| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:24:40 PM | Lorelei67, relax and step back for a moment. It's just the initial 'getting to know you phase'. That's all. You shouldn't be "turning into a nervous wreck over a guy" that you barely know.
Being attracted to someone can make a person feel a bit crazy but certainly, don't let it get the best of you (or him.) Relax, enjoy yourself and keep the self induced stress out of the picture. Best of luck to you. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:58:15 PM | In general -- thinking at least 95 % of the things people "worry" about never come to fruition. It's a waste of time and worry. The shot you never hear is the one you have to fear. Well you don't have to cause that'd be a waste of fear, if there is such a thing.
Each situation is a bit different. Guess you could make things you worry about happen. By forcing an imaginary issue. Better to try to get on the same page. And then there's -- que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be. When you just have to swim with the current. Not many other options. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 1:30:14 AM | I'm so glad I posted last night and woke up this morning to so many wise and kind replies. Thought I had learnt so much after my divorce and being happy on my own and then I fall for someone and it feels like it's all coming undone. But you've made me realise it isn't, I need to get hold of myself and let if unfold. This guy really likes me (he said I'd made him feel alive again) and I need to relax. I'll go and check my email now and if he hasn't written, I won't assume it's because he never wants to see me again, it'll be because he hasn't read his emails or had time to reply ...
Thanks again, xx | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 1:48:53 AM | OP,
The "...shouldn't show my interest..." comment makes me believe you aren't secure and happy in your own right. In my opinion, men want to know we are interested. They just don't want us to need them so much that their world has to change.
If you need him to respond to your text message within 5 minutes, something is wrong inside you and you are trying to get him to fix that for you. He can't make you feel good about yourself and you shouldn't be asking him to do that.
No man can complete you. You have to do that yourself. Only when you are a whole person can you enter into a successful relationship. Get busy making yourself happy and then when Mr. Right comes along you'll be ready for him. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 5:27:21 AM | You really need to keep things cool because it may ruin what you and this guy have.
Just tell yourself that things are more likely to go wrong if you don't keep things cool, hopefully that'll help. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 5:49:30 AM | | Yes Irish Eyez, i completely agree with your statement, but once one of you start feeling or acting this way, it really is kaput. As hard and unfeeling as it may seem, most of us have been down that road at somepoint | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:16:54 AM | | Keep coming back here for moral support, finding it tough today, nothing from him sofar, so first day of no contact from him after so much everyday - he even told me he'd be gutted if I met anyone else. But perhaps he thinks he should cool it a bit too and not frighten me off - who knows! I'm even beginning to doubt that I should be travelling over 200 miles to see him in two weeks with me feeling like this. But hope I can get my head together. If I don't hear from him by tomorrow, will just text him casually to ask how he is. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:30:57 PM | | Your past conditioning has a lot to do with how youre feeling now. Your problem, as with most people, is "overthinking" -the little chatterbox in your head. Every bad experience we have in life (that includes past relationships with partners or even parents), leaves some residue behind. These lay dormant in our subconscious mind. Unfortunately, most people enter a new relationship BEFORE clearing out these residues. At first, all seems fine at the start. We feel 'in love' etc etc until the new partner does something that resembles something done to us in the past by an ex. This then triggers or awaken the 'past conditioning' which in turn triggers past feelings or past emotions. For example, in your case, if you look closely, this gentleman, by merely not texting when you expected him to, has triggered this feeling of insecurity which was already laying dormant within yourself. However, here's the good news!!! There is a brilliant book which I recommend you to read. It will show you how to clear this past conditioning and approach this new relationship with peace of mind. Most people in this situation unfortunately would start to blame the new partner 'for not caring' etc.. Try not to do that and work on yourself. The rest will fall into place. Never try to change the other person otherwise you may in turn trigger HIS past conditioning and cause conflict!! Please read the book and it will become clear to you as to what to do and HOW to do it. Here is the book: THE POWER OF NOW by Eckart Tolle followed by PRACTISING THE POWER OF NOW by the same author. It has helped me and a lot of my friends to whom I have recommended this book. I wish you all the best anddon't hesitate to contact me on here if you want to discuss the contents of the books once youve read them. Regards xxx | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:44:19 PM | | Relax! You are not the only one who has ever felt this way. It is normal to have some feelings like this at the beginning of a relationship. Anxiety is no fun and you don't want to continue feeling like this. He must think you're pretty special or he would'nt have stayed around this long but you must concentrate more on what you're doing than what he is doing. Be productive, be active, be social, and for your own sake remember that you survived without him for your first 49 years and you can survive without him for the next. Good luck. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:55:34 PM | Bluesman...good quote..must ponder on that one in those ah ha moments. :)
Lorelei...have a bit of experience in this area. First time for moi in long distance 'new' relationship. Everything is hunkey dorey. A pattern ensues...mutual feelings are exchanged, etc. Then you leave each other and it's text heaven, and the odd mail and /or call. In my case it just has dissipated a little but there are burning issues on his part that prevail so I'm taking the reality road.
