| |
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:35:28 PM | """this probably is going to have more to do with learning yourself better than anything else. You seem to value your intelligence, yet in romantic situations, you seem to allow your heart to overrule your head. I don't think he mislead you at all. You said 3 days into the relationship he was already criticizing you! That's a big red flag"""
Like she said (and others too). Best of luck to you, and him. He's gonna need it and your gonna want it. My ex wife (we were "best friends" for 15 years, flirting with romance all along) says I used to criticize her "all the time" and "everyday" I'd bug her to "get a job" or "go to the gym with me". I know I said those things sometimes. I have been much much better about that with others since (I got sober too 15 years ago). In this case, at least since the divorce, I've rightly or wrongly noticed she is way way worse, maybe that's just because we are divorced and I owe her $1000.
WATCH OUT FOR THOSE RED FLAGS....somewhere I read we usually see them on the very first date....and later realize it. You may or may not meet "your White Knight" or soulmate...but find a partner WHO DOES LOVE YOU, and doesn't have too many flaws, and that turns you on of course, and has a job, and.......
edit: Oh yeah, even weirdos, loosers, unemployed people, angry people WANT LOVE, and usually they have enough "skills" to "get some"...but its hard to "put on an act" all the time, and the real person comes out. That goes for everyone except those who are perfect.
edit 2: Well, don't you feel a little better that lots of people replied to your thread...seriously..Last year I broke up with a nice gal, and my post only got like 3 answers. That really was a downer. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:36:36 PM | | Hey Doll i wouldn't worry bout that i was just having a look and thought i'd reply, i met a guy fell head over heels and in a few short days he had torn me to shreds!!!!I was too FAT(im not) too everything thats wrong well i was devastated, but to cut a long story short i went out with some mates and have met a really nice guy, he said i was a Doll, so just goes to show some bums you just cant believe them!!! You go out and about and you will meet someone , on here its good but sometimes folk just don't tell the truth good luck and hope u find a special guy xx | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:56:02 PM | | Hmmm....alot of this sounds familiar.....I just ended a relationship where I felt as if I couldn't even breathe the correct way in his eyes but anytime he wanted sex, he became passionate, loving, and told me in a letter once that he thought I was the sexiest woman alive. Aside from the sex though, I couldn't do anything right. His 2ND ex wife (should've been a sign there) truly screwed him up in the head. He claims I never cooked for him (I did), never helped him around HIS house (I did), never did anything nice for him (I did anytime possible), cheated on him (Never did), etc. He basically wanted a wife he didn't have to marry and he wants to be with someone who doesn't have children so he can have all the attention. He wants a woman/wife at his convenience. Also, it was ok for him to point out my flaws but I was just an awful person if I mentioned any of his. He was definitely a waste of time. | |
|
| |
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:30:01 PM | It could have been worse, you could have had a child having to go through this. I was in a similar situation to you, only there were no warning signs until after the marriage. To cut a long story short I met a Thai girl who worked nearby and she seemed perfect. She was so perfect that rather than not see her again when her visa expired after 5months together I chose to marry her and speed up her getting a visa to come back here to live with me. The visa people saw right through her so it took a year to get the visa in the end, during this wait we had a son. She would occasionally have violent outbursts that I put down to the stress of having to live off my savings as I couldn't work and we were expecting to go back home any minute. I thought these would end once we got back to England, and they did briefly, but every time I made things better to appease her she would only stop being violent for a week or so before becoming even worse. As time wore on she not only became more violent (threatening to kill me and our baby son while waving a knife in my face etc) but more drunken and more unfaithful. It later turned out that she had never loved me in the first place but had only pretended to get a visa. Once she threatened our son the love died and I took our son and hid while the bailiffs kicked her out of the apartment. I posted my story on a Thai visa forum to get advice on what to do next, and was told by one poster that she showed all the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I recommend that you check out the website for this condition as it might provide some insight into why he did this to you.
The most important thing for you to focus on is anything else. Dwelling on this won't help you. Chances are you can't understand what happened because you're thinking in terms of bad things being punishment and only happening to you because you've done something wrong. The mindset of these people is completely different, punishment is not based on justice but on control, and every punishment was about trying to make you weak and isolated so that you would do all of the work for him, provide for him, and most importantly never leave. But you've left him and therefore you've won. Remember this every time you start to think about this so-called relationship. He tried to beat you, and you beat him. He failed, and you succeeded. It might help further to think that every time you dwell on your suffering in the past he's dwelled on what he's lost since you've left.
