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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:49:53 AM |
If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings? Would you assume she was referring to your social or economic status rather than merely your character?
Personally, if a woman ever said that to me, I would not even give her the satisfaction of seeing my reaction. If I was with her, I'd simply turn and walk away, reach for my phone, and delete her from my contact list. This is self respect. If I had a reaction (which I'm sure I would), she'd never know what it was. I wouldn't wait to find out if it was socioeconomic or character, either way, I'm falling short of her expectations. Continuing a relationship would be pointless, because she'd always be looking down at me on some level. Relationships are about being equals. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:57:31 AM | Off-Topic: Hey, everyone Vancer's back! Nice to see you, Vancer. I missed your brand of sarcasm.
On-topic:
If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings? Ever had a guy say "you're too fat"? He is just saying you are not thin enough for him. He's not even claiming you aren't good enough for him, and yet 99% of women would go into meltdown over this.
Would you assume she was referring to your social or economic status rather than merely your character? Does it really matter? It's an insult. A really big insult, IMO.
Why do [some] men respond by name calling, and other forms of verbal abuse when they get their feelings hurt? Because if this is what you say to people, then you are usually insulting them when you hurt their feelings. It is fair to return an insult with an insult.
I know this is not a healthy reaction/response, but I am very confused/curious as to why a man would say awful things to someone he claims to love/care about/like ? Because if you insulted him, as you clearly described that you did, and he doesn't insult you back, it seems to me that most women would consider him a doormat, and it seems to me that most women would rather date a rude b*stard than a polite doormat. Blame it on a lack of self-esteem in our society if you want. So he is only giving women what they seem to want, and he is only judging what women want, based on who they date. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:01:39 AM |
...In an argument I blurted out that he knew he wasn't good enough for me in the first place, and he responded by calling me a bunch of hurtful names....
...I mean it really sucks, because there is noway I would have dated him if I knew what I know now about him...
...he lied about a lot of stuff [not money or anything] just about his situation, past, family...okay he didn't so much lie, but he left out a lot of "important" sh*t... and expects me to just accept it now...
Men are so...difficult.
Huh.... So you met a man with a shady past. He decides not to tell you everything up front, afraid of your reaction or your judgments of him.
When he finally does tell you, you have the audacity to say he's not good enough for you?!?
And you wonder why he kept that shit to himself in the first place?! He has probably come
across girls like you that don't give him a chance to be who he is now, without the shadow
of his past creeping up on him and people like you making nasty calls like you did....
"not good enough"..... damn girl...... And then you come here and say men are difficult...... wow.
Glad that you finally cleared up your little story... first saying he lied about everything...
and then a bit later on you tell everyone he didn't lie... he just didn't tell you.... and we
all know why now....
No one deserves to be treated with disrespect, but you get what you give missy.
Oh, and you might wanna drop that bagof stones you're carrying.... that is, until you've reached the pinnacle of perfection. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:01:36 AM | All to often people do not take into consideration the power of words, and the pain they can inflict on someone. In fact it causes more damage to some people than physical abuse. Both scenarios are completely unacceptable.
I would never justify, defend or excuse any sort of verbal abuse coming from anyone, however I think the scenario and the context of when and where the comments are given need to be taken into context. What I mean by that is when you are in an position where you feel vulnerable, instinct tends to kick in and all thoughts of "appropriate language" tend to go out the window, and people tend to go on the offense.
If a woman told me that I was not good enough for her, I would probably laugh at the concept yet become somewhat defensive as well. I know I am not god's given gift to women, but I also have pride in my character, and would consider that a personal attack on who I was.
BUT I would try to state what I had to say in a non abusive manner.
The term "your not good enough for me" could have been expressed in another non argumentative way, such as "I don't think we are compatible" or something else. But the fact that she uses the term "your not good enough for me" indicates that she is looking for an argument, and making personal attacks.
He has no right cutting into her, but when a mouse is backed into a corner, chances are he will go on the offense rather than the defense. A somewhat lame comparison would be to take 2 children who are 2-3 years old and put them both on the floor with one toy between them. If they both want the toy, they will fight each other. Not because they have been taught this behavior, but it becomes instinctive.
