| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:20:29 AM |
I knew in my heart that he didn't like or love me.
Then, why you married him???
Whose fault is???
I can't understand why someone in its right mind would marry someone under these circumstances... I'm dumb maybe  | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:38:06 PM | actually, you did waste your time. is that something you do often, or did you just have a moment of weakness for this scumbag? not only that, but what in the world would have possessed you to marry this loser when you knew what he was like? talk about state of the art stupid!  | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:29:00 PM | When I met my soon to be ex husband, we were both ecstatic that we were each exactly what the other had been looking for. But, very soon (three days after we met in person,) he started criticizing me. From then on, he'd do everything for me and claim to love me, but constantly tell me everything I did wrong. It became worse after the wedding.
When he was criticising in the begining you should've walked away because it usually gets worse as time goes on. For him to tell you he loved you but criticised you should've told you he was full of s*** because if he really loved you he wouldn't criticise you.... i mean he might give you constructice criticism which isn't a bad thing but from what your saying he wasen't being very constructive.
If I said it seemed like he didn't even like me, he'd get angry and swear that he did. Never once did he tell me what he liked about me, other than to say I was beautiful or sexy. Nothing about my mind.
He was more about the looks he could care less about your mind. Some guys are just that way but beleive me not all guys are that way and i'm an example of that because i personally feel like a girls mind is an attractive feature.
You obviously got involved with a womanizing a$$hole from the way it sounds.
I knew in my heart that he didn't like or love me. He finally left me and said he'd never loved me, he'd just been desperate. I actually did love him and overlooked his flaws while he focused on mine.
Forget about him , he's obviously just not a good guy. There's plenty of good guys out there that will love you for you and wont critise you. it is a mystery why he went as far as marrying you when thats how he really felt about you.... i honestly don't understand that one. My advice to you is to just move on and forget about him because like i said there are plenty of good guys out there but you just got to find one but first like I also said.... you need to forget about him. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:42:32 PM | There was an article on MSN the other day about how women should handle the critics in their lives; I read it because my last three-year relationship was one that was exactly like the one you describe.
The article said that one critic type is a "know it all", a person who always corrects the way you're doing things, always knows the right way and better way to do anything and everything. The expert said that there is really no way to deal with that kind of person other than put them out of your life because if you try to communicate with them, they just respond in their same negative way and there's no future in it. They can only feel good by putting someone down [right or wrong].
That's my answer, I am going to take the advice. I am so sorry this happened to us both, but we can move on. I am going to really look at the way my friends and potential mates treat me and my opinions in the future. I don't want to get sucked in to anyone else's negative energy in the future. Good luck to us both! | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:53:05 PM | | I am sorry to hear how that man wasted your time and of course his. Thta was the way my ex treated me...he would say he loved me and would not live without me. Then in the next minute he is abusing me phsically saying that the fact that I love you would not stop me from beating you up...you are this and this you don't even think....etc etc...if you have been in an abusive relationship you know what I mean. There are times I would leave him and he would come begging and crying that he was sorry...mine continued for ten years until I had to actually leave him and leave the country so as to get away from him. You are not alone my sister. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:18:22 PM | Yeah I know this guy was married to him myself, got a dear friend that is married to a female. This one is easy look up NARSASIST. I suspect you'll find it's a apt discription of him. They are good at what they do, and it's not your fault he didn't love you they don't love no one but themselves, your just not as perfect as he is but then no one is.
And don't feel bad for believing he loved you they are good at playing the greatest guy in the world. Don't feel sad know he's mentally ill, chooses to stay that way and move on don't let him make you feel bad about yourself there are great guys out there. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:07:05 PM | | I've had to deal with that also, I believe some men are more interested in the chase, not the catch. Just because he was not true to you and mislead you with his own uncertain self. Does not mean that you are not a lovable person. He is the one with the problem not you. It hurts and you have to be honest about that one, don't hold it back, scream it at the top of your lungs if you have to, I'm hurting, you lied to me, this sucks so bad...whatever, just get it out....Kickboxing helps or any martial arts. then, thank God for not letting him make your life Hell for years more and leaving you with kids to fight over for 18 more years :). Just remember he is the one who obviously has major issues to deal with...not you. You were just a victum to his crazy shit. Now you are footloose and fancy free, just think of how wonderful the rest of your life will truly be now. I hope my words help, I suffered pretty bad too...and even now some days I feel like calling her up and telling her she is the biggest _ _ _ _ _ ! but I never will, I will live happly ever after that crazy woman : ) | |
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| How in the world do I get over someone doing this to me?
