|
|
|
|
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:36:11 PM | Here are a few non-emotional reasons:
1. Considering the cost of providing for a child, and given the cost of paying back college loans, for example, it's a non-starter for most sharp men;
2. Cases abound where a woman with a child who bonded with her boyfriend took the case to court when he broke off the relationship...and the court awarded her child support or the like;
3. Increasingly, men are strugglng to find good-paying jobs after graduation. It can take a looooooooooong time, so many are not risking financial ruin or overcommitting resources. I think this is a trend that will persist as long as the economy sucks and as long as corporations trade jobs and industry capability for a short-term profit.
4. There are plenty of fish in the dating ocean. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:38:45 PM | | I don't shy away from it, necessarily. It just depends on the person and the circumstances, etc. Definitely not any kind of instant "deal breaker" or anything like that however. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:05:40 PM |
my kids are the greatest blessing that god has given me.
That's your perception; and, you're entitled to it. But, very few guys are going to love your kids the way you do.
ya i dont get to go out and party like most people my age. but thats not even a interest of mine. i have better thing to do with my time and money.
That, too, is fine. But, y0u have no right telling a guy/potential date that HE has to spend HIS time/money on YOUR kids.
Please don't think I'm trying to bash you -- I'm not. But, I don't believe in sugar-coating the truth, either.
Arlo | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:13:06 PM |
I would think that a man would be willing to date anyone with the same interests and compatibilities markers as himself.. the fact that she has an infant would be a plus, IMO,, because you would be able to get to watch the infant grow and delight in the bright mind of a toddler...
You're thinking about this like a woman. (now, before anyone bites my head off, please hear me out)
NO guy gets all gooey and syrupy over kids that are not his from the git-go. I know THIS man approaches situations like that (single mother) with caution: single motherhood is NOT a deal-breaker with me, but it's ABSOLUTELY something that I'd think about really hard for a while...
stay focused....
I agree. Stay focussed on her children, and don't stress over dating right now.
Arlo | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:13:25 PM | OP:
Not everyone wants to raise another mans kids and at your age most guys do not want that kind of responsibilty.
As you get into your mid 20's and 30's and if you try to date men in their mid 20's and 30's you will find many for various reasons do not want to get seriously involved and potential raise another man's children. If yu are just looking for casual dating it might be okay but what if you and/or the guy are looking for a long term romance? Eventually your children will need to be brought into the situation.
Men your age are not being jerks..they are being realistic about what theoir priorities are.
You say that you can go out once or twice per month..that might not be enough for some guys especially ones your age.
If you meet a man in his mid 30's he may be more accepting of your situation.
Why do you call guys jerks for not wanting to date you? It is not what they want. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 4:47:32 PM |
Why do you call guys jerks for not wanting to date you? It is not what they want
That's what I was wondering. So is it just women that are allowed to have standards people have to meet in order to date them?
OP: I'm sure that you are a great person with a lot to offer someone, but a lot of guys in their twenties don't want to date single moms. I don't know why you are mad about that. If they don't want you, why would you want them?
As I've heard women on these boards tell "nice guys", "Just because they don't like you, it doesn't mean that they are bad people. Forget about them and find someone that fits with you. Don't hate people just because they aren't interested in you." | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 5:24:06 PM | Not all of us shy away from women with kids. I have been there a couple of times, but I doubt I would ever try it again unless the circumstances were carefuly evaluated. Rare is the relationship with a single mother that ends well. If the kid ends up liking you then the mother hates you. If the mother likes you then the kids get hurt feelings, and hate you. You get stuck in the middle, and take the blame, and then get the boot. Some rare times it works out, but the reality is more often far different. Especially with older children where daddy is still in the picture. It tends to be a no win gamble.
As to you OP, you clearly lack maturity and that comes across in your posts. Your anger may come from feelings of frustration, or it may come from a piss-poor attitude (the type that a lot of younger women have today in abundance). I hope you eventually find a point where you can be at peace with the world, and not hate men so much.
