| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:44:42 PM | I greatly admire your strength and courage. You are a brave, strong woman and certainly have my admiration  That guy you chatted with is obviously shallow and you are better off without him. I don't see anything wrong with you disclosing the information and being honest. If others cannot accept it then it's their problem not yours. If they can't accept it you don't need people like that in your life. You need to surround yourself with positive people who will respect you.  | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:48:02 PM | ebonyezes,
I'm currently seeing a lady who's had a bout of breast cancer, she was right up front
and open about it, to look at her u wouldn't think it, she also has some personal issues
which she is handling quite well. She's very independent and lets me know it everyday,
I myself came with some issues after my divorce, I to have expressed my independence , all we ask from each other is mutual respect, after her divorce she did
nothing but busy herself with work and family, she makes me see the glass as half full
rather than half empty she now has found a balance with work and family, we have been seeing each other for about 5 mos. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:54:04 PM | I have a very rare form of cancer. I have lost alot of friends and even family. You get one shot at this life so, surround with strong people. Anyone can be around on your good days, but a real friend is one who is around on your bad days. It's up to you to choose worthy friends. If they run, it's their loss because they will miss out on a person with strong character and an amazing will to live. Cancer isn't prejudice, it's the friends and family of a cancer victims who are. Choose well Ebony and good luck! | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:55:03 PM | | I hear what you are saying. I had breast cancer 11 years ago with chem0. I also had it on my other side last summer july of 07. My friends say I should not say anything to a man unless we are starting to get serious. The same thing happened to me not on this site but another one. You start talking about this and you never hear from them again. It is hard and I hope we both find someone that will be good to us. I truly know how you feel. I have been down this road twice | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:02:58 PM | ebony no one is in perfect health!!!!!! some just look that they are ! i feel there is no need to tell a person unless it gets serious JMO
i hope your health continues to be well
~B~ | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:08:43 PM | | If you scared him off then he wasn't for you. Real love is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If they think cancer is contagious then they don't have enough brains to hold a decent conversation so you're better off skipping over them no matter how good looking they are. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:18:20 PM | I don't think you should tell someone before you meet... not because it will scare them off, but because it is too personal to discuss with someone you don't know.
People will show interest in email then disappear whether you've had cancer or not. It is the nature of online dating sites that you'll hear again and again. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:26:29 PM | | OP I think the guy did you a favor by bailing, I have dated a few women who have had various forms of cancer and have it in remission no big deal at my age 46 I'm more concerned about the personality and thing we have in common than a few scars or a past health issue I probably have more scars from all the differant accidents I've had in the past than any female does ...lol.. I have friends now that are having health issues I guess like they say you find out then who your true friends are, keep your head high and God bless | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:07:46 PM | | I was diagnosed with cancer, and given 8 to 10 months to live, then underwent a rather extensive operation with pretty slim chances. My wife of more than 15 years left me in the middle of recovering from the operation. That was 15 years ago now. It is FAR better that you get rid of the shallow people earlier than too late. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:56:53 PM | Hi Ebony -it should not matter..and if it does, then is he really worth hanging around? I am a 3-time cancer survivor, and I cannot imagine being with someone who was cowardly enough to indicate that it did matter. I may have had cancer, but it does not mean that I am any less of a woman, let alone a person. The same is true of you. We survivors are tough cookies... He must have been extraordinarily vain and insensitive...or just plain scared. Good luck to you...you will meet someone worthwhile. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:38:29 PM | who cares if you scared off a fish...and i do say a fish...there are alot of fish... we will find one when the time is right for us...never be ashamed or afraid to disclose who you are to anyone..that's the only way you will weed out the bad ones...be who you are and just what you are and what you have to offer...don't let anyone who can't handle things make you feel like less than a person... if you can get through what you've been through, a lesser person would never understand...don't short change yourself...EVER!!! | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:13:11 PM | it should not matter..and if it does, then is he really worth hanging around?
