| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:24:41 PM |
in which case the responsibility for the demise of a relationship falls to those unwilling to discuss. I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but I don’t think it’s an indicator of “fault”… sometimes you just want things to end, because deep down, you KNOW that all the talking in the world isn’t going to change things… finger pointing is useless, as both sides are usually to blame, if it doesn’t seem that way, you’re probably not looking back far enough in history.
There is no logic to a relationship. Sometimes the feeling just fades and it isn't an issue of fault. I agree that you shouldn’t expect a logical answer, but you should be able to expect a reasonable answer.
If it just fades away, I would have to ask WHY?... there has to be a reason… something must have changed... unless of course it wasn’t there in the first place, and we just thought it was.
Contrary to some peoples belief… sh1t doesn’t just happen… people make sh1t happen.
dianthus, none of that was directed at you specifically… | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:52:50 PM | I wonder if everybody equalizes LOVE to Relationship. Isn’t it common that many relationships aren’t base on love, and many who love each other but aren’t in a relationship due to certain reasons?
Love is a feeling that hardly be explained nor logical, especially unconditional love. Being in love is a feeling probably impossible to control; being in a relationship is an action, by choice. When one can evaluate the “total package” before “falling in love”, I would say that’s conditional love, not that there is anything wrong with it, but different with unconditional love. IMHO
Isn’t it there a saying, if you love someone, set him/her free…. ? | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:40:30 AM | Or if ur urges are at an all time high (aka for women around 50 years of age)
Is that true? I always thought women were all done in their 40's on account of menopause. Maybe i need to come out of my cave more often. I hope you're not just yankin' my chain, i might just go for one of these old gals. They got everything else goin' for them but i didn't know they still had urges to have relations. hmmm | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/19/2008 3:11:41 AM |
I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but I don’t think it’s an indicator of “fault”… sometimes you just want things to end, because deep down, you KNOW that all the talking in the world isn’t going to change things… finger pointing is useless, as both sides are usually to blame, if it doesn’t seem that way, you’re probably not looking back far enough in history.
i don't like to use the word fault because I DO believe it is the responsibility of both to keep the lines open. it is when these lines close, for whatever reason, that the relationship is headed to an end.
I wonder if everybody equalizes LOVE to Relationship. Isn’t it common that many relationships aren’t base on love, and many who love each other but aren’t in a relationship due to certain reasons?
although we are heading slightly off course from the main question there is relevance between the two areas.
certainly, there are relationships that aren't based on love and love without relationships. And yes it is because of circumstances but what is love without a relationship based on? is it not based on a feeling and isn't that feeling one of compatibility and isn't that compatibility based on a form of communication?
if we are able to leave lust out of the equation is it not possible to equate love to a mindset? | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:48:18 AM | | I've been "in love" so many times in my life, I've had in easy time being in love, but have a hard time staying in love. So imo it does exist, but as its been said here, its often present as different degrees, my last ex was much more into "us" than I was. Hence why she's an ex. BTW does anyone think love for an ex should be non-existant. One drunken night, I blurted out that a part of me would always love and care for an old partner, I explained to my GF that it wasn't in the romantic sense, but just as someone that shared a very long time in my life...She made me feel guilty, as if I was wrong to care for an ex in anyway. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:17:30 PM | | She probably feels about the same as you would if she said she still was, and always would be, physically attracted to her ex. When we say we want a man who is sensitive, we mean to our feelings not his own. No need to cry for us but please take the time to consider our feelings before blurting out some potentially hurtful information that didn't really need to be shared. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:19:02 PM | So, if we really love someone, we should lie and hide our feelings about other people to make them happy.
It’s not that hard to find a man who’s more “sensitive” to a woman’s feelings than his own… just don’t be shocked when he leaves you for a women who doesn’t require as much “sensitivity”.
If you have to tippy toe around the person you love, maybe, their not “the one”. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:16:52 AM | You totally missed the point. It isn't a matter of tippy toeing around but being considerate of one another's feelings. Is it really necessary to tell a current partner that you still care for the last one? No one wants to hear that type of news. It leads to uncertainty and insecurity.
