| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:12:48 PM | | i have to agree with Flyin's opinion. although i would have to say that if one is in a long standing relationship one would know the personality of the other. in which case they would/should already know if it is ok or not. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:11:44 PM | Not to worry. When he thinks it is
Synchronicity...meant to be...
, openly flirting with you in the public, spends most if not all his free time with you, ignoring other "friends", going on cruises and business trips with you... I think it is pretty certain that he is in love with you now. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:51:47 PM |
You’re right, except the topic of the thread is talking about love, which to me indicates a relatively well established relationship… unless you fall in love after a couple of dates.
If an individual claims to be in love and can’t listen to their partner talk about past relationships, then how secure are they in that relationship?... It’s very much an indicator of a persons character.
If it relates to the circumstances, then under what circumstances is it ok?,.. or is it ever ok?
Love was the initial topic of conversation but it moved on to the new topic which was Coyote's blurting and whether he was right or wrong to discuss his prior loves while in a drunken stupor. I didn't read into his message that this was a long-term loving relationship but perhaps that was my misinterpretation.
So, tell us Coyote Prince, is this a long-standing a loving relationship in which both you and your partner are assured of the feelings of the other and are comfortable discussing any topic? Or is it a fairly new relationship where the boundaries are still being set? | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:11:28 PM |
I didn't read into his message that this was a long-term loving relationship but perhaps that was my misinterpretation. I just re-read what Coyote wrote, he didn’t say either way what stage they were at… I get your point. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:23:48 AM | I think that when it is really truly Love, you want to know more about the one that you love. It could be very uncomfortable to hear how much your SO feels for someone from their past. But that would be dependant on how much and what kind of contact they still have..... like, what if the ex was the SO's roommate? That might be more than any fledgling relationship could handle. Also, the relationship between the ex and the current SO.... do they know each other? Why would the subject of that ex come up?
I do believe that it's natural to discuss past SOs with a current SO. In my opinion, it's a slow, gradual process. "I was married for X amount of years" would grow into more info eventually. Our past is part of us. Anyone wanting to know us more (possibly loving us) would want to know what makes us tick. Hopefully, a couple will get many decades to make those discoveries. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:29:51 AM | msg 105-My way of thinking was he 'blurted it out when drinking'...not exactly the perfect setting to have this type of conversation...whether it is with a longstanding SO or a new relationship. It is a sensitive topic and I think some care should be put into the conversation. I dont think you can be really tactful and on your toes if you are drunk at the time.
I do not advovate tippy toing around someone -we should be ourselves...but maybe also show some dignity and class.
Not to slam coyote, but the whole scene sounds a bit immature to me? But I am old...so, take that with a grain of salt! LOL
If people need to talk about sensitive issues, being drunk is not really the best time to do that....but that's me, not a big drinker anyways. I am Irish, but do not require traditional Irish courage to get things done! LOL | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 5:03:42 AM | | Well...so much to try to reply back to...My GF and I have been together for the last 3 years, we split up for a few months last year though(Thats when I found POF). I try to keep our relationship open when it comes to actually maintaining it, meaning I try to be open about our past and present. I am usually very tactful, sensitive and honest. Although, I know its no excuse, alchohol was the deciding factor in what I said to her, when I said it. In all honesty, I don't think I was wrong in saying what I said, but I agree that timing is REALLY important and saying something like that while drunk wasn't the best of timing. My relationship with her, is not new, so when I blurted out that I still care about my ex, I really didn't expect that much of a reaction from her, as she seems more than able to talk freely about her past relationships. I think its ok to be friends with an ex that shared about 6 years in my life. Especially since I'm with my GF, only her and thought she was secure in how I feel for her. I've since tried to talk to her about it, and she said I want my ex back, which is really unreasonable. I've never talked about my ex with her really, and suddenly she thinks i'm going to pick up my life and move away to try to win my ex back...Its just silly. I forgot where I was going with this, so i'll end this novel by saying that it was wrong to tell her this when drunk, but I don't believe I was wrong in saying something such as saying I care about an ex-partner in a non-romantic plutonic sense. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:09:48 AM | Sorry Coyote , but I still see inconsistency and contradiction in your explanations, and profile and relationship. Am I the only one who sees this??
