| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:48:51 AM | | if u feel uncomfortalbe due to her age then you are not really in love with her. true love is unconditional. however the lying part to me is bad. she was not honest with you.. will she lie during the marriage for whatever reason? If there are trust issues and age issues ..dont marry her. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:19:33 AM | thank you for your insight, as for why I would post on her. Well i have no one at all to talk to about it and thought it would be good to see some response as I truly doubt all the thoughts I am having. In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.
Thanks again for your input and I know men lie as well it is just that this one thought that by being honest you would attract honest. Oh well | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:38:26 AM |
thank you for your insight, as for why I would post on her. Well i have no one at all to talk to about it and thought it would be good to see some response as I truly doubt all the thoughts I am having. In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.
Thanks again for your input and I know men lie as well it is just that this one thought that by being honest you would attract honest. Oh well
OP, I'm glad you decided to continue the relationship. Yes she lied but hey, you got fooled all this time so as another poster said, she must take pretty good care of herself. And I think you were probably offended (maybe still is a bit) about the fact that she did it to begin with. But think about your reaction (wondering if you can really date someone older than you) and you have your answer. I'm sure she didn't like doing it either.
I have problems understanding the concept in men having problems in dating someone 8 yrs older than them (as you had at the beginning) but see no problem in going 10+ yrs younger. Age is a number in your mind. And no, being honest will not necessarily attract honesty. Fact of life.
Congrats on your engagement. Wishing you a happy life together. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:17:57 AM | No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
Oscar Wilde
OP wrote:
I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted
Did you fall in love with a person or a number? I think the whole age bs is just that BULLSH*T...
While I don't advocate lying...obviously she didn't act "her age" or "look her age" like who the heck knows exactly what any age should look or act -narrow minded people judge other by numbers....number of years on earth, number of pounds, number of $$, number of children, number of X's...
Has she not told you the truth about anything else or just her "number"???
And as far as the you're not comfortable about marrying a woman being that much older than you...pal if she hadn't told you, you still be thinking she was your age...
this is your problem, not hers...she can't control which year her mother gave birth to her no more than you could the year your mother gave birth to you~comprendez?
If you were older than her by 8 yrs, I'm sure you'd be expecting her to "overlook" your number and accept you for WHO YOU ARE, not the NUMBER you are  | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:25:23 AM | | There's lots for you to think about so, first of all....I'd say don't rush into marriage just yet. Is it really a big deal that she's 8 years older? I married a man that was 11 years older and dated one 16 years older; it wasn't about age....it was about what we had in common and enjoying being with each other. The fact that she lied....that's another issue. If you truly are in love with her, to the point that you proposed to her.....then take your time, don't make any rash decisions, and maybe consider forgiveness. I'm sure we've all needed forgiveness at one time or another.....Talk with her and try to get a better understanding of why she lied, has she been untruthful about anything else, and explain that you need some time to deal with all this. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:36:26 AM | Personally, I'd find the lying more significant than the age discrepancy. However, the age difference can have ramifications if expectations were based on a different assumption, and that would disturb me. Retirement, health, long-term care, social security are all things that MAY matter - or not.
The age difference itself is not necessary a problem if you are okay with it, but it seems you may not be. That's reasonable, especially since it wasn't what you expected.
Anyway, I suggest you take your time and figure out if that or the lying matters, and how it would affect your decision. Don't rush into anything. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:38:19 AM | I lie about my age all the time......I say I'm 68 but actually I'm only 50. I like to hear how great I look for my age. 
Look first of all she shouldnt have lied. She did, probably thinking nothing would come of it. Then as you got closer she didnt know how to fess up without looking deceitful.
If you love her the age thing shouldnt matter. Statistically you will prob die before her anyway. Your both out of the kid zone......so whats the problem.
Just get onwith life and enjoy each other. How often in life do we find someone we have a deep connection with...................Good Luck.......
And she is 53....she's just 53 8 times | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:43:21 AM | It would be an issue with me, I simply don't like dishonesty - since there's no need for it. Granted I might decide not to date someone if they are a certain age, but that should be my choice...and giving me the wrong facts will just prolong the inevitable.
If it's someone I would have dated anyway, then yeah - that'd be even dumber to me. It would scream insecurity. I'd sooner date someone who told me their true age and didn't give a crap if I liked it than someone who was trying to change it based on what they think I want.
I remember being on Yahoo, and it stated I was 39, when I was 40... I didn't do anything to make it that way, it just said I was.... Someone that I had went out with twice had this hissy fit and accused me of trying to decieve... YEAH.. Don't think so... My age is not an issue for me... I am what I am...
That cracks me up - if you were going to lie, why wouldn't you say 29? Yikes that dude overreacted huh? But I guess it's good you found out he was that rigid. Some people will date someone 39 but not 40. And that's their choice. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:46:59 AM | Have you sat down and spoken with her? That would be the obvious thing to do.
Have your feelings/love changed because now she's older than you? That would be a bit shallow if you ask me. If there were a "problem" it should be the lying part, not the difference in age. Her person has not changed per se.
Just sit down and talk.
Good luck!
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:53:26 AM |
In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.