As to the sensitivity part, it was said tongue in cheek. I was attempting to bring a bit of levity to the thread since it seems like one of the few that is getting any action. *another attempt at dating humor*. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:38:25 AM | c'mon now, CP's only mistake was blurting it out. many of us, male and female, still hold some ex's as friends we just don't make it known. it's just one more little white secret we keep to ourselves. there is no sexual desire just an honest feeling of maintaining a friendship.
why do i feel that jealousy is raising its ugly head? | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:50:52 AM | So what if he told his recent girl friend that he still "loves" someone from his past! If you don't still hold 'well wishing' feelings for someone you shared your time with, what were you doing with them in the first place? I mean really??!?
There's being 'in love' with someone, and then there's loving them for who they are and what they've shared with you in your life. Big difference. I love my friends, male or female. That doesn't mean I'm 'in love' with them, wanting to be intimate in every way. No thanks! LOL
I give the guy credit for his brutal honesty. Of course his current girl friend would flinch at hearing such a thing, feel a little hurt. But she should come to understand the meaning behind it. He is with her now. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:25:25 AM | It goes without saying....
That is a saying that should be applied to things like this, for a reason. Saying it can be hurtful, but we all feel this way about exes...Dont want to be with them, but will always care what happens to them. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:50:39 AM |
No one wants to hear that type of news. It leads to uncertainty and insecurity. That type of news doesn’t lead to insecurity… it exposes insecurity which was pre-existing, which leads to jealousy.
It goes without saying.... When you apply that “saying”, all you’re doing is making assumptions… Assumptions will lead to insecurity and uncertainty a lot faster than an open conversation ever will. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:26:20 AM | I agree with flyin here...lay down the truth and deal.
the realization that a human has the power to communicate the issue opens the door to solving cuz avoiding the conversation does not allow leveling. deception and avoiding will only gain more confusion ..............clarity comes from discussion not from controling behaviour and manipulating/avoiding the facts.
to expect to meet a human who does not have feeling's for past folks and not allow open discussion sets yourself into sabatoge of your own reality.
I would expect some strong feelings on the surface or just below...they are waiting for validation of their core decisions and a soft place to lay down there pain....love is about accepting there character defects as well as the strong features...would you not want to know and secure the base of the relationship or do you expect it to be MAGIC????
when you have the privilige of holding your partners pain with care you have a real good starting point at building trust for tomorrow. Validation belongs in the discovery stages to promote resolution of past pain.......no????
to bury unresolved feelings is expecting your partner to not be true to themself....that is not a level surface and is selfish and short on offering equal respect. IMO....you want a strong relationship do not avoid the uncomfortable...solve it and put solid enery in its place.
to have a person open and assume it is for you to judge them shows your not genuine in the intrest section cuz your not focusing on what YOU OFFER them in the security of validation and your assuming the process is to sooth your character needs and not strengthing your partners security in decisions from past.
If a human allows you into the core...remember is a privilige to be behind the wall of their strengths and please treat that ground with respect and from the perception of validating there hearts not chit kicking there brain..shakes head.
goodluck lil fish...
just because someone has feelings for past folks does not mean they have less for you...sounds like sibling rivalry for a parents affection...get into adult love and recognize you allowing child and adult love confusion to roost in your fear.
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:22:39 AM | For myself, I would be more concerned if a man told me he had absolutely no feelings one way or another about every ex he had...then if he told me he would always care. But that is me.
I was just saying that I dont see the need to verbalise the sentiment with someone new in your life. I guess for me it just seems redundant to actually state it...but I keep forgetting we dont always run across 'normal' here in POFLand. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:56:28 AM | Nobody said that it should be blurted out on the first date… or the 10’th for that matter… all I was saying is that, it shouldn’t be a topic which is off limits with someone you love… aren’t you suppose to be able to talk about everything?
In case you haven’t noticed, redundancy and assumptions are very “normal” for POFLand. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:26:15 AM | yes you are spose to be able to share your worst and your best. Timing is everything me thinks...so is choosing which part of the energy to hold.
