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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:11:18 PM | Dave-good you clarified things...yes, age is in our mind sometimes...I know I was the older woman in my last relationship and it bugged me for a bit-even though he knew from day one my age...
Honestly, no one ever guessed our age difference because when we were together we were in sync with each other...and he said something that totally made sense to me...
No one can control what year they are born in, where they are born and who their parents are...words of wisdom from a young stud 
Just think Dave, you'll always be her young stud  ...now c'mon that's not such a bad thing is it?
Sincerely wish you both the best in this crazy thing called life and love.... | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:24:45 AM | I'm glad you decided to reconsider the relationship, Dave. I was hoping you weren't going to make a knee-jerk reaction. Good for you and Jan.  All good relationships involve a compromise or two, and forgiveness. I hope Jan doesn't have any other stuff coming out of her closet. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:42:20 AM | Good for you Dave. You have my respect for not rushing to judgement on this. No one knows how things will go. Time will tell. But true love comes along so rarely to just shove it idley to the side may cause more pain then working through the problems.
Forgiveness is a big thing and takes a mature thinking ,rational ,compassionate person to give it. Luck and hugs to you and Jan. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:59:00 AM | Age shouldnt be an issue you liked her and thought she was great thinking she was 53.
But thats a huge lie for a very long time to tell someone!
I dont think its shallow of you to be upset about her lying to you. I would always be wondering...what else has she lied about.
Hope everything works out for you!! best of luck | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:32:23 AM | 4duty:
“No, you're wrong. It's just an actuarial fact that as we age, the chance of death and illness increases. I don't need to know anything about OP or his ex to make that statement. It applies to everyone.”
With all due respect, I am not wrong, and neither are you. This is a judgment call – you would make a different one for reasons that are valid to you. Your reasons are not valid to me, and I would make a different call. Surely you are not suggesting that because insurance companies have developed statistical tables to calculate potential profits that we have more reliable measure than what we know about human nature? Take any two human beings you like: I’ll put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they have both lied, or misled, or otherwise deceived, or done something that they are ashamed of, at some point in their life, and I don’t think it would take a whole lot of investigation to prove it. I would not put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they are going to die at age 76, or any other actuary table hypothesis.
“You're making the case that the OP is a jerk and his ex is wonderful based on almost no evidence. You don't know what else she may have misstated, or anything else about their relationship.”
You are reading a great deal into my post that isn’t there. What IS there is this – he loved her enough to marry her, decided he could not forgive the fact that she misled him regarding how old she was, and ended their engagement. No, I don’t know what else she may have misled him on – and I also don’t know what he may have been misleading HER on. What I do know, by virtue of their status as human beings, is that they are both guilty of such behaviour. For him to take the ‘holier than thou’ route is his prerogative. I just hope he isn’t seeking forgiveness himself one day. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:49:29 AM | OP my post #312 was simply to offer "MY" personal experiences for you to see and make your own choices. What I stated was/is true and factual.
As to post #319 calling me a liar: My profile is VERY clear and truthful, it is interesting to me though that your mind is so deep in the gutter that you assume individuals can not be friends and share like circumstances. I also take note that you are "separated", which some would say is still "MARRIED". I also take note that you have chosen to display your most saleable attributes prominently in your photo (don't misunderstand they are quite nice). Maybe "Wishes Granted" you should self-evaluate lying before you falsely label others.
Solver | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:02:39 AM | One lie leads to more lies. I personally would leave at this point. Although, in the past I was too stupid to do so. It's so much easier to forgive when you are in love. After I became engaged to my STBX, many, many lies came out. They were far more serious than age lies. They were the kind that left me sick to my stomach. But, at that point, I was "hooked" and so "in love" that I justified his behavior.
Now, from an outside point of view, I'd say lies are deal breakers.
My husband was upfront about his age. I actually already knew it because I'd searched him through some of the teaser sites that will let you see a person's city and age without paying. When he tried to avoid telling me his age (he's quite a bit older older,) I got nervous, but he was actually honest. If he hadn't been, I would have called him on it and been leery of the rest of his story. (But, that was before I had fallen in love.) | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:31:34 AM | moovebuff - pixeleen
oh no question! It's a lousy way to start a relationship! Although people have got by far worse than lying over a few years age difference. As we have seen here, for some it is a huge issue, for others - not so much. Personal viewpoints, and they are all valid.
pixeleen, we all walk a fine line between 'experience' and 'baggage' and it's not easily distinguished. I understand what you are saying. If someone has been hurt by a lie in the past, it will be very hard to ignore that pain and consider the very real possibility that a repeat of that pain is not written in stone. It is equally possible that forgiveness will mend the relationship and a deeper love emerge on the other side. It IS possible, but in all things of life and love, there are no guarantees. And only we can decide if we wish to take that chance again.
