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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:55:34 AM | ""i think you already know the answer to this. And if twenty people respond, and nineteen of them tell you not to contact her, and one says you should contact her, I think I know who you're going to listen to"""
Oh that's so true, wish I would have thought of it..
But, you could SEND HER A MYSPACE MESSAGE, and ask "are you really married", if you don't mind her replying "what do you think dumbash" | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:37:59 PM | she said she "wanted more." I'm assuming... more earning potential. I am completing my Masters in Religious Studies and I have now decided to go do another masters in library science since I was also recently rejected from PhD programs. I AM IN LOVE with THE ACADAMIC scene....even in a library... she decided to end it even though she thought I treated her very well...
.. she broke up with me about a month and a half ago... she wanted to be friends... but I found it hurt me way too much to talk to her and not be able to love her fully so I decided to cut off contact WITHOUT TELLING her... until I totally lose all feelings for her.
Up till today, I havent talked to her for about 3 weeks.... I couldn't help myself from checking her myspace... . she has put on her status "married" and her profile says she is "finally COMPLETE." .... This felt like a stake to the heart...
... should I contact her and ask her if she's really married? It hurts to think she would get married practically a month after she broke up with me... I'm just looking for some new perspectives on my situation...
Ok, the perspectives you can get from a) your experience and b) the replies here INCLUDE THESE THINGS...
1. Could your love for academia (given all the references to it in your posts) have been part of the problem? PhD programs are described as "divorce guarantees" by married students.
2. you were kinda immature not replying to her messages "without telling her", so I can see her button got pushed. as in 'I'll show him' (two can play at this game). Sounds like both of you had/have some strong feelings, albeit mixed.
3. Yes, ok she could got married...watcha gonna do?
4. Some women I think write that "married" status on myspace so amateur perv's like me don't contact them. Watcha gonna do?
5. CONTACT HER IN GENERAL IF YOU WANT. Just say "hi, you sent me a few messages and I never answered because I was mad at you. I'm sorry, you deserved better. So here I am saying "hi how are you". And thats all it needs to be. OR, Maybe just maybe, you two can patch things up if: YOU AREN'T MORE IN LOVE WITH COLLEGE THAN HER and SHE ISN'T MORE IN LOVE WITH A NICE HOUSE THAN SHE WAS WITH YOU.
This married myspace thing is a non-issue itself.....GO TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY and apply for any job they have, including janitor or Sat afternoon kids reading hour....while you continue your librarianship education.
edit re this: """just a little piece of advice from someone who was hurt once only to keep coming back time and time again for more -- delete this person from your MySpace"""
I would like to ask the OP, the gal who said that and others...SINCE ITS PART OF THE TOPIC OF THIS THREAD...When you say "hurt" do you mean he/she broke up with you fair and square..or do you mean they lied cheated and stealed their way around you, then you came back for more? | |
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| You WANT to start a fight?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:52:11 PM | Your entire purpose of messaging her is to challenge her status? Why would you even waste energy on that? Isn't the normal response, "Married? That cheating hussy?" The healthy response is, "Huh? Whatever."
If you want to message her for anything BESIDES trying to start a fight, go for it. But, why would you send someone an email saying, "You're lying and I know it!....Aren't you?"
This really goes for ALL relationships be they your children, your friends, your sex partners, your parents, your co-workers or your FREAKIN' bank.
Unless you're contacting her because her alimony ends when she gets married it doesn't MATTER. You weren't married, so she IS entitled to have a life after you without running everything by you for your approval.