So now you know that it's not just something that men do...
P.S. He might try to get back with you, relying on the memories of what he did to you having faded as well as his charms and knowledge of your weaknesses. I recommend preparing yourself for this eventuality by deciding what your response is now. My response is disinterested and abrupt as cold a shoulder as I can muster, making it clear that I am not her friend despite her efforts to manipulate me to this day. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:15:53 PM | | it's sad to think that the one you love will hurt you but it true they will. it doesn't matter how they will. the sad part is that a person would critisise you and have all these thing ti say and till there not happy. cause they will never be ! I am a single person and very proud! I been threw so much in Love that i banned it from my life completely ! that man that even get close knows where i stand , I nobodys door mate or care to wonder whata coulda shoulda i have back bone and i wont back down I focus on my family friends and hobbies to get me by life is living moving fast to keep on drowning my self in something that was never there the guy who comes back will tell he want you , dont get it twisted guys also come back cayse they think they own you dont be fooled !!! heal your heart and LOVe your self ! that the best advise from a broken heart to a broken heart LOVe you do things that make you feel good it a cold world out there and many dont love any more they will bring you down with them if you let them that why i choose the light god bless you . | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:43:13 PM | Wow! So many great replies. Earlier today, I started to reply to the first few, but then so many more came that I didn't want to hog the thread with my comments! I have read all of them and they all have great insight and ideas. I will be considering everything. (Sometimes it's a burden to be so analytical!)
What it boils down to is: infatuation
I've been very careful to be guarded in relationships, and I had been waiting for the one who would give me that instant feeling that he was "the one." Well, this was the first time I felt that I'd met my soul mate. He seemed like everything I wanted and I couldn't believe it. Unfortunately, he was needy and demanding, while I was dependent and looking for someone to give me love. We were each so focused on the instant "soul mate" vibe that came to each of us, that we chose to overlook red flags. Once we'd decided to go with "instinct," we ignored all the caution signs.
Like I read in a magazine recently, women, once they've devoted time to making a relationship work, become more and more dedicated to making it work instead of giving up. By the time I realized that I should leave, I'd invested so much time and energy (not to mention a cross-country move) that it seemed more important to work some more and re-find the good in the relationship.
I used to wonder why women would get so involved, obsessed, depressed, etc. with their relationships with jerks, but now that I've done it, it makes more sense. Falling "in love" is dangerous and causes us to miss reality!
At this point, I don't want to "fall in love" again because to me, that now signifies infatuation rather than true, developed love. I want to find love, but not jump into again (tempting as that is!) | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:32:54 PM | | I have been acused of all the things you say about your husband by my soon to be ex-wife.... come to think of it this has happened to her before by her exhusband, and her last boyfriend with whom she was cheating on her ex-husband. She left her husband for him and he wanted to change her , didn't want her to drink. So back to her husband one more time. Come to think of it she says that she was raped twice before, also abused as child sexually by her father. Traumatised by her crazy sister and the beat goes on, I hate to say but I believe when this kind of treatment is bestowed on a relationship it takes two to tangle. I do believe the person who is claiming to be the victim may be the abuser. You can't change him/her but you can change with who, how your relationship grows. Do the world a favor move on and quit co/miserating as I am sure your true friends do not want to hear this and your not so good friends feed off of this to make them feel superior to you. Yes I have been Dramatised, yes I will get over it and the first Time I hear any of these type of complaints from any future dates/mates I will run like hell, I did say run like hell and never look back...oh I am 48 years old, I have never been accused of this type of behaviour before, even old girlfriends still like me better than she seem to ( love ) me, sometimes I do not think she knows what that means. I do not want to trivialise your pain but two side of any situation, eithor way a lose/lose situation. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 8:36:42 PM | people use put downs as a way of making themself feel better. your husband didn't feel good enough about himself so he tried to make you feel bad. that surely is not love.
take time to heal. there are other men out there who are kind and loving. when the time is right I hope you find one. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 9:47:49 PM | I have to agree there, I'm in the same boat, as you.