PS - please do not take small children on horse back. Apart from the risk of what happens when you or them fall, the motion on a horse can do a small child serious damage. Lack of common sense is extremely unappealing in a woman. Yeah thats mean -- but you clearly need to hear it.
 | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:39:32 PM |
As to you OP, you clearly lack maturity and that comes across in your posts. Your anger may come from feelings of frustration, or it may come from a piss-poor attitude (the type that a lot of younger women have today in abundance). I hope you eventually find a point where you can be at peace with the world, and not hate men so much.
PS - please do not take small children on horse back. Apart from the risk of what happens when you or them fall, the motion on a horse can do a small child serious damage. Lack of common sense is extremely unappealing in a woman. Yeah thats mean -- but you clearly need to hear it.
ok first of all who are you to tell me what i should and shouldnt do with my children. they have been around the horses their whole life including while i was pregnant. i dont lack common sense by no means. im just trying to help fulfill my sons love for horses. is that a bad thing? as for the piss poor attitude comment. thats not it at all. it may seem like i am hating on men with some of my recent comments. but given the circumstances i have every right to dislike my ex husband. but that dont mean i hate all men in general. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:41:09 AM |
ok first of all who are you to tell me what i should and shouldnt do with my children. they have been around the horses their whole life including while i was pregnant. i dont lack common sense by no means. im just trying to help fulfill my sons love for horses. is that a bad thing? as for the piss poor attitude comment. thats not it at all. it may seem like i am hating on men with some of my recent comments. but given the circumstances i have every right to dislike my ex husband. but that dont mean i hate all men in general.
If you aren't interested in hearing the answer, but just in arguing against it, WHY do you even bother asking the question? You've already made up your mind WHAT you wanna hear:
Yes, ALL men are TOTAL scum. We all hate kids; all we wanna do is get lucky, then run.
Arlo | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:10:35 AM | Listen. Imagine you are a 20 year old guy who hasnt had any children yet. Your interests include going out and partying, drinking beer, doing stupid stuff, staying up late......normal college behavior. You meet a girl who basically JUST had a baby, got divorced, and is now looking to date. Can you not see this 20 year old shying away from that? He wants to do things you basically cannot do, even if you never wanted to do them in the first place its just not a possibility at all. it sends a single directly too him of this "well the husband left her and now she's looking for a new daddy"
Even if you are not that is exactly what trying to date with an infant is. Thats exactly what most guys who are 20 see and think. heck, most of them wont even have a serious job for crying out loud. With what you've written in this subject i gather you are looking for a "mature man with a job looking to settle down and not go out partying/boozing".........you are looking for that from a freaking 20 year old and expecting basically ANY results?
and again on the whole children are a blessing to you thing. look at it from the outside. they may be the most important thing in your life, but they still would have been in 6 or 7 years when you were actualy mature when you had them, more likely to actually settle with a guy worth settling with, more rooted in your new career so making more money. that kind of stuff. There are zero advantages to having kids as young as you did and tons of humungous disadvantages. being 19 is supposed to be the time you get all the "i cant believe i used to do that" stuff out of the way. it really does build up in you and one day,m whether you believe it or not, you are going to look back and regret missing out on those years somewhat. again im not saying you shouldnt be proud of your children, im telling you that the "i should have two children at 19 thing because my children are a blessing" thing is tiresome to hear, especially when coupled with whining that guys your age don't want to date a new divorcee parent of two, one of which is 4 months old | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:16:55 AM |
I would think that a man would be willing to date anyone with the same interests and compatibilities markers as himself.. the fact that she has an infant would be a plus, IMO,, because you would be able to get to watch the infant grow and delight in the bright mind of a toddler... unless you don't connect,,
Uhhh, there's only one problem with that scenario. The infant is NOT my infant. Therefore, until I 'connect' as you put it, it has no importance to me.
I've dated women with kids before. toddlers, and teens....
To be fair, I've met some ladies with truly great kids. However, they seems to be the exception rather than the rule.
Basic format seems to be that there are the following RULES:
1...No matter how dumb or disturbed the children are, the mothers see them through rose coloured glasses. They can do nothing wrong. Anyone who disagrees is wrong!
