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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How soon is too soon for a second date?      Home login  
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 Bookrat
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 51
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How soon is too soon for a second date?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
PretaPorter wrote:

Many guys would change their mind even if they liked the girl if she called them first and say no they didn't want to see her again. Or if they didnt, they would say yes but a subtle change of attitude would take place. They would stop the pursuit. They would become nonchalent and complacent. They would start taking her for granted and never call her at all. All because the girl phoned him to ask if he wanted to see her again!

Then perhaps they aren't people worth being with in the first place, if their masculinity or self-image is so threatened by something as simple as being told that their company was enjoyable.


By taking control of the situation and calling a man to ask him if he wants to see her again, she is actually doing the opposite of what she wants to achieve.

I guess it depends on the objective. If she is out to get this guy, only this guy, and nobody BUT this guy... then she needs to tailor her approach to him specifically. If she is out to find someone whose personality is a match for hers, then she needs to be who she is and find someone who will appreciate a woman that isn't afraid to speak up for herself.

If she's not into head-games (e.g. pretending to lock your keys in the car and feigning helplessness? WTF?) coquettishness, and the 'I let him chase me until I caught him', then I think that's a GOOD thing... and so will lots of other guys. If this guy isn't one of them, then she is better to find that out sooner than later.

So... yeah, do what you did OP. It sounds like you were honest and up front with him; you let him know that you enjoyed yourself, and would be willing to do it again... and you even made the first move, because that's who you are. If he runs from that... then he's not worth chasing.
 PretaPorter
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 52
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How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:12:53 PM
Sorry - I was assuming it might be a budding romance ... or not.
 Paprikash!
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 53
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:40:20 PM
I would think in the next few days after the first date - give him a call. Why wait. If he's not interested - no harm done, except to our egos, right?
 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 54
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:16:10 PM
If 2 people liked each other, then you could call him or her the next day to set up another date. I don't see why there needs to be any dating rules such as "wait for 3 days after the first date to call the other person".
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 55
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:16:12 PM
I met with a POF guy last night and things went really well. I suggested next time I buy some drinks to (jokingly) even things out...obviously he bought them.
I must have missed this memo. Why is this obvious? Do you often say things you don't mean? That sounds disingenuous.

Anyway in a nut shell there was no suggestion from him that he would like to meet up again and I dont know when is the right time to as...or do I ask? I really like him so I dont want to mess things up by looking like I'm a stalker!
I'm not sure why a woman who is interested in a guy who is not approaching her after a 1st date would be considered a stalker. If a woman isn't being asked out a 2nd time and she wants to go out again, what's the harm in her inviting the guy out?

If she did call and he said 'yes' just because she pressed him, then he might bottle out, or reluctantly turn up, and give her heart-ache further down the line. Men don't like being cajoled.
Sadly, he's equally likely to behave the same way if he was the one doing the "cajoling".

This was my first thought as well... but maybe just say "let me know when you'd like to get together again..." and leave it at that.
This seems perfectly reasonable.

I wouldn't contact him. Give him some space to think about you and whether he wants another date. If he really likes you he will call.
If the guy likes reciprocative relationships, adopting this strategy would fail even if he really liked the OP; he'd be dating the woman who took initiative.

My honest to goodness answer has to be - You posted this on the site that you met this guy on.
Great point.

This is just me, but I don't call until 2-3 days afterwards. Even if you think you both connected this might not be true with the other person. Calling immediately, shows a needy, clingy and desperate personality that needs instant affirmation.
I can't see how it's "clingy" if you call once the next day if they are someone who you want to talk to. Calling them repeatedly when they show disinterest is being clingy.

Many guys would change their mind even if they liked the girl if she called them first and say no they didn't want to see her again. Or if they didnt, they would say yes but a subtle change of attitude would take place. They would stop the pursuit.
Not really; I'm not interested in senseless pursuing a woman, I like reciprocative relationships, lots of other guys appreciate a woman's capability to reciprocate.

By taking control of the situation and calling a man to ask him if he wants to see her again, she is actually doing the opposite of what she wants to achieve.
You need to date the three-day phone call rule guy.
 Yoiu
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 56
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:11:25 PM
Personally, I find myself a little bit wary of anyone who wants to see me less than twenty four hours later -this pattern can turn into a six year bad relationship with utterly NO SPACE. However, that being said, if a guy never calls me within the next day or so I become doubtful that he has had any earth shattering revelations about US per se... NOT that anyone should necessarily LOVE me right away -but if he is caught up in NOTHING -then why waste our time?
All of that is just reflecting upon how I feel about this sort of thing right now, of course.

Really?
Intuition is what you need to use.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 57
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:26:42 AM

Golly, I wish we'd hear from more guys on this...I can't help wondering what actually DOES go on in their minds in a case like this.


