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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/28/2008 3:52:53 PM | KSR - Kenny, If you are bitter because you were unable to work things out for your ex on behave of your children, I am sorry. And I would be lying if I were to answer "No" to your question. I definitely have encountered people in my life that were too toxic to be around. Nothing to be angry about, it's their problem and I choose not to allow it in my life.
My ex was not one of those people and I am really greatful for that. I know that is not always the case, and it sounds like maybe your experience. I am sorry again that you have that experience.
I know that what my ex and I have done is a gift, ideally that would be the case for anyone, ideally there would be no divorces/separations and hurt children.
Regardless, it takes alot of work and it is possible to work atleast a little bit. There are those who have such severe disorders that you must walk away completely and often take the child with you. That is sad all the way around. However this isn't what the thread is about. It is about (atleast I thought it was) single/divorced parents working together for the sake of their children. Am I wrong??
Kenny, it seems clear you've had to deal with some pain. I feel for you, but please understand that not everyone goes through the same thing and attacking me isn't fair. I don't claim to have the answers to all the problems, I would not want to deal with custody issues with the type of person you describe. I only shared my experience because that is what I thought this post was for.
My ex and I had to get through alot of pain on both sides, neither was innocent (and unless you walk on water neither are you - in my opinion). We had to learn to work together, we had many trial and errors but we did it. And there for awhile he referred to me as the crazy lady and I referred to him as a few not so nice things myself. I am not crazy and he is not those things.
But we both were in pain, young and not mature or wise enough to handle things better at the time. Life experiences, love for our child and growing up has done wonders. Leaving the hate and anger and bitterness behind (not easy but we learned with help from others) was an absolute in order to heal and move on and be good parents together. That doesn't come cheap, easy or quickly. And there were times when we both wanted to run.
My point in sharing is that there is hope for two parents who want to work together for their child. That a child can feel safe and secure and stable with divorced parents if they can learn to work together and put other issues to the side.
I also want to show that not all women bash the dad, that not all dads are deadbeat. My ex is an incredible example of being a great dad. He can still be a little grouchy but so can I. From bitterness to being able to truly appreciate him as a father and a man is something I cherish. I didn't just come by this magically, I worked to go through things. I bit my tongue, swallowed my pride, learned to listen and talk without hate and anger. It was work. My child was worth it.
If you can't appreciate that then just hold onto your anger and pain and bitterness and see how far that gets you. I just hope that isn't what you choose to do, not only for your childs sake but for your own. Only you can make that choice Kenny, and only you can free yourself of that baggage.
To the others that wrote the kinds words, thanks. And I mean it when I say the hard work is worth it in the long run. Divorce hurts, and when your in the middle of it it's hard to see awhole lot of any good, but eventually you can not only be free of all that but have something even better. As I said, as divorced parents, my ex and get along really really well and were far better united parents divorced then together. | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:45:11 PM |
KSR - Kenny, If you are bitter because you were unable to work things out for your ex on behave of your children, I am sorry.
If you can't appreciate that then just hold onto your anger and pain and bitterness and see how far that gets you. I just hope that isn't what you choose to do, not only for your childs sake but for your own. Only you can make that choice Kenny, and only you can free yourself of that baggage.
See, here is another example of judgment and comments made without any knowledge of a subject or of someone else’s situation. I have never said that I was bitter because of the situation involving my children, their mother and me and you certainly know nothing about it. I do choose to do what I can to prevent what has happened to my children from happening to as many other children in this world as possible.
You are very fortunate to have a situation in which mom and dad are involved in the children's lives.
That is not the case for millions of other children. One or the other parent commits a type of abuse upon those children that you obviously do not understand. Because of your lack of understanding of what is happening to so many, you and others who do not understand should refrain from asserting that both parents are to blame and that both parents should work harder on getting along for the sake of the children.
I agree parents should get along for the benefit of the kids but that is not how life plays out for so many. The courts, the laws, social services, counselors, evaluators, etc. are just now beginning to realize the damage which is being done to the youth of our societies and that is only because of those of us who have decided we will work until we die to change what is so very wrong. If you want to do something constructive, visit my shared parenting thread. Learn about PAS, PA and HAP. Visit some of the websites shared. There are even ones that are developed by some of the children who are victims of the abuse I refer to. That may be to hard though. It seems that it is much easier for a lot of posters in this forum to make random comments on subjects they have no knowledge of which helps no one except the abusers.
