| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:44:39 PM |
So,if you are fearful of being widowed, having to care for an ill spouse, or having your partner just up and leave you for whatever reason, then don't seek a committed relationship.
Yes indeed - and if you seek a committed relationship, show enough caring to tell your partner everything about yourself - so that s/he can enter the relationship having made their decision freely and fully informed. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:45:35 PM | You know.. sometimes when a woman starts a thread .. the same thing happens to her from the males contributing. this your only contribution to this thread and it appears you are trying to ridicule and insult those that have differing opionions than yours. You even put down your own gender and accuse them of "ad hominem arguments" You sir, appear to be no better than those you chastise.
Huge assumption on your part. I have been posting in this thread from around the sixth page, if you care to look back. I just don't buy the faulty reasoning that has been tossed out there to justify her actions.
You even put down your own gender and accuse them of "ad hominem arguments"
Yup, no one can accuse me of being a hypocrite. By the way, the ad hominem arguments are primarily used by female posters.
And yes, the personal attacks on an OP does happen "sometimes" when a woman starts a thread, but it is almost guaranteed when a man starts one. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:53:44 PM | ^^^ I read back... and my apologies for your missed earlier posts.. I edited my response before reading your latest addition.
Yup, no one can accuse me of being a hypocrite True... but it does back up my theory that you only appreciate an opinion that is the same as your own.
And yes, the personal attacks on an OP does happen "sometimes" when a woman starts a thread, but it is almost guaranteed when a man starts one. Huge assumption on your part.... perhaps you've missed some of the jaded male responses to other threads... I'd say the personal attacks run just about equal to and from both genders.... sad isn't it?
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:54:23 PM | Given a preference I would rather have someone give me a false age and a confession then have someone who is so inflexible as to concede that people being human make error' s in judgement. There is only one person who has ever walked this earth that I consider free from flaw and sin, and error in judgement. And if I found someone tomorrow that I truly cared about and found out later he was terminally ill and would die within a year I would glady spend that year with him. Rather a year with love in it ,than a year without it.
And although genes play a significent part in who we are so does lifestyle and enviornment.
side note: cdeacon..tried to message you and couldnt...boo hoo | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:01:22 PM | True... but it does back up my theory that you only appreciate an opinion that is the same as your own.
You have a right to your own theory...even if it is wrong.
However, this is a pretty simple matter that is generally considered a no-no...well, until it hits the cyberworld that is POF. It is not just the opinion, but the reasoning behind it...like I said, it can be used to justify almost any lie based on the criteria that has been given. Heck, one could lie about their age, race, marital status, and so on and so on...where do you actually draw the line? Also, the length of time that it took her to reveal her secret made it that much worse.
Huge assumption on your part.... perhaps you've missed some of the jaded male responses to other threads... I'd say the persona lattacks run just about equal to both genders.... sad isn't it?
Then you and I will have to disagree. I've been in these forums for years and I've seen it happen to women on a much lesser scale and generally without the personal attacks. More often than not, they get sympathy from both genders. However, we both agree on the fact that it is sad.. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:19:02 PM |
Yes indeed - and if you seek a committed relationship, show enough caring to tell your partner everything about yourself - so that s/he can enter the relationship having made their decision freely and fully informed
For the most part I agree with you, but what troubles me is the fact that the OP described what sounded like a wonderful relationship that he chose to let come crashing down ,NOT because the lady lied, so much as the fact that she was 61 not 53.Apparently nothing about her health or appearance indicated that she was an ancient! OP didn't say but I'm guessing that if he wanted to have children he'd have been courting ladies under 35...
And here's a tidbit of information I encountered again and again and again in grief counseling, Widowed Persons Service functions, and in a couple of self help books for widows I read;
If a widowed woman remarries or committs to a man her own age or older, she just about guarantees that she will find herself having to bury yet another SO. This information WAS NOT being used to encourage widows to date wildly younger men or to forego any attempt at finding another meaningful relationship or marriage. It was meant to encourage her to develop her own sense of self reliance/selfconfidence, INDEPENDENT of being "Mrs.Somebody".
So, I think the overall probabilities, were a 61 yr old woman to marry a 53 yr old man, basically all she's doing is balancing out the chances of another prolonged widowhood later in life.
For myself I date on the basis of character, personality and values, not what year is on somebody's drivers license. Because of my own personal "yuck" factor, I eschew dating men young enough to be my son or old enough to be my dad.
Of the 3 "interesting" guys I've met lately( not online!) I couldn't tell you a one of their exact ages. 2 of them I know ARE older than I, but by how much I neither know nor care.
Cindy O | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:21:27 PM | "You can dance around it any way you like, but at the heart of the issue is the fact that she misled him about a fact that she can not change...and those are the worst lies"
Well, that's a snappy dance yourself there fella.
IMHO the 'heart of the issue' is that the OP has taken the liberty of being judge and jury here without for one second owning the fact that he TOO has told lies, and engaged in less than desirable behaviour, for which he felt badly, and didn't know how to extricate himself from it. I know this to be ipso facto, because dear fellow, he is human, and we ALL make mistakes. Sure, it's his perrogative t take the high road here but you know what they say about people in glass houses. The 'heart of the issue' for me, is his utter lack of forgiveness. The 'heart of the issue' for me, is that he could not possibly have loved her, if this has become a deal-breaker for him. The 'heart of the issue' for me, is thank god she discovered his true nature before she married him. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:22:53 PM |
like I said, it can be used to justify almost any lie based on the criteria that has been given. Heck, one could lie about their age, race, marital status, and so on and so on...where do you actually draw the line? Did the op's ex-fiance lie about her race? Did she lie about her marital status? Hell, did she lie about having no children but actually has some? NO.. She Did Not.
