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| A choice
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:35:29 AM | | If i'd had a choice i wouldn't be a single parent. Ok yes i cope but it is hard, you don't realised how much your partner actually does until they leave. If being together is affecting the children then yes you should split up but children still need both parents in their lives. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:34:52 AM | I would take a lot more involvement from Dad. I basically parent 90%, he contributes money and has final veto on any major decisions.
The main thing I look for in a relationship is another trusted adult to talk to. It's fun when I'm on my own making all the decisions, but then when the Ex shows up for a week visit and we can actually discuss things, it makes it a lot easier. Even if part of his contribution is to criticize me . . . I hate it in the moment, but later, you just take it as constructive criticism, and I need that.
I'm glad he does what he does, and I would like him to do more (like pack up her little duds and take care of her for a week or two). I would also like a Significant other to speak up regarding the care and growth of the child. Again, it can be threatening, but just listen for the good ideas. Anything that complements my style and doesn't conflict with it can be a good idea. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:36:10 AM | yabbdabbadoo writes:
I wonder what it would take for us to reach out compassionately to people who are suffering with addictions to substances and who may be suffering mental illness - or at least to find it in our hearts not to crucify them for their weaknesses? We are all imperfect and for every stone we can throw, a dozen more could be heaped upon any one of us. (MY QUOTE)
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This is much easier said than done... especially since he wishes me dead and has told me so on a semi regular basis (and there are days I think similar thoughts).
Nobody asked if it was hard or easy - but rather what it would take for us to reach out "compassionately".
My former spouse was never so cooperative with me as when I had to put her in a legal head lock and get the honorable judge presiding to write specifics into our order which tied my former spouse into a position where she could no longer afford to act like an insufferable b*tch. Now, however, after the legal tune-up, she is an absolute angel and suddenly we are both working towards the best interest of the child.
From a grown-up perspective shouldn't we always try to reach out in compassion? Isn't that the base line for a democratic if not civilized society? *
*The answer to both questions is "yes".
meteor 54 wrote:
I just do not want my children in cars driven by intoxicted drivers; nor do I want them hanging around with dad at a dealers house on 4/20. I know I am far from perfect Yabba's quote.
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Exactly. Save a kid! People forget that not all dads are responsible human beings.
Wrong, you castrating, man hating shrew, what people forget is that not all women are decent responsible human beings (until they are on the evening news for strangling their kids; backing their SUV over their kids; drowning their kids; or dumping their new borns into dumpsters at birth).
See - ALL WE HEAR ABOUT is how dads are irresponsible human beings, as if the system pretends we are human beings at all. It is a propaganda campaign of lies intended to fund shalters and to continue to control our poplucae by emasculating America!
In fact we stripoped of our children and all dignity, we are broken financially and made into long distance paychecks, and then when the house of cards folds we are branded DEADBEATS and we are always assumed to be the victimizers and somehow vaguely menacing so that the system can then subsidize the woman and give her welfare carte blanche.
So your pissing and whining about how "Not All Dads" are this and "Oh Poor Me" that is utter rubbish and frankly quite an embarassment.
If you made a baby with a man, then decided after the fact that the biological father was an inconvenience to your all important life – don’t point fingers and act like you are Mother Theresa for cashing in on the poor bastards bad decision to bed you. The dad is not entirely to blame because and to act like he is - that just goes to show how f***ed up you really are to begin with.
This whole thread was predicated by the notion that we are dealing with two healthy individuals with a kid or kids. If you want to make it about you and how horrible your man was to you then please don’t drag the rest of us down into your hell with you.
Most fathers today are perfect models of exemplary behavior. Yet there are still undereducated, overpampered woman who want to futher the gender bias of the system (which we are presently dismantling and reconfiguring to make it more fair to us men).
If you are part of the problem - then you cannot be part of the solution.
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| A choice
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:52:35 AM | I have sole custody of my children, and while I have only had that on paper since xmas, in reality I have been doing things on my own since I left their dad 7 years ago. In some ways it is much easier to be the only decision makers, what church, what education, bedtimes, curfews, even what is an acceptable way to dress, act watch on tv etc. On the other hand I never have a break, so if it was shared parenting it would be easier in that regard, knowing the other parent is there to step in when we need it and vice versa. For example, my 2 oldest are hitting puberty early, which means for lots of dramatics and mood swings, it would be great to have a relationship with the other parent that allowed us to tag team when they are having all that attitude etc. Also to have them understand their dad is behind me 100% not just absent. It would be easier for the children I am sure if we had shared parenting as I know they don't know their dad, they have lots of questions and they tend to glorify him where as I am bad cop all the time. I may be the one who is always there for them, but I am also the one that makes them do their schoolwork, makes them eat their veggies, holds them down so the dentist can treat their teeth, grounds them for bad behaviour etc so in that regard it is no where near easier.