I like the milk idea, but I could see the self proclaimed nice guys on this site trying to say they made that rotten milk into cheese and the cheese didn't appreciate it. ;-} | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:56:46 PM | Lets see what you said.
still in school - - could not get into a PHD program - - - in religion I would take it
Now going after an other masters so that you can stay around the University - - where all of the young girls are
and then say you want to forget everything that you have built up and move to an other state and start over - - - from the ground up with nothing - - -
As you are highly into religion - - - I would expect her to be also - - and Las Vegas to religious people is SIN city - - - -
Why would she want to leave her home and family to go with a guy that decides stay in school for years and years - - - - as a low income grad student - - - -
and then decides to go and start all over - - - and wants to take her with him - - while the relationship is on the dumps - - - - she left remember for a reason - - - -
Note Women will state they are married to try and stop the hitting upon them - - it cuts is way down - - - - if she says single - - she is waving a red flag that says - - - I am single and looking - - - - I have seen women wear a engagement ring just to say that they have a man to try and slow men down and give her a means to say - - no, I already have a man - - - it helps - - - -
So get over it buddy - - - she is history to you - - - but also suggest that you stop and decide what you really want to do in life and make a plan for it - - - and it had better be that you want to be a grad student till you are over 40.
Jim P. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:43:55 PM | thanks ealey! I understand what I did wrong in the relationship, but I know that if I loved a person (which I did), I would love them no matter what they decided to do regardless of the income and how long they took as long as they were pursuing their dreams (granted maybe her dream was to buy a big house and live the fancy life right now instead of later so maybe we wern't good for each other). When I die, I want to know that I truly loved and made a difference in someone's life. What is important to me is not owning property or material things, its the values of respect, love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. Because in the end, we will not be remembered for how much we owned, but for how much of a difference we made in the lives of those around us.
I may have not talked my career change over with my ex or I may have taken too long for my ex's biological clock, but I know I loved that girl with all my heart and treated her the best I could with the simple means of a working graduate student who is admittedly taking too long.
I also believe that things happen for particular reasons and for particular lessons... Your right, maybe it was a good thing I looked at her myspace because this was the final thing that I needed to put the "nail in the coffin" for any hopes of wanting to get back with a person who would only love a person for their viablity in regards to starting a family, buying a house and all the good stuff our materialistic culture values.
I, on the other hand, see love differently... Maybe I'm just naive, maybe my love is in a fantasy land where money doesn't matter, but when I love, I love with my entire being (and all my small amount of money included), and I love the other person for who they are and not what I can get out of them. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/7/2008 11:57:39 PM | She may have some degree of materialism but then again the comment about your income may have been just a cheap shot because she felt she carried most of the financial load for the duration of your relationship. I suspect the only reason she started pursuing a home on her own is because she assumed that you were never going to do it.
Wanting a home and the security to start a family is not selfish materialism. When you love someone you are conscious of their wants and needs and that is where you let her down. Often times people fight about things that are totally unrelated to the issues. She spent three years waiting for what you wanted to do believing that the things important to her, home and family would come. I imagine that if I had been in her shoes and you came home with that announcement without considering my feelings at all I would have wanted to punch you in the face.
There is a difference between supporting someone and having concurrent dreams than supporting someone while you wait for what you want. And you are forgetting that you are the one that changed the deal. She signed on for the graduate degree and when the PhD studies fell through she thought the waiting was over. If she had gotten a wonderful job offer in another city would you have been as willing to follow her, to where they would certainly have a university, as you expected her to be to follow you?
I don't really think there is a bad guy here just two people that learned a great deal about how to screw up a relationship when two people have way to much me and too little us. Nobody wants to feel like they are the last thing on your list. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 12:06:38 AM | Fishbill,
Thanks for the advice. Maybe I'll contact her one day when I know I could truly be happy to see her with someone else. In regards to what I loved more, I never thought about me being more in love with academia than her lol. Hmmm... come to think of it, maybe I am. I mean she knew this before we even got together as we were best friends first. As I said in my post above, I felt like I loved her with all my being except for getting a job that would make money to buy a house.
"What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?"
I suppose I wouldn't sell my soul to love a person who only loved me for what they could get out of me. If she really loved me for me, my love for academia is a part of who I am. And if she loved a "nice house" then maybe I didn't love her for who she was and instead, I loved her for who I wanted her too be.