Posted: 6/17/2008 12:03:48 PM | Oh sweet "pixeleen" I, too, have had someone I deeply loved treat me in such a manner...not to the point of having albums full of sonnets for someone in his past, but push (I love you)...pull ( I don't love you).
Back in WWII, there was a "weapon" the German's used to gain the trust and even affections of their prisoners of war. They would come in to the cage one day and offer a smoke, a good joke and some commarodity, even ask about the prisoner's family and share tears with them. They would bring them extra special plates of food on that day.
Then a day or so later, they would enter the cage and beat that prisoner mercilessly...use all the information given to them about family, etc., to torment that prisoner with cruel comments and threats to their lives, and no food would be given at all...usually AFTER they put their cigars out on the prisoners arm.
It was a form of torture and was used to break them down and "debrief" the enemy. They would build them up...tear them down...until that person was completely insane.
Do you see where I am going with this? This is a form of manipulation that people use on each other...sort of keeping someone on the leash by rejection. When we are rejected, our first instinct is to try to please the person and to be what they want us to be...we want more than ever to be loved...they basically REEL US IN.
Your ex was a master manipulator and a very cruel person. So "HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU GET OVER SOMEONE DOING THIS TO YOU?" You DO NOT PLAY HIS SICK GAME ANYMORE!!! He isn't well if it takes all that for him to function within a relationship. And I agree with the OP who said you shouldn't waste anymore time allowing him to errode your future as he has your past.
Good luck precious one...he couldn't have done this to you at all if you didn't have a precious heart to begin with. Remember that ok? | |
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| How in the world do I get over someone doing this to me?
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:40:32 PM | | Hate to say this OP, but if you are attracted to musicians there are many that fall into the category of Narcissist. That particular industry draws them like flies because they get lots of attention and can still be complete jerks. | |
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| How in the world do I get over someone doing this to me?
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:59:23 PM | Such a variety of posts, showing this scenario is common and experienced by both males and females. No-one gets off scot free in having challenges and obstacles in their lives, what each story represents though is an aspect of our personal values. The stage you have just exited displayed a drama of two people seeking to express their ideas about who they are. In some way the critical/controlling/manipulative types are trying to prove to themselves that they have it "together" in their own minds some do set out to destroy others in the process, some do it out of ignorance. The second player on the stage tried to express her value system by showing she could be the exemplar wife because that was important to her. You have both now exited the stage, the curtains are drawn and you can think about the next script you wish to play.
Seeking to be the answer to your partner's dreams, wishing to be the model accomodating and loving partner, wishing to express your spirituality by showing you can forgive are recipes that frequently trip people up. Life is messy, unpredictable and people won't play by the invisible and changing "rules".
Be kind to yourself, treat your own personal interests as you would for those of a child you care for deeply. If at any time you are treated in a manner you would not accept for a child, do not accept it for yourself. Perhaps the new script you choose will be to "try" less for others, and "be" more for you and walk in your own self confidence, expressing your love because it is who you are, not a ticket to buy the transient hopeful reciprocation and approval of shifting sands. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:34:24 AM | Honey, it was not wasted time. It was a lesson that took a while to learn. Think of it this way: he was one of those men who never learned to cherish and make a woman feel appreciated. It 's not your fault he didn't know how to love you. He did what a lot of men do which is he love you his way. You didn't waste your time you learned a harsh lesson, but you should be happy now because it's over and you have a second chance at meeting the right man.  | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:10:40 AM | So here it is, more than a month later...how ya' feeling NOW, Pixeleen? :O)
This thread has actually instilled a lot of deep thoughts in me, personally...I think it might be that we sometimes need to come to terms with "the fact that he did not love me LIKE I LOVED HIM" or "he did not love me like I thought he loved me."