I am not, nor will I ever be a verbal/physical abuser, but I did say one thing in the wrong context in my last relationship, which in fact ended a 7 year run. It was not a abruptly offensive explosion or anything but my comment of "well that does not make you the mother of the year either" was viewed upon as a personal attack, which was something we never did in the entire 7 years we were together.( I did not mean it as a personal attack, rather than a statement on the scenario at hand, during the argument). Obviously tensions were sky high and getting higher previous to that point. Once I said that, my heart went into my throat, because I knew based on her reaction that I crossed a line that should have never been crossed.
That did not mean that we did not love each other, or care about each other, but it meant that we were in a position where both of us had our guards up and all "rules of arguing" were out the window, and could not be turned back.
I can not answer for "why some guys" do what they do, or why they do it, because the plain truth is that some guys / women are simply people who do not care about other people's feelings, while others say things in the heat of the moment, yet while others have the intent on going out to hurt someone. I think it is the bond that is between the two people that determine the impact the statement makes on a particular person. If I call my female friend a "crazy b!tch" out of fun because she ran around the streets yelling "go sens go".... it would be taken in a different context than if I called my gf/wife a "crazy b!tch" when she was mad. It is based on the context and the bond between the two people that regulate the impact it has on one another. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:29:29 AM | Every one of us hears this all the time without talking to a female. It seems women (more often than men) set their standards to be out of reach for a guy who would probably turn out to be they guy who could loosen them up.
-Do not message me if you don't know the difference between their, they're and there.
-Do not message me if you take pictures of yourself with a cellphone in a mirror.
-Do not message me if you have nothing intelligent to say.
-Do not message me if you have pictures of you falling flat from drunkness at a party, yet say you're a social drinker.
You think that guys like to be told right off the first sight that "you must be serious, never make a fool of yourself, have impecable spelling and worship the ground I walk on to have the slightest chance with me". The hell with you! You might have good pics, but I'd rather be happy than always trying to please my eye candy. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:31:29 AM |
If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings? Would you assume she was referring to your social or economic status rather than merely your character?
I would NEVER say this to anyone!! It's just mean!!
If I don't think we are for eachother, I find a nicer way to break up with her.
And don't do the "It's not you, it's me" BS, either.
But what is "not good enough" means anyway? If someone would told me this, I think I would stick around, just to hear why? Wouldn't respond with any kind of abuse, it's not going to change her mind. Wouldn't do ANYTHING to have another chance with her either. If I am not good enough for her now, I'll never want to be good enough.
She should like me the way I am, not the way she wants me to be. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:39:42 AM | Well, as immature as this may sound, and as much as I like to think myself above things like this, if a woman dared say that to me? in person no less?
I'd respond with:
" Listen you high handed effin ****, one day someone will come along and knock you off your high horse and when you land in the pile of horse sh*t and everyone is standing around and laughing at you then maybe you'll know just how you insulted me.....thank you for revealing your true nature on our first date, you saved me SO much time and money......"
and they call us men idiots? | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:40:23 AM | OP, you have chemistry and now you're surprised to find out that chemistry doesn't make everything all right? Time to upgrade your man-hunting process! There is no saving this relationship. He no longer respects you and it's obvious that what you have can't work anyways.
Would it hurt my feelings? Of course. Don't tell me that you believe the myth that men have no feelings. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:13:19 PM | It would depend on how she said it and the circumstances. If we were discussing the relationship as mature, rational adults, and that was a conclusion of a train of thought then I would have no problem. If she pointed and laughed at me while doing it I might be upset, hurt, and angry. Also, it depends on where in the relationship she said it, after I asked her out, after a couple of months, after our first kid. Each represent an amount of time in getting to know each other more deeply therefore what is said is defined by what you know inherently of each other.