But maybe...just maybe, that is what your GF sees as well and what she is REALLY pissed off at. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:30:36 AM |
It is a sensitive topic and I think some care should be put into the conversation. I dont think you can be really tactful and on your toes if you are drunk at the time. I think that’s why it sounds wrong to me… it shouldn’t be a sensitive topic, especially now, since he mentioned that she has no problem talking about her past relationships. The amount of tact required is directly proportional to the degree of insecurity exhibited by the other person!... how’s that for reducing love to a mathematical equation.
I suppose it depends if you’re one of those people who believe that relationship involves a lot of work… I’ll admit that you certainly have to put in some effort, but it should never feel like work.
Sorry Coyote , but I still see inconsistency and contradiction in your explanations, and profile and relationship. Unless you’re planning on asking him for a date… what the hell do you care… Coyote didn’t come here so you can pick apart his profile, like you’ve done to others.
CoyotePrince, thanks for being a good sport and letting us use your post as an example. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:54:53 AM | "Unless you’re planning on asking him for a date… what the hell do you care… Coyote didn’t come here so you can pick apart his profile,"
Amen.
"CoyotePrince, thanks for being a good sport and letting us use your post as an example"
Can I get another Amen? | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:02:44 PM |
Can I get another Amen?
or perhaps a room???
Oh geez, I am just kidding!! unless....oh never mind!!
On topic: Love exists, it's in all of us in its different 'forms'.
Maybe me wanting it all and wanting someone to rock my world at my age is a silly notion....derived from a word....love.....
Don't give up on love gypsy, just be patient and happy with who you are and let it happen when the timing is right. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:45:17 AM | I seriously believe love exists. I believe that a lot of people have lost faith in it. Which is fairly easy to do.
I think that love is a lot like religion. It requires a lot of belief in it for it to work. Those who don't believe in it won't experience it(and this is coming from someone who doesn't believe in religion).
And because of that, it DOES require that certain things remain unsaid to avoid shaking the foundation of it.
I think, deep down...everyone wants someone who will accept them and love them completely. Normally that means the comfort that someone out there is thinking about you and wants you to be happy. As well as the stability of knowing that you won't feel alone in the future as they will always be there for you. It also gives you an outlet for showing the love you have inside of yourself.
If I was to define love it would consist of a couple of parts:
a) Happiness - There is a desire to know that at least some of the bad feelings you can have in life(loneliness, feeling unwanted, feeling out of place) can be partially to entirely negated by having someone around to reinforce the idea that you aren't unwanted and someone will be there for you.
b) Fitting in - I think at least a portion of it is societal, in that people don't like to be "the single one" at events and the like. There are too many events that pretty much expect couples to come to them.
c) Stability - Knowing there is someone there who is willing to cover you during the bad times, perhaps financially, perhaps emotional support. It helps to know that they understand what you are going through since they've been there for a lot of it without having to explain it to them.
d) An Outlet - A lot of people have the desire to do nice things for people, sometimes over the top nice things. In our culture it can be socially unacceptable to do these sorts of things for people you aren't dating or romantically involved with. Plus, some people need to discuss personal topics and they like having someone around they know who will listen.
e) Activity Partner - (this one may just be me, as I hear a lot of other people arguing against it) It's good to have someone around who likes to do the same things you like to do. Even better if they already live with you so you save all the time of calling them up and asking them to come over..;) | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:09:31 AM | Well it appears Fly Hi!! and your groupie are continueing to see through coke bottle bottoms .
The boy did ask for advice.....and my point, if you read with any kind of understanding, was basically that he needs to examine his attitudes which are evident in his profile and other comments. His issues stem from deeper things than the bringing up of an old girl friend. But if thats how you wish to narrowly view it , thats your choice.
Also I am attempting to give the guy some incite for his own good
.....is that any of my business?? Well what business it is of yours to ask that?
He asked for advice....I gave it....if he doesn't want it or wishes to ignore my comments and wants no further comments then LET HIM RESPOND TO ME ! But who do you think you two are?