Look, don't just end the relationship, but let it be known there is no interest to get back together, better yet, don't even converse with him. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:21:22 PM | | How do you get over him? Good question. I have been divorced for 5 years, I have had 2 relationships and both relationships sound like the your ex. Not knowing this when I first met either of these 2 they both charmed the socks off of me. I did some investigating as far as why people are this way because these guys were exactly the same I couldn't believe it. I am not sure its love that your feeling it might feel like it, but when someone is always putting you down making you feel bad time and time again then leaves you and tells you he never loved you, well who likes to feel rejection and then on top of that your feeling pretty insecure because he has ripped you apart, the truth is thats a guy who hates himself, and it is easier for some to focus on someone else put them down its makes them feel better. Here is where the problem lied. Both men were abused growing up by their mothers. Therefore they have no respect for women and chances are you are not the one that going to change that. For a while I would wake up every day feeling bad at first as time has gone on I thank god I didnt marry or waste a whole lot of time, and I did learn something from it. I hope that helped you at least know this really didnt have anything to do with you it was a man that has issues and you happened to come into his life. Time will heal. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:49:00 AM | it's a lesson
too late for the learning, maybe not so
Well this make it easier to now appreciate your past relations with other/normal humans. You don't apprecaite what you have till it is gone, the old cliche. This is just a general statement not meant single you out, human nature. I have never read so much on the day to day aspects of human nature I am starting to feel normal........ | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:01:26 AM | Oh- you poor thing. We married the same man! My almost ex. sounds the same- he wanted, wanted, wanted me- married me twice to get me to move across the country to be with him. Once we were living together I could never quite put my finger on it- until I went to counseling and my counselor called my husband's behavior "praise kicks"...he'd say a good thing but it was always followed by a zinger. Anyhow- google 'malignant narcissism'- you might find insight there.
It takes awhile to forgive yourself for making such a mistake- You don't need to forgive him- a leopard doesn't change his spots, he was just being himself. Forgive yourself and move on. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:27:22 AM | In his mind, he loved you; however, his version of love was one that involved dominance and control. He was verbally abusive, but you said nothing about physical abuse.
The world is filled with women like you who have had similar experiences. Do you ever wonder why? If you saw me kick your dog or cat, you'd swear I was a terrible person, but if I did it to you, assuming I'm your ex, you'd forgive me because I was really a good person who just got a bit flustered.
You don't have to come to terms with anything. All you have to do is understand the difference between neurotic and healthy relationships. In the former, the man gives the woman, at least initially, the romance she fervently desires, but in the latter, the couple build it together. In poor relationships, the woman is seduced while in good ones both parties use their minds and their hearts.
Good relationships require individuals with healthy personalities who have the assertiveness to ask for what they want. They also require realistic expectations of each other and a committment from both.
But why should I go on? No one ever wants to hear the truth. They just want an audience to whine and cry to hoping for warm lovies or consolation. But before I go, you might note this - no one who truly cares about you intentionally hurts you. The most important characteristic of love is people don't hurt each other. Anything less is sh*t.
The Eagle | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:43:19 AM | pixeleen I know exactly where you're at, mate.
My ex wanted to have 6 kids with me - but in between kids I noticed she'd go off me; I'd get put downs and 'if you don't like it you know where the door is'. So I told her I didn't want any more children (at child number 4) and within 2 years of that point I left as her behaviour got worse and worse - more and more distant and the discussions become a lot more honest (before that if I said I wanted us to talk I got the screaming heebie-jeebies and that would shut the conversation down).
Eventually she told me I had just been a sperm donor for her and she'd only stayed with me so long because she felt sorry for me. And of course it was all my fault. No matter what she was doing or what game she was playing, it was my fault. And to an extent I thought it was and that I had 'turned her that way'. Nasty little me. That's how it gets you to thinking - it's like being marinated in someone else's bitterness to the point you feel it's yours.
People can actually do the rebound stuff 10 years later - even 30 years later mate. Sounds like he was taking it all out on you.
I think his perfect ex had the right idea, don't you. You should get yourself in for a bit of counselling and let those trapped feelings out.
All the best. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:09:31 AM | Pixeleen, in relationships you need to nip these things in the bud when they first happen. Granted it kind of built up over time, perhaps it was tolerable before you got married, but you must have seen some early indicators. Some people aren't happy unless they are hypocritical of others, sometimes those others are his family or lover. He sounds like a jackass. It's important not to get too caught up with "soulmate" or "he/she's perfect" fantasies, that's really not wise.
