| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:57:56 PM | | hi.. you dont know me soo im gonna level with you... very few men at the age of 27 have kids... im jewish soo at the age of 27 most of my friends have 4 and thats not kidding... but to most men its a burden, its an extra ole and i have 7 younger sybolings so i know how tough it can be... and it may be hard for you to understand, and please understand that by all means your children should be your top priority and if i guess its easy for me to say cause im not you but there are soo many good men who couldnt care less that you have kids and will love you and your children all the same... its like a diamond in the rough bt you find it itll keep you happy as long as you have it... | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:17:02 PM | At 20 I was no where near ready to have a family, or raise a family. I was in college so I made enough for me to get by, but definitely not enough to raise a family. Being a dad was the last thing on my mind. Like most 20 year olds I just dated here and there, partied, whatever. Way too immature to handle kids, mine or otherwise.
I think most guys at that age just aren't looking to settle down.
p.s. you should change your status to divorced, then it would give a bit of insight into things. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:33:07 PM | From experience -
There's too much going on when a woman has children. There's the timing of dates, the babysitter, whether to include the kids or not, finding things to do with the kids.
If the relationship gets serious what's the guys role in the kids' lives? How serious does he want to get? Can he afford it? Does he even want children? Children that he didn't help create? Pay for it? (and he will pay for your children in some fashion)
Child rearing - he'll have thoughts on it you won't like, how will he express this as it's an important topic in a serious relationship, especially if he thinks he might be the third child's father.
That's just a sample of what went through my head before I married my ex. She had two, I have none. I became a father to her daughter and stepfather to her son. I miss her daughter more than I miss her. One of the best and worst things I ever did was marry a single mother. One of the best things that happened was she left me.
Relationships with single parents, at least those with kids still at home, is too complicated for most people to want to deal with. Even more so for people who are so new to running their own lives. | |
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Bunked
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 105 | |
| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 5:12:48 AM | I would shy away too. I don't want kids myself and don't want anyone else's kids either. A girl can be drop dead gorgeous but if she lays the kid bomb her stock plummets fast. I don't like drama and getting involved with someone with kids is a big problem. Most likely you would have to deal with the father and could get ugly especially in this situation.
At one point I was willing to make an exception for one girl but that backfired when the ex got back in the picture. That pretty much made it clear for me, don't get involved. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:46:15 AM |
> Equating kids to STD's, as the poster above me did, is not typical male thought as far as I know.
life of leisure, I was the poster above you and said absolutely nothing about STDs? Who are you referring to? | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:00:25 AM | Wow, this has got to be one of the most interesting posts I've ever read (and I read alot, lol)
I can honestly say that I now have a better understanding as to why guys won't date single mothers. I can understand why a young guy wouldn't want to because he's young and feels that he has his whole life ahead of him and is not ready to take on the "daddy" role. Yes I said "daddy" because realistically speaking, if you were to date someone and get into a serious relationship, they would be taking on a father-figure role. Women take in the same consideration when dating a single father. It just comes with the territory.
I also understand the point of " taking time away" from either the mother spending time with her children (no man wants to be guilty of doing that) or spending enough time with the guy so he doesn't feel left out. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean it's hard enough for a married couple or a couple in a relationship to juggle time for their children and spouse with work, school activities, maintaining the home etc, let alone for a single parent to do the same.
I can also understand the "money" issue and taking into consideration if you get into a relationship with that single parent, how much are you going to responsible for financially raising this child. That's a big thing especially if there is more then one.
I can also understand why they shy away because of an ex and having to deal with is the ex going to think that I'm trying to "take over" as the new father or mother (whatever the case may be).
And to the woman who said
Look at how much life you have left and it's pretty much over. You've been married, and had kids...what else is there to look forward too? I nearly fell out of my chair until I saw how old you are. Being that you are only 20, single, and not having any children, I can understand how you could make such a ridiculous comment. Ask any parent out there, single or married, young or old, life doesn't stop just because you have a child. It may slow it down a little bit, but it doesn't hold you back from doing things you want to do.
I am a single mother. I didn't get pregnant until I was 27 and personally speaking, I don't care how old or young you are, it's a hard job. My daughter's father passed away and in my case I feel I am in a catch 22. What I mean is a guy who doesn't mind dating a single mom could at first think, "well at least I don't have to worry about the ex", but then on the other hand, he could think "well, if I get into a relationship with her, then I'm pretty much going to be the father in this relationship". I sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet someone, but then I figure I'm only 37, I still got a whole lot of time left. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job raising my child by myself, so if it's meant to be that I am to remain a single mother, then I guess that's not so bad either.
