| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:40:41 AM | I believe most of us possess romance and emotions. It's the degree of these that varies from person to person.
If you believe that you NEED to be "clingy", then you may want to date someone that does not mind that type of woman. However, if you think you can scale that back a bit without compromising your needs/wants, etc......then that is a decision that you need to make. You don't want to change yourself if this is who you are and what you desire out of a relationship.
Personally, I love romance and coddling my man and vice versa. However, I NEED/EXPECT for us to maintain our individualities and have our space as well. I believe this is healthy and it makes your time together all the more special. Plus, your time away from each other makes you miss one another.
Can't stand to feel suffocated in a relationship. But that's me.
Best,
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:40:47 AM | "You want to know what clingy is? The last person I dated took it to the extreme. Was at my work everyday when I got off. Checked my cell phone to see who called me. Checked my computer to see the sites I visited. Purposely was mean to my friends so they wouldn't come around. Didn't give me any space to just breathe. "
That's not clingy...thats an insecure control psycho stalker
She scared the shit out of me.
She left Christmas of last year and this should tell you something; I just got my sexual appetite back a couple of months ago. She turned me off so much that I didn't want to have sex not just with her, but with any woman. Still haven't had sex yet but the next woman I do with is going to wonder what the hell just happened to her. I guarantee that. I'm that horny.
Topschelf, when a woman constantly brings the suicide card into play telling me I'll know where to find her when she does indeed do it, what the hell am I supposed to do? Walk away and have that on my conscious? The only thing on my mind was how in the hell to get out of this situation without her harming herself. There was no love there and that's what you don't understand. When she showed herself for her she truly was, the love was gone and I wanted out. I have never experienced anything like that and I handled it the best way I could. If you think something else then so be it. | |
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custis
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Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 28 | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:55:51 AM |
That's not clingy...thats an insecure control psycho stalker.
Galonthemt, there are two sides to every story and I suspect someone is not being very honest and blowing something up to be bigger than it really was. I've seen many men in my time who never admitted to any fault or blame, whether it be someone I dated, someone else's situation or even a friend. Either way, I am seeing right through this one, people don't just act out for no reason at all without instigation and why did he stay with her for over a year and not have sex with her, obviously he loved her for some reason and she wasn't all that bad, it seems he uses and tweaks this past relationship as a crutch to make himself look and feel good in this forum, I've seen the prior posts about it.
I would say that's not a man I would want to date, but a man to be cautious of, you women hearing me? | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:05:24 AM | topschelf.............I was only responding to what he posted. If he is less than honest thats on him. But the behavior he described is stalker psycho behavior in any event.
And anytime one posts here it is only one side of a story. We can only give an opinion on what we are reading.
The behavior he described is wayyyyyyyyyy beyond clingy. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:17:01 AM | leave it to a capricorn to hit the nail on the head. can not add anything to your post
hopeful you said it all as though right out of my thoughts on the subject. we can not change the way we feel or for that matter try to.
bless you,
M.V. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:17:17 AM |
Topschelf, when a woman contantly brings the suicide card into play telling me I'll know where to find her when she does indeed do it, what the hell am I supposed to do? I have never experienced anything like that.
That's not even what I am referring to jimtash, what I was referring to was the fact that you show no compassion for another person that you chose to have in your life for over a year and you 'wonder' why she acted out the way she did? How cruel!
You mention no where in any of your posts about loving her at all, everything you say is negative and shows no love or even remorse for staying with someone you supposedly didn't never loved. Why would anyone stay with someone they didn't love for that long, it sounds to me like you never told her, she probably knew you didn't love her and tried her best to make it work anyway because you didn't leave. Either way, I don't really know, but it seems you are only telling 'your' side of the story, and your side makes me sick.
Your words:
It took me close to a year to get rid of her
"get rid of", like a bug, your words, not mine. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:23:18 AM |
topschelf.............I was only responding to what he posted. If he is less than honest thats on him. But the behavior he described is stalker psycho behavior in any event. And anytime one posts here it is only one side of a story. We can only give an opinion on what we are reading. The behavior he described is wayyyyyyyyyy beyond clingy.
I understand galonthemt, my post wasn't directed at you in any way. I promise!
And yes the behavior may be beyond clingy, but I don't believe in any way that this ex just did these things for fun, I believe there is more to it and I have seen what men do and say to women (and visa-versa) too many times and I know the personality type to look out for, and this is one of them. Read the posts, no fault anywhere, not even for staying with a person who he didn't want to be with, think about the damage on both sides mentally. Seriously! | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:26:06 AM | Topschelf, read this. My only thought was how to get out without her harming herself. Can you not comprehend that? I did not want her harming herself in any way. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I try and make it work even though I'll be miserable which I tried? Or do I get up and leave and hope she doesn't kill herself? Do you not get it? Can you not read? What the hell was I supposed to do? Tell me since you think I'm this mean piece of shit.
