| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:27:57 PM | This is definitely a question that has only one right answer if you constrain yourself to the tiny box the OP wants you to confine you within. If you read the entire thread you will see that he says that he is only talking about when parents abandon the kids for selfish reasons. So by definition he is only asking, "does it affect your interest in dating someone when they are demonstrably so selfish that they'd rather be out partying than raising their own kids?" In fact, an even more direct way the OP could have framed the question is, "Does a person having poor character affect whether you want to date them or not?" Hmm. Tough question, only NOT.
The way people have been answering it is much broader and that is what makes an actual thread out of a non-question. If you get into other reasons why parents give up kids, then there is less a clear cut judgment of the person's character.
For example, if a man has been stuck with a kid because the condom broke and his girlfriend refused to have an abortion and he then decides to have nothing to do with the kid other than paying any court mandated child support (a legal obligation) that does not suggest poor character to me. I still wouldn't want to marry him, cause I don't want my man paying out money to another household, but I wouldn't think he had poor character and I might date him on a short term basis. He did not willing take on an obligation then shirk on the deal after the fact. I would consider the woman who tried to trap him as the one with poor character and too bad the kids will be raised by her. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:53:58 AM |
i actually would date a dead beat dad anyday cause it tells me i don't have to worry about coming in second place in his life....i don't like kids and don't want any of my own or the guy i'm with to want or have kids either and thats a major quality i look for in a guy
when guys tell me they have kids they either pay child support for or even playa role in the childs life...i won't date them at all cause of the kids in there life...and kids are not for me
Sounds ideal... two selfish people together. Problem is that if a man is too self centered, too selfish to take care of the children he helped create, do you REALLY think he will be able to put you first? Dream on. He will do it as long as it serves some purpose for him - fills some need for HIM.
One more thing to consider... a noncustodial parent who doesn't pay child support? Odds are that there is a court order stating s/he has to pay the support and eventually running from the law ends badly.
What happens when your husband of five or ten years is arrested for failure to pay the child support (that you knew about and agreed with him not paying), your joint bank account is seized and the only way to get him out of jail is to pay the back support? | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:06:28 AM |
well its pretty sad i got put down cause i would date a guy like that and i have before in the past....they were the best relationships for me...cause we were on the same page when it came to kids...
First - you were not put down, you were told the cold hard truth - any man (or woman) who will create children and then abandon them will do the same to you. The truth of that matter is evident in the fact that you are currently single... if those guys had been so wonderful, stand up guys, you'd still be with at least one of them, I'd think.
Second, obviously you were NOT on the same page - you don't want kids, and have been responsible enough not to have kids. He HAS kids, which means that at some point in time, he either wanted them or was irresponsible enough to have them when he didn't want them. (Note, a player will tell you what you want to hear - just because he says it and you WANT to believe it does not make it true.)
i never really seen it as a big issue as i stated previously witch is a good reason for me...its not for all...so what just because i will love a guy who abandoned his kids over a guy who accepts them as part as him.....kids are not my thing for sure
Then you should choose men who are wise enough and responsible enough to be CHILD FREE. Not men who create children and abandon them. Because it WILL catch up with them at some point in time - and guess who will be left holding the bag with them when it does?
Point in fact - child support arrears can result in confiscation of tax refunds/rebate. You file a joint return with a deadbeat dad, the government seizes it to PAY BACK HIS child support arrears. Yes, you can get your money back... eventually, after you file an injured spouse form and wait several months.
That's just one way you can get caught up in *his* mess. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 3:01:37 PM |
I was reading a story on the internet about a dog. This dog had 6 puppies and it's owner buried them alive because he wanted nothing to do with them. The mom of the puppies, chewed her way out of the rope she was tied up with, and dug her puppies out of the hole, all but one survived. This to me is the very essence of motherhood.
That is so sad. I am hoping that the people who did this to the puppies were then buried alive.
I think how a person treat their kids are a huge indicator of the kind of character that person has. A woman that would abandon her child, is not the type of woman i would want in my life(with very few exceptions).
I agree with you OP. If a woman will abandon her kids all willy nilly then what does that say about her character? It says that she does not have one. She has no heart to just give up her kids like that.
But, there are some exceptions that I would not really call abandonment. To me abandoning the kids is giving them up for selfish reasons. If the reason is not selfish and you are doing it for the best of your kids then it is not abandonment to me. It is being unselfish and wanting the best for your kids.
I would rather a drug addict give up her kids to foster care then keep them with her and not take care of them.
~Carrie | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 4:14:02 PM | i cannot understand the woman who do abandoned their kids, maybe they cant cope ?however i have seen some woman who neglect thier kids .but neglect can mean lots of issues ( as i am a good parent i adore my child) some men can feel neglected my woman who have children. so it good to hear your support . | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 4:33:17 PM | | I would have to hear the story however typically I would NOT date someone who abandoned their kids. It always strikes me odd when women do not have custody of their kids. For men to abandon them it's more common but certainly NOT ok. Some people simply were not made to be parents. Sad but true. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 4:41:55 PM | No I would not date someone who is not active in his childrens lives....nor will I date someone that is not current on his child support--I figure he has kids to pay for before thinking about dating me/spending money on dinners etc... | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:27:09 PM | I don't think anyone period who abandons their kids without a life threatning cause is worthy of ANYONES time. Being a mohter, my child will always come first before anyone else. If the girls you are talking to have no time for their child they will never have any time for you or anyone else except themselves.
As for your comment "guy that has kids but don't take the time to get to know them, or worst yet don't even bother to pay child support?." I would have chosen a guy who didn't pay support over a guy who completely has no access to my daughter. As much as it is hard financial, there are more important things in life.