2...We are not allowed to have any say in the child's behavour. So, the kids do whatever the heck they want to around us because they know we cannot do anything about it. We cannot discipline them we cannot criticise them. If we criticise the children we run into Rule #1.
3...Sometimes the kids don't want us around. They don't want to respect us. (See Rule #2 again) Heck, in some cases they don't even respect their own mothers, why would they respect us.
4...The mother has probably spent the last few months or years berating her ex, the last MAN in her life or in general to her friends and or in front of her kids. Then they introduce us as a MAN to these kids. See Rule #3.
5...I've seen kids actively try to ruin a relationship. Nothing like the teenager who phones Mommy because he or she 'needs' a ride home, while you're on a dinner date with Mommy and the food has just been put on the table.
6...Frequently Mommy spoils her children to overcompensate for the missing male role model in their life. Anything they want, they get. See Rule #5.
7...Children get in the way. Through no fault of their own. They need a lot of attention and that takes time away from dating. A weekend away has frequently been negated by a kid's soccer or baseball game That they HAVE to attend on a Saturday afternoon. However, the kid frequently misses a game when the kid doesn't want to play or just doesn't feel like it. See Rule #5 again.
8... The children may not like you as much as they like Daddy. They may not like you as much as they like the last guy she dated. It's not your fault. However, women will see this as your fault for not bonding with her children.
9...If you're not trying to bond with her children, you're not trying hard enough. If you try too hard to bond with them, you're likely to be suspected of being a sex predator.
10..The kids come first. That's fine, I don't mind coming in second. However, every once in awhile, it would be nice to be in first place for a little while.
There are some really great mothers out there with great kids. They are a delight to be around. The kids are in school (getting good marks) or grown and working. They are polite and enjoyable to be around.
However, the kids out there that talk back to their parent, skip school and or dropped out, unemployed, Xbox playing couch lumps. They're the ones that think a 2 pm wake up is at the crack of dawn. They are the ones that make us men run the other way.
Us men aren't selfish, nor are we stupid. If we're going to invest time effort and emotion into a relationship, then we're going to look at all aspects of that relationship before we do so. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:23:06 AM |
ok first of all who are you to tell me what i should and shouldnt do with my children. they have been around the horses their whole life including while i was pregnant. i dont lack common sense
Ok... Just what did the kids learn about horses while they were in the womb?????
To me, that doesn't make common sense. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:34:39 AM | Some of you guys are just reading into things too much.Anyone thats been around horses can look at that horse and tell its totally tame and mello and has certainly been around people just by looking at it's body language. The horse looks so mellow to me it looks like you would have to kick/dig your heals in it's flanks to get it to even get to a fast trot. AKA good riding horse for kids or old people like me. Yanno senior citizens. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:11:26 AM | | Extrapolating on your kids' ages it would appear that you were pregnant with the first one at fifteen or sixteen. Okay, teen mistake. Could be forgiven. But a second child by age 19? Yow. Not the matter of kids that's scaring em off, it the pregnant at 16 thing. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:12:23 AM | | Extrapolating on your kids' ages it would appear that you were pregnant with the first one at fifteen or sixteen. Okay, teen mistake. Could be forgiven. But a second child by age 19? Yow. Not the matter of kids that's scaring em off, it the pregnant at 16 thing. Children with children is a tough sell for any guy. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:45:35 AM | it represents, baggage to the worst degree, we like just as much as women to be involved in each other's world no other men, or men, with no threat to us.
The fact you have children, we won't ask but immidiatly means you were serious enough about a guy already to want to have children with the individual. If that's the case their's certainly some other form present
-contact for child services
-visitation rights
-emotional scaring
-all sorts of responsibility, that shouldn't be involved with dating
-the possibility of us ending up with a kid that we might not want
all aren't definits, and are possibilities,
Men are simple we don't like complications, much the same for women, and baggage that can't be left at the airport, (including stds) is a turnoff,
*some more mature men will be comfortable with this, but the other 90% won't see eye to eye. Shallow probably, little of us, definitly... but it's more of where you are in life.