You sound just like her too. Over use the word compassion. Shit.
Edited. And that was after I had the cops kick my door in. Last December when I finally was to my breaking point and didn't even care. Two weeks later she was gone. But how many times before did I put up with it? You're not seeing that. I put up with the suicide threats for over a year and honey, the time comes when you just have say fuck it. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:33:12 AM |
Topschelf, read this. My only thought was how to get out without her harming herself. Can you not comprehend that?
BS, If I remember correctly, you posted something a little while back in another thread that stated something to the effect of you "told her to take it outside so the mess would be easier to clean up if she was going to kill herself"
I know I am pretty close on that one. Sorry some women don't forget things like that, I think you are sick and need help. Normal members of society don't just say things like that, and just like kitten is talking in the other thread about violence, I think you are a prime suspect to some sort of violence, maybe verbal and/or mental, I don't know, but normal people just don't talk like that and what woman would want to be with a man like that either? | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:43:38 AM | jimtash,
I think I just recently called off my wedding to her twin brother.....seriously.
Funny thing is he claimed I didn't love him as much as he loved me, because I didn't act like that myself. And I am very affectionate.
OT
If it's part of who you are and what you need, then it's a character trait. But what did you see in this guy that made you fall in love with him in the first place?
There has to be reasons you decided to set up house together. Remind yourself of them.
If there are other issues between the two of you that make you incompatible, act on solving them to your best interest.
But you certainly cannot fairly define the depth of your love, or anyone else's by a 'cling-o-meter'. It's when you do that it becomes a flaw.
hnh
edit:
There is a world of difference but only a fine line between being touchy-feely and wanting to spend a lot of time with someone you love, and being suffocatingly clingy. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:43:48 AM |
Edited. And that was after I had the cops kick my door in. Last December when I finally was to my breaking point and didn't even care and two weeks later she was gone. But how many times before did I put up with it? You're not see that.
Excuses!!! You should have left as soon as you realized you didn't love her! I think a lot of people see right through you, talking about how you were always picked on in school and then lost all this weight, you act like you know so much about women in these threads and then you talk about hanging on to a girlfriend who you stayed with because she was going to kill herself? I just can't hold back anymore. I think it was all an ego boost for you, and now you get to talk bad about an ex who probably just loved you for you. What a man here folks!
Sorry. (--> That's called 'remorse', even though I may not mean it, I am saying it anyway) | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:50:33 AM | My question I have for you is: Do you think being clingy is a personality trait? Should I surpass this relationship as failed and find someone who appreciates the little things I do so that I'm not taken for granted? Or should I stick with this one and see if I can change my ways of being too clingy? I'm very stuck as to whether I'm the problem, he's the problem, or we're just not right for eachother.
I do think it's a personality type (or a deeply conditioned habit) - however it can be overcome if both want to meet in the middle on it.
I am the same way about space - I don't call a lot, I don't have to see someone whenever I have free time, I like my space as much as I like spending time with someone else. I like equal amounts of both. In my case I get a reaction out of men because they're used to other women being so attentive that they think I am not, but I don't think it's very different from their personality.
If you are willing to relax a little for him and he's willing to give you a bit more attention for your sake than it could work...but if neither of you want to budge, you're in for a hard road.
Also, you mentioned lack of emotion and romance, and those are biggies as well...space is one thing, but those things are added strains to what's already happening. Those things IMO will be harder to live with....I am rather non emotional and unromantic, but I am totally the odd man out when it comes to this - MOST women like those things, and will feel terrible without them. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:58:36 AM | Regardless of the prior posts, I think Randominternetguy has it right on in his posting:
Randominternetguy
Msg: 9
I would say something like "clingy" or whatever other label others may give it, is more ingrained in your personality rather than a flaw to be corrected. Just as someone who likes more "space" is not right or wrong, it's simply how they are...
...The trick is, to find someone who sees it as an asset, rather than a detriment. This kind of issue often occurs because what may attract two people may be their differences, and a power play develops as each tries to declare their way the right way, or the way it should be.
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:25:01 AM | thats beyond clingy jim. you should have gave the lady with the gumbo a chance lol.
You mean pot roast? I did and she said no.
What kills me is that a certain poster here is twisting this around. Listen, she's on her own and doing well. And whether you think so or not, yeah I do care that she is doing good. That in the end is all that matters because no one should harm themselves over anyone else.