Thanks for showing me this aspect I never thought about.
Also, your right, I do think it was a bit immature of me to cut contact without saying anything... maybe I should contact her right now, not for her status, but merely to say "I know it was wrong of me to cut contact without saying anything, but it just hurts too much to be friends right now. I hope you forgive me for my immaturity, but I just want to move on and maybe when I know I can be truly happy for you when I see you with another guy, then we can be friends. Until then, goodbye." What do you think? I don't want to start a fight, and I'm pretty much over her supposed myspace status. I just want to say what I just said above.
As for my definition of "hurt", its pretty much the pain of my heart knowing that the one I love left me. To my knowledge, she didn't lie, cheat, or steal. The break up was fair and square from what I saw.
As for the dude under fishbill's post, just read my other posts. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 12:21:41 AM | Hmmm, doesn't seem to take to much for you to want to convince yourself for the need to contact her does it?
maybe I should contact her right now, not for her status, but merely to say "I know it was wrong of me to cut contact without saying anything, but it just hurts too much to be friends right now.
You already told her that before, re read YOUR first posting...
The truth is you are dying to find out the truth to all of this... There is NO NEED to tell her you were immature, then to retell her WHY you don't want to be her friend...
I agree with package deal, there isn't anything wrong with someone feeling their biological clock ticking away, and seeing that their own needs are always going to come behind what YOU want to do first and for most...
Didn't her desire to have a family matter to you??? Is that to materialistic to want to have a family in a stable home?
Seems rather selfish to say you want to contact her now, just to tell her what she was told the first time around... Give it a rest, she gave up on waiting, because she didn't see you caring about things she deemed as important... Now maybe she has it...
AND you have your dreams as well, you are chasing after you academia... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 12:31:51 AM | Thanks packagedeal for your valued perspectives on my situation. You probably represent her views on our relationship as clear as they can by from a total stranger.
During our relationship, she did not carry most of the financial load at all. She never paid for anything of mine, I paid for my share of the bills, I paid for everything when we out, and I did more than her share of the housework. However, she recently finished school and started her career this past summer, so she may have realized that she wanted the whole family/house thing right now. And taking in your point of me staying in school, she probably felt like if she wanted a family/house right now, then she probably thought that she would have to carry the financial load for another two years while I took too long.
As for following her for her career, I would absolutely followed her to any city she wanted to move to. If she wanted to change her career abruptly without telling me, I honestly wouldn't have a problem with that as long as it made her happy.
Furthermore, I agree with you, I didn't take her wants and needs of buying a house and starting a family into consideration when deciding what to do with my life in terms of a career (which I did to a albeit minimal extent in deciding to become a librarian) and she probably wanted someone who did take her wants and needs fully into consideration. And maybe I didn't love her for who she was because she wanted a house and a family, while I wanted someone to love me even if I stayed true to my goals and aspirations.
In the end, however, your right, there was no bad guy. There was merely two people who loved each other not for who they were but for who they wanted the other to be.
Sometimes I feel like love isn't about love, but its about a business partnership. Maybe we should have arranged marriages, then we could just skip the whole love aspect and get right down to business and security. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 12:44:16 AM |
maybe I should contact her right now, not for her status, but merely to say "I know it was wrong of me to cut contact without saying anything, but it just hurts too much to be friends right now.
You already told her that before, re read YOUR first posting...
The truth is you are dying to find out the truth to all of this... There is NO NEED to tell her you were immature, then to retell her WHY you don't want to be her friend...
Acutally, I said that I cut contact with her WITHOUT telling her. Please reread. I never told her anything about not wanting to be friends with her. I just stopped answering her phone calls.
Furthermore, I really don't care about her status anymore, I just feel bad that I cut off contact without saying anything to her about why I would do that. We were best friends, and I'm starting to think that I should have at least told her why I stopped answering her phone calls.