How can you expect a person to secure your trust unless they know your deepest pain...that is just stupid and lacks integrity. If it took you this long to sort out your feelings and you know that changes or should change as life progresses ...how could you not expect the partner to require the same process?????
especially guys cuz they are creatures who bury their pain untill you seek it out...is a habbit from them harboring the strength card not realizing each lil hit in the love department weekens there spirit. i just can not understand how a human can require a process and than not offer the same process to the person they claim to care about...that to me spells
...timing and knowing yourself is key to learning about others..IMO anyway.
expect to treat others how you give to them...if your controling and avoiding issues
from his past cuz you are allowing ALL that energy to enter your core(choose what you take back to your core...do not take this energy from partner...leave it with him to solve in his heart...trust yourself)...the stuff he tells you is not ment to challange your esteem...it is ment to give you an oppertunity to score trust.
do not bring his unresolved back to your pile...leave that energy with him to resolve when he feels your security(remember his problem must be solved by him)...wait for him to process and give him time to reconnect those feelings and transfer that pain to trust for you...this process is not instant ... it will happen when you trust your own character...
..let logic snap on the fear and do not give gravity to your fear hun...if he is the right guy he will bloom under the security of feeling your safety to do so...if he does not feel trust and security he will bolt and look for a human who has better timing and can help him resolve. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 3:32:07 PM | Coyote brings an interesting apsect to this thread.
I think its a far too common aspect but nevertheless...
Since he has presented his personal experiences and situation up, it opens up discussion of his personal experiences and situation....SO ...
1) He could be just an insensitive *%#& for bringing up his feelings of an "ex'
OR
2)He could just be showing his sensitivity in that he cares about the women he has sucked into having relationship with him.
Well lets examine a few facts from his own words ( paraphrasing)
-he chooses to have relationships with women who he does not have very deep feelings for. Thus he has prefered to be in relationships guaranteed to end rather than to be alone until he discovers who is and what he really wants.
-he gets drunk and uses that as an excuse for "blurting out" something that maybe should have been said in a more appropriate time. Buddy, alcohol is no excuse for stupidity.....if you get stupid when you drink....quit drinking ...PERIOD!
-his profile says he is "not looking". He apparently has a "interesting" relationship. Lets assume its an open one. Well not even assume....for he is looking for "FRIENDS"....but note NOT Married Friends...no he wants only single friends who will meet him alone for a coffee. mmmm.....Contradiction ??? ya ! I would say.
Man, Coyote, you can get peed off at what I am saying here...and I want you to know I am not saying this to be hurtful......
but it does not seem you know what you really want.....
You will not find love by beginning a relationship on an "open" basis..... ( actually I have only seen this work in long term relationships where love has already been developed but it is certainly not recommended for everyone)
You will end up hurting someone or being hurt.....or maybe thats what makes this easier
....you are too much afraid of being hurt ....so you settle for non-committment ! | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:17:46 PM |
That type of news doesn’t lead to insecurity… it exposes insecurity which was pre-existing, which leads to jealousy.
I disagree. Most people, even the most secure of individuals, feel a certain amount of uncertainty in the early stages of a relationship. It is during this time that you are learning about the other person and figuring out if the relationship has merit. It is safe to assume that the other party is going through the same process. It is a period of uncertainty that relates to the circumstances and not the individual's character.
I am not implying that we should have no feelings for past loves. It would be unrealistic to think anyone over 20 had never loved before or been hurt before. I simply think there are some things that are better left unsaid. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:03:47 PM |
I disagree. Most people, even the most secure of individuals, feel a certain amount of uncertainty in the early stages of a relationship. It is during this time that you are learning about the other person and figuring out if the relationship has merit. It is safe to assume that the other party is going through the same process. It is a period of uncertainty that relates to the circumstances and not the individual's character. You’re right, except the topic of the thread is talking about love, which to me indicates a relatively well established relationship… unless you fall in love after a couple of dates.
If an individual claims to be in love and can’t listen to their partner talk about past relationships, then how secure are they in that relationship?... It’s very much an indicator of a persons character.
If it relates to the circumstances, then under what circumstances is it ok?,.. or is it ever ok? | |
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