Could have been that she was ashamed and perhaps afraid to tell you once things started to heat up. If it really bothers you so much then pay to have someone do a background check on her. How easy is that?
Now, for the telling part,
Well i have no one at all to talk to about it
are you willing to continue not having anyone else to talk to about things and heading back to the realm of POF? (better the witch you know than the one you don't) Or work things out and get over that error of judgment, once and for all, and move ahead with your life.
Jeeeeeesh! | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:18:31 AM | OP,
I feel for you. I really do. You are getting all types of advice. I come at this from a different perspective. I was lied to about something that was important and held implications for me in the relationship.
I was clear about my feelings at the outset. He then lied to manipulate me, so he would be able to date me anyway. Without knowing your fiance, I fear, that is what she did also.
She lied to you to get you to behave in a manner that would benefit her.
Think about that because it worked. You proposed and she accepted knowing that the pretenses were something other than what you would prefer. She made plans with you based on this lie. To me, it doesn't even matter if she never lied about anything else. What you do know about her is this: She will lie to get what she wants and when the situation suits her.
All this talk about not really loving her because of her age or this fallacy is hogwash. You loved a woman whom you believed to be honest with you. In the end, she wasn't. She is not the woman you loved. That's all you need to know. You deserve someone straightforward and honest. Because you love and take care of yourself first. If you don't you can't expect someone else to.
Good Luck, OP. Don't be manipulated into something undeserving of you. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:27:22 AM | At your age, 8 years is hardly a difference worth mentioning.
You should talk to her about her motivations for lying. Listen to your intincts about the deception but get over the 8 years, that is just silly. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:27:47 AM | I heard recently that John (71) and Cindy (54) McCain lied to each other about their ages when they first started dating (she lied up; he lied down). They have now been married since 1980, and he is running for President of the United States.
As long as this is the only thing she's been dishonest about, it's probably one you can live with. Unless the thought of dating a 60+ creeps you out. 
Just think -- she'll be able to retire earlier than you thought.
Have you dated more than one year? You REALLY need to be with someone through every season of the year before you make a lifetime commitment to them. Of course, her lifetime may have just been shortened by 8 years...... | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:31:51 AM | I've got to side with Lois and Betty as usual on this one, the deceit is simply unforgivable, especially once you proposed to her for crying out loud... Date one or two I might have let it slide, heck I'll give you as far as when you first slept with her... However 6 months in and getting hitched? Too little, too late to come clean...  
This reminds me of a brilliant comedy sketch I saw on tv last month - the premise is a retired widowed grandfather living with his two boys and trying to get back into the world of romance via online dating. Given he's in his declining years, he's after whatever hot young booty he can find. He invites an attractive, young looking lady from an online profile to come by for dinner, and she accepts. What shows up at the door and what's in the photo are at least several decades in age difference, so he's pissed throughout the evening....
Finally at one awkward point she calls him on his frigidity, and he calls her on her bs.
She quips "So is that all you care about? Looks?" and he screams back "YES!"
So she whines "Well EXCUSE ME for thinking you care what kind of person I am on the INSIDE..."
and he retorts "But you're a LIAR on the INSIDE!"
Food for thought, best of luck OP  | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:37:38 AM | If you're asking, then it's pretty obvious that it bothers you. I'm not sure which bothers you more, the fact she's older, or the fact that she lied. Actully, if she's that much older than you are, in a marriage, it's a gift. Usually men die 7 years before women do, so the fact that she's older than you, the both of you might luck out and die pretty close together. Yeah, morbid I know.
Getting to the lying part, that would bother me. I don't think it's the end of the relationship, but until you feel that she's honest on all levels, I'd hold off on the marriage part. Bottom line, when in doubt, don't tie the knot. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:49:42 AM | OP,
I can't believe I forgot the point about my anecdote. I forgave him, or well, I tried to. We were about six months into a relationship too. As time marched on, I realized (there were other problems in the relationship but this is where I went wrong) I resented him for the lie. I tried to forgive him but failed because everytime I saw the object of his deception, it reminded me of his manipulative behavior. When I look back on that situ, I realize now, because hindsight is 20/20, the love I did have for him died a little bit every time I was reminded of what he did. That's no way to be in a relationship.
When a relationship is based on an untruth, everything built on top of that is built on quicksand. Nothing can survive on a lie. Nothing. It will hurt you more to forgive her and go on than to cut your ties and heal now.  | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:35:18 AM | Really good question. Is this the only thing? If she has not lied about other things, I would not hold it against her. There is such a major deal on youth now, its very hard for both sexes. Would you believe I have men lying to me about their age? I expect it now.
I was told to add on 5 years to a man's listed age on any singles site. Right now I am writing a perfectly nice man who says he is 67. He is really 70. He is unaware I know this. I do my research because I happened to date a SOCIOPATH last year and I learned the hard way to check people out before I get involved. You can find out online 99% of the time. Men die younger than women. Its a fact. I would prefer to date younger men and I usually do. I look at a 70 year old and I wonder how long before I am doing all the driving and I am nursing. One has to consider that. When one falls in love, than it does not even enter the picture. Are you in love? She is older but if she has taken good care of herself, she will still outlive you. Most of my girlfriends who are married, think its so sad I am single. Big deal. 20% of them will probably be widowed by the time I am 70. When I am 75, 50% probably will be widowed. Go to a senior center. Its filled with widows. Love changes all the details. If you love her, then marry her. If not, move on. Questions you should ask yourself.
