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Posted: 5/5/2008 12:38:01 PM | Hi people, thanks for the replies. Ive read everyone one of them and I agree with what most of you have said. The last post talks about me putting up walls, but isnt that just human nature? Isnt that about protecting who I am, to a certain extent? Physical attraction is important to me, I dont want an adonis lol...however, I want to be attracted to the guy just as he would be attracted to me. Is that wrong? Also, PoeticBliss and mismelly80, opgirl thanks, Im more aware about the 'net' in general pof because ive been on here over a year and it does make you more clued in to yourself and others. Mthomjmark, I agree with you; when I started pof as I stated I was looking for 'the one' however, because Ive come into contact with guys who 'played the game' so to speak ive become more clued in and have totally ditched the idea. My circle of friends are very close, and I do go out and enjoy myself with my girlfriends. Harabyman, I did have that notion as a newbie not now though. Good luck to you all and thanks I appreciate your opinions....x | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 12:49:01 PM | It's my opinion that you have it backward 'luvtohang'. It's the hard experiences that make youy stronger, and I personally am not waiting until all my ducks are in a row to start dating...do you have any idea how hard it is to train those damn ducks??? I do agree however with the rest of your opinions, and I really appreciate the loving way in which it was delivered! | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 1:24:37 PM | Op,
I'm glad you were able to read what I wrote in the way it was meant I was a bit worried you would have misread it and taken offense kudos to you for that :). To answer your questions, I'm not sure I would say its human nature, rather its animalistic instinct. We have been given/evolved the ability to reason and move against instincts for several reasons I suspect this is one of them. Yes our instincts are to place up walls one could go into all of those primal reproductive reasons for it but for now lets just leave it as a yes. Still we learned ages ago that those that were strongest weren't always fittest after all the one who found fire burned the strongest's butt. Suddenly we needed the ability to reevaluate what was fittest. Further while we want connections with others we allow also our fears of that which is different from what we have now to add walls that don't need to be there until we wall ourselves shut. The point being just because our natures build walls doesn't mean they should be there or that they should lack doors. Follow?
As to the physical attraction point I'm not saing you want an adonis or even that wanting it is wrong. What I am saying is that when you put a wall up the only one who is being limited by that wall is you. Worse it can be pushed back to fall on you if your not careful. The truth of nursery rhymes and fairy tales really has always been thus. The ability of the human mind to rationalize and remake its environments is without measure. Many can tell you that the first glance of the one they came to love wasn't always flattering or attractive and so if you limit this to being the only case you might lose out. By no means am I or anyone else suggesting you go find someone you have your stomache turned by and date them, however, realize that what might not be attractive right then and there may well grow on you.
As with all advice it is just that op and I do want you to and hope for you to find your happiness. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 1:52:28 PM | | firenight, thanks for expressing your opinion. To reassure you I rarely take offence to written texts. Glad that you agree that as human being its only naturalistic to put up walls. However, as you've suggested and to a certain extent I do agree with you that 'just because nature builds walls doesnt mean they should be there' ...of course (depending on the situ) they shouldnt, however I believe as long as we continue to have self doubt we will always put up walls.....Totally understand where your coming from, about self limiting yourself and I do agree. Maybe its something I can learn from as Im aware of it. Though it will im sure be a hard lesson to learn. As ive grown older attractiveness isnt always on the physical side of a person, however there does need to be a physical attraction, it boils down to human nature.... | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 1:55:34 PM | What I mean is when any guy mails me and I dont find him attractive I wouldve made up something because I'd hate to hurt their feelings. Better to politely and accurately express your feelings and opinions than to do an extravagant deceptive verbal dance around how you really feel. Do this, along with in general make an effort to refine and understand your dating preferences, and to not rationalize unfulfilled "requirements" as being some sort of "preference" that isn't being met by the general population of potential male suitors.
I've experienced online dating but with the knowledge Ive come to acquire about guys they're generally only after one thing It wasn't always this way; I think with today's technology, people who are naturally disingenuous have become to rely on internet dating as an outlet and venue to apply their disingenuity. My guess is In Real Life you don't typically come across less guys who are "generally only after one thing"--this is just some sort of perception on your part.
This may sound idiotic but Im generally worried do you think POF can make you feel like your losing your self confidence, your inability to attract the 'one' you want, maybe making you to become 'harder'. Yes it does sound a bit idiotic. One would think with the opportunity to experience things they wouldn't have experienced otherwise, that would be an enlightening experience. If a woman feels like she isn't attracting the 'one' she wants, maybe she might take some initiative? This is the 21st century. Go out after the 'ones' you find attractive.
The whole concept of 'the one' is a romantic notion; not very realistic. 'One' needs to be in the right place at the right time. On the internet, you can essentially be in more places more often. Wouldn't you think that ought to help you find the 'one'????
