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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 rjb888
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 101
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?Page 5 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
Lois,
As I said in my post adults should know better than a baby I made it clear without having to write a book about it. My point is lying is human, right or wrong, it is. Try as many of us do never to lie it happens to the best of us. And people who say they don't lie are LIERS!

Would I allow what the OP is questioning, age....I really don't know . I'd also like to think I wouldn't ever lie about an issue like that, or any issue for that matter. Try as hard as I can to be perfect...I'm only human. I can tell you from my own personal experience I did meet someone that told me a huge lie about his past (a criminal past) 7 months AFTER we became involved. I tried to get past it because he claimed it happened MANY MANY years ago, but other "things" just seemed out of place. Then those things started to fall into place...a bad place. I was outta there. And this was a man I developed very strong feelings for. Wasn't easy for me to be honest. But it's not up to me to beat up someone with my moral judgements.

With the career you choose to work, I commend you for staying true to yourself.
 TheReason_
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 102
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:01:18 PM
Men die before women, so maybe in the end, the timing will all work out.




 Challenge
Joined: 6/3/2006
Msg: 103
She lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:02:57 PM
The fact that she lied about her age is morally repugnant to me. The essence of any solid relationship is based on integrity and trust...

Without that foundation, it is simply a matter of time until the next betrayal is exposed...

When I review a profile, I trust that the age depicted is just that....accurate and truthful...

I have on occasion found that in the narrative a different age appears with the claim of " it was lowered to be in a certain search category" or " the system wouldn't let me change it". They are both fallacious arguments......just be honest about your age...it is what it is......if the system won't allow the change, then create a new profile and retain your integrity.

I personally will not engage in a dialogue with a liar........

OP......my condolences ..........I can only imagine the next big lie that is out there waiting for you.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 104
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:35:50 PM

I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53).

We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues...

am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?

What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments

Good grief...you might not be able to have as many children as you wanted to, what with her being 8 yrs older!

The only comment I'm going to make is to suggest that you search YOUR OWN HEART and make up YOUR OWN MIND.
Sounds like you love the lady. At this stage of the game, while I do not CONDONE lying about ones age, what is the big whoop? But if you can no longer see the woman you love, only a big number "61" when you look at her, then by all means end the relationship. While I would be the last person to advocate "settling" , "accepting less",or "lowering your standards" I'd like to remind you that at age 53 it isn't like you have unlimited time to find another love.
And maybe she WANTED to find younger men to counter the stats that indicate, were she to marry a man her own age or older, she's all but GUARANTEED to wind up a widow.
You need to make up your own mind about this...
Cindy O
 curveyone
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 105
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:51:57 PM
EVERYBODY lies about something, trust me. not saying it's right but that's just the way it is, human nature. i do lie about my age too but i usually admit it if i see the relationship is getting serious. sometimes if it's only 1 or 2 dates, why confess? but in your situation, i would definitely ask her why she didn't tell you about the lie earlier?
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 106
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She lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 4:55:35 PM
.

Some say that “age is just a number,” but they are usually the very young or the very old -- or someone older looking for younger. I’m so old that when someone asks me my age I actually have to think about it so I can answer correctly. . . .

Actually, I would have changed my age to 75 (again), if I could. I did that once, a year or so ago, and received a lot of interesting mail.

Nowadays, the only reason I may glance at someone’s age is to insure they are not too young for me. Many of the gals around here shave a few years off of their age, which makes them too young for me. But, that’s the way it goes. A guy’s got to have a starting point, eh?

Anyway guys, when the topic is age or weight, you should realize that there sometimes may be a little dissembling involved. That’s been going on for as long as I can remember.

.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 107
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She lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:23:23 PM
In my opinion, the fact she lied to you about her age it's making me wonder just what else she lied about.

Did she not think you would ever find out? I think that you should be able to trust in someone to tell you the truth about anything. I never did understand why people lie about their age. Your age is what it _is_ and that can never be changed. Unless of course you purchase illegal documentation to the contrary.

How did she hold up the charade? I mean considering what couples converse about. Like their graduation(s), how old you were in a certain decade, if she was married and when, things like that, just normal life experience conversation. She must have had to have lied to you about things she did and when.......

I went out with a man once, I found that he'd lied five years about his age. I never gave him another word period. He lied, he didn't have to. But, it's ultimately up to you how you feel.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 108
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:25:07 PM
Like alot of people have said you have to go with your heart or gut feeling. But for me i would wounder what else she lied about or what else she will lie about so if some lady lied to me i would proably break it off. If thier is any dougth at all dont get married as it will just fester and get ugly. I look at it like this i am 60 and i wont get involded with any one older than I , i nursed my wife thur a teramal illness the last 2 years of her life and thier is a better chance of some one older being that way in a short time andI would rather not go thur it again but if i married and they did get that way i would stick by them.
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 109
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:19:18 PM
My belief is that scrupulous honesty in one's profile is the way to go - accurate as to marital status, age, and photo less than 12 months old. I don't even bother looking at body style descriptions - average is a relative term, and to put it mildly, most people are rather generous with their self assessments.