Everybody has faults. Too bad that's all this dude seems to be able to focus on, and not his own. Just because a creative cutie petutie dude looks good in a tight pair of jeans ain't a good enough reason to marry him. If a critical person can't accept themself accept constructive criticism, and you find that annoying enough to be a dealbreaker, jump the idiot. | |
|
| |
| |
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:03:42 PM | | OP, look at you! You are way too good to be treated that way! Don't ever make excuses for that behavior from others! I did....for 15 years!!!!! Talk about a waste of time! Don't let this ruin your life! | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:22:12 AM | It sounds like he was looking at you for the things he lost with her.
You fell in love with his charm and overlooked all the bad parts of the relationship.
He was always in love with his ex and used you to replace the lost feelings he had for her. For you, you gave your heart, your feelings your life, your all. For him, in his eyes, you were just a mirror of her. He is still living in the past. That is not for you. Put all this behind you and start fresh. This time continue with your eyes wide open. Don't say things will be better when we're married. They just get worse. Learn from this.
Get to really know the person. before you jump in again. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:56:41 PM | I have been in the same situation so to speak as you have. But a man's viewpoint. I just divorce after 16 years of a bad marriage. Let me relate my story. About 8 years ago I came down with viral pneumonia to the point of almost pushing up daisies.
About six months before that time I had gotten my ex-wife a job through a friend of mine. She was working late nights and would make excuses for coming home late after awhile. During the ill I described, she juts would drop me off the doctor's and this was in the middle of weather. I had to wear oxygen and take it with me. The whole time I was home she never sleep one night in the same bed with me. Complain about having make me dinner. I knew at that time she was having an affair. But being that ill
there was nothing I could do.
To bring up to the current period of time prior the divorce I happend to correct our oldest for staying out late. She was 14 at the time and she was out with a 17 year old boy. I was home with our youngest we both had upper respiratory infections.
Mine had to be taken seriously becasue I have Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Diease.
After correct my oldest daughter the ex had my the daughter turn me in for domestic violence. Which there was none. I was order by police out of the first home I had ever own that was my dream before retiring.
End up going to court the judge dismiss. I never went back even after the judge ordered I could. I am now on long disability and waiting for my health to improve so all this was going at that time.
That's someone who never loved you.
But dear lady love always rebounds somewhere out there. I have met a wonderful
lady who accepts my illness. We both have been hurt by similiar situations. So we going slow.
All the best to you and keep your chin! | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:12:14 AM | | There are unfortunately too many people in this world that dont care about anyone else at all except themselves and their minds are so screwed up that they will hurt other people and it doesnt bother them. I just got out of a very bad relationship with this type of person who led me to believe he cared about me and wanted to be with me but I now know the truth and that is that he never cared about me and does not care about anyone else. Unfortunately he is on a few sites and has also put a profile on POF to keep finding more women to hurt. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:43:16 AM | | REMEMBER THIS... Just because you feel that you are estatically, head over heels in love with someone.... this does not mean that he feels the same way. He went along with you because you were easy, and he TOOK YOUR LOVE, that you gave. This does not mean that he feels the same way about you. This is not about you. It is about Him. You are seperate from him. You are not the same. Your feeling for one another are not the same. He's really not that into you. He did you a favor by leaving. Hats off to him! He finally decided to be truthful to you and admit that he enjoyed your kind-heartedness, but, you really aren't his type..... or something. Maybe he can only have sex with women that he despises. If he truly liked you, he couldn't have sex with you. Many men start off like this.... they feel an attraction for someone that they really resent. They can only have sex with someone they know is wrong. If they really liked you, as a friend, they couldn't have sex with you. This is the type Freudian model of the madonnna-prostitute archieval type. | |
|
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 5/13/2008 9:54:24 AM | | I date a lot of men. When they start criticizing, I just reply with something positive about myself.... sometimes I really have to TOOT MY HORN, in order to overshadow the negativeity. It's really fun, but you also need to have some high self-esteem. Just think about all those things he said that simply were not true. Think of how you will counter it next time.... and think of the REAL TRUTH about yourself. You will find that most of the comments are coming out of someone who does not see the world correctly, and it is really your job to set the record straight. Turn it around back on him. If he says you're fat, then say... Yeah, and I noticed that you have a few extra pounds, also. If he says you don't clean your house... say that you really don't have anyone to have to impress.... or maybe he could give you $80 for a housekeeper to clean your place UP TO HIS STANDARDS. Whatever the complaint, find something postive about it, and exploit it to the max. If you learn to do this.... no one can pentrate your aura and put you down, because you are always in a positive frame of mind. | |
|
Home
login 