It seems from your subsequent posts you mentioned it in an argument, as simply a method of escalating retribution. So ultimately it was meaningless except it was meant to attack and hurt him. Therefore, since it was an argument and obviously you were both involved in the whole escalating verbal retribution thing, how could he not say awful things? Neither of you were exhibiting your best behavior. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:11:16 PM | OP, your own words are making you sound like a B!tch. I assume you are reading these posts and
wondering why “everyone on POF is so judgmental/mean/wrong. “ So let me answer that for you.
YOU told your story here, not “everyone on POF”. Most folks who recount a story of themselves in a
conflict situation shade the story in their favor, if for no other reason than they do not understand the
other person point of view. Yet, even with this shading, you are coming off as a person with little or no
empathy for her fellow human beings. What would peoples reaction be if your story were told from a
more neutral vantage point, or worse yet, from the man involved in this stories point of view?
If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings?
Through out this thread, in all of your posts OP, i get the feeling that what you are really looking for is
a group of people to say “ HELL YES, it would hurt!” . Now that you have gotten some of that, you
can feel good about your methods. You wanted to hurt him. Rest easy, your mission was a success. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:20:00 PM |
If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings? Would you assume she was referring to your social or economic status rather than merely your character?
If she is civil and just says "no thanks" everything is gravy and I'm on my way, no worries.
If she said I wasn't "good enough" I wouldn't say anything, just walk away.
Wouldn't hurt my feelings no, unless it was a friend or something, maybe. Just a stranger, I don't really care what they think. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:54:48 PM | Your comment was cold and insensitive, with a clear ring of superiority. Unless the guy turned and walked immediately, I'd think the natural reaction would have been defensive, since your comment can and mostly likely would be taken as an attack.
I can't believe how callow some posters can be...but maybe that's why there are so many here. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:13:54 PM |
I've had it happen and they where broker and in worse shape then me? go figure LOL
sure it would hurt feelings. but I think i would laugh about it and thank god that i dident get stuck with a meterialistic snob. Love knows no price and THINGS will never make you happy. I learnd that some time ago. most times they want status for there own short commings.. I could care less.
I've been in many million doller homes and there no happier or better off then me.
men and woman do that becasue there pride is hurt and that is a way to strike back. it's a verbal assault. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:15:28 PM | wtg on the big ego boost there 
I'm glad you clarified eventually...
Would I, personally, be offended if someone told me I wasn't good enough for them for any reason (let alone my past)...nah... "I'm sorry but you aren't good enough for me" to which my response would be "BWAH HAHAHA, you are hilarious!" and I'd turn and laugh my ass off all the way to my car, shaking my head in disbelief that she just said that. But I'm pretty much an open book, and not ashamed of anything I've done in the past - so if someone did think they were 'above' me, it's not to hard to see that it probably is the other way around maturity wise. If I had feelings for the person who said they were better than me...yea, it'd probably hurt...but I can't see it happening. I'm not interested in people who are holier-than-thou.
Should this guy be offended by what you said...haha! YES! Why? He doesn't seem proud of his past, therefore the delay in telling it. There's the good possibility he's learned from his mistakes, and is a better person now. He felt comfortable enough to tell you some of his dark secrets (previous criminal problems, previous relationships, etc etc) and you turn around and freak on him for opening up. You should have told him that you get hung up on people's past...you should have been more open with him about how important his past would be to you. You need to learn that people have made mistakes in the past. The past can't be changed but people can.
As for the name calling back? Yes, he did have feelings for you, or else he wouldn't have been so hurt. It may have been a little immature to call you anything more than a "fvcking b!tch" but come on.
You seriously didn't think he would be offended by you saying he wasn't good enough for you simply because of his past mistakes? Ouch! Maybe you should look inside, before judging others. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:52:19 PM | I would think that anyone with a heart would be hurt by such a statement. The fact that someone would deem you unworthy of their friendship, affection or love is a form of rejection reserved for the most vile of creatures. You become nothing more then the waste of humanity. Your statement could only refer to the person as a whole. You didn't say you don't make enough money or your the wrong class you said you. Of course I have yet to find anyone that would be that brutally honest with themselves or another to refer to such shallowness in the context of good enough for me. I am quite sure someone somewhere meant that when they said your not good enough for me.
