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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 2/10/2009 5:36:30 PM | | April maybe the reason you feel you have to focus on him all the time is because you have a void in your life period. Maybe take a class, voluntier or find your mission . Relationships are just one part of a persons life granted they are a big part but you were put on this earth for a purpose go find it. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:26:30 PM | i think its a type of personality, just like any other character trait; an as long as your dealing w/a guy who wants to be needed or is clingy too its not a prob, when u find a guy who is abusive..he will take adv and if u find a guy who is independent, you will find him trying to get away and as a result hurting your feelings.
anything can and is a flaw, depending on the circumstances, the amount and the people involved | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:53:36 PM | I think it's a good topic... and lot's of people at your age can be perceived as "clingy".. wanting a certain amount of contact from your side and he not fulfilling it on his side is relative... I think in the beginning we do tend to bond with the getting to know you stage... I think at a young age time seems like eternity between times that you see one another... I am going off memory here.
As you get to know one another and you have a job or school to go to and so does he and you find you just would rather throw caution to the wind and stay together then to go to work or school then that's a problem.. reality isn't part of the equation. So not knowing what you mean exactly by being to clingy.... I am not sure how to respond.... | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:35:54 AM | I dont think being clingy is a flaw to be corrected per say although it is something that if you are this way that you at least recognize it so that it doesnt become a problem where you are reliant on your partner for your own emotional happiness.
I had an ex-fiancee who was very clingy. Things were great and fantastic, we did everything together. I really quite didnt mind.
It became a problem now and again whenever I had a female friend (she moved to my city and honestly, I bumped into a few girls and got to know them, but mostly because I thought that I could introduce her to them so that they could be friends, its hard for women to meet woman friends in this city) because she'd get insecure. Now if this kind of thing is happening, then you have a problem. Obviously if a guy is spending alone time with other girls you have a problem way beyond your own clingy behavior, in fact that can make a normally non-clingy person clingy all on it's own. However if you have a problem with a girl spending time with your SO right in front of your very eyes then you should address your own personal issues before getting upset with your partner. In my own case her best friend and I got along really well. I'd never see her best friend alone, she'd come into town to see both of us. Her friend and I would talk and drink for hours, and my clingy ex would get enraged at both me and her friend, why, I will never truly understand other than that she was very insecure. I'd want her to hang out, but she'd just take off and go to sleep, leaving us alone when that was something that neither me or her friend really wanted because it made us feel awkward.
In the end what happened with my clingy ex-fiancee was at some point she decided that she just "wasnt happy". Those two ubiquitous and horrible words. We went to counselling. Her gripes were that I didnt want to play baseball with her (she had taken on playing in beer league). That I didnt want to play hockey with her (she had decided to get into playing drop in hockey). That I never went grocery shopping with her (I normally prefer to shop alone, I hate grocery shopping and I find it's faster if I just do it myself because I'm like turbo by myself but with another it was painfully slow so I'd just offer do to it on my own). Basically that I didn't want to do what she wanted to do. The counsellor tried to explain to her that we both have our own seperate lives but are together at the same time. Didnt work. Inevitably, I was to blame for everything, because I wasnt involved in every aspect of her life.
That is when clingy is a problem. She was very clingy, but didn't realize it. On the flipside, I didn't mind when she did things on her own, it gave me some time and space to do my own thing, hang out with friends, get drunk, shoot paintball guns and pellet guns in the back yard, wrestle with my buddies, listen to loud music she hated. I never asked her to leave me be or give me alone time, but when she did it I appreciated the space sometimes. However little did I know that she was festering all of these resentments, that when she decided she wanted to do something, that I didn't share her clingyness - and insist on getting involved in the same things as she.
Where it came to a head I guess was that she wanted to move to South Africa for six months. And she was upset that I didn't want to leave Canada and go with her. I mean I could humor her and play baseball once in a while, or practice skating with her, go to her symphony concerts, thats part of being in a relationsihp, to just humor your partner sometimes and give of yourself to make them happy. But moving to the opposite side of the world for six months is a bit extreme. SO she got "unhappy".
I'm not trying to take over the thread but I've seen where clingy personalities go over a 9 year relationship. It starts by wanting to be with your SO all the time, and it's quite sweet, at this stage it's not a problem to even worry about. If your SO doesn't appreciate it, you just need to communicate your needs and if they mismatch with his then either move on or deal with it. It then translates into jealousy, at this point it's a problem too - if you find your getting jealous in situations where jealousy is inappropriate, look into yourself to try to rectify the issue before it gets worse. And when it gets worse it translates into infidelity and cheating. Ie: My partner isnt spending enough time with me, so maybe I'll spend time with someone else. If you find your in this situation then get into counselling right away because your going to destroy your relationship. After infidelity, it translates into resentment: resenting your partner for not wanting the same thing as you. If you end up at this stage, you've got to realize that the problem is most certainly not your partner, it's you.
