| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:11:00 PM | And maybe if she's waited till she matured she'd have figured out what he was about before marrying/divorcing him. Also unless she is willing to date much older than herself not many will be interested in her situation at a similar age (that is not counting the older ones that will run due to the poor choices in the past).
You may think that sounds harsh but it is nothing more than the reality. Maybe she is on the right track now, I don't know. But either way she has too much on the go and to be done before she is in a position to give serious thought to dating. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:19:05 PM | Give her credit for what? Maybe it makes me an a-hole but I don't automatically give credit to people simply because they are single parents who actually raise their children. Why not give credit to all people who raise their children. Do you honestly believe that single parents are automatically better people simple because they take care of their children like they should while they are alone? I don't. I judge a person by the content I am given about them and what the OP has shown is a lot of irresponsible behavior and then complaining about the consequences when those consequences are what should be expected for her age.
The difference between her and you is this. your age does matter. you are very likely more mature, likely have a better job, likely have a ton more life experience.
I will say this, its a good thing she is trying to get her life together. but giving the "noone likes single moms" crap is old. She needs to just not think about men at all. If it comes it comes, but she needs to grow way up before making another huge decision like that. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:14:06 PM | | well im 24 and it seems like 1/3 of the women i talk to have kids, and at my age, i'm not about to raise another mans seed....but women with kids is a huge hassle, and sometimes they have crazy obsessive baby daddies to deal with....luckaly for you at 31 men are more mature in my opinion and willing to give it a shot if they feel the woman is worth it, but right now a chick with kids to me is just a booty call. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:46:03 PM |
i would sign a agreement that they are not responsible for the child that they didnt make!
I was going to type something sarcastic here, but instead, I will just point out that, you may not have the choice to make such an agreement...
In some States, and in Canada, no amount of agreements, Pre-Nups etc... make a differnce to the courts... If you have to go on social assistance... They just overrule any such things and assess the support on the step dad, the father, and in the words of the Canadian system, "a perceived father figure".
Is it any wonder men shy away....???? | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:30:39 PM | this is exactly why i never really wanna have kids actually. and you are correct, the courts can null agreements if its in the best interest of the child, which in most cases means that the guy pays, sometimes dearly.
There are just no clear cut advantages to dating women with children and the possibility of heaps of disadvantages. So the real question is this for all you women out there who are single mothers:
Give me one clear cut advantage to dating single moms as a whole (not yourself, the single mom genre overall) | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:21:45 PM | | I agree exactly with what Tall and Dark has to say. You might want to look for a man a bit older than yourself . I doubt you're going to find someone close to your age with the mindset and perspective you're looking for. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:20:16 AM | I will give this another go even though I am not sure you are reading these anymore.
A lot of the responses have been towards long term goals of a relationship with very few focusing on an actual date or getting to know you.
When you originally meet a guy he is going to find out PDQ that you have kids and they are first in your life. How much time on a date are you going to focus conversation on your kids? I have dated women with young children and some of them are only able to talk about how great their kids are, what they are learning, the funny things they say and do. That is what the women primarily experience day to day so sometimes that is all they have to talk about. Since I am without kids I am generally seeking to talk about other things. Hence I tend to stay away from women with very young children as I want the evening to be about us rather than someone that isn't even there.
You also say you have better things to do than drink and party. But the majority of guys your age are looking to do exactly that.
You said yourself you "do get to go out one or two times a month." The majority of guys your age looking for a relationship are going to want to go out and experience things with you more than once or twice a month.
There is also the possibility that a lot of guys are going to interpret you wanting to date as an escape from the stress of motherhood for a short time rather than you having the desire to date them as an individual.
I believe these are generally reasons why some guys shy away from a girl that has kids in the immediate goal range rather than long term. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:57:02 AM | | well i do agree in she should have waited. but it does take alot of time patience and i dont see it as whining the forums are here for advice. she is asking advice and the kids are already there. i am seeing someone and he knows i have a child. but i have not introduced him to my son yet and i dont know when i will. but she can't change the past. everyone makes mistakes and then they learn from them. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:00:49 AM | | well i really think it is wrong that a step dad not the real dad has to pay for a kid that is not his own. and i know that makes them shy away. maybe a couple needs to just live together and not marry if the woman has kids that way it can be avoided in ways. thats crazy. they make the step dad pay and let the dad go scott free. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:13:00 AM | ealey2:
As others hav e said I live in Canada and here (as well as in some American states) a pre-nup can not contain a cluase waiving child support. Also in Canada if you live in commonlaw relationship for the alotted amount of time for it to be considered a marriage by the government (it varies in each orovince but where I live in Ontario it is 6 months) you have to pay child support for the other person's children if they have custody. All the parent has to do is take you to court.