Nevertheless as for you girlfriend..it's absolutely natural/normal for you to feel 'insecure' feelings with a new relationship after a divorce. Hec...if we all didn't have certain 'scars' from our breakups we wouldn't be human now would we? So as alot of our mutual buddies have pointed out yes absolutely, take a candlelight bath and put some smooooooooth relaxing tunes on. :) Read a good book, go for a good run. Hang out with your girlfriends, catch a movie. That`s what I do and it definitely soothes the soul. But please don`t beat yourself up if he`s not returned a message. It may be that he is busy or what not. If in final it turns out he`s got cold feet. Oh well, you won`t die. Don`t know your sits but in my books if you can survive a divorce. You can survive anything girl!!!!!
So keep positive and to the fact that he has so much as told you some real nice things and he wants to stay in touch.
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:49:34 PM | Lorelei,
Welcome to the club. Look at it this way. You can used this opportunity to grow and learn. Remind yourself that you don't want to be that woman who loves too much....if you don't, that is. Plus, a needy woman is very unattractive. You will get there. Just don't be so hard on yourself. Dating has changed. When you've got a good one you don't want him to get away but you want to give him the space he needs to miss you.
Good luck and don't worry, you're fantastic and why shouldn't he want to be with you as often as he can......if he doesn't then perhaps that just means it's his loss and for you something better is waiting for you.
Act :) | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:29:25 AM | | Think I've managed to chill out a bit and thanks again to those of you who've posted. Great tip Trantricity - you're so right about the past conditioning us and that's exactly what it feels like. Little things that he does or doesn't do remind me of past relationships. It's good too to know that other people accept that coming out of a divorce isn't easy and even though I feel I've moved on, meeting someone new has made all those feelings resurface. But feel much stronger now, and more confident about this lovely man. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:11:09 AM | I am going to teach you how to be a grown up teenager....
Ignore him....DON'T answer the phone when he calls...become unavailable.
I guareentee his ego will kick him in the butt and he will be sitting on your porch howling for your attention inside of two weeks. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:31:38 PM | | Do you think I should Indigo Rose? I'd feel mean but perhaps I've always been too available. My dear old dad always said a woman should dangle a man a bit! I've never dangled a man I liked in my life - too scared they'd lose interest I guess! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:59:37 PM | People appreciate things more they've expended some effort to achieve or possess.
Not at all saying to play games, but being too available does tend to make them take you for granted. Just human nature....so don't just be there waiting all the time. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:17:45 PM | The game of life!
For gawds sake Woman get yourself a life. Join a club, learn to dance, volunteer ,garden , do something so that when "he" calls you don’t just drop everything! If this is a game then it's a damn goodin because it has been played since the beginning of time. Men are hunters. Give them something to chase and never let them think that they have you caught because then they will run off with their tail in the air chasing something else. Like car tires or something.
Ya Ya I know guys will poo poo this idea but that is only because some of us got our mitts on the Manual and "they" are doing their best to debunk.
Why is it that the guys you really like don’t like you and the ones who make you go ewww linger around like the stinky stench of fresh cat poop.