Sorry if these comments Tick anyone off but they are my opinions. I have alot of personal experiences in this area and would not tolerate that nonsence. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:53:37 PM | Well firstly I must state I am not parent just for the record. On reading the question posed the answer is no I wouldnt on first glance but then I took time to think about it and related it to people I know.
My dad (god rest his soul) was married had a child and we're talking over 50 years ago and it was made impossible for him to see his child and then when my dad died my mum met someone one else after a few years and same kind of situation had happened to him hes now my stepdad and an amazin family man.
I lived with a guy with 3 children that faught to see his kids and chatted to a guy of here that the woman vanished with his child and he couldnt find them. Its not always cut and dry and its up to you that when you meet people you make of them what you will x
As for sperm doners dont forget women can play trickery too. Yes it takes 2 , to make a baby but my friend was in a commited relationship living with someone who didnt want kids and she was on the pill as agreed for years and decided no more she wanted a baby. Her partner felt betrayed and left competely when she got pregnant. Didnt want to see the child or pay for it. She had tricked him.
Life isnt always black and white I guess x | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:41:13 PM | YOU SAID:
If a woman has no room in her life for her kids, what chance do i have?.
____________
???
funny but I don't see things like that at all.... women who choose not to have kids, will have better jobs and... more time for me ;)
I feel your basing way, way too much on a persons relationship with their kids, and women who choose not to have them is of poor moral character... phooey to all that and that line of thinking.
besides that, if 2 women were equal in all ways except one had kids and one didn't... my preference would be for the one with no ( baggage) kids. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:16:59 PM |
I feel your basing way, way too much on a persons relationship with their kids, and women who choose not to have them is of poor moral character... phooey to all that and that line of thinking
funny but I don't see things like that at all.... women who choose not to have kids, will have better jobs and.
I think you are in the wrong thread...
this thread has nothing to do with women that don't want children....
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:04:12 AM | | well actually if he does't have to pay any child support that is a good thing he can spend more of his time and money on me.............. see i am a very selfish person but at least i am honest | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:29:48 AM | Cannot speak for other mothers but my child really got the best out of me.
When I was a teenager, I was never asked to babysit or look after older kids. I suppose our neighbours noticed that I just was not into copying mums and pretending ...
When I met the ex, we both agreed that having kids or not was not an issue. But we were blessed and lucky to have a wonderful boy that changed my life for ever. Although now a teenager, there is no way I would put someone else ahead of him, let desert him. The feelings that were born with his arrival into this world are beyond description.
I find it hard to understand how someone could abandon their children. But that non-bonding occasionally can be found in the animal world too.  | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:45:10 AM | | Abandonment is different from being unable to be with your kids. Whatever the circumstances, the parent should be keeping in contact as much as possible to let the children know they are cherished. This does not constitute abandonment in my eyes. What does, is when the parent just ignores the child, wherever they may be. That kind of a person I would NEVER get with on a serious basis. Abandonment really effects the child in a major way, and usually creates huge issues w/ their adult relationships. Anyone who hasn't kept in contact should drop everything and let them know you are proud of them. It really matters. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:15:44 PM | | I'm sorry, just had to say I'm in AWE of this forum. Keeping, or giving up, or having them taken, is all so very personal. No one situation is the same as the other, and I don't see how an issue as complex as this one could ever have a simple answer. Good luck to all of you who choose to try! | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:21:43 PM | | my mother never met her biological father. he paid child support but NEVER even attempted to see her once in his life. how sad is that? oh and when he heard that my grandmother was pregnant with my mother, he wanted her to get an abortion. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:25:38 PM | As other people have said, it would depend entirely on the situation.
I would prefer, if I date someone who has kids, to know that they're involved in their children's lives. I'd prefer to date someone with no kids at all, but we don't always get a say when that perfect person comes along :)
If I found someone who had kids and no contact with those kids? It would really depend on the reasons why. I know a lot of times that fathers are not given the opportunity to raise their own kids and some vindictive mothers will do anything in their power to prevent the dads from getting involved. Not to say that some fathers don't do the same thing, but the system really is biased in the mothers' favour as far as custody goes. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:27:40 PM | | I lived in australia, had a great job, nice house, swimming pool, cars, Harley, great friends, lovely weather. When i got seperated and my irish wife wanted to return to belfast and take our 4 year old son with her, i didnt even have to think about what to do. I gave up everything and came to northern ireland to be with my son. Sure i could have fought it and kept him in oz with me, but i didnt want him to miss out on having his mum around either. I soooo miss australia and the lifestyle i had there but id rather miss the sun than miss my son. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:39:50 PM | | No, I wouldn't date someone who's abandoned their child/children. Nor would I remain involved with someone who b*tched constantly about having to pay their child support. And the same goes for a guy who thinks he's "done his part, being a Dad" just because he sends his child's Mom a cheque every month. It takes a lot more to be a parent than just stroking a cheque or a few visits each year to 'play the part.' | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:46:01 PM | | No. I would never become involved with someone that'd abandoned their children. After that fact, I'd have to judge each individual on a 'case by case' basis, because not all situations are created equal. | |
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| would you date someone that has abandoned their kids?
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:15:04 AM |
" Abandonment is different from being unable to be with your kids"
Exactly my point, But some posters have a hard time wrapping their heads around that fact for some odd reason.
I'm thinking, after reading all the responses, that the women that are confusing
"abandonment" with "letting go with love" are doing so because of how society has pegged them.
Or how they're viewing themselves..... which in my mind is quite detrimental to their own
self love.
Yes, women do let go of their children from time to time to give a child a better advantage.
This selfless act is NOT abandonment!!
A person who willingly and knowingly gives up a child WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE
CHILD is an abandoner.
I would never date a man that had no love for his children. That to me shows me that he's
not capable of loving, period. | |
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