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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:28:23 PM | Its a simple answer to a complex question---but, basically men are PHYSICAL beings, women are EMOTIONAL beings. Its not that they stop having feelings so quickly, its that they take a while to feel anything other than a physical/visual reaction to a woman. Its not their fault, they are programmed that way. And, the media, marketing, sales world feeds into this---look at commercials geared towards men- usually half naked, beautiful women----not women who show their emotions! Men usually fear this type of female, so as hard as it may be--women should withhold their emotions at first.
Easier said than done. I am woman, I should know:) | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:43:54 PM | | I smypathize with you and what you're going through. I myself went through the very same thing recently. Two people in love and suddenly it was finished. Men are basically boys in grown up bodies. They have to appear strong without showing emotion. I've never been able to figure that one out. More than likely he may be embarrassed and not quite sure what to do so he DOES NOTHING. He will go to his man cave and hide out, in matter of speaking, and more than likely he will contact you again in the future. Hold your head up and keep remembering what a treasure you are. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:51:30 PM | I would say "BULL" to that, I have never said "I love you " to get into bed with someone, and as far as getting it wrong, and being out of the water, my wife treats me that way, I did everything a Man could do for a Woman, moved far from home, gave up my comfortable life, my house, my well paying job to move here and be with Her and hers, married Her, lost a Baby with Her,,,,, watched helplessly as my/our dreams faded, wondering if she ever truly loved me in the first place? I live with this heartache daily, and wonder if I should keep trying? she has been caught in more than one lie to me, I dont know what to believe anymore, ,,, | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:02:47 PM | Nuts.
As a man who has been to all male schools, served in the Army and played various sports with men I can say I have met many men. You have rounded up all the losers.
I had a breakup that hurt. For awhile I didn't care if I took another breath.
I spoke to NO ONE about it and wept alone.
Only after some weeks and months did some friends asked what happened. I responded vaguely and shed no tears in their presence.
Showing a manly face to the world is not always easy. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:08:40 PM | | One more ie: he may realize though what was said between the two of you, that in the long term he may not be the one for you. If he chooses to cut and run that quickly you wouldn't want to go through that time and time again. Oh the sweet beginnings of romance, it's everlasting sweetness lingers. If it's meant to be it will, otherwise, know your worthiness and try to develope new relationships. It's all a learning process and one day it will all make sense. Best of luck to you. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:17:07 PM | Not picking on you in particular modelcher, you just happen to hit on a couple of prime points.
Men are basically boys in grown up bodies.
As long as there are womenn who believe this and they get other women to believe it the "Broken Hearts" forums will have a thriving business.
I've never been able to figure that one out.
Now that rings true.
Hold your head up and keep remembering what a treasure you are.
When you hold your self out as being more valuable than the one you are seeking then you have already placed them on a lower rung.
I am a Dom, some people here have an idea what that means, I consider my Subbie to be the most important person in the world. Her needs, her protection and her well being are at the top of my list of priorities. I consider her a treasure.
If more people considered their SO a treasure there would be a lot more happy couples about. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:34:29 PM | | First off, if we do the breaking off, it doesn't hurt much. Question: when you break it off with a guy, it doesn't hurt you, does it? It depends who ends the relationship. Men do hurt, but we are raised no to show it and to move on, and never look back. By the way, I was raised by a woman..my mother...and she taught me that. Good luck. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:44:31 AM | why do women continue to spout the sort of crap like in your 1st sentance .
the fact is most women think with their brains . not their hearts . how many super models are in a meaning full relationship with a" dustman" come on please cut some of the crap.
when i was house sitting for a fabously rich guy who was abroad I had cart blanch of his mansion with all the extras and 6 very expensive cars .
in one week i got 63 phone numbers driving his red sport car from stuning women just by asking them to check if my rear indcater light was working . and then saying hey may i take you out for lunch............. how many do you think i would have got if i would have been in my red fiesta????
now i suppose you are going to say not all women are after a rich man that old chestnut
well ok must be thousands of good women who are activly ONLY after a man who lives in a top floor council flat whos only 6 months behind in his rent.
