| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:37:05 AM | Learning to be happy dosn't mean you don't want someone else in your life. For me
it has met stop being so consumed that I can't see that life is going on right now in
front of me.
One of my greatest strengts is my faith in God. I have made certain decisions ahead
of time , like he won't be a smoker, do drugs and we will go to church together. It keeps me from going off in a lot of crazy useless directions. It has also given me a lot of peace because I have accepted that I can't remake someone else but I know, finally
who I want to be.
PS You are a young and nice looking man. Don't trash your camel. LOL
Your day will come just make sure you have gotten to know you and that you are ready. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:40:20 AM | I've been thinking about this discussion and wanted to add something. I think it would become more clear if you studied Darwin. I think our species is hardwired biologically to stive toward partnership in order to perpetuate the species. This overrides intellectual reasoning (ex.. "I already have three kids.. I'm not having any more"). As long as one is still biologically fertile, there is something that keeps the feeling of "wanting someone "alive. I have read that it becomes easier, esp for women, when that period of their life is over.
So, I agree with all of the previous posters - you need to feel content within yourself and not be looking for someone to complete you (ignore 65% of the love songs ever written...). BUT I think there is something intrinsic... even in people who are very happy in their own skin and like spending time along and having freedom, that makes people still, even if on a very low level, yearn for that connection with another person. If people truly stopped looking, sites like this wouldn't exist. So many of the people here say they are not here because they are afraid to be alone, they enjoy being alone, they have great lives (admitting that you are lonely or even scarred from previous relationships just makes you shark bait) ... but still... here is this site... with a gazillion users all over the world. Right... the attraction is the forums. Sorry.. forgot that part ;).
One other point - I think that we live in a "couples society". I go out by myself a lot - out to theatre, out to dinner, whatever and I observe people. You don't see a lot of other people totally alone. Now, granted, there are often people that travel around in herds. But if you are not really an extrovert wanting a big group of friends... or if all your friends are in couples... you end up being alone. That is when I feel it most. I have a lot of interests, hobbies, friends, work that I feel is important... I don't feel "lonely"... except when I go out alone to places where everyone else seems to be "with" someone. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:50:26 AM | Thank's for the compliments autum dancer.
Lol, what do you mean by trashing my camel?
Runningmom, yeah I agree with you about the couples thing, I see them everywhere whenever I go out, they're in nearly every TV advert, and in loads of advertisments in the newspapers, just can't get away from it. It used to really get to me a few years back, but for some reason it doesn't really effect me anymore. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:56:24 AM | | You can enjoy being alone and still get lonely. They just get used to it I guess and that's sad. It's like you've given up. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:56:03 PM | | you are right on. i had a great marriage and have been a widow for 8 years--enuff of the liking yourself crap. many of these people evidently came out of bad situations and i can understand their desire for freedom. but our situation was very good and i would like to have that again. who really wants to travel alone--not me. i don't want to be my best friend and i am hobbied out. i am not looking for someone to take care of me and be my housekeeper--i have a cleaning lady for that--and i don't mind eating out.i am looking for a like-minded companion/lover to share the rest of my life with and t o love one another and make each other as happy as we can. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:01:21 PM | | Hi Ross, you know our attitudes and feelings show all over us,we give off a vibe to the people we meet, via our energy and our body language.Do you think if our mental condition, was one of joy, gratitude, love and peace, that this would make a difference to how people see us and treat us. Noone likes being around miserable people, they avoid them. If your thoughts are self defeating, hopeless and self denigrating, well people pick up on this.Instead of trying to get to know others, look in the mirror and get to know yourself.Examine your thoughts, are they in fact correct or the result of disappointment and hurt. You can control your thoughts and change them.If you can think you will always be alone, you can also think you will meet the right person.Its just a thought both times, why not choose the positive one.Gratitude is never mentioned now but its good to list all the things to be grateful for, starting with your health.Live in the now , experience fully each act and event in your life, while it is occurring.The time I spend alone I cherish as it is when I write and paint.Yes I feel alone at times and would like a similar type person to love, but I am not prepared to settle or compromise, what I want, just to have someone.Learn to value your alone time, as when you have a family- and you will, there are wise and discerning women out there- it will be scarce indeed.Whats the point of being with someone for the sake of it, to be like everyone else. Be with someone for the right reasons, because they are right for you.Relax be at peace, embrace life and the joy of living and you will attract Miss right into your life.Someone who wants a guy just like you. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:02:47 PM | Ross:
Listen to Valdy. You just can't help but feel better.
By the way - thanks for asking this question. I've thought about it a lot over the weekend (maybe you can tell..) and it has been good for me. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:34:36 PM | I feel for you Ross but you will still feel lonely in a crowd of people if you are not happy with yourself. That is my experience. Depression kicks people when they are down which makes it tough to get up but getting up and doing something is the only way to have a chance of feeling better. I 'm sorry you feel alone or lonely. Getting off of the computer is a start. I recently got sucked in. But hey it works for some.
Wish you well! | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:17:57 PM | Well Ive been single now properly for about 16 months. Before that I was constntly in relationships and though I have dated a bit since its actually my choice to end things cos now I prefer being in my own company.
I never thought I could get like that and actually I dont think its neccesarily a good thing cos now I cant be bothered.