My preference is for accurate age reporting, but I went through a stretch where three of four women I met had shaved a few years off. The explanation was always the same - they did it so they wouldn't get filtered out. So, I figured I'd just go with what I saw in front of me, and not obsess about the number.

However - the women I met were typically trimming about three years. Eight years is a bit of a stretch. And, crucially, they told me what they'd done right away. I can't blame OP for being concerned.

53 seems a bit young to be rushing into marriage anyway.

As to the 'it's only right I lie about my age - I look so much younger, it's only right.' Fatheads - 50 year old bodies, 17 year old attitudes. Blecchhh.

And the 'everyone lies' theme: does everyone pass bad checks too? Is it ok to say you're single when you're not? Lies can be justified when sparing someone's feelings (like your friends do when they tell you you look younger than your age), or when answering a question that is none of the questioner's business. Making a material misstatement of fact when trying to establish a trust based relationship with someone is just not ok.
 looking4u2345
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 110
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:27:40 PM
You were decieved. I do not blame you. However, love is not easy to find. If you really love her, you should try to forgive her. It might or might not be the only time she lies to you, who is to say. But, yeah...that's a tough one. I would not be too happy about being with a liar. It kind of makes you lose respect for them.
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 111
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:27:52 PM

53 seems a bit young to be rushing into marriage anyway.


\I bet this is the first time the OP's been told that~~~~~~~~~~~
 rowdysheis
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 112
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:39:31 PM

For you to believe I will be lonely because I have a value system I believe in and expect shows YOU don't value yourself enough. You don't value yourself enough if you expect and accept to be lied to.

I will never be lonely because I choose to love myself first and others can see that. And don't make assumptions about my level of compassion. You have got a lot of nerve! I stated in an earlier post, that I tried to forgive him for his lie but because he did that every time I played stepmother to his daughter, I was reminded about how he decieved me.

So where the fvck is YOUR got-damned compassion! It's OK for them to lie to people, what happens to the people they lie to? Fvck them, eh? No doubt you've told a whopper in your day to someone you so-called love. *SMH*

Furthermore, I don't know what type of mistakes you are talking about. Yes, people make mistakes. However, lies are not mistakes. You don't trip, fall and mistakenly lie to your SO. That is deliberate. All lies are deliberate and are self-serving.


Lois, your hostility and rage is palatable. Calm down!

You were told a terrible lie by someone you cared about. I certainly don't condone lying, but if there was a lying scale, a man or woman lying about being 53, instead of their actual age of 61, would be considered mild, compared to either a man or woman lying about having a child. These two situations are nowhere near the same in severity, IMO.

The OP fell in love with this woman. HE needs to take time to determine is the relationship has be insurmountably damaged by this lie. It is not for us to say. What you feel is beyond forgiveness may seem fairly insignificant to someone else. It appears from his postings that he is more concerned with the age difference than he is about her having told him any other lies. Either way, very few situations in life are so cut and dried. You must weigh the pros and cons and decide what is the best course of action for yourself. Let us all just wish him the clarity needed to see what is best for the two of them.
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 113
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:15:24 PM
thank you ncrosebud and yes it is sad, at this point i am still wrestling with all the things said on here. I am however, tending to beleive that if she lied about this for so long....... perhaps there is more she lied about. The age diff is not that bad. I really appreciate the discussion this has had and all the opinion I have read every one and thank you all.
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 114
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:29:58 PM
You are right breath I did have some inkling that she looked older at times, but she does a wonderful job of keeping herself and she has a young mind. I should have had the radar on....and let it go cause of that great smile and gorgeous green eyes. Worse things can happen we have had a wonderful time... I feel sad.... very sad at this course of events. We had so many similiar things and may still but the feeling of being duped crops up each time I look at her and wonder if I will be duped again.!!!
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 115
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:57:13 AM
I disagree that this is a sign that she lied about anything else. I think lying about age is the one thing women should be excused for simply because men are SO ridiculous when it comes to age. My age is honest, but I have to say that I've been tempted to lie about it. Men who show me clear and undeniable interest in public wouldn't give me a second look on here because they rule out on age alone. This woman was attractive to you, interesting, and obviously you were in love with her enough to ask her to marry you! NOTHING THAT MATTERS has changed! Would you even be having this concern if you found out she was actually 8 years YOUNGER than you thought? No, I don't think so. It's your hangup, and a hangup most men have, which causes women to have to lie. This is a completely excusable lie and done of necessity because of men's ridiculous notion that they should be older, sometimes much older, when that actually has very little to do with compatibility. You found a compatible mate who you love and to whom you were obviously attracted. Get over yourself, apologize to her for even thinking this was an issue and if she'll still have you, marry her.