And yes I agree with you, she now has her opportunity to fufill her dreams with someone who will give her security and all that lovely jazz, and I have my opportunity to find someone who loves me not for the financial security I can give them but for me.
I must add that its not like I'm some bum that used her for her money. I helped her in many ways when she was finishing school. I always took what she wanted into consideration. Its just that wanting a family/house right now was something I couldn't provide for her. Plus, I just couldn't compromise my career life just to start a family and buy a house two years faster than if she would have just waited for me to finish. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:31:47 AM |
So she broke up with me about a month and a half ago... so she wanted to be friends... but I found it hurt me way too much to talk to her and not be able to love her fully so I decided to cut off contact without telling her and not contact her until I totally lose all feelings for her
OK, then you state you haven't spoken with her for 3 wks... That is 6 weeks, three of which you did speak to her and were broke up...
I personally didn't say YOU used her financially...
However you are the one that already has the Masters, then all the sudden decided you wanted something else...
Seems like in HER MIND it was possible that you would change plans after she had already waited 3 yrs, and not think about how her own life fit in...
You write condenscendingly about the things she wanted, which seems to say alot about not really having an interest in how she fit into things...
Plus, I just couldn't compromise my career life just to start a family...give her security and all that lovely jazz
Who's to say you will ever finish? There certainly are a LOT of professional students...
If you are a couple, it isn't just about you, it is supposed to be about the us, not only what she wants, or what you want, but what both of you want and are BOTH willing to compromise for... That is what actually loving another person is about, is working beyond what one of the other wants, but how both of your needs, wants and desire are met...
I am sure she gets why you just stopped talking to her... The thing that is interesting is the fact that it wasn't until you read her MS page, did you seem to have an epiphany that you wanted to contact her.
Maybe as others have posted she felt two could play the game of rejection and hurt... Who knows...However it seems like it would be EASIER for both of you if you dropped a note to via MS, then to just pick up the phone and say hey, hi sorry for being immature, but I don't want to talk to you until I feel better... BYE...
Think about how that would feel if it was done to you?
Chances are I think she is hurting too...I think that she too has felt that she spent three years of her life thinking the two of you were working on a common goal; and then you all the sudden changed the game plan and didn't equate how it would affect her, or things she wanted in life...
I believe you stated something about that...
Perhaps love isn't like this light switch that people seem to turn on and off, and maybe there IS MORE that needs to be said..If for no other reason but to realize that her dreams are also as important, and that you understand how she may have felt you didn't take her feelings into consideration...
People who care about each other WILL soften and give understanding back, if they have felt like they have been heard... However it is really important to make sure you don't down talk her own dreams, because that will only succeed in creating more of a divide...
I am not suggesting that you two can salvage anything, but perhaps it is worth at least making sure that in the future there isn't such hurt because of lack of feeling understood... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:46:46 AM | I would go undercover with a different name and "get to know her"...and then ask....have you been married a long time?
Then say you just married, and share about when, where, and ask her to do the same! Or if you have other ideas....good luck! | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:08:21 AM | Hi nexthyme,
I would have continued with the plan, but it hit a dead end and it is well established that I chose to become a librarian without her opinion and it has been well established that this was my fault for not talking to her about it, but it is the more financially stable option that I was willing to live with and I am sure she knows that. She just wanted "more," in her words. I changed my mind "all of a sudden" because my options hit a dead end on that path so I had no choice.
And you are right, if it wasn't for my seeing of her myspace, I probably wouldn't have realized the error of just burning bridges with no warning, but hey, thats how life is, things happen, you do things, and then you realize what you've done wrong. If I didn't look at her myspace, I wouldn't have posted this thread, and I wouldn't have even heard opposing view points from yourself and others on this thread, which honestly have helped me to see what I have done wrong. So everything happens for a reason. And that reason is to realize my mistakes, learn my lessons, and correct my flaws.