I please myself in my life. I do as I wish on my terms. When I was livng people and in long term relationships life was filled with domesticity and trying to make a nice life for two etc. Now I choose, when I want to eat, what I want to eat, I can stay up till dawn now on laptop if I want to or party all night. I have no one to answer to and I must admit that suits me!
If I want to date I date. On my own terms and I think the key is to fill life up with your interests however why do you want to be alone? I mean its no all its cracked up to be believe me lol | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:50:07 AM | | Hey Diablera Bruja. I don't know why you really believe I'll have a family. I know 100% that I wont for 2 reasons, 1. I'll never get anyone, and I don't even think I want anyone anymore anyway, and 2. I really really do not want kids. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:53:44 AM | this probably doesn't make much sense but....
We're a lot like escalators- (hear me out)
When everything's going great and we have a partner, the motor's running and everythings on the up..
But when suddenly you become single you have to put more effort in and 'walk up the stairs' if you will.
Escalators can never break, they become stairs, so you can still get to where you're going.
I think people may think I'm a bit mental, but I had an overwhelming compulsion to write that... anyway | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:58:33 AM | ^ Like something out of a James Bond movie, all of the steps on my stairs have dropped down so it's become a slope, so I can't do anything but slide back down to the bottom.
PS, It's cool that you're moving to Canada, I'd love to move there or to the US, I'm not too keen on the UK. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:15:31 AM | haha- this is turning into a logical challenge...
Thanks man, yeah I'm glad I'm going too, great boarding over there.. and chicken wings, root beer, Coors, Barbeques on the Deck, Sunday night racing (turn left lol), and the great summers. Can't wait! | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:18:57 AM | | You learn to adapt to being alone. Some of us have been alone for so long that you end up being very independent. There is no magical formula, and sometimes not a choice. | |
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kat2k8
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Joined: 4/22/2008
Msg: 70 | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:38:31 PM | I love the escalator and walking up the stairs analogy! It's great....only thing is I'd add all the other perspectives - you can go down as well and still get somewhere and it's easier than going up. And who's to say which is which? Sometimes taking it easy and riding the escalator reflects when we're not in a relationship - as some relationships are a constant struggle and you keep getting pushed back and never really move forward - like trying to go up on an escalator that's coming down.....when you're not going with the flow, basically.
OP, I've read all your posts and I am getting the feeling you have given up and refuse to come out of that mental and emotional space you are presently in.
Many here have written you wonderful suggestions and I hardly see you grabbing at any of them with any sort of hope or positive feeling at all.
If you are determined to stay in the doldrums, for sure you will.
If you are suffering from being perhaps depressed, then it might be an idea to go seek counselling to see if you can get to the heart of why your balloon deflated and no amount of air you are receiving in this thread is making any difference - almost like there's a hole in your balloon....so nothing coming in can stay there with you. And all air within you has escaped out.
If you're not in a diagnostically depressed state, then I would say, it's time to stop all your self pity and hopelessness. You really do have that choice. You always have that choice to see things in a positive light, or you can choose to continue to let your negative state become such a dense fog that you can't even see the light.
If you're not diagnostically depressed, the view can really clear just by blowing away the mist - and that mist that is presently in you I suspect is protecting you from pain you imagine will strike again if you open your heart any more. But while your heart is firmly shut, you can't feel the love for yourself. And only you can do that. Are you ready to change your state now? Or are you more attached to your helplessness and hopelessness? It really can be as easy as your choice. Change your mind, change your thoughts and your whole outlook will change....which means your life will change for you will be seeing it with different eyes. Take the blindfold off. For there is much wonder to behold. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:56:36 PM | I have never thought of "enjoy being alone" as something to take literally. No you don't have to be alone. You DO have to escape NEEDINESS.
When you're emotionally needy you feed off of someone else for your self-esteem. Not good.
"Enjoying being alone" really means "not needing someone else in order to feel good about yourself."
I don't think we were born to live alone, not at all. "Enjoy being a hermit"? Only if your personality disorders make it necessary. But not feeling good about yourself unless it is basking in the glow of someone else's viewing you as a desirable partner? That's no good.
And if you do have that problem, there's lots of help for it that doesn't involve screwing up in relationships. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:58:12 PM | | As soon as you realize how many people are in dead-end and miserable relationships, being alone becomes a much more attractive option.. | |
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| How do I learn to enjoy being alone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:02:02 PM | OPie, several here are guessing about the one thing you have deliberately not told us. I don't see that anyone has asked you either, so I will.
What has persuaded you that you want to feel no desire for touch, let alone sex? You imply that you are undesirable for some reason. If that's it, or anything like that, then be sure to describe the reasons in detail. Otherwise, none of us know really what you're talking about.
I gather from your intention to self-therap yourself that you want to avoid revealing yourself to a professional therapist. My guess - we're all guessing, remember? - is that you don't feel safe letting anyone into your head, that it's not only about women.
But, regardless, you're a bit foolish to expect cognitive therapy to neutralize primary biological urges, physical urges. A professional understands this difference that you, apparently, don't.
BTW, why aren't you making a list of all the things that are wrong with you, since you can actually do something about those? All this together suggests strongly to me that you are furiously evading your real problems, whatever they are.
Cheers! (really)
Vulf 
Oh! Almost forgot. The way to be happy, alone or together, is to be passionate and act on your passion. Which, I suppose I should make clear, means passionately interacting with the world around you. Ain't no happy hidey-hole. | |
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