I agree some what but you are putting every one into the same basket and that is wrong the reason is some of us has been thur a teramal illness and it took years and they really dont want to go thur it again, cancer can go into remission but it can still come back and it usally does. Now if some one was to get involed with some one and they came down with cancer or some other deadly diease than they should stick by them but to expcet some one to get involed with some one that has had cancer that should be uop to them if they weant to watch another person die from a long term illnes. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:07:39 AM | Your medical hx is your own personal thing, if you wish to disclose that information I suggest you only do that when and if you are comfortable but not really right away. If a guy likes you, he will like you regardless about your past hx with any condition etc. Who cares if that guy you chat with or exchange msgs with, decided not to communicate with you, he's probably a loser anway. GOOD LUCK! HAPPY FISHING! | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:08:45 AM | ebonyeyzes and all you other ladies on this thread who are or have battled cancer,i have to say how much i admire your strength and courage.I lost my lovely mum to cancer just coming up a year ago now.I watched her fight and battle her cancer for over two years with courage and determination and she wore her scar (mastectomy)with pride.Even when she lost all her hair with the chemo she wouldn,t wear a wig but wore colourful beanie hats.I think you only need to disclose this info once you start dating someone.If they cant handle it then that is their problem and they dont deserve you.I went out with a guy 6 years ago who had a big scar down his chest from heart surgery when he was young.He saw it as a defect but i saw it as something he should be proud of for what he had overcome.I wish you and the other ladies here all the very best.Take care.
 | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:49:47 AM | Hi...
I just wanted to say -from personal experience - that I was involved with a woman who had a double mastectomy - radical - and no reconstruction. While both of us were a little nervous after we "discovered" it... it was just a.... fact, you know? It was... just what was. And - it was just .... special. Different - and not so. I hope this makes sense to you... we can talk about it more...
In short... No. And... No.
JAMES | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:07:59 AM |
but to expcet some one to get involed with some one that has had cancer that should be uop to them if they weant to watch another person die from a long term illnes.
This statement really bothers me. I think I understand what you were trying to say, but the way you said it seems really ignorant.
What I think you were saying is that it's fair to expect a long-term partner to stick by you when bad things happen, but not fair to assume that a new person in your life would want to do the same? Am I correct in that assumption?
That's all fine and dandy. Keep in mind, that i'm all for telling new people in my life about my cancer. It's a HUGE part of the person I am, and also of my daily life. I think hiding it would be ridiculous, as it's something I am incredibly proud to have beaten, and something that inspires me daily, to be a better person. Not many people my age have this perspective in their lives.
However your statement about getting involved with someone who has had cancer, and watching them die of it...is so ignorant it makes me sick. If a person has had cancer, it doesn't mean that they're going to die of cancer. Some people have surgery and never hear of it again. Some unlucky ones, like myself, have to go through many rounds of chemo and a very intense radiation, before they can be in the clear. Sometimes, it recurrs, and somtimes it does not.
While I have no problem telling people in my life about my experience with cancer, I find it offensive that someone would think that i'm somehow damaged goods because of it, or worry about getting involved with me because of it. This is like saying would not date someone with diabetes, something that is often beyond the control of the person who has it! It's just outrageous to me. Would you also ask for someone'e medical history to make sure there isn't any history of heart disease?
The thing about cancer is that it chooses it's victims at complete random. When I first got diagnosed, I asked every oncologist, neurologist, enicrynologist, etc. (anyone in a white coat, really. hehe) what caused my cancer. Each and every one of them gave me the same answer: "Bad luck." I am 23 years old, and have a cancer that, over the last 100 years, there have been less than 1500 cases of, globally. I didn't do anything to get it.
I would hope for your sake, that women are less judgemental, because when cancer chooses it's victims at random, I would be a little worried that i'd get a taste of my own attitude, one day. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:26:01 AM | First off Ebonyeyzes, Congratulations on battling this horrible disease and winning! You are awesome! You are a survivor!