I feel like maybe im losing a bit of control. Losing control of what? | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 2:29:47 PM | | bikeman, your views on my question reads a bit like roundabouts and swings. You seem to understand what Im on about then ask at the end losing control of what? I agree with you that if your not interested in someone you should politely state so and I more or less do now, whereas before I just went along with the guy's talk. I learnt from my mistakes. I dont rely on internet dating, if you look at my profile it states 'friends' not dating...why? because putting dating up on my profile gave I feel the wrong impression to guys, since ive put up friends men have become less agressive and seem to be more approachable...yes of course it could be a tatic, but then im not 'in the game' as some suggest it to be. Im a woman of course I want romance and to find 'the one', yes of course I need to be in the right place at the right time...Id love to meet mr right whilst im doing the weekly shop, etc etc...it may happen it may not...also i was talking about losing control regarding 'feeling, emotions'...my behaviour has changed a lot since starting pof...i wondered if others had...thanks for your reply, I enjoyed reading it....regards | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 3:37:27 PM |
Im a woman of course I want romance and to find 'the one' Many other women have given up this idealic notion of a romantic "soulmate". So I wouldn't assume every woman thinks like you suggest. Also you seem to be more of a traditional" than "progressive" mindset. That's fine, whatever floats your boat, but I still can't see what control a woman with a "traditional" mindset has "lost" after she adopts a more direct communication method. I guess I really don't understand what "you are on". | |
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Posted: 5/15/2008 3:22:22 PM | | op I don't know but I think maybe to much hope was put into the reason u joined here.I just don't know why u would just leave it to one site although I don't know that is what you've done.There are a few other sites that are nice for meeting folks and leaving a profile up on another site is not a bad thing.Instead of waiting on someone to choose u why not choose someone urself and make a move.The control is in ur hands when u do that and u don't feel like ur at the mercy of someone elses view of u and ur profile which I would think if u always waited on others to contact u first and nothing happened except bad contacts,I would seriously start doubting myself also.Read a few profiles and sharpen up what u r looking for and the musts for contacting u.It comes down to how u view urself not how others view u. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2008 3:30:25 PM | Poster, Had to see if you were a virgo!  "over-analyzing" things...
I think at every stage in history, there were things that tested peoples' reserves....made them question themselves, those around them, and life in general.
In today's world, when is there not "turmoil" of some kind? There is so much thrown in our way...how do you deal with it all? Just one day at a time; one moment at a time....and just keep the inner peace. If you can do that, Poster, your dating experience on here will have taught you some lessons about yourself........as well as about other people and about LIFE.
There will be chaos around you...but try never to let it disturb the peace inside of you.
~Sue~
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Posted: 5/15/2008 3:31:29 PM | The thing that really changed my attitude was meeting a man online and wasting a huge amount of time talking to him only to find out he was married with a kid, and a compulsive liar.
Now I seem to assume most of the men on dating sites are married or attached, and am suspicious of all of them. This also makes me wonder why I would ever want to get married in the first place. What's the point?
The fact that even 50 yr old men act like whining babies trying to get something they want from their mommies is even more disheartening. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2008 3:45:39 PM | | Over analysation is the nemesis to all progress. With a generalization attitude I can say that no woman on here is interested in me- just my benefits. I know that's not true. Now if your analyzation is all screwed up to begin with- how you gonna go around thinking that overanalyzing it is gonna make anything better. It's not everybody else that's screwed up sweetie- it's you. If you don't believe me then take a look at the equation real quick- what is the most common factor in all of YOUR relationships? It's you. so with this in mind- maby you should stop thinking about meeting guys in bars and think about meeting them for coffee. Maby less club and more see the sights. When you start choosing Mr. Right, you will start getting Mr. Right. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2008 4:03:49 PM | | Well, girl, it sure did make me lose my self-confidence, control, and self-esteem. I met someone I truly did like (after a 3 month search) and met him for my birthday. He seemed enthused, but after meeting him I heard nothing for 2 weeks. I know I am super-sensitive, he stated he was interested in "dating" and I prefer "long-term" but thought dating would be okay based on his profile. He was a great guy! I really, really liked him alot. He worked out of town in another state but lived within 25 miles of my home. I lost control and started writing him sarcastic letters, etc. Told him he didn't have any manners, told him he was a coward for not telling me anything one way or another. I felt like a fool. I'm going to unsubscribe from this site. Everytime I talk to a guy he wants to give me his personal AOL, Yahoo, whatever address and then he goes directly to talking about sex. I'm sorry, but I also have a brain. I'm so tired of it. I wonder if anyone else out there feels like this. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2008 4:16:00 PM | blueeyedbaldman on 5/4/2008 9 48 PM
well said: we are not all bad, (there are bad people here), but there are also lots of nice men and women too, more nice than bad.
OP have to say to you:- So good luck - have some fun on the forums and dont take yourself too seriously, then it all slots into place.
If you dont want to date someone - then say "maybe we can be friends", dont have to hurt them, just let them down gently, treat everyone as you would like to be treated | |
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