Over all I do think it is easier to do everything alone IF the alternative is dealing with an argumentative person who's motives are hurting you as opposed to what's best for the children. Where he will disagree with everything you say just to have a reason to fight kwim. Otherwise, I think having a shared parenting situation where both parents are doing everything they can to make the best situation for the children is way easier in the long run. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:55:58 PM | | For those of you who are doing it completely on your own, where do you seek support? Do you get a break? I'm interested in your support network and how you developed it. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:42:52 PM | I have a shared paranting plan with my ex regarding out three year old son and let me tell you I WOULD RATHER DO IT ON MY OWN! Dont get me wrong Im glad he is a part of our childs life but with our current plan of two weeks on two weeks off it makes it hard. I am sure my ex would probably agree. I have been offered jobs out of state that would be a huge benefit to me and our son but I cant except them as I cant move far enough away that it would change the paranting plan or make it hard on my ex to pick up his son...like 1700 miles...lol. Also I had our son completely potty trained by the time he turned two however, my ex and his mother didnt feel the importance of this I guess and in the last year I have had to potty train him 6 times altogether. It goes like this...he picks him up and he is wearing big boy undies....I pick him up and he is in a diaper...NOT EVEN A PULL UP! I also would say that I am a stricter than my ex...I am raising a man not a child....so I dont go for rudeness, backtalking, or for that matter slapping your mother. My ex doesnt see this either as every two weeks I have to teach my son that its not alright to hit me or anyone else for that matter.
Things like this are what makes it hard. I wouldnt however change the fact that his dad is in his life on a regular basis as I feel every child needs that! Its important to know who you are and that side of the family (being the other parents family). I only wish that my ex would be a little more cooperative in the raising of his son...at least meet me in the middle....work with me on the potty training, slapping, etc. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:29:57 PM | | My ex shacked up with a dealer, so am happy to have parented all on my own with out help. Sure would have been nice to get a break at times, but not in this situation, thats for sure! | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:07:55 PM |
or if you think it would be easier to just do it all on your own and not have to consider the other parent in making decisions, spending time, etc.
I think it depends on the parent , for me it's much easier to do it on my own.. But in this case it appears I have to share somewhat for my daughters sake. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:37:52 PM | "I wonder what it would take for us to reach out compassionately to people who are suffering with addictions to substances and who may be suffering mental illness - or at least to find it in our hearts not to crucify them for their weaknesses? We are all imperfect and for every stone we can throw, a dozen more could be heaped upon any one of us."
What is the big mystery? What it would take would be time away from you focusing on your kids. adults make their own decisions about addictions in the onset. Like many others, I had kids to raise who didnt ask to be here, i didnt have the time or energy to deal with an addict for an ex on top of the bazillion other things going on with the kids. compassion only goes so far, until you turn into a doormat. And then the kids are lookin at you like " hey mom, just who is your priority here?? us or dad the drunk/dope fiend?
If i am supposed to take into account the feelings on matters about the kids, from someone who cant or wont, take control of his own life, please do tell me again how its beneficial for the kids to let a doped up lunatic have decision making privaledges about children when they cant make decent decisions for themselves?
addiction is a s.o.b. that is messed up for the everyone. at some point you have to just leave the addict to their substance of choice and walk away. doing so is not crucifying anyone for being weak, its self preservation on your part. I have the choice to continue in that nonsence or walk away, i chose to walk away. I flatly refused to allow my kids to be raised in that environment .
one of the key steps, is to admit you are powerless over your addiction,,, same goes for the ppl who are your circle, they are powerless over it too. Plus its his problem, not mine. his choice, his decision, his fallout, his every last stupid distructive thing.
And yes it hurts the kids to see their dad that way, but it has a lesser impact if they dont have to live with the catastrophy that is his life, or deal with it themselves on a daily basis. Since one of the key elements to raising kids effectively is a secure environment, then getting the drug culture out of their lives is necessary. Its bad enough they have to live with the knowledge, they dont have to live with the daily chaos too. childhood should not be a sentence of your parents mistakes and poor choices. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/16/2008 11:33:36 PM | | Really, single parenting is one of the hardest things people can do. I would never "prefer" to do it on my own, but did it and would do it all over again. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 1:04:52 AM |
This whole thread was predicated by the notion that we are dealing with two healthy individuals with a kid or kids. If you want to make it about you and how horrible your man was to you then please don’t drag the rest of us down into your hell with you.
I think you may have confused this thread with another... and besides which it does not really matter. Not every single parent lived that ideal; does that mean we do not get to voice our opinions based on our life?? This is an open forum and once a thread is started the OP has no control or say in who posts what.
As another poster so eloquently stated elsewhere "We can not know who the person we marry will become... however many years down the road"
I fully understand that not all moms are good for thier kids either; that is honestly what I had meant to say... except I forgot an all important "not" in my last post. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:21:20 AM | It's what I'm doing, and not much of a choice in the initial decision. Stay in a new city with no job, no place to live, no family or friends, no support, no money just so I could share parenting with the man that essentially turned his back on us... or move with the kids to a place that I knew I could have those things. Their security comes first.
