| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:00:49 PM | Well, dude, one thing I know is that trying to program yourself to hate women will not bring you one iota of self happiness.
And, it is irksome when you get advice that is a polar opposite to who 'you ' are.
Like...You've got to go out and work the room, babe, flash yourself around. That's probably not you. So get to know you..what you like...maybe to read...work out,..sometimes, just working in my yard all day is very satisfying.
So, the real key is to recognize the authentic you...and honor it. Certain behaviours can be changed...such as negativity...which i hear in you. Try to catch yourself when you are doing that....and turn it around. In other words, go easier on yourself, we are our own harshest critic, yes?
And it is true, I agree that waiting for the 'if only's' to kick in will just make the road seem longer than it truly is.
Today is all you have, so take it one step at a time, brother....
you can do it...and not be lonely....lose some self pity...and you never know what the Universe has in store for youl
Best to You
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Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:07:30 PM | | u need to enjoy being with yourself...if you feel you can only get thru life with someone else as your anchor you will be a very disssapointed person thru life..sure having a 'good' relationship is a positive thing in life but some ppl are in relationships and still feel alone..who'd want that? | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:20:58 AM | Hey! I'm trying the exact same thing myself after coming the the realization that most of my life (and I"m a bit older than you... ) has been spent trying to get out of diastrous relationships that made me miserable... WHY would I ever want to go back??? So.. let me know how the CBT goes and if you have great success, I would love to know!
Cheers and good luck with it! | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:08:50 PM | When I first got divorced I hated the thought of being by myself....and one night,a typical weekday I caught myself switching the TV to something he always watched & I hated...then I thought,,wait a minute!!! I can watch whatever I want to...I can roam,,I have the control of the remote...lol...I can do whatever I want to and not have anyone tell me any different..then i started to drag out things I had forgotten HOW TO ENJOY,like my crafts,quilting,gardening...etc...and I also had to learn to like myself again...I found out that kind of liked not being "someones wife" or "old lady'..you are learning to be you all over again..then you will find as you grow more comfortable with yourself and get to know who you are again,,then branch out and maybe ask a lady out on a date...I took a looonnggg break from dating,and actually enjoyed my time alone!!! You can enjoy being alone again,believe me,,,been there...done that!!!
God Bless
&
Good Luck!!!
Kaci Jo | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:26:39 PM | Thanks for the input akimbo.
I've never once said I'm going to try and make myself hate women though.
So.. let me know how the CBT goes and if you have great success, I would love to know!
Cheers and good luck with it!
Will do. I'll either make a post in this topic or I'll send you a PM. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:16:30 PM | I'm learning the same process as yourself. I think it takes alot of mental conditioning and hardening of your heart. I am trying to enjoy being alone myself, it's not an easy ride, everyone is so bent up on relationships are the way but I think they are overrated especially in our materialistic culture.
You have to be prepared to become a somewhat cold person, what you are doing is almost desensitizing yourself to those good romantic feelings. But good feelings can come in many other ways, money, success a good career, doing a hobby. I guess you can liken it to training your mind as an athlete would train his/her bidy for competition except here you are training yourself to suppress the desire to be with someone.
This is hard to do I know because I'm trying to do it myself, you come to a point where that desire to be with someone just goes away and you slowly start becoming content with who you are and the fact that you are alone. 1 think you have to remember, don't let people tell you that relationships are " the way" you dont need a relationship to make you happy, only you know what makes you happy. In short if you really want to quell the desire you need to harden your heart and become slightly cold, thats the tradeoff unfortunately. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:29:04 PM | ^^^i do not agree that you have to "harden you heart and become slightly cold" to live without being in a romantic relationship.
but i do agree that "you slowly start becoming content with who you are "
and with that you come to know that your happiness and love truly comes from within you.
if anything, living alone allows your heart to open wider and expand to include you!!
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 7:53:13 PM | Listen to sentinel. He seems to know what he's talking about.
Hating women or anyone for that matter is not healthy. It will make you a hateful person. Someone no one wants to be around. Instead, focus on what makes you happy. I think you sound confused. You don't want to get in a serious relationship and marriage is out. But you aren't happy being alone. First figure out what you do want. Then go for it.
I was married for 10 years and it was so rough the first year after we separated. I thought I'd never be happy being on my own. I was wrong. I learned to cope. And actually enjoy my freedom now. There are some lonely days, but the good days outweigh the bad. I've grown stronger because of it.