COME ON | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:52:15 AM | | It doesn't have anything to do with just men. Remember that the brightest stars burn out the quickest. Certain things cannot be rushed, when you intercede the rate at which something is supposed to happen you alter it, not always in a good way. Think about how quick somethings happen. How much do you have invested in a short time? Not much. If you were with someone for a long time, its really much harder to walk away there is history there. It is no wonder they say that patience is a virtue. On the other hand maybe this guy was just unstable. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:58:32 AM |
How can a man tell you one day he cares for you or loves you and then the next day you have an argument, break up and they completely lose all feelings they had? Or is it they just do not show them. Are break ups really that easy for men? How is it so easy for them to forget you and move on?
Men can seperate emotional attachment from sex, which is the root of the problem. Most women, and a few men, require a huge emotional attachment to become sexually involved. So if you have abreak up early in a relationship, guys tend to be less emotionally involved/attached, so it is easier to move on. It's easier to move on, than to put in the work effort to make the current situation work. as the saying goes "plenty of fish in the sea". | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:04:57 AM |
If you still have any feelings for an ex, love OR hate, you are not over them. When your meter is at zero - you are free.
I like that. That is very true, i have an ex gf who i STILL hate and avoid at all costs. she hurt me bad, f*ed some guy while we went out (I was young so that was new to me) well apparently that happens all the time in this world. A very J. D. Salinger view on life i guess heh. I think I am the way I am today from her, and then there forward. I am very disclosed with women and have some trust issues.
I can walk by some of my other exes no problem , and even talk to them. We are fine.
ANSWER TO EVERYTHING Since I am a guy, and mostly we hear girls OPINIONS (thats what they are, Im going to say only the men can actually answer this MAN question) i am going to answer most of this. I agree that I think if the guy does the breaking up, it can be easier, because there is no shock factor. He did it, so he saw it coming (unless you are crazy/split personality). I think if a guy can just shut the girl out and not think about her it makes it easier.
But REMIND HIM OF ANTHING FROM THE PAST that the couple did and his hurt will return. As long as he avoids the girl its easy I assume (out of sight out of mind?). But walk into that girl relatively too soon and all those feelings will come crawling back.
I say this because I seem to be over my last girlfriend; I say this now but when I ran into her i felt all my feelings com crashing back, and i started thinking about everything we did in the past. Its sad but you do have to just get rid of anything that is hers or reminds you of her. I dunno thats my (long) theory.
Let me know what you guys think. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:14:28 AM | I dont think men are really much different from women in that respect. Think about it, we as women can be madly in love with a man one day and then from no where decide well hes just not the one for me. Ive been on both sides of that fence and it sucks when you are the one getting dumped on. Men do have a harder time showing their emmotions because its instilled in them to be men!!! Having just went through this very thing recently, I know that it was not easy for the other party and even harder for me. I still love them but they dont love me. And now I can say I miss them far more than I ever loved them!!!! | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:37:24 AM | | I read somewhere that when a man says he loves you, especially early on in a relationship, what he really means is that he wants to have sex with you. I think some people are just able to say, I love you easier then others and there isn't a lot of true emotion behind the words. I also believe men and women show their emotions differently and protect themselves emotionally in different ways. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:28:55 PM | | When it starts getting difficult, when it starts to feel like work, like too much work, then they think that they cannot support you and work outside the home. When they see you, it needs to be fun and pleasurable, and they also need down time,and alone time. When they work during the day, they are looking forward to being with someone who is EASY. This way you are marriage material, because they feel you have something to add to their world. When the going gets tough.... they RUN FOR THE HILLS... and do you blame them? | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:36:42 PM | What Hail1 said: [Some men play games and tell you exactly what you want t hear.
It's hard when you really like someone and have nothing to hide.
The best thing any woman can do is really get to know someone without being intimate and you will see them for who they are a lot quicker and will be stronger in the long run. Let them talk about themselves and don't be too inclined to tell them a lot about yourself in the beginning.]