Best wisher
jon | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:53:19 AM | I don't see a woman's kids as "baggage"; I see them as a sign that the woman is probably much more mature and "grown-up" for her age than I am.
I don't date women with kids, but it's not because I see children as a negative thing. They're obviously not. I just know that I'm still more of a "big brother" guy than a "father figure," and I think the dynamic that would create in my relationship with a mother would create problems.
Equating kids to STD's, as the poster above me did, is not typical male thought as far as I know. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:24:41 AM |
I don't see a woman's kids as "baggage"; I see them as a sign that the woman is probably much more mature and "grown-up" for her age than I am
I don't. its a perception thing, I happen to think 19 year olds who have two children normally have the emotional maturity of a sack of potatoes. after the first one, at such a young age, to have another means you have no idea what you are doing with your life. almost noone has the financial means to support two children at that age. and you miss out on a ton of life experience, stuff you will now not be able to pass on to your children. maturity to me doesnt mean popping out another kid when you cant truely support it just because they are cute
The single mom's are more mature, harder working, nicer thing really irritates me. You don't have any moral highground because you got pregnant. Having a baby isnt a miracle, having a baby doesnt instantly transform you from irresponsable teen to mature adult, having a baby doesnt mean you work any harder then me. It means you had a baby, something which has happened i dont know, tens of billions of times? | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:28:25 AM | 
Geezus, I must have been here too long...way too many redundant posts on this subject.
It's pretty simple, OP, most guys in their twenties (or some in their 30's) without kids don't want a ready made family. I know I didn't.
Those of us in our 30's or 40's that already have kids are understanding with regard to what all is involved. A single dad is what you're looking for, hopefully you're as open minded about his kids as you are yours.
Good luck. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:15:11 AM | | its because most guys you problaby date are about your age 19.and most guy that young just got out there parents house and want to live life and dont want to be bogged down with kids and to be honest somebody elses kids.its not a bad thing your still young good looking dont rush anything like have sex to have somebody like you you will find him but while you wait dont get around because it would be ashame if it was not because of your kids but you had alot of partners. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:16:20 PM | Because I have raised my own and am inordinately proud of her: she is bright (two scholarships, 3.92 GPA, is off to grad school), is truly drop dead gorgeous, and has the smile and personality to light up the darkest room.
It took a ton of work from both me and my deceased wife. We also tolerated no gruff from her. She was not allowed to date or have a steady in high school, yet she is engaged to a wonderful guy. With my wife gone, she comes to me with her relationship problems-all of them, because she trusts me and my judgment. I earned that trust as she did mine, no matter how delicate the topic. She did not reach sexual cognizance at 12. I never laid a hand on her, don't believe in it. She jokes about it today, but my warning was "clean up your act, you are getting close to the line, or the consequences will be tragic!" If she did cross the line, I did not hesitate to pull the trigger and have. Once, I confiscated everything near and dear to her and made her make a donation to a local charity. After that, a warning was all that was needed.
She thanks me for it to this day. But we both spent a lot of time with her, did things with her, made her open up her mind, and most importantly, made her realize that for every choice there is a consequence.
My wife and I both sacrificed that all important spontaneity, but made up for it with a lot of dirty weekends.
I watch mothers all the time scream their heads off at their children with no effect, and see kids who are nothing but undisciplined and impolite little tyrants because most parents are too busy or too lazy to raise their children. In the end you cave in, just to shut them up or stuff them full of Ritlin to keep them quiet.
Do you think that I want that kind of problem? Thanks, but no thanks. I am not prepared to make up for what amounts to years of parental neglect.