Best of Luck!! | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:39:16 PM | | well you are going from wanting to be with someone to attempting to realize and live with the posible fact that you will be alone. If being with someone made you happy then its hard to replace that with other things. The transitionary period is the hardest, hardening your heart a little ( im not saying to the point of pure hatred) makes you a little tougher and resistant to emotional pitfalls. I think once you've conditioned yourself in that sense you can be content being alone | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:18:03 PM | ALONENESS IS NOT LONELINESS
Many people are not aware of the real difference between aloneness and loneliness.
They mistakenly believe they are two words for the same condition. In reality the two
conditions are worlds apart.
Aloneness is the basis of our greatest strength; loneliness is a sign of our greatest
weakness. Aloneness is the mark of emotional maturity. Loneliness is the unmistakable
stamp of the immature.
Loneliness is the emptiness felt by a leaning, dependent individual when he has no one on
whom to lean for comfort, entertainment or support. The dependent person has not learned
how to occupy himself in any interesting, productive manner. He constantly seeks someone
who will amuse, divert, distract and reassure him, so that he will not become aware of his
inability to face the world alone. In short, he seeks a baby-sitter. He has not trained himself
to invent activity of his own, to build, to make or to discover, explore and improvise in the
world around him. He seeks someone to take him by the hand and lead him into greener
pastures of enjoyment. When he cannot find someone who will make him the centre of their
support and attention, he comes into contact with a deep and abiding loneliness.
These individuals usually find it difficult to establish any healthy, enduring relationships.
Because they are so non-productive and shallow in their lives, others find them boring
companions and avoid them at all cost. They demand so much and give so little back. As a
result they are thrown back upon themselves, which simply reinforces their loneliness. But
since they lack the basic amount of self-reliance, their situation does not improve.
Aloneness, on the other hand, is very much like the stars coming out at night. We are
unaware of our inner voice while our ears are filled with the clatter of outside voices just
as we are unable to see the stars against the midday sun. The mature individual has
learned to close his ears to conflicting voices outside himself and to listen to the sound
of is own inner world.
Aloneness is the independent inner life when we have finally closed off to the competing
voices of those who wish to influence us and our own desire to influence them in return.
When we have let go of our own possessiveness, our desire to compete, dominate and
exploit, our need for recognition and the other remnants of childhood, then the inner voice
is quite clear and a whole new world opens up inside us.
Everything comes to life and has a nature of its own. We can see directly into it without
any desire to distort, improve, modify or change the outside world at all. We can see it for
what it really is, without any stardust in our eyes to blind us.
Aloneness, then, is a fullness of spirit that knows no feeling of want or poverty. Fullness
is complete. Loneliness is an empty world of seeking for outside fires to warm us. It is the
child who has lost his parents in a crowd and is terrified by his lack of knowing what to do.
Isn't it strange how two words that sound so much alike should point to such vastly different
situations? It is only at the action level that we see the true distinction.
JR | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:26:19 PM | Many times in a marriage we forget what "we" wanted in life and compromised for the family. Slow down and take one day at a time. Get your self financially stable, get close to God, seek good moral friends, and plan for YOUR future without anyone involved, if you find someone, icing on the cake.
I have zero stress at home now and it will always stay that way. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:08:01 AM | Masturbation.
But dont resign yourself to being alone. You wanna be with someone? you gotta man up, you gotta be brave. if your afraid of rejection you wont find anyone, but if your an arrogant jerk, you will. Be confident and you can bag some skank, no doubt. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:54:08 AM | Where on earth are people getting the idea that I want to hate women from? Bizarre.
You don't learn to enjoy it..you learn to live with it.
How do I do that?
I'm learning the same process as yourself. I think it takes alot of mental conditioning and hardening of your heart. I am trying to enjoy being alone myself, it's not an easy ride, everyone is so bent up on relationships are the way but I think they are overrated especially in our materialistic culture.
You have to be prepared to become a somewhat cold person, what you are doing is almost desensitizing yourself to those good romantic feelings. But good feelings can come in many other ways, money, success a good career, doing a hobby. I guess you can liken it to training your mind as an athlete would train his/her bidy for competition except here you are training yourself to suppress the desire to be with someone.
This is hard to do I know because I'm trying to do it myself, you come to a point where that desire to be with someone just goes away and you slowly start becoming content with who you are and the fact that you are alone. 1 think you have to remember, don't let people tell you that relationships are " the way" you dont need a relationship to make you happy, only you know what makes you happy. In short if you really want to quell the desire you need to harden your heart and become slightly cold, thats the tradeoff unfortunately.