Good luck Hon! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:27:17 PM | > ...This would probably be understandable behaviour in a 16 year old but I'm 50 for godsake!
So much for the reputed merits of dating older women because they're "better", more mature, "have their act together", etc...
You're not acting like a 16 year-old, you're acting like a 50 year-old who knows this might be one of her last times at bat, one of her last good chances. So you should be nervous and anxious, because you don't want to blow it, do you?
> I've still got this thing that men should do most of the pursuing and I shouldn't show my interest too strongly.
There's your problem. You're a bit long in the tooth to be adopting the stance of a demure princess. So dismount the pedestal immediately. You're going to have to come down and join the human race sooner or later. If you don't eventually show some interest he's likely to get the idea you're not interested. Duh. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:58:58 PM | Take this scenario and add that the guy is STILL actively looking. Well he says he REALLY isn't and if "something comes up" he won't ignore it.
Like the maker of this thread I met someone at a distance away. One minute he is very flirty and shows affection and the next a little stand offish but pleasant. He constantly brings up hurdles between us then says he talks to me more than any other woman he's met. And so many times he chats with me online and corresponds with others here on POF at the same time.
He does little things that do make me feel special but then again that's once in awhile. There is no real daily lovey dovey stuff which really IS ok . And yes I feel very very insecure in this. I have been in long distance relationships before but in those cases I knew the guys were not looking around.
I one of my insecure moments we had words. In the middle of it all I questioned about other women he may be talking to or possibly involved in and he replied "that is my affair".
I show him non stop affection...he KNOWS how I feel. Sometimes he will show it back but honestly not as often as I like- I put it to him not being that emotional a man.
I can't offer advise because I can't sort mine out either... | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:18:01 PM | Also, someone already told you to message her.. my advice is when you feel like freakin out.. just contact an understanding girlfriend.. you can contact me too if you want just to express your emotions.
I will say this.. the reason why you are reacting this way is probably because of some past relationships.. but listen understand that you being clingy and needy is as gross to a guy as it is gross to you for some guy you just met to start pressuring you for sex.. Major.. Major...Major turn off.. right?
So I know it is hard to let go and relax.. but this guy sounds nice to me.. you never know how a relationship is gonna turn out so be surprised.. let him surprise you and show himself to be consistant.. cuz if you don't you will be doomed I am afraid. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:02:41 PM | | I think this insecurity comes from a (sub?)conscious feeling that you are unworthy of his attention... i.e. if you were him, you would not go out with you. We all make this mental calculation, don't we? Well, either you are right - and then you can help it by investing in personal growth, on all levels... akin giving the house a fresh paint and a bit of remodeling before putting it on the market... or maybe you are wrong, and then, for one, dating other men and seeing their perception of you might give you the self-confidence you need. You are not in a committed relatinship yet are you? So what the heck? Get into your sexiest dress and go to a bar tonight with the cutest guy on your favs list. I am not saying do anything you don't want to do, but flirt and have fun and get some poor fellow smitten and wrapped between your fingers and breathe some life into yourself! Your man will dig you more if you get that spark in your eyes that only a woman who feels admired has. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:55:15 PM | Lorelei67----Ooh, the state you're in (but not the insecurity) is something precious. Savour your blossoming feelings for him! It is going to be your elixir of youth. Bet it is better than botox. ;)
Now, you want to treasure it and nourish it with positive karma. Cool it then but enjoy it! Yes, you got it right. You can indeed sabotage it by being clingy and needy. That is the kiss of death. That can scare most men.
Take it easy. Over analysis is not the way to go. I once did it and I said goodbye to the man. He was furious! He did not want to say goodbye and had no clue why I wanted to. So, if he does not give you all his attention, he probably is just very busy! Don't
give him the impression that you have no life outside of him. Relax and everything will be fine. Overreact and you are going to slowly kill your chances of having this develop into the real thing.
Take long walks, go swimming, work out, bake a cake, debone a chicken, redo your wallpaper, learn a new language, anything but don't touch that dial!...Yup! Move and get busy and enjoy this wonderful feeling!
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