I wish I had your advice before I got into my last relationship. Instead I went into it with an open heart. Something I have not done in 15 years. Was honest with my intentions and feelings. Well you know what they say, "no good deed goes unpunished".
Reason why it has been 15 years is because I was engaged in my early 20's. To make a long story short, we broke up and it took me about 8 years, 4 thearapists and a year on prozac/wellbutrin to get myself back together. My ex-fiance nearly destroyed me.
So, I took a chance after 15 years. Thank good-ness the relationship did'nt go on as long as my past engagement and I know I'm stronger now mentally but I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to learn from my recent break-up. And at my age what lesson do I have to learn from this? As I've been without a relationship for a few years now then I meet someone wonderful and it ends? Especially since it was someone I knew from long ago in the past and we had a good freindship then and come across him again by fate and we have so much in common and such a connection on all levels that I did'nt even have with my ex-fiance. I'm either cursed or have somehow angered the gods or something. I just don't get it. Just a really cruel joke fate played on me...
But then again as I was talking to a freind recently, I've gotten everything I've ever set my mind to. Worked hard for it. My life is complete. Don't really have a want or need for anything. Just always had bad luck when looking for true love. Just want someone to love who'll love me back and to share my life with. Someone to share my joys with.
She told me that's my problem. Too many toads out there and not enough princes..
But my last was a prince, he just thinks he's a toad....C'est Dommage.
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nwntwn
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 320 | |
| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:26:22 PM | women do the same sort of thing. Take me for example, I was engaged to a woman in
Seattle, we were 75% done with the immagration process and had been together two years. And then one day *bamm* I find out she's been sleeping with and essantially living with another man down there telling him that she loved him too. As I demanded an explanation I got none, she turned me off like a faucet. I've been devasted . I think it all has to do with someone's integrity, maturity, and general sense of wanting to be good person. Who knows I'm still blown away. Two years gone and she's with him and I'm left trying to figure out who I am to deserve this. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:15:59 PM | Men??? Stop having feelings???
Check out todays news.
TAIPEI (Reuters) - A Taiwan man grieving over the death of his girlfriend climbed inside a morgue freezer to be with her and was only pulled out alive half an hour later, media and an official said on Tuesday.
The 41-year-old man was discovered on Monday when workers detected an unusually high temperature in the freezer and realized the hatch was not securely fastened.
The man took a drug before entering the freezer to speed what appeared to be suicide attempt, local papers said. They said his girlfriend died on Friday from an overdose of sleeping pills. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:09:18 PM | I was with the ex for 15year,s never one played up on her loved the ground she walked on...It started going down the hill when the sex life started to decay (one,s or twiss a week to lucky to have sex twiss a month). when we split it took three days for her to move in with her new man...well i did go off tryed to kill myself ...hit the piss...and drugs hard...got locked up smashed in doors even got lock up in a syk hospitol...
then one day i just snap back into gear and tuffend up...yes she got half of every thing ...and i found out she had been seeing this man for five years behined my back...so you ask how men can stop having feeling so quickly.....well its go easey for me....i dont make the frist move anymore if a women is fat i tell her to **** off...i have lost intest...since then with was only 18month to two years ago i have started my own business and to me thats all that counts...payed all my fines and repaired every thing i broke.....now im back on track....so here my reply ladies if a man loses feeling so quick it was,nt ment to be.....or if the sex is over in two min,s....maybe you should look a bit harder in the mirra.....i realy don,t like conflick....you now in 15years we had two agument...she won both...i dont give a fu...k any more | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:14:36 PM | | To crayonzz. I have read many of your replies on various forums sir and YOU have a serious chip on your shoulder. Get some therapy. Even after my experience i do not hate men and i don't hate my ex. | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:34:19 PM | To all and OP, I have read nearly all the posts and think that the general consensus is that the Subject probably should have been phrased, "How can some people stop having feelings so quickly?"