And as far as what I was saying to him it was totally ON TOPIC because its about relationships, its about committment.....which is about Love. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:54:31 AM | "The boy did ask for advice"
No, he did not. He told us he was made to feel bad after he blurted out that he still cared for a previous SO...and he wondered if what he did was wrong.
He also did not ask anyone here for a profile review either.
I love it when new posters show up, and what you did by trying to 'call him out' for his profile is discouraging...maybe not to me, or you, because we have seen it happen a million times and have grown thicker skin...but that doesnt make it the correct way to behave. His profile is not part of this discussion.
"Well it appears Fly Hi!! and your groupie are continueing to see through coke bottle bottoms ."
Even your last post is making assumptions. They are all over this place. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:26:24 AM | Coyote i think what bugs your GF is it took alcohol to pry out the truth(she scenced the truth but you have confirmed it) and she feels perhaps used cuz you held the truth for so long (3 years about your feelings)
But she does not understand it was not on purpose.(you thought you could will away any memories and you did for 3 years)
son perhaps you can explain to her that you have these memories not cuz of your CURRENT feelings for her but kind of like recognision that things from past can not just be burried like you thought...that you now realize you can not just bury pain and forget about it...let this be your lesson to learn about clarity of past rather than sabatoge the future..
invite her to join you in discovering how important clarity of emotions are and how that changes when you relace the memory with someone brand new...remind her if the ex was all that you would not be with her for 3 years...
you discovered some residue from past coyote...she needs to know you did not realize that residue hangs on in the dusty shelf and sometimes it is still there when we move forward. Tell her you need help replacing those memories with her trust.
tell her you can guide the feelings but emotionally something is holding you back...................her trust in herself and her own esteem.she needs to know her value is top of the chart and you need to see this memory does not challenge her spirit.
remind her she is all that or three years would not be her's, remind her you standing beside her not in front and not behind. Remind her her job as a partner is to put herself in your shoes and tell you how she needs this to happen before she throws her anger there invite her adult coping skills on the dang table...PERIOD!!!!...remind her that you have learned that you can not just toss away memories ,that you have learned they need a process: just like the grief process and if she loves you she will relate some of the ground to her set of skills to help bury the hatchet...and if she cares she will and if she dosen't move on and stop beating a dead old horse ...goodluck sweetheart. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:34:43 AM |
Also I am attempting to give the guy some incite for his own good So, you’re going to beat some sense into him.... Tempt, this world needs more loving individuals such as yourself.
Most would agree that love exists… but some people have a F u c ked up way of showing it… Maybe love is just a mindset, and it doesn’t exist for everyone. When I see how some people display it, it’s enough to make me wonder if it does exist.
Groupies eh?... I guess through your glasses, women aren’t capable of thinking for them selves. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:06:52 PM | I did ask if " anyone thinks love for an ex should be non-existant." and if it was ultimately wrong to express your plutonic feelings about an ex to 'your' partner?I thought it to be a reasonable and honest question. At which point I gave infomation as to what happened, as its been said Tempt, my profile had nothing what so ever, to do with what I asked. Also, was your advice meant to "incite"me (pretty sure that has something to do with riots)? Because sir, it'd be nice to be polite and not demean me by calling me "boy" for one thing. Also more importantly you say I choose to have relationships with women who I do not have very deep feelings for. Wow...thats quite a statement. As for my inconsistency and contradictions in my explanations, and profile and relationship. One, What inconsistency? My profile says whats important, that friends are ok, that i'm not single, and i'm TAKEN. Thats all that needed to be said, if you wanna get down to the nitty gritty....You know, I've lost total interest in trying to explain myself to you.
Advice is more than welcome, and since i've wrote, I've taken some sound opinions (Thanks to Tender, Fly, Single, and everyone else who had something constructive to say) I've since discussed this more with my significant other. We're successfully working things out. I think in a way, this is on topic, because its about an adult relationship, where love is involved and committment is absolutely present, or I wouldn't care about trying to get over this issue. Love isn't all about the bubbly feelings, sometimes its hard work trying to share your life with a total stranger, who you grow to become and they, you. Love exist for me, cause I get to see it everytime she looks into my eyes. Things like this happen once in a while, it allows us to hopefully grow closer. Peace and thanks again. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:01:08 AM | Excellent response. Try not to take the messages on here to heart too much. Some are known to express their opinions more strenuously than others. The lack of expression or tone in written communication can also lead to interpretations that weren't intended.