My thoughts as a guy.. If I were on that date,, and felt chemistry,, That same night I would suggest seeing her again, If I didn't feel anything..The date would have ended at some point, and would have said thank you,, I don't I want to do this again,, in a polite way,, But either way, the following day, either a phone call, or email, I would assume I had her number,, So I would call and say thank you for last night,, good or bad..

It's not rocket science,, either you and him had a good time or not,, I really think two people can tell,, Now I wasn't there,, but,, body language, eye contact,,how much laughter was present through out the evening,, was he attentive to you and you to him,, I shake my head sometimes,, how so many need opinions on basic instinct,, Yet we shouldn't assume either,, Did you look into his eyes,, were they glazed over,, or did they sparkle as you looked into them,, was time at a stand sill,, or was it OMG,, where did the night go,, did he complement you,.......there is so much to listen to,, to notice,, were your bodies leaning towards each other,, or apart,, as in keep your distance..were there slight touches on the arm or hand.. on the same note OP.... how were you projecting your self?? either way.. as a man I would do what I first stated...

I really on put my comment on because of the word,,, Golly,, I just laughed..

Good luck,, Oh,, It might be a little late now,, however,, next time you could send a email,, just stating you had a nice time,and thank him, and offer your number, even though he my already have it,, it's a way of saying,, hey I wouldn't mind doing this again..
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 58
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How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:27:33 PM
I think two people who want something will find a way to make it happen. They will communicate and try to get past confused signals we all send one another. So there is not time limit except that one should not push things. You might not have your second date right away, but at least you will determine whether one is coming round.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 59
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:57:59 AM

If you do not hear back from the young man in question, it means he is not interested.
Or he's confused because he has had senseless experiences with flirty women who were disingenuous with their flirting, and the guy doesn't assume a woman flirting with him is actually interested. One shouldn't assume.

You can ask, but chances are you'll just get an excuse for a "no".
Or perhaps understand the guy might be just a bit jaded because he's received similar "no" excuses from the disingenuous women who flirted with him. A lady might adopt a positive attitude instead of expecting failure. You seem to expect the guy to have a positive attitude regarding his interpretation of your flirting, right? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 60
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:00:38 AM

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

This is true... if you find yourself feeling confused, it is a very real possibility that he is as well.
 giggleparts
Joined: 10/23/2004
Msg: 61
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:43:19 AM
I actually try to have a second date right then and there. It saves time and money... sort of like buying toilet paper in bulk at sams club. Not only is this economical, but it usually doesn't require a membership fee.
 Maccys
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 62
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:46:20 PM
you have to wait at least a week , two weeks is too long
 pbaby21
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 63
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:37:02 PM
Won't he see this post dear? That would be a sign of a stalker by posting this (IMO). I say a 2nd date should happen within a week. A call should happen within 3 days. Anything beyond that is just silly nonsense you don't need.
 Chagal116
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 64
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How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:13:34 AM
Missy,
If that man didn't make the second date towards the end of the first one he's not going to ! Don't call him ! If he's interested at all he will call or write to you. Don't hold your breath and continue to date others.......I still believe the only way you know for sure if a man is interested in you is when he pursues you....its genetics
 BostonRN84
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 65
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:59:48 PM
I agree, men need to chase you and if they don't then they are just plain lazy and who wants to date a LAZY guy? I haven't met anyone of POF yet, but this was a Myspace encounter, a 28 year old paramedic and I'm a 24 year old nurse so naturally we hit it off right away with the healthcare profession connection and could have an appreciation for each other. So we talked via texting and Iming for over a solid month before he started saying things like "when can you come out and play?" and to my amazement, a week before the proposed meeting he asked "So are we still on?" I figured I'd have to remind him 2 days before, lol. May 18th was the mutual day we picked to meet (ironically the same date as my parents' first date over 32 years ago haha), yet he kept calling it a date. He finally "upgraded" to a phone conversation a week before we met but that was the only time I've had a phone conversation with him and he said "I only like to text, I hate talking on the phone." He flirted A LOT with me, my inbox full of texts and over 20 photos of him. He sure did a great job luring me in, but being single for 3 months now, him 8 months as he told me I was looking forward to this "date."

We had a great time and he has a really good sense of humor, we both laughed a lot through out the night, started hitting it off in conversation that the waitress had to come back severel times to take our order haha. Of course he paid and we ended up staying for the trivia nite and afterwards he took me to his house to show me where he lives and meet HIS PARENTS on the first date??? He lives with them though but he'd be a wise ass and said outloud in front of his mom for me to say "Hi Mom." His parents were very nice especially his mom and I hit it off in conversation as she's a nurse too. But something tells me, he may do this a lot with his dates.... Afterwards, he took me "midnight fishing" where he tried teaching me how to fish and we just sat at the lake cuddling and holding hands under the moonlight. Very romantic. We were out from 6pm-1:30am the next morning and parted with a very affectionate hug, no kiss which I respected considering this was the first time we ever met. He kept saying "I had a fantastic time, what did you think for a 1st date?" Of course though never said anything about a 2nd date and was clever with his words, not saying yes or no..... As I was driving home he texted me this "Have a safe drive home, good nite. I had a really good time with you tonight." I texted back that I did too and would talk to him soon.