I too have been so in love I ignored various warning signs, little alarm bells that went off in my head and I discounted them. Much later, I discovered that I should have paid attention to them, they were valid, and in the process I learned some very unsavoury things about my proposed fiance. I won't go into detail here but they are far beyond lying about age, and have to do with loving and supporting a dying spouse. Even then, I could concede that a man might behave abominably in this situation, deeply regret it, and not have any means to remedy it. Living with a mistake you cannot undo has to be the worst kind of consequence. But I only felt that way because I loved him - I was justifying his actions. Other behaviours eventually revealed themselves that allowed me to bow out of this relationship without regret. You too have bowed out, not before you were hurt, but it sounds like before permanent damage was done. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:40:40 AM |
I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53). We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues... am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me? What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments
I dated someone longdistance and during my first visit, it was an instant connection. i though i was inlove as well. i was much more older than he was. the second time i visited his city, while he was at work, i decided to clean his room. well i shouldnt have. Only because i found some things he lied to me about.
Basically i was having second thoughts about him. the relationship lasted 3 months. However we've known each other for 2 years as friends. I thought since he was a friend first, he'd be able to open up and discuss some things with me. I guess i was wrong. The more it got serious, the weirder the relationship became. It always felt like he was hiding something from me.
We've broken up now, he occassionaly calls, but thats as far as the relationship will go.
I couldnt trust him anymore.
The age thing - maybe she felt embarrassed? But i hope this is the only thing she lied to you about. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:14:11 AM | No, I'm sorry, solver.
I have no problem with attached people who come here STRICTLY for the forums, or with those PoF members who have gotten into a relationship but choose to stay here for friends and forums.
But if you are looking for "friends", why limit it to women? Why the age filter? Do you live in an isolated situation? Is there no place in yours or nearby communities you can go to make friends?
No you are here looking for something, and even if it happens in "cyberspace" it's still a form of cheating. Which I could give a rat's ass about. It's the hypocrisy of attacking another member and "labeling" her.
As for your personal marital experience, good grief, man! Didn't the thought occur to you that with an age discrepancy of 12+ years( and this goes for EITHER gender, and whichever way the age discrepancy) that there would come a day when that age discrepancy might take on a much greater significance?
You gambled and lost, dude. You don't get to hedge your bet or welsh on it. Either lie in the bed you made or give the lady a divorce so you can find a younger woman.
I'm NOT saying that a relationship or marriage with a significant age discrepancy CAN'T work, but you have to realize that one day the age difference may well hit a "tipping point" and the elder partner will be OLD,while the younger partner is NOT. You either go into the marriage for the love and joy of the present and a willingness to accept what the future brings, or you DON'T GO. There is no provision in the modern marriage ceremony permitting the spouse with the still active libido to pay lip service to the marriage,meanwhile hunting for a friend(with benefits) on the side. It don't work like that.
Cindy O | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:49:03 AM | Out of respect to the OP I will not continue on this thread, however I will discuss my profile and intentions on another thread, if you wish Ladyc4 or Wishes Granted. Set it up, and advise me.
My apologies OP, I was only trying to give you my viewpoint.
Solver | |
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jf468
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 340 | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:33:04 PM | To the Op: Dave .. I wish the best of luck and kudos to you for not giving up on love.
As to post #319 calling me a liar: My profile is VERY clear and truthful, it is interesting to me though that your mind is so deep in the gutter that you assume individuals can not be friends and share like circumstances. I also take note that you are "separated", which some would say is still "MARRIED". I also take note that you have chosen to display your most saleable attributes prominently in your photo (don't misunderstand they are quite nice). Maybe "Wishes Granted" you should self-evaluate lying before you falsely label others. Your business on here is not mine, solver. I don't judge you. My post was directed at another poster who used you as an example yet failed to see that in essence you still living with your spouse, could be considered a lie or lying.... I have not lived with my spouse for 4 years now.. our marital union has been severed = no lie! As for my "attributes" WTH has this got to do with the thread's topic and btw.. They're real.. no lie there either. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:48:43 PM | Solver
your viewpoint is fine,but you have got to understand that a LOT of people here have big issues with a married person being on what is STILL predominantly a dating site, and that someone is most likely going to call you down on it. To turn around and be a pot calling the kettle black has nothing to do with the OP's original issue.
Yes, at some point in a relationship, a significant age difference may well become a larger issue than originally thought. But when that happens you have to be a standup person and either accept the issue, or else terminate the marriage or relationship.
I have nothing but compassion for the spouse of someone who has been incapacitated by an illness or accident, or whose spouse is now a shell of themselves due to Alzheimers, dementia or severe mental illness.