Furthermore, I agree with you in regards that it has to be a compromise between each indivdiual's desires and wants. Ours just happen to drift in different directions. The thing is that if we were in opposite positions, I would have waited for her, I would have supported her in the career decisions she makes as long as she would be happy with her decision regardless of her earning potential (she wouldn't have to discuss it with me because it is what she will be doing everyday for 40 hours or more a week while I won't even be there in those hours, in fact, she even told me that she changed her mind about her career and wanted to become something else and I had no problem with that at all), and I would have follow her to the ends of the earth. And I would done my best to give her her wants, its just that she would have to wait 2 more years, which she obviously wasn't willing to do.
I'm just a bit sad that her love wasn't about loving me, it was more about starting a household. On my part, my love for her wasn't about loving her, but finding a career related to learning and wanting her to love me regardless of her desire to start a household.
By the way, unless I die or some other crazy thing happens to me, I will finish that next degree. I am very dedicated to my goals as long as they are obtainable. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:14:02 AM |
I would go undercover with a different name and "get to know her"...and then ask....have you been married a long time?
Then say you just married, and share about when, where, and ask her to do the same! Or if you have other ideas....good luck!
LOL. this is very slick! Well, from the discussion on this thread, I have gotten over my concern about her "status" but thanks for some good ideas for some online trickery if I ever need it in the future! | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:18:41 AM |
As for the dude under fishbill's post, just read my other posts.
This was meant for James under the number screen name person. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:54:24 AM | | The direct answer is leave it alone,she's not worth the keystrokes,Contacting her won't change a thing but add more pain to your heart. It's normal to rebound,but the reality is you loved her . She liked you. Let it go and move on with your life. By her not being direct to you and talking in code,obvious she was playing the paycheck games. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:27:48 AM |  My heart goes out to you. I have felt the pain from the sudden void when one thought, felt, the high of being in love and the seemless journey of soul mating.Where ya thought the stream line of the angels were at your side, thinking, from your head, heart, and your your search of had ended. In hind sight, for me, ya could contact her however it just continues the aching for the bond again and the heart keeps the need to mend the broken heart. it says it's all a mistake and your head goes over and over what meant the most, In the space and time of love how does one believe what one says too you again. I came to this point, how much time in my head and heart am I going to waste my precious time that I have on this earth (maybe 4o yrs) to grief when in time I do not have the answer to what I may attact in my life emotionally, and in the name of love I want the best for my healing heart and I only have the need to begin again at the seed level of what I need to learn. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:35:09 AM | Study there ya go...
If her MS is just a lashing out, and not for real it does SHOW she loves/d you too...
You are right, two people that went in opposit directions...
I always believe a person has to do what it is they love, no matter the amount of money they will be making...
The break up isn't a one sided story, and I have no doubt she has flaws too... However it IS sad that two people that were frineds before, then together for 3 yrs, didn't take the time to sit down and work out some compromises.
It isn't about loving each other enough some times, but about be willing to work things through... MAYBE you too weren't meant to be together, I don't know; however it seems to easy these days to say we tried, we're done, then to really make an effort.
I read polarized forums everyday, there is so much bitter anger towards the opposit sex, and how the opposit sex is so selfish, and why are the others so selfish.Seems like people are just selfish in general these days, and it isn't just one side, but both...
No matter what, good luck, a good education IS worth a fortune these days.... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:41:03 AM | | If it will make you feel better..by all means call her..but be prepared for the real answer. I am a life long learner and know how you feel. I want to say congratulations and keep on studying. Her loss not yours. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:13:41 AM | | You should do what your heart tells you to. About her being married though, does it really matter? Your relationship is over!!!!!!!!! I don't think that being your friend is a big priority to her, otherwise if she really was married she wouldn't have left you to find out on myspace.I doubt you will totally lose all feelings toward her for quite some time. Just try to put what happened in perspective. You obviously are very sure of what is important to you and how you plan to live your life. Try to look at things from her side just for a moment. She may have thought her feelings for you would outweigh what she really wanted from her life but after time she changed her mind. For your own sake you would be better off to wish her well and move on so that you don't live with bitterness. You don't seem like the type for 'online trickery' . Good luck with your life goals and be very careful when you allow someone into your heart that they are very clear about where you are going. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:24:18 AM |
Hi, my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years recently broke up with me primarily because of my career choices and so she said she "wanted more." I'm assuming a person with more earning potential. I am completing my Masters in Religious Studies and I have now decided to go do another masters in library science since I was also recently rejected from PhD programs. I am in love with the academic scene so I decided I would like to stay in it anyway possible, even in a library. So basically she decided to end it even though she thought I treated her very well, based on the fact that librarians don't make much to her and it will take me another 2 years to finish my second masters.