Well 2 days post date, it was like he went under a rock and I never heard from him, ALL those texting and photos drastically stopped. I was making myself crazy and didn't want to be the "wait by the phone type" so I thought what the hell, this is the only way I'm going to know if he wants to see me again or not so I texted him "Hey you, just wanted to say keep thinking about what a great time I had with you Sunday and would like to see you again, go daytime fishing like you said :-)" He immediately texted back sort of as if he was waiting to hear from me and said "Daytime fishing is so much better, I promise. We will have to do it again soon." Fat chance. Whenever he is online and I am, he hasn't once even extended me the courtesy of a hi. His fingers aren't broken, can't say hi to me like before? Well if he can't take a second to even say hi to me, why would I waste my time to extend the courtesy of talking to him because it's clear I am not his priority right now. I get it. He' was all talk and definitely has his options open as should I because right now I'm just an option to him and he's probably seeing if someone better comes along. It was one date, not exlcusive to each other even if it was a good date.

True, I enjoyed the date very much, perhaps too much because I forgot how geniue and fun a date can be when in my last relationship, my ex never took me out and didn't know how to treat a lady. My date clearly had fun too but right now it sounds like "he's just not that into me" like the book by Greg Behrendt says. Which is fine, but I won't be surprised if after a few months, he'll come out of the woodwork after he hasn't had any luck dating and pay attention to me and realize how great I really am. Well hopefully I'll be happily dating someone else who isn't uncertain about what he wants. Ladies, never put all your eggs in one basket. "What's meant to be, will be."
 PoeticBliss
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 66
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:00:23 PM
Oh I hate all the "anxious pangs of insecurity" that follow ... often times I feel why should I bother with a man if he makes me feel that insecure and leaves me hanging on the first date??? I dont mind a little bit of the "hard to get" which builds excitement and tension, and sure you want to have some caution in the early stages of dating, but too much is flat out exhausting!
I used to get all wired up about a man-- and now I just dont care that much to let it bother me the way it used to -- call it being age 42 and having been around the block enough to know that there are LOTS of awesome men out there ... too easy to get hooked on one and think he's the one --- that can often just be hormones and a drive to mate talking instead
of the mind and heart ... learn to listen closer to your intuitions ... and learn to honor yourself more!
 clorin
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 67
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How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:04:36 PM
The same day is to soon for date 2!! but to be serious, you might be leaving yourself to open. Some guys like the thrill of the hunt. Pretty much tell the guy you had a nice time.... and let him control it from there... most guys like this route. I personally like women to be a little more out going, you want a second date... tell me when.
 donaldburch888
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 68
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:55:48 AM
Kitten, I can't agree with you more ! Guys do have insecurities, which many women choose to be blind to.

My own pet peeve is that guys take most of the emotional risks with asking a girl out, trying to guess what she will like, and how to impress her, whether to try a kiss, and a thousand other things - any one of which (or the absense of) can result in being given the cold shoulder until you get the hint.


Missy, I think you did the right thing by texting. And he is showing interest, which is a good sign. He could be shy, maybe thinking you are too good for him. He might even be so keen on you that he's terrified of seeming too eager or of being rejected. Could be that the timing is not good for him at the moment. Maybe some other reason he's holding back.

But he wouldn't continue texting you several times if he doesn't like you. So ... you could continue texting with him until he plucks up courage; you could confront him "are you going to ask me out again?"; or you could stop replying to him, and hope he does not "get the hint".

Missy, how much do you like this guy ? Enough for you to ask him out ? Of course then you have the risk of being turned down and rejected.
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 69
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 6/17/2008 5:03:48 AM
Sometimes that first date never ends
 Ear to hear
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 70
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:03:22 AM
Hey girl..sounds like ya had fun!Dont rush it..if its ment to be he will ask but theres no harm in a little sugestion or two if your interested...if he passes the buck you will know hes not worth it...and to move on.Good luck!...
 dsmith901
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 71
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 12/2/2011 2:20:25 PM
The exact type of games that make us not have a lot of respect for women.
 top_hill
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 72
How soon is too soon for a second date?
Posted: 12/2/2011 7:00:23 PM
I know the OP is long gone. But in this situation, there is nothing wrong with a woman calling a man and asking him out on another date or at the very least, send a text or email message stating that she enjoyed the date. Put the ball in his court and see what his response is.
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