I believe the opinions that leaned towards Op over-reacting to the woman's age-lie were based on what was actually lied about, and what was posted in the opener, NOT ON: what she MAY/WOULD/or COULD possibly have lied about.
And I agree with the post above me. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:37:41 PM | Did the op's ex-fiance lie about her race? Did she lie about her marital status? Hell, did she lie about having no children but actually has some? NO.. She Did Not.
You missed the point. What's the difference between lying about any of these things? They are all things that you can not change. The justifications given for lying about one's age can be applied to any of the aforementioned categories. If someone were not to give you a chance based on what you actually are, then they are not worth your time. They always say that the truth shall set you free and if you choose to live a lie, then you'll always be looking over your back. The truth always surfaces eventually. In her case, it surfaced way too late. She should have told him after the initial attraction turned into something more serious. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:48:25 PM |
For the most part I agree with you, but what troubles me is the fact that the OP described what sounded like a wonderful relationship that he chose to let come crashing down ,NOT because the lady lied, so much as the fact that she was 61 not 53.
Again, I argue that age matters in proportion to the years involved. I just don't think eight years is insignificant. It needs to be part of the full disclosure that every couple should have.
So, I think the overall probabilities, were a 61 yr old woman to marry a 53 yr old man, basically all she's doing is balancing out the chances of another prolonged widowhood later in life.
Women outlive men by a couple of years, not eight. And I think some of the disparity in death age is due to men dying young of unnatural causes (accident etc) much more frequently than women. Again, I don't see this as excusing deception all the way to marriage.
IMHO the 'heart of the issue' is that the OP has taken the liberty of being judge and jury here without for one second owning the fact that he TOO has told lies, and engaged in less than desirable behaviour, for which he felt badly, and didn't know how to extricate himself from it.
I take it you know this gentleman? Really, I think tremendous judgments are being made about the OP and his relationship based on almost no fact.
Did the op's ex-fiance lie about her race? Did she lie about her marital status? Hell, did she lie about having no children but actually has some? NO.. She Did Not.
You feel that an eight year difference in age is just a tiny fib. I don't agree. If that fact is meaningless, why hide it? If he was too shallow to accept her for being 61, why not find that out right up front?
I'm really feeling many women think they have a right to state their age as whatever they please. I'm not buying. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:01:43 PM | Going back to his original post, this is where the age difference really becomes a factor and where she should have fessed up:
We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues...
Not only was it a serious lie and that she kept it up for a ridiculously long time, but she even duped him into a future based on a lie. At 61, she is approaching retirement age 8 years sooner than he is, so the talk about goals, expectations and especially the "work" and life part was just compounding the lie and giving him false promise that would very unlikely unfold in the manner that they discussed. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:04:11 PM |
The truth always surfaces eventually. In her case, it surfaced way too late. She should have told him after the initial attraction turned into something more serious. I agree.. she waited to long to disclose. I also agree that it's not okay to lie.
You feel that an eight year difference in age is just a tiny fib. I don't agree. If that fact is meaningless, why hide it? If he was too shallow to accept her for being 61, why not find that out right up front? Thing is.. he fell in love with her.. no matter what her age happened to be... why would that change just because she was older? and please don't come back in with some made up story about what if she was an ax murderer that he fell in love with.... We're discussing a man who suddenly couldn't be with someone any longer simply because she was a few years older than what he first thought she was. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:08:30 PM | Lying about something so simple does cause lots of doubts...
But what is truly bothering you... that she lied or she's older than you? Cuz really, you're in your 50's... why should age matter to you if they're also in their 50's | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:15:14 PM |
Thing is.. he fell in love with her.. no matter what her age happened to be... why would that change just because she was older?
This is a circular argument. You don't think her untruth is substantial and I do.
We're discussing a man who suddenly couldn't be with someone any longer simply because she was a few years older than what he first thought she was.
No, she's eight years older, and he found out 18 months, and an engagement, into the relationship.
Wanna know the moral of this story? Be who you are, online and offline. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:28:25 PM |
If I am 53 still single and alive and I find someone that loves me I think I will let one little white lie slide by. What the hell are you waiting for a triple bypass or prostate cancer??
It's hard for a teen to understand this, but those of us over 50 really don't consider ourselves the walking dead. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:32:56 PM | 4dutyandhumanity:
"I take it you know this gentleman? Really, I think tremendous judgments are being made about the OP and his relationship based on almost no fact. "
As I stated, I don't HAVE to know him. He's a human being. And as such he has absolutely done things he wished he hadn't. Unless he's the second coming of JC.
Furthermore, in some of your posts, you have made some pretty big assumptions about the life expectancy of the intended fiance, knowing even less about her - she didn't even post! | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:17:19 PM |
It's hard for a teen to understand this, but those of us over 50 really don't consider ourselves the walking dead.
Well then I am lying about my age by nearly 20 years.
My kids are teens but thanks for the compliment. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:24:06 PM |
Furthermore, in some of your posts, you have made some pretty big assumptions about the life expectancy of the intended fiance, knowing even less about her - she didn't even post!
I made no assumptions about the life span of the woman. My statements are general statements about life expectancy. They apply to everyone. If you don't think older people die more frequently than younger people check the obits.
As to the real OP and his ex - none of us know them. For all you know, the ex's age fib could be the tip of an iceberg. You don't know, I don't know, and we never will. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:30:06 PM | Women outlive men by a few years anyway, she'd probably still be around to bury you. I don't get why it took her six months to 'fess up to something you were bound to find out eventually.
Maybe she really cares and was afraid of losing you.
Kinda hard to tell from here, you'll have to ask her. | |
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