| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:15:21 AM | Thanks for more of your posts. Mr Life of Leisure, he knows I'm interested, I'm travelling 200 miles to see him and always respond to his texts and initiate contact sometimes, it's just getting the level right. And yes, I guess I do want to find a man who can be my last partner in life but haven completely written myself off if this one doesn't work out.
Phoenix, I feel for you but this guy doesn't seem to be giving you what you need. Not your fault at all but I hope you can be strong. Enchanted, your advice is wonderful, I'll hold onto it as much as I can. It is better than botox, my skin is glowing and I'm losing weight because I've got no appetite! He texted me last night at bedtime and first thing this morning to wish me a nice day, what more do I need?
I would love to know from you men how you feel about women you really like not being too available - what does not being too available actually mean? If you initiate contact a few times and she doesn't respond, what does that do to you - will you give up? What's the ideal balance between feeling a woman is interested but not too much of a push-over? And does anyone believe that the scenario exists where people are so in tune with eachother (ie soulmates) that none of this who should contact who stuff exists at the beginning of a relationship. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 5:21:38 AM | Well I am not a man.. (as per your request above) but I did think of a couple of more things to say.. especially about men who seemingly come on strong and then back off a little.
I think because we ladies can multi task.. that we don't understand that a man's mind is linear. They actually function best when they can have a single purpose. I believe man times that men get focused on their work intensely..making aliving.. going out and killing the next meal so to speak and it isn't that they don't care about keeping in contact with us it is that they are going out and doing what they are hard wired to do which is accomplish. Yes we women accomplish also.. many of us are extremely accomplished but we are not hard wired like a man.. we can do many things at once.. I believe that is why we are the ones to have the children.. do you honestly believe the human race would have survived if men had been given the task of nurturing children? The answer is no.. and the reason is there ia a biological evoluationary advantage to why the sexes think differently.
I too would hope that some of the men would answer the OP's question above.. and clue us in.
Guys am I right about this??? After a time of newly discovering someone do you tend to refocus on your work.. and your life.. because you are propelled by that sense of accomplishment and purpose? | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:57:43 AM | Loreli - 'pretending to be unavailable' is a game best left to children. You're a 50 YO woman for Christ's sake! Like many posters before me, I urge you to 1) enjoy the giddy, ga-ga feeling and 2) chill out! If things progress as you are no doubt hoping they will - at some point you could maybe confess some of your 'childish insecurities' (if he hasn't already read this thread! - always wondered about that :-o ) and you can both have a chuckle at your expense. Meanwhile, enjoy the ride! | |
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Mizzi
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Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 55 | |
| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:17:47 AM | Aaaaw I think you have fallen head over heels girl and because of the distance it is making you feel a bit insecure....
Hey, relax. It sounds like he REALLY likes you..... Hold back. Keeep busy at work, with girlfriends, working out, anything.....
Enjoy it, it sounds like you two have a lot of good things to look forwards to.... xxx | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:33:45 AM | | I can get the same way lorelei...I make myself quickly write something down that he has said or done that contradicts the feelings I'm having. I then see clearly how irrational my negative feelings are. It's been quite awhile since I've had that anxiety now. Hope that helps...it's a terrible way to feel!!! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:43:44 AM | > It is better than botox, my skin is glowing and I'm losing weight...
<<------- is gonna have to add that to his profile as a big selling point for dating him. 
Bioluminescence is not unknown as a method to attract mates. Fireflies, for example. Glowing in the dark takes lots of energy, hence the weight loss. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:38:18 AM | | Thought I'd stop by and add my 2 cents. As one poster put it a man's thought process is different. Chase is good, sometimes after the catch they do slip away. DON'T GO THERE!! He has shown you sincere interest, and as some have said games are best left for boards and cards. If you like him, and he knows it fine, if you aren't available it's not the worst thing, but be real, not some phony baloney answer this call don't answer the next two. Should it come up about this thread, tell him the truth, you were nervous and sought advise. At 50 life is not the same as 35-40, people look for more stability not childish behavior. That doesn't mean you two can't act 16 and in love or lust, just no silly high school romance games. Enjoy this, romance and the feelings it produces only happen rarely, just when that chemistry between two people is right. See where it goes as it develops, COMMUNICATE ALWAYS, this is so important. Don't run to him and say "I'll love you always" but don't be afraid to show how you feel. I've heard it more than once "men are not mind readers". Some have more emotional depth than others and can feel the signs and signals your putting out, sorry to say others are dumber than dirt in this depatment. If this helped great, if you want more, just post an answer. Best,Bob | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:30:57 AM | | Thanks Bob for your post, it rings true what you say. I don't think communication with this guy is going to be a problem and will remember that. I'm a very trusting, open person and just can't really act against type, so as long as I try to contain my insecurity and recognise that the feelings are coming from what's happened to me in the past, I will show my interest in him because that's what I want to do. And I have a feeling he'll be pleased. This man has done a lot of work on himself after divorce completely floored him and I already have a sense of how emotionally deep he is. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:57:58 AM | Hello Lorelei
Wow, I can really relate to your situation, I've felt that way over guys I've only known for a short time myself. I really couldn't understand why it was so out of proportionate to the circumstances, I'd only met the guy twice and there was no commitment or obligation between us.
My fear and anxiety really wasn't related to the guy (obviously I didn't even know if we were a match, other than the commonalities we had online and two short visits).
Unfortunately in my case I took a risk and said how I felt to him and he ran like heck assuming it really was about him and I was possessive and mistrusting.