Clingy can be a good thing because it shows that you adore this person and want to be around them whenever you can. However recognize it, understand it, and learn to deal with your emotions properly so you do not develop false seperation anxieties, jealousies or infidelitous behaviors as a result of it. It's very cute and healthy to miss your partner when they are away. It's very destructive if you need attention so badly that you get angry or upset with them when they are away or seek attention of someone else. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:46:43 AM | | Showing someone that you appreciate them by wanting to spend time with them and do things with and for them is great---to a point. If you're the type who goes overboard to the degree where the other party feels smothered and can't turn around without you in their face and you can't maintain any relationships because this is the constant determining factor for the break-ups, yes, it's a flaw to be corrected or at the very least controlled. "Togetherness" is great but some measure of autonomy is also healthy in relationships. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/15/2009 1:53:04 PM | kinda know where you are coming from at the moment, all i can say is i would never have considered myself the "clingy" type, i love my own space too much.
This guy is prob making you feel vunerable i never thought i would feel like that. its his actions that are making you think you are clingy.
do what i did go with your head and your gut, dump him. not saying it wont hurt but at least you wont feel like you are "weak" in someway | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/15/2009 2:08:08 PM |
Now before you hiss at me for being clingy, just think about my situation and try and put yourself in my shoes. I'm a very romantic/loving person and I guess I've just never had to deal with this before. Now that it's a problem I'm going to have to figure out what to do about it. I love love, and my head is telling me that I should move on and find someone that will appreciate it. I find myself more and more clingy, the more distant he is.
OP...You are only 21, be proud of yourself for having the strength and awareness to be able to recognize these traits. The truth is there is nothing wrong with you, is it a trait that I have? NO, but i've had so many years ahead of you to find my own independence and appreciate it for what it is. I love my own space and can appreciate and respect that others would too.
With age and experiences comes an acceptance of who we are....once you know yourself so well you will enjoy your own company and the clingness tends to disapear... | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:38:41 AM | | Personally I think you have every right to have your needs met, just not with him. You can't change someone into how you want them to be, no matter how hard you try. I was in a similr relationship to this,and the guy is till a friend but we didn't really work a as boyfriend and girlfriend. I wanted him to be a bit more affectionate, hold my hand when we were out and stuff, but it was not his style. I think the very sense of feeling this incompatability where you want more contact makes you miserable. You do want to feel loved ...that's natural but maybe he is not the man for the job. There's a huge difference between a friendly catch up call evey now and to not letting someone breathe or stalking. Just because he's a great guy and you're a great girl doesn't mean you're great for each other. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:07:04 AM | What you are feeling is the void of being with a cold fish. There are people that when in a relationship like to touch, show their emotions, kiss in public, hold hands, cuddle, yes have great sex, cuddle more, give each other massages, spend a whole day in bed naked making love, hanging doing nothing.
Then doing also other things. Together and apart.
That is not being clingy. That is called BEING AFFECTIONATE.
What I think is going on is that this guy is using your insecurity to label you clingy.
If you still feel an emotional void from this guy. It's time to change the guy, because you are not going to change him. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:25:18 AM | I was ina relationship very much like this once. He SAID he loved me all the time, & CLAIMED he was the romantic type, but most of the time I simply felt neglected. I tried bringing the issue to his attention but he just shrugged it off. We started fighting, almost always over minor things as we began making each other miserable & finally I decided enough was enough & I left him.
If you can make it work, that's great! But I have a similar clingy/affectionate type personality that demands closeness to a partner. Just being in the same room as someone does not work. Little shows of affection are more important than words. You can say "I love you" until your tongue falls out & it will still not be as important as an unasked for hug to the clingy type. Especially in the beginning of a new relationship.
More often than not, however, it will not work out. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:33:27 PM | | I am not at all convinced you are "clingy." If a man is really into you, especially at the outset of a relationship, he doesn't want "space." The phrase, "I need some space" almost invariably means one of two things: 1) I've met someone else, or 2)I'd like to meet someone else. Is that possible? | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:31:01 PM | If you think you might be codependent (when clingy-ness messes with your life so much that it's a psychological problem), look up Codependents Anonymous; they can possibly help. Many people with diagnosed social anxiety are codependent. I am one of them.
I can tell you as a clingy person that I've been in relationships with other clingy people and been in relationships with independent types, and the latter has never, ever worked. I know, because of the way I am (hard-wired or changeable, whichever) that I needed someone with that trait/flaw. Someone with a "healthy" sense of boundaries (ie, going out with friends frequently, having a full life away from the relationship, not "needing" me in the same way I "need" him....well, that relationship is doomed.
You either need to change being clingy (which isn't easy) or you need to date other clingy people. Rarely does a relationship work in which one partner is independent and the other clingy. | |
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| Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:44:08 PM | | The guy just says you're clingy because he's not into you. If a guy is into you, it's not clingy, it's thoughtful and makes him happy. There is a point where a person can be too clingy but I don't think the OP qualifies for that. | |
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