As far as men, I believe women have a ridiculous notion that the men should "provide" for them so lying about income is the one man's lie that I would blow off as excusable since it is the most ridiculous "thing that really doesn't matter" that women judge men on.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 116
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:54:33 AM
I understand what you are saying "OneBeachLvr", but do not quite agree with your premise.

Men can be overly youthful when it comes to wanting another, but that is more the physical side than it is the date on their birth certificate. It just happens that most that look the best will also be the youngest, and that seems to be natures way of handling life.

A wrinkle on a man can be looked upon as distinguished, but one on a woman, makes her "older". Some gray on a man at the temples gives men a mature but sexy look, yet a woman with gray will be deemed to old to have around. All of this is more physical then age related, and that is when the trouble starts.

Many many women can cut years off of their looks by using make up, facials, and other techniques to maintain that youthful look, while most men are lucky to change their tie, or get a hair cut......

I believe that most want to make themselves as available and attractive as they can for the greatest amount of those around them, and if they can do that, the one thing that will "rain on their parade" will be stating an age that is many years different from their looks, so some will not tell, or fudge their real age.

Women have done this for ever, and it is not considered a lie but an insult if another even asks their age, yet we put it right up front for all to see on POF, no matter how good or youthful that person may look.

Men do it now as well, almost as much as women, because the equality of dating and the sexes has emerged with sites like this one and the internet. Both sexes are doing searches by numbers and not by looks or ability, and that has expanded the fudging of age in order to not be overlooked, because you might have 45 on your profile, but look 38, and 80% search by those 40 and under.

The cut off for many will be 50, and that is when more and more will stay at 49 for as long as they possibly can. What difference does it really make, as long as when you are searching, you are attracted to the person and not the age on the profile? I wonder what would happen if POF added an income range on the profile, and how many would fudge the amount earned in order to not be excluded just because they make a few dollars less?

I will state once more that I think the age thing is over rated, and I prefer to have as many recent pictures up on a profile and do my search by those that I find the most attractive and interesting, and not by the date on their birth certificate. If a woman can hold my interest at the age of 60, 50, 40, or whatever age they may be, why should I run, instead marvel at how well they take care of themselves both physically and mentally....<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>

Just my opinion.......
 Medina49
Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 117
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:04:57 AM

.if we all told the truth ..the whole truth and nothing but the truth.....we would all be hermits.


It must suck to be anyone who really believes that. I'd rather take the hermits life than live a lie, or find out I'd been lied to. (again)
IF she really was in love with this guy, why live the lie so long?
Two reasons, one, she is so used to lying about "little" things, she forgot.
Two she thought less of this guy- namely he might leave if he found out.
...Nice....
 Medina49
Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 118
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:06:16 AM
Oh, BTW, 30% of the profiles I read...ladies, you aint fooling no one with the age
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 119
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:11:15 AM
Apparently the OP, can't get past this, and all he sees is a liar when he now looks at this wonderful loving accepting woman...

Really to bad, because she apparently before this HORRIBLE slight had been wonderful enough to marry. Now she is nothing but an old aged liar, that was manipulating him into believing one thing, when someone thing else was the truth...


I wonder what would happen if POF added an income range on the profile, and how many would fudge the amount earned in order to not be excluded just because they make a few dollars less?


Yeah that is how it is on some sites... The lies that come out of that question...

Oh well, perhaps the lady doesn't know how lucky she is to have told him this PRIOR to making more plans for a future with him...

Nothing like being convicted of further crimes just because of one silly vanity...

After all now he'll have to wonder if she has some child out there she didn't mention, or if she was really a jail bird, crack fiend, has some horrible uncurable STD, lies on her income taxes, maybe she's murdered her last BF, or embezzles money from her job...AND horrible upon horrible I bet she uses face creams, and colors her hair on top of all this lying...

Maybe the op should ask himself if beside maybe she LOOKED older, that would he have given her a chance if she had stated she was 61, instead of 53... Maybe all she was doing was looking for a partner...Just like he stated he was...

I guess some men feel they need to be sure they will die before their partner, cause Lord knows they don't want to be the one left behind...
 PurpleCrayon~
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 120
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:12:18 AM

Hmmmmm.....thinking........Maybe a person does not feel their age, or look and act it, so should they put occasionally? Would it mean that some times they feel 45, and some times they feel 35 but do not feel 47 that much......