PLEASE READ THIS PART, IF NOTHING ELSE
I know this is a little off topic, but I just have to say this or I will feel guilty if I don't. I was reading the posts on this thread about whether parents should not post pic of their children. I am a very proud mom and I used to post pics of my child but I don't do this anymore. The reason: I was stalked by a child molester. He seen my child's pic and contacted me and we were emailing each other for a while until he started taking interest in my child. He had given his name previously, and because of the "interest" he was taking in my child and with that "gut feeling" screaming at me, I decided to look him up. I found his profile on the Virginia Sex Offender Registry. He had been convicted of molesting both his son and daughter. So for all of you proud parents wanting to show off your children, by all means stay proud, but please, please don't kid yourself and think that it can't happen to you. Think twice when posting a picture of your child. Sexual predators are everywhere, and if they want to find a child, they will figure out any way to do it, by any means possible. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:04:46 AM | What a name...too funny. You've produced two babies at your age and use that name.
Everyone has pretty much covered the answers.
You love your children and as a mother you should, but men looking at you see huge problems coming up. Each child presents their own set of needs and any man who dates you is impacted by your needs and each one of your children and for many years to come.
There's a special man out there for you probably, but remember you'll attract pedifiles like flies while you're looking as well. Be a good mom and watch over your children because the men you let into their lives is NOT their dad and they well know that even if you forget.
Good luck to you. Your path will be much harder then many | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:21:01 AM | I think a lot of people are over exaggerating.
Children don't scare me off. But an assumption that children would scare me off does.
It is easy to confuse one for the other, but they are very different. I also don't want to get involved with a woman that is projecting her anger for an ex at me.
I find it a bit unfortunate that the other thread was deleted, but I guess POF doesn't have a way to merge threads. But to sum it up, another young single mother mentioned that she hasn't met the same difficulty as the OP of this thread.
A hard thing to accept is that most of life isn't cause and effect. Very often, things just happen to occur near each other in time. In this case, I don't believe it is your children that make men shy away, I think it is you assuming that men will shy away because you have children. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:21:03 AM | | Why do guys shy away from a girl that has kids? I think the term "shy away" is grossly understated. We've learned through the harshest taskmaster, EXPERIENCE, that our governments use kids as bargaining chips, as leverage, as a means to vacuum money out of our wallets faster than we are able to earn it. It's hard to be sexy, romantic and bon-vivant when you're living in squalor because your kids or someone else's are the reason you find it difficult to afford filling up your gas tank. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:23:17 AM | | Why would another man want to take on another man's responsibility? It will be tough for you to date. Who wants to raise another man's child? Where I live you have to pay child support for ex step children which is a big turn off. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:45:43 AM |
Yes I said "daddy" because realistically speaking, if you were to date someone and get into a serious relationship, they would be taking on a father-figure role. Women take in the same consideration when dating a single father. It just comes with the territory.
Good for you that you realize this. 
Because us men realize it, irregardless of how many statements single moms make about "not looking for a daddy for my kids" which seem to be designed to hide or deny the fact.
Why would another man want to take on another man's responsibility?
He may not have any better options and is thus willing to take such a deal as being better than none at all.
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:04:21 AM | Because us men realize it, irregardless of how many statements single moms make about "not looking for a daddy for my kids" which seem to be designed to hide or deny the fact.
Very true, Dr. LOL. I've noticed that a person who takes the time to express themselves about something, it is DEFINITELY important to that person...and that the very thing they say they are not looking for is EXACTLY what they're looking for.
For example: "I hate it when a guy plays mind games or doesn't earn much money." Translation: "I play mind games and don't make much money." It's a form of psychological projection and, as such, often becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:05:54 AM | | The OP is 19 yrs old. Most men around her age or somewhat older ( such as a 25 yr old ) aren't ready for kids or don't want to help raise kids at this stage of their life. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:19:08 PM | | Because women who have children focus every bit of their attention on the children and do not let guys have any role in their lives whatsoever. Guys like to be wanted/needed at least in some small way. I don't need all of her attention and frankly don't want it, but women with kids give you NO attention. I've been there before and I won't be there again. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:24:00 PM | What new information did the OP learn that the other 63 threads on this same topic didn't cover? 
As a 20 YO mother, the odds are high that the child support from the father will be insufficient or non-existant for some time, if ever, and any potential mate will be footing the bill for your existing familylong before he even has a chance to bring his own offspring into the world with you. Do you see an upside to that situation? I don't see one either.
