't put a stop to it, that sort of thing will just continue. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:29:37 PM | | I think he was disrespectful all the way around, and it's good that you find out now. I prefer people to call me first, especially if it's someone I hardly know. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:43:16 PM | Oh, my! I had almost the exact same thing happen to me recently. I'd been on two dates with a man over the previous 4 days. On Easter, I was sick (and told him so). We'd made tentative plans to get together, and there was the possibility that he was going to pick me up at my home, so he knew my address. My sentiments about someone knowing where I live are exactly like yours. It's not that I'm fearless, but if someone of the criminal persuasion wants to know where anyone lives, it's not difficult to find out. So, I'm not overly guarded about it unless I have reason to be suspicious of someone. And, if I am suspicious of someone's motives, I'm not going out with him to begin with. So, we can dispense with the entire, "Why did he have your address in the first place?" attack.
Anyway, early in the afternoon I rec'd a voice mail message from the man. He said he was on the way over to drop off some books for me. I was shocked that he was presumptuous enough to think that it was okay to drop in - bearing gifts or not! Having my address does not equal an invitation to drop in uninvited. Before I could even register a response to his voice mail, my doorbell rang. I did not answer it. I was in sweats, with a sinus infection, and there was no way I was answering the door even to explain why I was so annoyed at his action. I later e-mailed him to explain why I would not be seeing him again.
His showing up was a form of manipulation, I think. He wanted to push the relationship along at a faster pace. One way to do that is to establish comfort in another's personal space. Another way is to share personal belongings (such as books). So that he could engineer this contrived closeness, I was supposed to be accepting of his decision to intrude on my privacy. I would have had a completely different reaction had we been dating for awhile, after having a chance to establish boundaries and preferences.
I can't think of a set of circumstances when it would seem reasonable for someone to just drop in that way. And, I considered it - just to gain some objectivity. My feeling was that if the roles were reversed, I might have expressed that I thought it would be a nice gesture to drop off a "Get Well" gift; and that if we knew one another a little better, I might have done so. But, I would never have thought it appropriate to show up at a new acquaintance's doorstep. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:09:15 PM | | My personal golden rule, never show up at someone’s house uninvited. If they want me there they will express it and I would be grateful for the invite. What I do not understand is how can one gain any type of good feeling by forcing their way into another’s life? Respect the boundaries that you would like, privacy is not secrecy, simply a time for the other to have to themselves for whatever reason. Then again, I have known people like this and it seldom ends pleasant for either party involved. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:19:42 PM | This thread is indeed interesting. One thing that seems very strong and in this day and age still surprises me is the fact that the concept of 'Blame the victim’ is very much alive and well!
The statement, "But why did you give your address?" I liken to "If she did not wear that sexy attire, she would not have been raped." Or" Hey, it serves her for answering back her man" after the woman was beaten badly by the batterer.
The OP has given her explanation for the nth time, yet some people still badger her about it. She is very right. That is NOT the issue! The guy was out of line in imposing his presence without prior notice. Give OP a break. Quit placing any blame on her.
As I said before, I think the policy "If you are not invited, you are not welcomed!"
conforms to the social graces that can stand the test of time. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:38:51 PM | Hmm. Interesting topic. I wouldn't in a million years just "drop in" on someone I've only dated a few times unless we had a specific conversation about him being open to that type of socializing, but only because I'm aware enough to understand MY way isn't the RIGHT way (I grew up in a drop-in type of household, and it just TOOK as a way of life).
So I definately wouldn't be bothered if someone I'd dated a few times dropped in on me. If they see me barfy-looking, so be it. If I'm seriously too sick (I get migraines once or twice a year) to talk to anyone, I wouldn't be answering the phone or the door anyway, so it's irrelevant. If I was busy or couldn't "entertain" for another reason, I'd just say so and shoo them away.
I'd think that common sense, even after two or three dates, would tell someone how the other person feels about "drop ins." But some people might be a bit slower on the uptake and need it spelled out in black and white if it's NOT OK. The comments made by the specific guy in the OP's descriptive could be someone doing a bit of self-conscious verbal dancing before he realized the seriousness of her objections - making a mistake, and having that slowly dawn on you as the minutes pass, can cause a brain-to-mouth malfunction in the best of us.
Geeze, complicated post, OP. You weren't wrong. You feel what you feel. He MIGHT have been "wrong," in the yikes! red flag! thoughtless, manipulative way some posters are seeing, or he MIGHT have just been wrong in the: "Stupid! Stupid! Did I really say that? Now she thinks I'm a creep! Oh, crap!" as he drives home way.
Hard to tell.
I'm actually basking in the pleasant afterglow of a recent, unexpected "drop in." I was watching TV and heard a knock on the door. I opened it, totally unprepared and, to be frank, looking quite - um, casual? - and there stood the very first man I dated a few years ago, when I started dating again after my partner's death.
I "picked" him as my first dating victim, because I knew he was about to be transferred to the other coast and he was a safe, non-dramatic prospect. We went out four, maybe five times, said nice goodbyes, emailed a few times, and then lost touch.
He's back in town for a conference, and only dropped without phoning because my last name has an unusual spelling and couldn't find it in the phonebook. He took a chance, dropped in, knocked on my door - yay! nice!
For all he knew, I could have been sitting here with a serious boyfriend or long-term partner, but, still ... he'd have got a hug and been invited in, entertained, and been introduced without compuction (since I only date sensible men, my man wouldn't have been freaked out by a little blast from my past).
I actually like drop ins, the more I think about it. I respect those who don't, but I do. | |
|
| Dropping in?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:43:31 PM | """ I guess the thing that really bugged me, apart from him showing up unannounced, was that he refused to listen to me when I told him that I did not like people dropping in, telling me that I really liked it. "That's too bad," he also said, "You're dating someone who likes to drop by." Then, when he gave me the ultimatum I really felt like I had to assert myself, and did. He said he had just come by to give me a hug"""
Normally (as most people said) dropping by unannounced is presumptious. Sounds like he had really fallen for you. If you really liked him, dropping by should have been a glorious moment in the early days of many relationships. Since you weren't as equally infatuated with him, nothing to worry about. IN that case, you did the normal thing.
You both were walking a fine fine line. I guess I'm trying to say, is if two people (any two people) are in a loving relationship, is "dropping by" really an invasion of personal space, compared to say GETTING NAKED TOGETHER! That's not intended advice for "casual daters", etc. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