Kenny | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:44:21 AM | ksr-kenny,
You need to learn how to listen! You have been on the defensive way too long!
Don't expect alot of support from people if you don't have the capacity to acknowledge other single parent's views and experiences. You are only creating more division and helping to perpetuate the problems between separating parents, about the cause you are dedicating your time too. | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:00:16 AM | krs-Kenny
I may have totally misunderstood this thread, but I thought it was about single parents trying to work things through for the benefit of their kids, putting their kids first. Putting our anger, hurt, etc as adults of divorce aside. I did not understand it to be a thread to discuss PAS or any other type of abuse or neglect inflicted on children of divorce. Maybe we need to start a new thread for parents that are victims of PAS to discuss ways to work out those issues. IMO, I do not think this is the thread for that, as it seems to be creating a lot of anger and hurt feelings among those of us trying to make it work, trying to work with the other parent, trying to work through our shared, joint, partial custodial issues, trying to avoid becoming another statisic. I think what we are seeking is Positive input from parents that are making it work, not negitivity. Again I am sorry if you and your children are victims of PAS, I hope you can find a good attorney to help you regain custody of your kids as they need you in their lives. | |
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rufree
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Joined: 2/4/2008
Msg: 105 | |
| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:13:39 AM | nice thought,but courts do not enforce the laws on the books already ,like Interstate Interference with Custody which is a Felony ..... or even women that flatt out murder their children .......
My wife always spoke about how she would never divorce me for the sake of our son and that she loved me anyway,blah,blah,blah and then when the baby was born she got so jealous of anytime I spent with my son.She always alienated me from her Chihuahuas so I should have expected it,but she took the baby and I haven't seen him in three months .....
so I guess that what I am saying is that if the woman doesn't want it to work out it won't plain and simple,not just a marriage,but the custody relationship after the marriage as well | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:23:45 AM |
I may have totally misunderstood this thread, but I thought it was about single parents trying to work things through for the benefit of their kids, putting their kids first.
Hey I am not the one who drew the impossible into this thread. I do believe, as I have stated many times, that parents getting along with each other is best for the children. Instead of attempting to beat me up, how about reading what I posted my responses to. A disscusion is not a one sided conversation as we all know. If someone states something to which we disagree then we should provide our opinion. Shouldn't we? No where will you ever find me stating that two parents should not work very hard at getting along for the benifit of the children and themselves. You will find, however, that their are many who assert that PA, PAS and HAP do not exist. You will also find many posts which state that the TARGET PARENT is just not trying hard enough and placing the blame on that parent. An example:
Maybe this might frighten Rebecca, the thought of her bf learning to be friends with the "crazy lady" for their child's sake. To support that would take alot of maturity and insight on Rebecca's part, and that takes having life experiences.
Sorry if it upsets some of you when I make comment on such posts.
Kenny | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:32:29 AM | My heart goes out to you rufree. Your eyes have been opened to something very horrible and no words can change what you likely feel now.
One thing I would like to point out is it is not just moms who inflict the abuse being perpetrated by your child's mom. There are dads who are just as twisted.
Try not to give up. Your child will need you in their life.
If I can help let me know.
Kenny | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:44:56 PM | I think it is an important social justice issue that families are kept as harmonious and stable as possible. Unfortunately, the reality is many families break down, for many reasons, including domestic violence. Ideally a child should have contact with both parents, but in some cases, it is necessary for the child (for its own safety and well being) to be with one parent for most of the time.
Another problem is the very high rate of relationship and martial breakdown in society. This is a very severe social problem which lies at the heart of many custody disputes. Resolving these by legal processes is usually extremely expensive (as I see in the family law material that comes in my line of work) and stressful for all involved. I think social workers and mediators have a very important part to play in helping people resolve issues, and society also needs to do more to promote values which nourish and protect stable long-term relationships and marriages between people. | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:41:58 AM | awildirishrose, where you wrote:
I may have totally misunderstood this thread, but I thought it was about single parents trying to work things through for the benefit of their kids, putting their kids first. Putting our anger, hurt, etc as adults of divorce aside.
I have had some correspondance with Rebecca, know a little bit about what she's been through and I think it is great that she opened this discussion because I, for one, have made a 10 year effort at working things out with my former spouse for the sake of our child.
I see no reason to overscrutinize Rebecca's reasons for creating this space, nor her motive, they are quite clearly stated in the opening and if you disagree with them - you likely have no real motivation for posting here except to try to draw attention to your self by picking fights and quibbling over inconsequencial non-issues.