I don't think I'll have to harden my heart/become cold, what I'm going to do is apply the CBT techniques that I've learnt to this aspect. I'm going to write down on a piece of paper all the really unappealing and negative things about women, and also write that I don't want a woman and that I don't need one, I will read this everyday, and whenever I get thoughts about wanting a woman, having sex or whatever I will let go of them as quickly as I can, hopefully this will reprogram my brain so I really do find women unappealing and will not have any desire to have one or to have sex with one, and would actually rather be alone and not have sex. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:29:41 AM | | Maybe you could try to become someone that you feel comfortable with. Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Hell people can be lonely in a relationship. You have a clean slate so get out there and write on it. Join a gym or a running club, do volunteer work, get a part time job, join a church, become active in your community. Do all of those and it will give you some new circles of friends. Hang out with your buds. If you don't want to be alone then don't be. The only person who can fix this is you. You either want to or you don't. I challenge you to quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit substituting electronics for friends, and start living your life. You only get one go round. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:36:10 AM | Just to clarify I mean being alone as in not having a girlfriend/partner, heck even having dates.
There's times where I really crave giving and recieving physical touch with a woman. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:52:30 AM | Hi. i think you have to realize that, as does everyone..including myself..that you never really are alone..there are so many people going through similar things..I read through some of the responses and I'm sure I'm repeating something someone else said, but as you can see, we are all telling you that your not alone...we are here..others are around, it may not be perfect relationship time, but maybe its time for self reflection and growth for you instead...whicht is kind of what I feel is happening to me right now. I would love to find a great relationship again, but I'm more careful and cautious then I ever was before...and with every relationship I have, I get more cautious and a little more selective in certain traits and not so selective in other traits...the huge thing for me is finding someone who is on the same path and shares similarities that I look for in friends and in a relationship...
Well thats kinds of how I feel...I speak my thoughts and feelings and if others don't share them then thats okay, but if you do and they help, then thats great. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:03:49 AM | You list your interests as: weightlifting, beer, food, videogames, the net and sattalitte TV.
If I spent a lot of time playing videogames, surfing the net and watching TV while drinking beer I'd be bummed about my life too. These are fun hobbies, but I think you need to get up and go outside. (meant in a teasing way)
Even weight lifting is a fairly introverted activity. I am actually very introverted. I have to make myself do things that put me out and about with other people and I do it because I know that, as much as I enjoy my own company, too much alone time will bring me down. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:11:05 AM | Hi there, 
I think everyone goes through this at some point but I found that taking the time to really get to know yourself and figuring out who you really are (and pls don't ask me HOW exactly to do this, but it can be done) helps a lot. I had to do this after my divorce (from an abusive guy on top of it) cuz I knew that before I could be with someone else, I had to be ok with being alone. But don't give up on the idea of being with someone! You are a great-looking guy and I'm sure you have a lot to offer but until you can be fine with who you are by yourself, I don't think you can bring nearly as much to a relationship. In my case, I tended to settle for guys that weren't right for me just to "be" with someone and that's just ridiculous. So, I would take some time, really think about what you want in life, your hopes, expectations of yourself and a partner, and relax a little. You WILL find the right person-probably when you least expect it. Hope this helps, and if you ever wanna talk, feel free to message me.
Hugs, 
Dawn | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:27:58 AM | I think a very huge part of this is recognizing and appreciating the blessings you have and finding things to do that make you happy whether it is volunteering, taking a class; doing things without the notion in the back of your head that you are waiting for someone to do it with.
Not only will you find a way to be happy alone, but you will probably attract someone to your life because you are not waiting to have one. You will also find that even if you do not have that significant other in your life, you are not alone, you are surrounded by the people you chose to spend time with because you like them and they are decent people.
You also need to recognize that how and what your life is now is impermanent. You are sitting here at 32 figuring out how to learn to live with being alone as if that is going to be the state of the rest of your existence. Given current averages, you are looking at another 40-50 years on the planet. Not only do you have time to find someone eventually that really suits you, you will likely have a long time with that person because that person will be the right one, not just someone, because you recognize that you would rather be along than with the wrong person.
Grow a little patience and let life unfold while you are exploring yourself. Do you know who you are? Do you know what you would like to do? Are there things you didn't do because you were in relationships? Find JOY and make it an integral part of your life. Volunteer to help kids, who are ill or have no good male role models in their lives. You may find that giving to other people changes your world because you really do get so much more in return. | |
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