Your smoking occasionally is as much a lie as someone that states 40 when 45, or 49 when 51. Both a deception for personal reasons, and the one part that I can not understand, is that when you light up, there is no doubt that you are smoking, how it looks, smells and treats your body, but you can have another with you that might be 45 according to their birth certificate, but looks younger than your age and what is on your birth certificate, and no one knows the age at all, unless told.


Not the same at all.
Reason:
Someone might smoke a couple of times a day... someone else may smoke a pack a day.. while another...2 packs a day. Distinquishing between 'occassionally and often' in that category is correct and appropriate. There is a difference. Regardless, you still smoke. You're not a non smoker.

Same as with exercising. Does one exercise once a day/several times a week/ occassionally or often, etc.

You can't compare it to feeling like different ages at varying times of the day/week/etc. because regardless, you are the age you are.

Smoking ... no matter how much and NOT stating one is a non smoker is being truthful.. NOT deceptive at all.

There are times I honestly wish we, smokers, could choose, via our mail settings, to not have non smokers contact us. Fair is fair.

Deliberately telling a lie about age is a lie period. It's up to the other Individual, who was lied to, to accept it or not.

But, with smoking, be it occassionally or often, the other Individual knows for certain that smoke is involved. Not a lie.
 Guy4theForums
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 121
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:52:22 AM

MSG#1~OP~Dave4754:Wrote:I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53).

Well how old did she tell you she was in the begining? You say she's now 61 using "now as a time reference" You never do say how old she said she was in the begining. If you knew her 7 years before proposing or 10 days before proposing. How many years did she knock off her age? If you knew her 7.5 years before proposing then she didn't lie much.
So how old was the two of you at the time of meeting her and her fudging years off her age?
LoisLane you must dislike alot of people if you would dislike someone for fudging some age off their true age. My age is correct in my profile but I know a great percentage of people fib about their true age. I think some people,(especially men) Must be looking through a magical mirror because I've looked at a few that certainly look 10 years or more older than what they have as there age listed on their profile.
I don't know what kind of mirrors they own but I want one.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 122
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:54:25 AM
I can't condone the initial lie, but the bigger issue here is that she played this fib for more than six months post engagement. OP it's up to you to decide whether to forgive her or not. Personally I'd be wondering what else she is being deceptive about. The age thing isn't really an issue. If you are truly attracted to her, who cares that she is 8 years older? It's certainly shallow to initiate a breakup based solely on the knowledge she is 8 years older. The time length of the fib is the primary problem here.
 Kyoki
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 123
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:56:07 AM
The age isn't the issue. The lying about the age isn't the issue. The not coming clean way before now is the issue.

I'd back off.
 *LoisLane*
Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 124
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:59:15 AM
RowdySheIs,

I am calm and was such when I wrote it. My disdain for the tolerance of lying is what shines through in my message.

a man or woman lying about being 53, instead of their actual age of 61, would be considered mild, compared to either a man or woman lying about having a child.

I would hazard a guess either you didn't read my messages or your reading comprehension is low. I said he at first lied about liking cats, which is small and insignificant. I think even you might agree to that one.

Past behavior is indicative of all behavior. If this woman is prone to lie about something as benign as her age because it serves her purpose, and her purpose alone, then she will lie about anything. That has been my whole point throughout the entire thread.

Obviously, I wasn't comparing lying about a child to lying about one's age. However, it should be argued that a lie is a lie. Where did you people pick up your morals? What are you teaching your kids?

"Oh, little Johnny, it's ok to lie about how much candy you ate but it is not ok to tell the teacher your dog ate your homework."

What-the-fvck-ever! A lie is a lie is a lie. When you condone lying then you should be expected to be lied to.

Furthermore, who the hell are you to judge hostility and rage in my posts? I was accused of having no compassion by some woman who condones lying and doesn't know me. I believe I have a right to read her the riot act for that one. (If you don't like it, don't read my posts. Trust me I don't care, either way.) Especially, since I am the kind of person who goes out of my way to help those I don't know and would do anything in my power to help those I do.
 Mint Ice Cream
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 125
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:02:10 AM
My opinion is just because u lie about your age, doesnt mean u lie about everything else. I do fib on occasion about mine because I have notice in Las Vegas, I am judged by my age. People put u out to pasture like an old horse and u get discriminated against in the job market. SO if that is all I lie about, who cares? Who's business is it anyway. And if a guy gets serious about me and and cant handle the truth, then God bless, he can move on. Some people get so anal about BS.
JMO
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