As for the second part of your question its not just men that react to hurt and pain with blind fury. Just about everyone has done that at one point or another. That anger is a mask pulled over the agony in their heart. If you read some of my other posts you may get a clearer understanding of that but for brevities sake I shall say it again. Anger is always a reaction to pain. The greater the hurt the stronger the fury. Anger is much easier to deal with then the pain that caused it and is at its very best a survival mechanism. Most people will lash out at those that hurt them simply to quell that agony if only just for a moment. The verbal tirades and hurtful gestures or meant to hide the true feelings that brought them about. If someone just ripped your heart out of your chest it can be awful difficult for a man to tell you or show you just how devastating that feels even if he allows himself to feel it. Most men will never be able to and it works the same way for women as well. If I help anyone with my words the one thing I hope that they learn to understand is that anger is the most destructive emotion when it comes to love. Try to remember that it is just a mask, that it is not manifest in and of itself. Understand why its there and control it for it can and will control you.
DK | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:13:58 PM | If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it? Would it hurt your feelings?
Why would I give anyone the power to hurt my feelings?
Hey! Come here and say something and hurt my feelings.
No thanks. I'll keep that power to myself. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:24:06 PM | This thread developed in an interesting way.
On one hand, I can understand feeling misled over some major background issues not being disclosed at first.
On the other, I have the good sense to know that telling somebody who is into me that they are not good enough for me, would very much hurt their feelings. Just like if I really liked somebody and she said that to me, I would be very insulted. I would only not be bothered, if I did not really care in the first place.
What's interesting is the "victim" here, does not seem to understand this. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:17:13 PM | If a woman told you that you were, " not good enough for her" how would you take it?
Not to much else that can be said here, good job guys, this is plain and simply an insult. An insult that dwells on pride on her part, one of the seven deadly. Wrath on her part, per her follow up posts trying to justify her behavior, another sin. She has much to learn about life and has only insulted herself. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:45:50 PM |
This thread developed in an interesting way. I agree. Part of me expected someone to step forward and try to defend her. Apparently there are no white knights here. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:09:49 PM | OP, have you ever had someone tell you that you weren't good enough for them? Do you know how it feels? If not, perhaps you can't understand why this guy was so upset.
What it boils down to is this: by telling someone they aren't good enough for you, you're saying you're better than them, worth more than them (not financially, but in general), and have more value as a person than they do. There are miles of difference between telling someone, "This relationship is over, we aren't good for each other, goodbye" and "You aren't good enough for me." The first statement clarifies that you don't intend to continue with the relationship (and if he reacts as you've said this guy reacted, consider it confirmation, and go on your way), the second communicates that you think you are better than he is (and in such a case he has a right to respond viciously; you've insulted him at a core level, taken no responsibility for any elements of the relationship that might have been your fault for not working out, etc.).
Do you get the difference? You are not better than someone else. You aren't better than anyone else. Your life has brought you opportunities different from the other person and you (probably) have skills that they don't. To tell them they aren't good enough for you deprives them of basic human dignity, it tells them that they are in every way less than you are. That's arrogance, pure and simple.
Now do you understand why he got upset? | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:54:47 PM | WOW talk about rude.. I wouldn't get nasty, there is no point in that, if the person is judging because they think they are on some higher status level then they are doomed to be alone.
I can understand if two people don't click but ... if things are good and its about money or where you live.. Maybe I just see this different because I have been on both sides of the track. | |
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| Guys, would this hurt your feelings???
Posted: 5/5/2008 12:27:07 AM | Itneverrests, please do not stay with this person.
The drama will never end. You can't change him. You can only force him into a position where he'll appear to change in order to continue getting what he thinks is best for him.
And you'll be doing the same. You'll both be dancing the line of delusions because you'll both think the relationship needs to continue.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
You don't need to struggle with any particular fish for the rest of your life.
There is always fish out there for you that won't struggle. | |
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