Well he did get the latter one right, but not the former, I wasn't being possessive, I was actually triggering to past situations in my life where trust was an issue on an ongoing basis, which creating an imprint of intense feelings, which I was having. He on the other hand, must have been triggering to similar issues in his life and thus it didn't work out.
However, the good news is, I am very aware of what it is that caused me to feel the way I did and I have confidence that I can deal with it again if it comes up. Hopefully, as one poster put it, He will have the ability to communicate and work his feelings through as well. (whoever he is)
What helped me to understand and relieved me of the intensity of the feelings was that I read a book called A New Earth by Echart Tolle. In it he describes what he calls the Pain Body and how it can affect our current situations, he also addresses how to deal with it when it comes up, why we are drawn to situations where it comes up and how to be in the present to alleviate the feelings and enjoy the moment for what it is.
I skipped the beginning to get through the experience with greater ease. I am 57, have been dealing with this kind of thing for many years, thought that it would be with me for life.... not anymore I don't.
Good luck | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:51:24 PM | Enchanted, your advice is wonderful, I'll hold onto it as much as I can. It is better than botox, my skin is glowing and I'm losing weight because I've got no appetite! He texted me last night at bedtime and first thing this morning to wish me a nice day, what more do I need?
Heavenly Angels! He is absolutely precious. If you play your cards well, you will be forever young. Ensure that you get him crazier over you than you are over him, at least on the surface. ;) Just have that glow and, botox? What is that?
Isn't this feeling so wonderful? Just remember, be positive! Guys who are genuinely smitten are so allergic to negative vibes. If you are feeling insecure, suck a lemon! Never ever mention anything about this insecurity to him, now! Just go with the tide...Make him, not you, wonder if he has you, yet! I don't mean play hard to get. I don't think it will work. Never mind your age. Don't be intimidated by it. But mature men are more patient in general. It is alright to be honest about your feelings but not about insecurities. Just don't go overboard. This is not the time!
Believe me! All is going to be alright if you remain calm. Not calcualting though. One of these days, you will be assured that you are holding his heart in the palm of your hands. That is when you need to work in keeping it there! Then you know it is all worth it to be in love. Play your cards well, girl. And give us updates. May is a romantic month… | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:46:30 PM | | Oh cool I always liked obsessions. Best thing in the world is to feed em and watch them grow. As for being 50 and acting 16?...it beats being 16 and acting 50 for sure. If you got something going on just be glad you got it. Worrying just takes the fun out of it. As for the part about should you show strong interest? Go for it!!! | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:12:51 PM | | Just a short postscript, you mention he got stung in a divorce. Sometimes, not always, men have bitterness after it happens, I'm sure you've read through some of the trainwreck posts on here about it. Since he's done work maybe he's in a good place, but if it does start to backup on him, it's NOT you, it's him. Talk about it, not twenty times, but once or twice to try and put it behind you two. Also know if your relationship does start to take off, you will be feeling on top of the world. Sometimes, at this point a little insecurity might develop on his part. Just that "am i doing the right thing?" or "is it too soon?" This is normal for guys, just be yourself, it will smooth out. I guess that's 2 more cents from me, soon I'll be centsless, Bob | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:48:32 PM | Nice to hear from you again Enchanted. When is the last time you felt this feeling then?
I'm glad you don't think I should play hard to get, because if I really like a man, I can't, it feels false. If a man shows he's interested in me and then I have to pretend I'm not that interested to keep him interested, well, it's all too complicated for me!
Today he asked me to not one but two family parties in a few weeks and I was really pleased - makes me feel he wants to make plans with me, which is lovely. But I'll keep a lemon handy, just in case.... | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:50:45 PM | | Thanks for sharing your story with me Ikiera - that "imprint of intense feelings" rings such a bell with me. Someone else on here has recommended a book by Eckhart Tolle so I will look him up. Glad things worked out for you. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:11:01 PM | You may be 50 lorelei, but I'm 51 and I'm a guy so I know what your going through. I didn't marry until I was 28 and I regret the fact still. I should never have married the one I did. I remained married for almost 18 years out of responsibility, not love. That had ended after four years. The love I mean. Its tough getting over ones insecurity when you are as old and seasoned as we are but you have to remember that there are still good people in this screwed up, messed up world of ours and perhaps you found one. All the best to you and good luck!
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:26:55 AM |
Nice to hear from you again Enchanted. When is the last time you felt this feeling then?
I'm glad you don't think I should play hard to get, because if I really like a man, I can't, it feels false. If a man shows he's interested in me and then I have to pretend I'm not that interested to keep him interested, well, it's all too complicated for me!
Five glorious months last year. 
Playing hard to get went out with the boonies. What for? Just don't go overboard and be clingy. | |
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| Grown-up woman acting like insecure teenager!
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:35:23 AM | It's all about expectations and you are projecting your own upon this poor fellow. I recently went out with a woman who used to text, email and call me several times a day. What a frickin' nuisance...serious overkill... my blackberry would be constantly buzzing with new phone calls/emails/texts. I found it somewhat annoying and would only answer or return her calls/texts when I felt ready. Also, if she sent two or three consecutive text messages (or emails), she expected me to reply to all of them, rather than one all-encompassing text message in return. This drove her up the wall which resulted in her constantly complaining about it and telling me that she expects a man to return her calls/texts within two minutes. That sort of crap never flies with me, so I made even more of an effort to make her wait...you know, didn't want to reward that sort of idiotic thinking. Anyway...by the time I had her trained, I didn't want her anymore. That's the risk you run when you try to control others with what you believe is the norm. Everyone is different and you need not question it or obsess about it. You like him and that is all that matters.
edit: let me clarify one thing, it would have been romantic if she had just sent little love messages, etc, without expecting anything in return. | |
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