I'm glad to hear that you have managed to work through the issue. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:36:38 AM | Thanks for reminding evryone about that aspect of written words , dian.
And Coyote, I must apologize that I used the term"boy" as it was not meant in a derogatory tone. However, its not the best term to use. I hated when people would say that to me when I was younger and appreciate how (especially in writing) it is inappropriate.
However, (though a couple of people on here do not give you credit for being grown up enough to take a couple of challenging comments and to stand up for yourself) I see you have enough thick skin to come back for more.
As such I applaud your efforts to work this isuue out with your GF and that you get the point about love involving committment.
Contrary to accusations about "picking your profile apart" , that was also not the intention. You expressed some disillusionment with "love" really existing since you had difficulty "staying in love". So in spirit of attempting to address this, I explored your comments on here and your profile that appear to me to be inconsistencies which may quite possibly be the root to your difficulty staying "committed" and "in love".
Now there is nothing saying I am 100% correct. Its my observances having experienced many years of life, love, heart aches, successes and failures.It was food for thought. It was not meant as an attack. You have no obligation to respond nor justify yourself to me or anyone else on here. And I am glad you have to courage to express yourself PERSONALLY on here. I respect that .
What I cannot tolerate are people for example who put themselves out here as an expert on everyone else's issues and make blanket assumptions without discussion and yet appear to need help in basic aspects of life such as combing their hair. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:02:10 AM |
What I cannot tolerate are people for example who put themselves out here as an expert on everyone else's issues and make blanket assumptions without discussion and yet appear to need help in basic aspects of life such as combing their hair.
now Tempt, i don't expect to get into a written argument with you but i am sure you notice, in your response above, some ambiguity. while your assumptions may be correct you must also take into account your own assumptions and include yourself in the above statement. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:30:41 AM | coyote i am sorry i called you boy/son...but your only couple of years older then my daughter...i did not mean to offend you with my old bad age...
Mr Karma i think is just trying to look from all the possible views and bring them forth...love is choosing to forgo your own needs for the needs of others and it sounds like you two kids have a good working surface...expect those lil challenges to keep reminding you that there is more attention required to keep your current GF in the same reality page....in sinc takes work...
do not EVER assume she knows you love her...SHOW HER with your heart and words from this day forward...never forget the price of complacent behaviour....surprise her...overwelm her with your spirit...give her what she deserves. Prove to her that you are with the right person beyond a shadow of her doubt.
i am very glad to hear you kids are workin on it. do not surrender to the past no way no how. Do not let a happy memory from past be something you need to feel guilt for ...and do not allow the partner to enter the past with judgement...they get to enter behind your choice...they are there as a token of support to give you the strength to finally honestly look back...
see coyote you could not safely look back without get drawn back there unless your girlfriends strength was not borrowed from you.
let her know that the only reason these thoughts come back to you is cuz she gave you the strength to look back and process with her loving arms around your heart...
cuz we can't go back untill we feel strong enuff to ....
Glad you kids are finding clarity and biulding a strong base of EARNED trust.
two thumbs up to coyote and his better half for sharing there very private information and showing folks that love does exist, it just isn't without work.
and clearly it takes two to exchange and share their fears instead of ONE...
have a sunny day lil fishy. | |
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| Does LOVE exist...or do we just want it to so bad?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:16:15 AM | Tempt,
i don't want to take away from your posts as i see you did your homework prior to answering CP. But, like all of us, jumped before we had the full story to offer advice. the difference being that you chose to pick apart CP's profile which, in combination with the full story, would be a very good move. we all made the mistake of not asking CP to elaborate and we should have used your post to encourage him to do so. after CP elaborated, the issue became much clearer and the advice became more relevant. the advice dispensed covered several aspects from differring views. all had relevance based on the information given at the time.
what i had hoped was that you would see that, like the rest of us, you, too, are a free advice dispensing, on line, relationship counselor. none of us with the expertise, other than real life experiences, needed to dispense such advice. so yes, you need to lump yourself into the same category of not being able to comb hair. | |
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