And I already know what you're going to say (this is not directed at you kitten).
BTW kitten, thanks for the compliment. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:52:31 AM | uglybetty msg. #38: "If you are willing to relax a little for him and he's willing to give you a bit more attention for your sake than it could work...but if neither of you want to budge, you're in for a hard road."
I believe this is the key as well, Betty. The odds of finding and connecting with someone who has the exact same requirements/needs for togetherness, space or autonomy is pretty remote. Just as in other aspects of the relationship, there needs to be some communication from the couple about what their desires are and as in most healthy relationships, some degree of compromise. IOW, for each to feel they are being heard and understood by their partner, each needs to give a little in order to gain a lot.
I believe the factors that start playing a role as to the relationship being in trouble, are two-fold. First, if there exists one or both extremes of these characteristics (whether one chooses to call it 'personality type' or 'flaw'), the need for and amount of compromise becomes extreme. IMO, the opposite extreme of what OP calls "clingy", would be "cold fish". As humans, we all strive for love, affection, intimacy. Some are overbearing with it and some are almost void of it. For two people on completely opposite ends of the intimacy spectrum, I think it highly unlikely that each could or would be willing to compromise, as the middle ground will still remain too removed from and unable to provide each what they need or require. Secondly, as the OP states, she is "used to" a certain level of closeness/togetherness based on her prior relationships. The question then becomes, would she be as willing to compromise knowing that others can give it, or, does she continue with someone who is less willing?
The bottom line (IMO), is that we are not, OMG, TRYING TO CHANGE our partner into something they are not, but rather, compromising in the spirit of love for one another and the success of the relationship. When compromise becomes sacrifice, I think the gap is too wide to be bridged without resentment.....especially if it is usually one-sided.
~ds~ | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:31:23 AM | | I don't think that clingy is necessarily a flaw.. but you just need to find someone who is compatible to you in that way. A really clingy guy would make me crazy... but would be perfect for you. It's all about individual personality. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:36:58 AM | It is a sign of insecurity. Don't worry, every woman is insecure. This repels most young men. You could try pretending you are not, but it won't work. You will keep repelling men by being clingy, unless you go for an older guy who is actually looking for a serious relationship.
Personally, I like clingy women. Just don't get mad if you are taken for granted. Men are obtuse that way.
To answer you question. Yes it is a personality trait shared by all women. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:55:54 AM | ^^^ "To answer you question. Yes it is a personality trait shared by all women."
Maybe all but two.....the two I married.
C'mon, it's not a woman thing, it's a human thing (as well as many other animals). And the degree to which each person seeks affection and intimacy varies with each individual.
~ds~ | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:51:15 AM | I have been called clingy and too intense in the past..... i did wonder if i should try and tone it down, but decided in the end to just be myself , and try and find someone who was the same as me..... and i HAVE found him..... trying to be something you are not is hard work, takes some effort, is taxing on the brain, and generally not worth it in the long run. You WILL find someone who is like you...... dont dispair...... and dont change for anyone.
Take care,
Nicki x
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:18:52 PM | In response to msgs 43 & 46.....
Why do so many people call this an insecurity and/or a flaw? When youre in love with someone youre ALWAYS going to be insecure in the early stages. That is if the relationship matters a hill of beans to you, anyway. Its just a human emotion. Some of us deal with that emotion by wanting to cling to our lover as much as possible, and yes this means we're deriving happiness from someone else.
So what?!
My parents have been hanging all over each other for 48 years of marriage. They make each other happy & are miserable when the other is away. Its not negative to NEED another person to be happy. We're emotional creatures who need each other for survival. If this generation of singles would stop over-analyzing things to death & just let themselves love freely and intensely, perhaps there would be many more happy endings than divorces.
All this need for "space" is crap. When youre in love, youre no longer an individual. You become part of an "us". And doing so is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I wish more people would stop being so afraid to submit to that. It would be a happier & easier world if they did. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:21:01 PM | i think being clingy is a trait. i never thought i am, but when i say i wanna be called/talked to everyday, to some people, they find that clingy, or "high maintenance". to me, it's communication!
if i can see my bf everyday, that'd be coolio! to my cousin, it's "too much"....so i totally understand your whole take on feeling clingy. i think i actually am clingy, as much as i try to say otherwise.
i actually asked about this to people. one guy said, every one has "needs" in terms of being in a relationship. your need can be different from my need, none-the-less, whatever it is we "need", it should be fulfilled by the partner. if not, then why are you still with him?
...and then it's your call to figure out the rank of this "need" of him to be receptive to your clingyness or not. | |
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