At 19 the OP is likely not financially stable and many will look at her as looking for a "new daddy" to provide for her and her kids.
OP you need to understand not everyone wants to date a single mom and raise another man;s kids. Why do you not use this time to improve yourself and your life situation and not think about dating for a while. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:42:27 AM | Yes, 6 months is usually considered 'married' in most of the provinces....
I have a female friends with kids who hate the way the child support laws work because it makes it so difficult to find a guy willing to take a chance. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:48:11 AM | dude, this is news to me.
Seriously,
If I move in with someone,
I cant even unpack my stuff in 6 months,
but get stuck paying child-support ?
This is some MAJOR BS....
Say, 5 years...well I can understand that...
but 6 months?
fk that! | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:40:25 AM |
well i really think it is wrong that a step dad not the real dad has to pay for a kid that is not his own. and i know that makes them shy away. maybe a couple needs to just live together and not marry if the woman has kids that way it can be avoided in ways. thats crazy. they make the step dad pay and let the dad go scott free.
except some states (and apraently Canada) have common-law marriages. And if you are the more typical bread winning man in a relationship you can get screwed over because of it | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:01:01 AM | except some states (and apraently Canada) have common-law marriages. And if you are the more typical bread winning man in a relationship you can get screwed over because of it
Sheesh, I already done told all y'all how to get around this. I don't normally repeat myself, but I'm feeling generous today:
If you move her in, or she moves you in, the "movee" just signs a lease. That way, you're a TENANT, not a step-parent.
Geeze. You wanna SOLVE your problem, or are you just so emotionally-invested in carping about how "hard" it is for guys with single moms, that you don't actually want to DEAL with it?
Arlo | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:47:51 AM | Unless the guy likes frequent-visitor miles to jails on whipped up charges against him for:
-- Child molestation
-- Rape
-- Assault
-- Battery
-- Aggravated assault
-- Conspiracy (to murder)
It all boils down to trust, and if that's not enough, then it doesn't pay to risk associating with a person who could flip off the handle and go screaming-postal in a microsecond. There are far too many stories of this sort...and the charges follow him for his lifetime...kinda like malaria; just don't go away. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:08:03 PM | It's amazing how much negativity is here in this post from a lot of guys but I guess you asked for it OP. These are all guys on a dating site looking for dates and their responses reflect that. You've made your decisions and you're dealing with them but it doesn't have to be so fatalistic as some would have you believe.
These guys here are so fearful of every negative possibility that could happen should they date a woman with child, from child molestation charges to child support and while this does happen to some, it's not the rule and there are special men out there that judge each woman as an individual and wouldn't worry about these things if he met a woman he saw potential in.
On a dating site people have the chance to be more picky and yes, many men can't handle a woman with child so when they see you have kids they will automatically skip your profile without reading any further. But in real life you have the opportunity to meet men who will get to know you as a person apart from your kids. And if you make a connection first he may or may not be bothered by the fact that you are a mom. I think that is the best solution for you, and just because you have two kids and it didn't work out with the father does not mean that you should not date and focus solely on your kids. That's not balanced and that advice obviously comes from people who don't have them otherwise they would know that moms need to be loved too.
I have a daughter and that doesn't stop me from dating. My friends always laugh and joke at how I always meet guys easily whenever I go out. But that's not to say that the guys are all keepers! Having kids doesn't have to interfere with your dating life if you have your sh@t together which it sounds like you are on your way. It all depends on the right man and the right places. Oh, and your attitude. Don't play the victim because you have kids and think "why doesn't anyone want to date me... poor me?" That will ruin your chances of dating more than the kids will. There are a TON of men who have girlfriends or wives with a kid from previous relationships. The guys on here are not all there is. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 2:37:26 PM |
These guys here are so fearful of every negative possibility that could happen should they date a woman with child
and in all reality, why shouldnt they? like i said before there are heaps of possible disadvantages and zero actual advantages of dating a single mom. the pure possibility of having your financial life completely ruined is a huge distractor for men. I don't think you realise how bad it can get. lets take an example:
you as a single mom right now pay all of the bills in your household. you work as a secratary in some office. you meeet a guy who does the exact same thing as you and makes as much as you do. you get married and 5 years later get a divorce for whatever reason. now that guy has to pay for your childs care because you automatically get custody. thats the current system. and its worse if the guy makes more money then you do. he doesnt want to pay and he is labled as a dead beat dad and considered the scum of the planet, even though the childs welfare isnt any worse off then before the marriage.