So she broke up with me about a month and a half ago... so she wanted to be friends... but I found it hurt me way too much to talk to her and not be able to love her fully so I decided to cut off contact without telling her and not contact her until I totally lose all feelings for her.
Up till today, I havent talked to her for about 3 weeks. Unfortunately, like a dumb ass, I couldn't help myself from checking her myspace... what a bad idea. So I've found that she has put on her status "married" and her profile says she is "finally COMPLETE." In addition, she has one of her ex's as her top friends. This felt like a stake to the heart...
My question to you is this... should I contact her and ask her if she's really married? It hurts to think she would get married practically a month after she broke up with me... I'm just looking for some new perspectives on my situation...
No reason to contact her..you know that no good can come of it. You've got closure, and the rest would just be salt on the wound. Close this chapter, and move ahead
Good luck to you | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:34:49 AM | | If she is married then she was cheating on you before. There are 5 million woman out there ......learn and move on. If she broke up with you because of money life will teach her a lesson about love . Follow your passions . Love your self first and then no one can hurt you. .............. Simple | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:19:40 PM | | Thank you everyone for your valuable perspectives on my situation. You all have helped me see the wrongs of both sides and have helped me on beginning my journey without her. I don't think I'll get over her quickly, but I understand that it might not have been meant to be. The world is filled with wonderful people, and I hope that all of us on this site can find someone who loves us for who we are, and I hope that we can do the same for that other person. | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:37:33 PM | Good Studies...
All we can do is learn from our experience. What creates bitterness in a lot of people is focusing on the wrongs we precieve in the other person; this can hold a person hostage in their own mind.
I have always been the type of person to look back and see where I messed up, and reflect upon things that I would do differently, as well as wouldn't do, because I knew how much pain it caused.
The world is filled with wonderful people, and just because you are following your dreams, it will not preclude you from someone wonderful and loving.
People who truly love another person do not just flick a switch off, it takes time and a willingness to realize you have a right to grieve. Grieve for what you miss, the dreams that disappeared, and grieve for the hurt it feels to move on apart from that person.
One day the closure are looking for will come, probably in a way you least expect, however when it happens, you will know that chapter in your life was good, served its purpose for your life story, and now you are heading into a new chapter.
Best of luck... | |
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| Should I contact her?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:47:38 AM | No, don't contact her. Look, it's been my experience with religion that the only people that will understand you entirely will be those who also have taken that same journey. It's like having one foot in heaven, with your head in the clouds and the other foot on earth with your hands in your pocket at the same time. Dating someone who doesn't understand or truly know the history of religion is dating someone with two feet on earth, while their eyes can only see the road before them and gazing into a crystal ball when they don't understand the concept of what one is for.
The point I am trying to make is you and her are incompatible, you've out grown each other, move on with your life. Take a break from the college scene believe me your world will open up to understanding her point of view so much better. As far as her being married, really? I doubt it. Besides, why would an educated man such as you want such a fool for a woman?
Gawd, this rose colored glass mentality just kills me!
Cheers and get moving, life is too short to stay in books full time for forty years! Your missing the mysteries of living true life. Your missing the other journey completely. You know the journey she is on that you can not foresee or know.
Peace,
Chela  | |
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