By your definition, I am a probably a tyrant, but a benevolent one. My method, however, did work. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:20:01 PM |
hi how are you i was just writing whta you had said and sometime i would like to know that as well some of the guys i have chated to over the net or have meet don't won't to know me because i have kids but as i say and see it as if they like you that much it dosen't matter if you have a kid or kids you come as a pack now so why let some little like that get in the way.
hey some of the guys around where i am from and i know likes meetin a women with a kid or kids because they said a girl who has a baby or kids are alot of fun if you no whta i mean so to all the girls who are waiting to fine someone but can't because they so no because you have a kid or kids just tell them it is they loss and someone will come along who will take you and your kidor kidsand so what if you are young so was i when i had my first.
badbabygirl, I don't even know where to start with this one... Is that english? I would guess that the reason you're having trouble is that either you are, or at least appear to be completely illiterate. PLEASE go back to school before even THINKING of having another child or dating.
Now as for the OP, it's simple, the VAST majority of guys your age do not want to have to deal with all of the issues that go along with having kids. Now should they be jerks about it? No. But maybe you're just percieving them that way because they're not telling you what you wanted to hear.
It's been clear from some of the OP's previous posts that she has taken on a very defensive stance. Some folks have been kind of harsh but she also needs to listen a little. What they're really all saying is that you made some decisions. Right or wrong? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that now YOU have to realize that there are consequences to those decisions and one of the negative consequences is that you are going to have a VERY hard time dating anyone for the next few years. I wish you all the luck in the world, but your odds are not that good because of those decisions. Please keep in mind that sometimes, reality, real-life, is not something we want to hear but it doesn't change the fact that it is the reality.
When your kids are much older and more importantly, the guys you want to date are much older, you'll have better chances. For now, I'd say focus on those great kids and just let the dating part happen or not, but don't push it. I think if it happens slowly and spontaneously, you'll have more success. Right now though, unless you want to just jump head-first into a mistake, your dating life is on pause... and it should be. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:57:43 PM | > Equating kids to STD's, as the poster above me did, is not typical male thought as far as I know.
Another guy's kids are worse than an STD. You can get rid of an STD.
I mean, if you're careful to catch the right kind.
You can't legally get rid of a kid unless you can convince the mom that it's in her and her kids' best interests to do so. There was a reason unmarried young women who turned up prego used to be sent off to give birth and then to give the kid up for adoption. And it wasn't just to be MEAN to her.
You can avoid having to deal with another guy's kids the same way you can avoid having to deal with an STD, namely by avoiding those women who have either. Of course, doing the former is way easier because they're less easy for the woman to hide, and she's usually going on and on about them anyway.
So there are some similarities, the most obvious being that they are consequences of the woman's past sexual activity. Having kids carries very longterm consequences, one of these being that the woman who has them is then much less dateable and marriageable. if women can't understand why, they should just accept it the way they do the seasons changing with the passage of time. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 2:10:57 PM | | OP. You are 19 going on 20 and already have 2 kids and wonder why men shy away? You posing that question in itself is reason enough for them to run like a bad out of hell. It does not matter if you were married or not, your a child playing house. And a young man sure as hell do not want to play daddy to someone elses mistakes. | |
|
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:42:40 PM |
why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids? Posted: 5/2/2008 10  01 PM ok the whole thing about not knowing what birth control it was my husband. yes i am divorced but in the end that wasnt my fault. the man was a cheating pig that left me with 2 kids to take care of while his is leading his happy life with the girl he got pregnant with we were still together and not to mension married. so yes i am a single mother of 2 but it wasnt me who didnt try to keep my family together.
Didn't even finish page one before This leapt out at me. Married and divorced with multiple kids before 20? Unless raised by fundamentalist mormons this just screams "poor judgement" and "unrealistic expectations". Sorry if that stings but it is the truth.
Any guy in your age range not wanting to be tied down at that point in his life is NOT being selfish. They are having fun, and working toward establishing themselves for when they can have a family if that is what they choose.
So your situation does suck, but what can you do about it? Just raise your kids for now (they do look very cute btw), and take sometime for personal growth. But expecting potential dates that are just looking for "an easy lay" (since those guys do know the odds won't favour your dating success atm).
And I cannot stress this enough.... remain positive, you do have some good things in your life I'm sure. Well make more, because who finds negativity attractive? | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