I wish that young women who have yet to become mothers would read these threads and learn to just say NO! Abstinence is your best friend when you're young and unmarried. There is much to life and more to it than having sex and its consequences befall you at a young age and leave you on the outside looking in. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:02:26 PM | Two words- damaged goods.
Actually men do not want to play second fiddle to a single mother who places priority on raising her kids without a father.
That and I really dont want to finance the raising of some **stards rejected kids. Most likely not always kids spawned from a punk in prison or some other dirtbag. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:05:31 AM | You really need to ask this?
I would never date a woman with kids; maybe one, and that would have to be in a special situation.
1. there is always a barrier;
2. you can't discipline the children; many women and adults for that matter, have very spoiled kids that are not respectful and are a handful
3. the kids are the focus; you can't do what you want or go where you want or even go out to get a bit to eat when you want.
4. responsibility; if you marry a woman with kids you are financially going to be responsible for them and again, you have little or no control on discipline and the decisions of the direction of these kids.
5. ex's; Many young girls that have had kids have chosen to have kids and unprotected sex with extremely terrible partners. The guys just wanted to screw or they liked the girl but you or the guy were not responsible enough to use contraceptives. If these guys want to be in the kids lives or even if they dont it's a huge stressor
I have many more but I hope this opens your eyes a little.
6. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:11:37 AM | And lets face it; STD's is a question; The National Institute of Health came out a couple of months ago that 25% of U.S. teens have an STD. Teens and young adults are so clueless at times about sex, but they are having it in record numbers. There was one post on here and most were young adults and they said genital warts and genital herpes really weren't that big a deal. HUH? thats scary.
Young girls with kids tend to have had them and unprotected sex with guys that are pretty promiscuous and irresponsible. They would have sex with anything with a hole in it. If you sleep with a guy like that, you are being exposed to every person they've screwed, and anyone that those people have screwed. STD's could also be a factor.
Again, for me, if your young and have multiple kids, I think something is wrong. A person, most of them, are not ready to have kids and the environment isnt' the healthiest. When we are so young we make mistakes though. It happens. I just dont want to have to pay emotionally and financially for mistakes in life of someone else. And dont give me hate mail. Having a kid is a blessing but if you dont have a stable home, then having a kid is extremely risky. The most stable thing in a kids life, is a mom and dad that love eachother. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:05:55 AM | Personally I admire those who have "taken on" a family as opposed to help make their own.
However I admit to being a little put off but ladies with kids. The more she has the more scary it becomes. Questions like this arrise.
Has she raised them right?
Are they trouble?
What if the relationship doesn't work out, will the kids be looking at me as a parent?
Stuff like that. Just my 2p | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:48:03 AM | You just said it yourself
i will never put a guy before my kids. ........ Guys your age want to be # one in your life. They want all your attention . Listen, I don't mean to be hard on you or mean. The simple fact is you married to young and had kids with a "kid" that wasn't ready to grow up yet..At 19 you should be having a good time, but you can't. Your tied down with 2 babies. "Boys" your age want to run and play and don't want to be held down by another "boys" kids. If you were older, Let's say 30. You had a kid by a "man" that didn't love you the right way and played around on you. A guy let's say around 35 to 40 would come closer to giving you a chance because he most likely has kids to. But a "boy" your age isn't going to look at it that way. Truth, What he is gonna see is a young girl of 19 that will give it up to him easy. She already has 2 kids. Hit it and go. There not going to take you serious at your age. As i said, Don't mean to be mean, It's just the truth. My advise to you is watch out for guys your age. They will see you as a easy mark. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:24:28 AM |
And lets face it; STD's is a question; No it was not....
you can't discipline the children; many women and adults for that matter, have very spoiled kids that are not respectful and are a handful Don't put everyone in the same basket...and how do you know, if you won't date women with children.
3. the kids are the focus; you can't do what you want or go where you want or even go out to get a bit to eat when you want. Now who sounds like the very spoiled kid here... You need to do some growing up. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:47:22 AM |
you can't discipline the children; many women and adults for that matter, have very spoiled kids that are not respectful and are a handful
(perfectredsky2008) Don't put everyone in the same basket...and how do you know, if you won't date women with children.
"Learn from the mistakes of others -- you'll never live long enough to make them all yourself." -- someone
Arlo | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:06:54 AM | Not even vaguely interested in having anything to do with someone elses children.
When I get to the point that partners with children are acceptable, I hope I am of an age where the children are of an age they have moved out. | |
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