It IS easier for me to just do it. Hell... I was doing it on my own while I was married anyway. Now I don't have to put up with his BS.
It's also terribly exhausting as well, but I'd still make the same decision if I were to go back and have the ability to choose again. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:18:23 AM |
For those of you who are doing it completely on your own, where do you seek support? Do you get a break? I'm interested in your support network and how you developed it.
(Again, I've always - since early pregnancy six years ago - been an entirely solo parent.) I have daycare during the working day and several times a month go to lunch with friends to rejuvenate. I also take advantage of childcare at my gym, and a babysitting trade with another mom, for some "me" time. In a pinch (like a great, "sitter-worthy" second date!) I pay for a sitter.
That takes care of physical breaks. For emotional support, I have wonderful friends - and my daughter - who thoughtfully, regularly, give me positive feedback about my parenting.
It's a great life, frankly. If I had the opportunity to re-do my life I'd skip the marriage/divorce entirely and go straight to solo parenthood!  | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:05:36 AM |
I guess I’m trying to ask if it’s easier to “share” the parenting duties, time, etc, at whatever level you are currently sharing, or if you think it would be easier to just do it all on your own and not have to consider the other parent in making decisions, spending time, etc.
As a widowed dad,, I never got to share parenting,, I have been doing it on my own sense my son was 13 mo. old.. I always thought I would share.. I thought it would be fun, rewarding,, To share in those special moments.
When it's all said and done,, I think / I know I would have liked it,,
The other part of the question, I have no idea if it would be easier,, but I would say yes.. But then again, I really don't find it difficult, it is not the child that makes life hard at times,, it really is what we adults are willing to accept, whether we are in control of our lives,, it is where our heart is,, I know raising my son alone has been a wonderful experience..I do regret, or it saddens me that there isn't a woman in my sons life,, because I know women have a lot to offer a child,, as do men..
For those of you who are doing it completely on your own, where do you seek support? Do you get a break? I'm interested in your support network and how you developed it.
That support thing,, dam that would be nice.. Like one poster said,,I have no family that helps,, my friends, well, they are male,, and just don't get it,, (that's ok though)
I live in a very small town,, child care is non existent for the most part,, I go out about 1 night a mo.. when my neighbors daughter doesn't have plans with her boyfriends or some school sports activity.. There goes my social life down the tubes,,LOL..
Now this is just an opinion,, But I think single woman have it just a little easier when it comes to child care,, and getting a break..why that is,, basically before your divorce, widowed, or separation from your boy friend,, woman normally hang out with other woman with children, with out there partner.. what the men were doing I have no clue,, Woman plan birthday parties, etc,, and their spouses just show up.. etc etc..
Now here is why I think it may be easier,, woman have already established a support group with other woman through their friendships..,, when many men when they hung out,, their kids were not involved.. (sad yes)... So as a man,, I didn't establish close friendships with other woman,, (because I was married)..
All my male friends would cringe, if I asked for help with my son,, but a woman would gladly help out.. therefore woman have more female friends to ask for help,, and men have more male friends,, who wouldn't even have a clue how to help even if they wanted to..
what I said above does not apply to all men and woman ,, just a view of mine through personal experience.. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 4:24:56 PM | Wrong, you castrating, man hating shrew,
please refrain from name calling and please remain on topic. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/17/2008 5:03:24 PM |
For those of you who are doing it completely on your own, where do you seek support? Do you get a break? I'm interested in your support network and how you developed it.
I don't have a big support network. My family helps me out when they can but they have their own lives to live, they don't need to be worried about mine. As grandparents, aunts and uncles etc they like to spend time with my kids one-on-one, so even if they take one child over night or for teh weekend I still have 3 more at home so it is not like I get a break that way. BEcause I work from home and homeschool my kids I never get a break until about 2 am when they are all sleeping, and the chores around the house are done for the night. My main support netwrok is actually online, where I can post when something great happens, or I can post when I need a moment to vent before getting back down to business when I have a moment in the day. | |
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| A choice
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:26:59 AM | From a grown-up perspective shouldn't we always try to reach out in compassion? Isn't that the base line for a democratic if not civilized society? *
actually the base line for a democratic and civilized society is to respect the right to chose for ones self.
it has nothing to do with compassion. compassion requires one to help the person or support them thru their difficulty.
if you seriously expect those of us who dont have "father knows best" for an ex to have one iota of compassion for him, you have seriously unreasonable expectations.
and thirdly, please do qualify the following with an UNBIASED source:
"Most fathers today are perfect models of exemplary behavior. "
when i say "unbiased" i mean a link that isnt motivated by "fathers rights" or anything similar. If you cant provide an unbiased source, then your argument is lost.
key tip here,, when a sentence starts with "most" there is usually no actual evidence to back up the claim. | |
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