1. Does she take good care of herself?
2. Does she have her act together financially and personally with her family?
3. Does she care for you? (WELL, SHE TOLD YOU. SHE DID NOT MARRY YOU WITHOUT YOU KNOWING. I GIVE HER POINTS FOR THAT.)
4. Does she have serious health issues now?
5. Do you have serious health issues?
6. Can you talk to her and resolve differences?
7. IS SHE LOYAL AND WILL LIFE BE BETTER WITH HER BY YOUR SIDE?
Being in love not lust, does make a huge difference. Good luck. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:45:31 AM |
Is this the only thing?
This is my issue. What else don't I know? That's always what goes thru my mind when someone lies about something like age.
Would you believe I have men lying to me about their age? I expect it now.
I was told to add on 5 years to a man's listed age on any singles site.
Yes, I've dealt with it a few times. Great tip...lol
WELL, SHE TOLD YOU. SHE DID NOT MARRY YOU WITHOUT YOU KNOWING. I GIVE HER POINTS FOR THAT.
As much as I'd like to be an optimist - I'm always the realist - it works better for me. True, she could have come clean all on her own because she felt the need to, and that's quite admirable if so, but I've learned over the years that most people are motivated by avoiding conflict/saving their own azzes. Chances are she only came clean because you would have found out anyway. The process of marrying her and viewing documents would have done her in. She simply chose the lesser of two evils. Hopefully, that's not the case...but you'll probably never know. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:56:15 AM | | Hey rowdysheis, I'm with you. Fred HH is full of crap. I'm 59 and never have lied about my age, what you see is what you get. And if she lied about the age, which is so minor a thing these days, maybe her whole life is a lie. Can't believe he let it get this far without having some doubts. She must be very good at hiding secrets. Bail out now, once you're in, there's not gettin out without consequences. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:07:19 AM | yes Dave.......Your an F'n idiot..
you say you are in love with this woman and yet you are willing to let it all go because of a numer?
How long have you been together?...and you didnt find out her age until after you propose?
I think you could just be intimidated because of your own immaturity!!
Its not like she was lying about being an Ex Con or something..and if she got away with saying she was a bit younger...then good for her!!! We all want to look younger then the age we really are....
except of course when we were under age to get into a bar. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:16:49 AM | There's a part of me that cansort of understand the white lie of, say, advertising you're 38-39 instead of 40, as in the TV sells for $499.95. These kind of spins have almost become part of our cultural DNA. I don't how many are going to go all crazy on you when you add in tax of a year or two down the line.
But 8 years....that can almost put someone in a different generational caste. It can mean the difference between her being a "baby boomer", and you being a post baby boomer.
If I was the Pope of such social indiscretions, I'd say a year or two was a venial sin, punishable by a stern reprimand, and a fanny whack or three. But I'd say eight years was a mortal sin, punishable by exile, fire and ice. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:24:25 AM |
If I was the Pope of such social indiscretions, I'd say a year or two was a venial sin, punishable by a stern reprimand, and a fanny whack or three. But I'd say eight years was a mortal sin, punishable by exile, fire and ice.
Then you would be a naughty Pope!!
O.P. Claims not to have known the difference years makes..
He claims to have fallen in love with this woman and want to sepnd the rest of his life with her inmarriage...
yet he is willing to throw it all away because she didnt tell him her proper age?
Sounds pretty ridiculous, shallow, and petty to me...and this woman would probubly be better off with out him.
Especially if she takes enough care of herself to get away with saying she is 8 years younger then she is. | |
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| wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:25:06 AM | I don't have a problem with the 8 years age difference.. heck I have dated men 8 years younger than me.. and I was dang proud of it.. my age didn't make any difference to them.. but don't know how they would feel about marriage though since we just went out.. and "dated" ... I know of younger men who have married women as much as 10 years older than them and they liked it that way..
The problem I have with the lie is this.. I know if I lied about my age to a guy.. especially that many years.. and I began to fall in love with them.. it would kill me to know I had lied to them. I couldn't look in their face.. I would have to come clean..
The fact that she kept this a secret so long is what bothers me.. and in that is where I think a fairly serious character flaw is seen and the fact she was falling in love with you but still couldn't come clean till you started making plans??? I mean someone who is that age concious.. has to be uncomfortable with themselves.. yes she took great care of herself but what does that mean to have a need so strong that you can perpetuate a lie to someone that you say you love... I just don't get it.
I'd say that is a big huge Red flag and unless you can say "all is forgiven.. no big deal" and forget it.. and move foward.. you don't need to be with this person. The fact that you wrote to us on this forum shows me that this bothers you and it will put a palor on your relationship. You can't help how you feel.
****OP I see you have decided to continue the realtionship.. I wish you all the happiness and best life imaginable..****** | |
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