Second you said:
"You don't think the guy would feel as though I had something from him or was in some way dishonest? Once his feelings are involved? "
I would say it depends on the man and the "relationship" If your just casual dating and don't see it getting serious, well then it's none of his business. On the other hand if you see some potential and you think there could be something serious developing then tell at that time. It's a need to know basis.
A REAL man with a true heart is going to be just fine with it.
Take Care
Deb | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:28:03 AM | I can understand the frustration here, but maybe it's too harsh to say "you're better off the guy left, he's shallow, etc."
More than likely he wasn't shallow, he was just afraid. It's definitely not unusual. Witness the people who get sick and suddenly friends and relatives don't want to see them. They aren't shallow, they're scared green over what's happening.
It would be pretty tough to invest yourself in a relationship if you're frightened for the mortality of the other person...not very romantic.
I'm not excusing the behaviour, just trying to understand it. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:35:50 AM | People die. My SO could get hit by a bus, or spontaneously combust at any point in time! If i'm going to live my life afraid of the possibility of losing those I care about, i'm going to be afraid all the time, don't you think?
I get what you're saying. I said in my original post that my friends took off because some people just don't know how to handle it. I don't think "shallow" is a word I would use to describe someone who chose not to date me because of my cancer. Misinformed, cowardly, silly...yeah.
I just feel like it's an unnecessary extreme. Everyone knows someone that has been taken by cancer, and ultimately, people don't see past that. They hear cancer and think death, and that's not fair to those of us who plan on surviving it. The best thing a person could do for me, would be to ask me about my cancer. Even if nothing ever came from it, i'd be thrilled that someone out there wants to educate themselves and get past the part where they think i'm a walking dead person. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:53:20 AM | Ebony..
You survived the cancer..now would you want someone that would not stand besides you?> I wouldn't...you need someone to stand beside you,not someone who would run at the first sign of trouble..you want someone who is going to love you no matter what and stick by you thru thick and thin... I would not worry about that scar honey..it is a badge of courage!!!!!!! My grandmother had cancer,as did my father...so did my best friend...I will pray that the cancer doesn't come back & that you find someone who is perfect for you!!!
God Bless  | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:13:54 AM | I've know men who've dumped their wives of many years, because they had some disease like cancer. I have also heard of women dumping men for health reasons. Unfortunately, for many people, the bonds of many relationships aren't very strong. People who love each other and have a strong committment to each other will stand beside each other through thick and thin. That's truly what relationships are about.
I'm afraid telling someone something negative about yourself at the very beginning of a relationship will likely scare them away. I think you're between a rock and a hard place in this respect. However, a scar isn't a big deal, and we are all going to die - we just don't know how soon. Maybe the cancer will come back and then again maybe it won't. I guess you'll just have to take a gamble about being honest or keeping mum.
The Eagle | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:15:21 AM | | That fish isnt worth your time. I agree he was shallow and knowing the true person inside is what keeps any worthwhile relationship going. If he couldnt handle that then the heck with him. You will find someone who understands and loves you for who you are. Dont give up. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:29:22 AM | Be totally honest. Your strength is your shield. You face it (disease) with dignity, courage, and knowledge. If a relationship has value, it will endure and your strength and his support will make it grow.
Anything else and you are cheating yourself. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:31:12 AM |
Am I paranoid? Or did I scare off the fish?
I think whether you scare someone off or not depends on who that person is. Personally, I would still be with someone who has cancer, or who might get it (my ex LTR had several pre-cancerous conditions, but that didn't affect anything for me except that I loved her even more). I WOULD appreciate knowing up front so I could make that decision, though. | |
|
| Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:31:58 AM | | No, something like that would not bother me at all, doesn't change who you are. If someone you let see or know it did turn and run then you're better off without them then. A real man would not run and certainly wouldn't let that bother him or even let it be an issue. | |
|
Home
login 