If the above happened to me I would basically be forced to sell my house and boat and likely have to stop putting money into my retirement. Think I'm exadurating? Its happening to a guy i work with right now who pays $4000 a month to his ex for two children that are not his. He has to pay towards their college (about what? $60,k per kid?) gets visitation rights once per month, and gets to watch in awe as their alcoholic mother (the reason for the divorce) lives in his old house on the river while he now lives in a one bedroom apartment
Sure that doesnt happen to everyone but his case is far from out of the ordinary. His life is pretty much ruined because he married a single mom. Doesnt happen every time, but it happens enough to warrent some sort of fear.
As a mom are you not fearful of certain things for your children that have such an excrutiatingly low chance of happening, but protect them from it anyways? Ill bet there are more men who get destroyed by divorces then people who touch children, or murderers. yet you are fearful of them, but men shouldnt be fearful of the higher probability being involved with single moms........right | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:13:09 PM | So this is how it works in Canada? For a step-dad? Sheesh, and I had such great feelings toward the country. That's a pretty f-ed up scenario and I think it's wrong, but what that comes down to is your work-mate making bad choices as far as character, not a bad choice in marrying a woman with child.
There are plenty of women with kids out there like me who have ethics and know what's essentially right and wrong. Your buddy's wife is an alcoholic, that should have been the first flag. Was she working, a home owner and taking good care of her kids before he married her? Then that's a good indication that she would be self-sufficient if they divorced. You lay with pigs, you get dirty.
I have my own career, social life, home and take care of everything and what I would look for in a mate is someone to share life with, not a sugar-daddy and the guys I meet can tell that up-front. We all make bad decisions, whether having kids at 17 or marrying a horrible person. Your buddy didn't divorce because of the kids most likely, but because of their flawed mother. Finding the right person is difficult enough and as we get wiser we get better at choosing the qualities of a person we would like to have. If those qualities are the right ones then you won't have to fear of the other person destroying you because it would be out of character for them.
I didn't mean for this post to be so long and preachy but all I'm saying is some fears are stupid. Yes, I am aware of child predators and every other harmful thing that could happen to my daughter, but I don't live my life in fear of it and expect every man I meet to hurt her. If I choose wisely she won't be in that situation. Anything is a probability, I guess you could focus on all the negative ones or the nice ones. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:28:21 PM | Amber,
its such BS, I am sorry but I am not buying that.
Character? What character?
Nobody gets into a relationship with a bad person.
Everything starts perfectly, then goes down the sh$%^ter.
I've seen some wonderful characters turn into anti-christ himself,
you'll never know what's going to happen.
If the laws are against you, (in this case they're)
The risk is just not worth it.
You say "some fears are stupid",
well, its not your life in jeopardy,
Ours is,
As a single guy with a lot to lose,
the juice is not worth the squeeze
that's all there is to it. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:44:53 PM |
Sheesh, I already done told all y'all how to get around this. I don't normally repeat myself, but I'm feeling generous today:
If you move her in, or she moves you in, the "movee" just signs a lease. That way, you're a TENANT, not a step-parent.
Unless you knock up said "tenant". Then you don't even have to wait 6 months. Common-law here being live together 6 months or more OR live together and share a child.
And alot of guys the OP's age will want kids of their own down the road. So it is a buy one get three deal for them should things sour. | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:51:17 PM | people cant even get a prenup signed....
you think they'll sign a lease agreement?
-Honey, here you need to sign this..
-What's this?
-1yr lease agreement.....
yeahh righttt... | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:57:23 PM | | Amber you maymeet alot of guys but their intentions my not be to your liking. whenever a girl tells me she has kids she moves into the milf hit it and quit it category, i wont stray away from my main objective,but all possibility for a real relationship is lost, and most of my friends feel the same way aswell | |
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| why is it guys shy away from a girl that has kids?
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:10:22 PM |
Amber you maymeet alot of guys but their intentions my not be to your liking. whenever a girl tells me she has kids she moves into the milf hit it and quit it category, i wont stray away from my main objective,but all possibility for a real relationship is lost, and most of my friends feel the same way aswell. [/quote
You may meet a lot of women but their intentions may not be to your liking as well. You're single and looking as well which means that we've all had gigs that didn't work out. There are plenty of guys who will hit it and quit it on single women with no kids so I'm worried about that at all.
Like I said earlier, I try to see those flaws in guys straight up when I first meet them so as to not waste my time later. And I've gotten pretty good at it. But then, if I did choose to date a 24 year old my intentions would prolly be to hit it and quit it too. Just saying. | |
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