I did not understand it to be a thread to discuss PAS or any other type of abuse or neglect inflicted on children of divorce.
It looks to me like there is enough of that type of talk going on elsewhere - and I feel that this is a space better used for discussion of how we have enjoyed successes in putting the highest prinicple first and finding out from others how this is done.
Maybe we need to start a new thread for parents that are victims of PAS to discuss ways to work out those issues.
YEAH - it's called every other thread on single parenthood out there! I come here mostly to gain breathing space. It's like safe harbor from the stormy waters of insanity which are raging elsewhere.
IMO, I do not think this is the thread for that, as it seems to be creating a lot of anger and hurt feelings among those of us trying to make it work, trying to work with the other parent, trying to work through our shared, joint, partial custodial issues, trying to avoid becoming another statisic.
Something very intelligent was posted earlier implying that we have no real way of knowing if the people posting here are actually the seasoned single parents they profess in their profiles, or someone's pimply faced 14 year old brother wanting chuckles in between D&D games.
Also, even if we are dealing with mature adults who fit the bill, many of them may very well be either agent provocatuers or simply people who are so bitter over the way things have gone that they now want to take it out on other people.
Which is why I like this thread - because even if others want to do that elsewhere - if enough of us who are sincere in our motives to "rise above" gather here we will be able to drown out the noise.
I think what we are seeking is Positive input from parents that are making it work, not negitivity. Again I am sorry if you and your children are victims of PAS, I hope you can find a good attorney to help you regain custody of your kids as they need you in their lives.
On the other had - if someone IS trying to work it out and is still facing off with parental alienation, we can still offer advice intended to bring both parties to a ballance point.
I was the target of parental alienation (my former spouse's father was her divorce lawyer) so while her lawyer was enforcing PAS with impunity, I continued to work to be the best dad possible and the most caring former spouse and I discovered, 10 years down the line, after my former spouse asked me to move with her to a remote area of the country where her dad/divorce attorney and family could no longer meddle and interefe - that she is a very sane and caring person who is capable of working - with me - to keep things on an even kilter. | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:20:22 AM | Dream boat333 where you wrote:
I see no reason to overscrutinize Rebecca's reasons for creating this space, nor her motive, they are quite clearly stated in the opening and if you disagree with them - you likely have no real motivation for posting here except to try to draw attention to your self by picking fights and quibbling over inconsequencial non-issues. I'm sorry I did not mean my words to come across as to "overscrutinize's Rebecca's reason" for creating this Forum for us to discuss our issues of the struggles and joys of being single -parents. Her intentions are clearly good...the point I was trying to make was can we all stop fighting and finger pointing and calling each other names..making accusations over who did what to whom in situations that none of us know about (ie someone elses divorce/custody dispute) I apoligize to everyone I have offened here..that was not my intention. I am only interested in what is best for my children, all I want is their happiness..in my perfect world they'd have had Mom and Dad together forever..in love. Unfortunely that was not the case, but I do try my best to be the best Mom I can be, the best Ex-wife..(now friend to my ex) that I can be..Some days are harder than others, I am not perfect..far from it. But I give it my best shot, as you don't get any do-overs in life...I can only hope for forgiveness.
To Rebecca: I am sorry if I offended you, please accept my appoligies, I said some mean things that I should not have said..sorry the Mom in me was sticking up for other posters..sometimes my tongue gets me into a lot of trouble.. There is an old Irish Saying I need to pay more attention to "A silent mouth is sweet to hear" | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:11:28 AM | Does anyone have a barf bag?
Rebecca is a big girl, as is every other woman who posts here.
I have noticed a trend with the posting - all revolving around Dreamboat333 - Hmmm makes me wonder what's really going on.
Seems like a little "kitty" fighting to me  | |
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| Child-Centered, Single Parents.
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:22:36 AM | | Believe me , I'm a great father. I have to drive 4 hours to see my girls and i do it every 2 weeks. They stay with there mom for 2 weeks and then with me for 2 weeks. They are everything to me and you are morally right, but what you have to understand is you cannot give the government that kind of control over your life. The government /CPS already looks for every little reason to take your kids and kids are more likely to be screwed up in foster homes. That will give them just one more reason to ruin someone's life over nothing. The main thing is you cannot give the government that much control of your life. They will abuse it and at best screw it up. | |
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