There have been a lot of very good insights posted. One talked about actions being the truth of it, as we want to believe the words especially in the beginning, we women and some men also think too much "does s/he like/love me?" and not of "who is this person really and do I really like/love him/her?" Our focus is not in the right place generally speaking, but that way of thinking colors our interactions, we do not appear confident- which is very unattractive, and appear too needy which is why the opposite sex might bolt when things start getting more serious and people get way too serious way too soon. We women make it too easy for some men who are in the catagory of saying what will get them sex. Sadly if there is no internal conscience, as in sociopaths (one extreme), and others that may be unconscious, lacking self knowledge and insight, most people of both sexes to varying degrees will take and take from us until we say stop, or the other person asserts their needs and it becomes a take and give relationship. Sad but true, it is true of human nature in general. And they may not be in it because they feel the same way we do - yes he (or she) may just be not that into you (as the title of the book says) .
The book "Why Men love ****es" is actually about women not letting themselves be taken advantage of and being a bit smarter in relationships more than actually being ****es. (controversial titles sell more books) A lot of people say they don't want to play games, etc. so they just give everything from the beginning and have set themselves up to be played. It's not about playing games really, it is about thinking more clearly, the balance of head and heart. Accepting a few not so wonderful facts about human nature. To use our heads, and have objectivity we do need to slow down and look at what we are getting into and not think we are going to change this or that about the person but see them the way they really are in life. Dating and beginning a relationship is a very good time to be in therapy by the way, especially if you have patterns in your past that you wish to break. And while I am on this rant, people don't know how to date and build a relationship, but that's another subject.
After 6 months of dating someone we have barely scratched the surface of who they really are. As one poster said "slow down" and delay sex. If they are in it for sex, when it doesn't happen soon they will lose interest and leave, so that is how we can eliminate that element.
Another good insight is who is the one doing the breaking up? They generally have an easier time of it because they have processed their feelings more by the time the breakup happened. I have observed that some people, probably women a bit more, once they commit feel they must have a very good big reason in order to leave a relationship. They often try everything twice before giving up, checking all the boxes on their list of things to try to save a relationship. Yes that is the nature of commitment and it may be a subtle reason not so obvious, like they do not love this person anymore, or who this person has become once they let themselves see more objectively. The fact is either partner can leave because they want to, are not happy and may not even know the reasons why.
The whole going too fast thing also complicates breakups. As I said above we have barely scratched the surface at six months. As we see from some of the posts, people get married, engaged, move in together, mix finances, social lives, children before six months and before they can possibly know this person well enough. One therapist wrote that he believed the couple should wait two years before marrying. I agree. There are also stages that couplehood go through. And a big one usually occurs between 18 and 24 months. The pheromones and hormones that have been fired up during courtship and sex wear off and the masks come off. And yes both sexes experience the brain chemicals of bonding during sex. For men it is the strongest right before orgasm. For women it is after sex and triggered by it. Interesting difference? Sex skews our objectivity, we need both head and heart in making decisions about who we will be with.
For OP and others with similar circumstances, there is no closure so that allows the mind to run amok and over analyze and blame herself, because there was never a breakup talk. It is a torture of its own. And some people can't verbalize it nor have enough insight into themselves to explain it to someone else so even if there is a breakup closure talk it may not make any sense.
BTW I am a therapist and I enjoy reading the posts from time to time. This is the first time I have posted. Yeah its a long one, hope it was worth the read.
Here is an article that you might like to read.... this link will take you to the website thepsycheinpsychology.org then click on "The Tao of Relationships". | |
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| How can men stop having feelings so quickly?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:01:37 PM | | This is not to sound cruel or crass, but what you are describing sounds to me like he quite possibly met someone else he was more interested in. This kind of behavior is certainly not exclusive to men. What I can tell you is that, as a man, we hurt just like anyone else does when a relationship ends. In fact, I was basically right where you are not long ago but in the reverse situation. My ex- girlfriend broke it off with me a couple months ago and I could barely sleep or eat for a few weeks. As difficult as it may seem, you should probably do yourself a favor by writing this guy off permanently and pursuing that which makes you happy. | |
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