And this isn't all on you, solver...your wife should have given careful thought as to whether she could let you go if someday the age difference created incompatibilities. Have you discussed this with her?
Is she woman enough to either MUSTER UP the energy and interest to be a true companion, or to let you go if she cannot?
Cindy O | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:05:22 PM |
With all due respect, I am not wrong, and neither are you. This is a judgment call – you would make a different one for reasons that are valid to you. Your reasons are not valid to me, and I would make a different call. Surely you are not suggesting that because insurance companies have developed statistical tables to calculate potential profits that we have more reliable measure than what we know about human nature? Take any two human beings you like: I’ll put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they have both lied, or misled, or otherwise deceived, or done something that they are ashamed of, at some point in their life, and I don’t think it would take a whole lot of investigation to prove it.
My point, once again, is that eight years is a significant amount of age, and lying about that much age is not meaningless. There are a lot of women here trying to minimize the importance of lying about age.
Take any two human beings you like: I’ll put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they have both lied, or misled, or otherwise deceived, or done something that they are ashamed of, at some point in their life,
Yeah, so? And maybe they took their medicine for having done wrong. Has anyone ever done anything to you that was a relationship breaker? You don't like his being upset (initial decision, or whatever, assuming we're even discussing real people and events) about her age. Maybe something you think is trivial someone else would find important.
I would not put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they are going to die at age 76, or any other actuary table hypothesis.
Needless to say, actuarial tables are not about individuals. Trying to guess at birth when a person is likely to die is impossible. However, if you'd like to place a $1M bet on a 76 year old living 20 more years vs. a 40 year old living 20 more years, you'll have lots of takers.
Age matters. Sorry. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:24:57 PM | | imo op there is the whole thing of protecting others from getting ur actual dob by maybe putting off ur age by one or two yrs.However upon getting to know someone and we begin dating exclusively I would not hestitate to tell him my real age.I don't understand why she waited so long to tell u but I think she wanted to tell u but thought u might drop her for the age difference and then time just moved on and things progressed to the point she had no choice but to come clean.I hope this works out for ya. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:39:23 PM |
MSG 343 Instead of continuing this diatribe....could we just concede that age matters to YOU.......But doesnt necessarily matter to everyone........................
Sure, as long as we concede that age, and honesty, DO matter to a LOT of people. Certainly the ones I'd like to meet. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:44:29 PM | 4duty:
“My point, once again, is that eight years is a significant amount of age, and lying about that much age is not meaningless. There are a lot of women here trying to minimize the importance of lying about age.”
Yes, we got your point. Age matters -- to you. No one here (and there are more than a few men who see it this way and women who see it your way so let’s not make it about gender) is trying to ‘minimize the importance of lying about age” they are simply stating it is not a big issue, to them. As opposed to the enormous issue that it seems to be, to you. See?
“Has anyone ever done anything to you that was a relationship breaker?”
Yes, you’re starting to get it! It’s not about being right or wrong, is it? It’s about what you can overlook, or forgive if you will, and what you can’t.
“You don't like his being upset (initial decision, or whatever, assuming we're even discussing real people and events) about her age.”
What I like or don’t like is irrelevant. What I SAID was, have you considered forgiveness as a possible response, because my guess is, somewhere in your life, someone forgave YOU.
“Needless to say, actuarial tables are not about individuals. Trying to guess at birth when a person is likely to die is impossible. However, if you'd like to place a $1M bet on a 76 year old living 20 more years vs. a 40 year old living 20 more years, you'll have lots of takers.”
No I wouldn’t take that bet, and that’s not the bet I suggested. Are you willing to stake a million dollars on any human being you like, that they have never lied, cheated, mislead or otherwise done something shameful that they wish they hadn’t? I doubt it. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:03:00 PM |
Yes, we got your point. Age matters -- to you.
Age matters to me, and it also matters to the women who lie about theirs, else why lie? I know you hate this, but there are many women, and men, who feel it's beneath them to misrepresent themselves. Many. And good for them. Deception is probably the number one complaint people have with online dating.
What I SAID was, have you considered forgiveness as a possible response, because my guess is, somewhere in your life, someone forgave YOU.
What I read being argued by many women here was that the OP was a schmuck for not forgiving, because the lie was inconsequential. Some things are forgivable, some aren't. OP has to decide that. I thought the judgments laid on him were out of line.
Are you willing to stake a million dollars on any human being you like, that they have never lied, cheated, mislead or otherwise done something shameful that they wish they hadn’t? I doubt it.
Your moral fantasies have nothing to do with the point I was making. Perhaps I should start a thread "Have you ever missed warning signs while in love?" We could examine the topic of forgiveness in that context. | |
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