In other words...in HIS weird sort of way, he probably DID love you...what he considers love, even though it may be selfish love...it is a sort of love...to him.
I met someone through POF back in April...we clicked in the most amazing way...were saying the LOVE word before we even actually met physically...but then the phsyical meet just multiplied it moreso. Long story, short version...we split up...distance, finances, bvllshit...and I am shocked at how easy it seems for HIM to just ditch what I believed (and still do) was an incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity. Do I think he never loved me, really? No. I think he did...maybe even still does. But I also think it's just one of those men are from mars, women from venus things....we love differently...we value love differently. Of course I am sure there are men who CAN love like we do, just as I am sure there are women who love more male style.
And women always seem to need the over rated "closure" to move on...whereas men just appear to do so, so easily! | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 68 | |
| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:03:57 AM | I also am having to deal with this issue,my ex and I met on this site 2yrs ago,we had a great beginning,and we had some great times,but he could never fully give of him self to me and he also like to drink,his love for beer was more than his love for me,It was hard as I was in love with him,and probably always will,carry a little of him in my heart,he has moved on very quickly and Iam still tryin 2 find the one who will love and give back as much as I did with him,you know those words "I love you" are very easily said,but without actions to support it,I definitely learned alot from the relationship,and I will not accept less than 100% love back anymore,its no fun bein in a 1-sided love relationship... | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 1:29:42 PM | Pixeleen , you didn't waste your time because your love was real. It's being part of the rebound thing and the reboundee never will measure up to the rebounder's ex. Atleast most of the time. And if he has never dealt with his ex then yes he could be on a ten year bouncyball rebound from one woman to the next. Thank God you didn't get pregnant!!!!!
The fact is he is trying to replace his ex (ok just my opinions not really facts) and noone will ever measure up to her. His picking you apart is messed up but I would bet money that your not the first nor will you be the last he treats this way. His baggage is way to messy and stinks and big to deal with. And he is just picking up more baggage as he goes.
This is a great example of why it's so important to not rush into a new relationship before really dealing with whatever issues are still there from the last one.
Honey, he wasn't right for you, you will find the man that is and he will appreciate and love you as you deserve. Until then take care of yourself, believe in yourself and know that he never deserved you. Just my opinion. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:01:01 PM | Op, I totally understand what you are saying. When I was young I had a 6 yr relationship with a guy I didn't even think was what I wanted at the time (but his sister was my friend at the time and he was persisitant).
I learned from that and my last serious relationship over, five years later, that I really want someone who LIKES me. Love can be misundstood, but if we meet someone who genuinely likes us then we have a foundation of friendship to build from.
Not saying I have all (or any) of the answers, but one thing I do not want is a man who does not like me.
Why would anyone? All that jazz about how sweet or good looking or sexy is just that IF that is all the man can say.
I used to hear that stuff from my long term guy and would say..'and?'
He would then extol on how I 'let him go fishing and hunting'... umm I was glad to have my time alone and why would I even think to put some limits on something that he loved like he did that? I did enjoy fishing with him, even though I didn't like fish for food and I was more the catch and release type. Hunting, well that was never something I would do. Just not my thing.
He finally got that I wanted to hear that he thought I was smart and funny as well as all the other stuff he was saying.
But, since he didn't think he was either (which he was, just didn't know it at the time) I think he didn't feel that important to say.. or didn't want to say it.
I am sorry for your experience and wish you the best in life. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 2:35:50 PM | I went through several of these entries and breezed through the rest so I may be repeating something.
I understand your broken heart and kinda feel for you....to some extent I think you may have bamboozled yourself in this too. (I can change him)
But speaking from his end and being at one time the person he was, I ruined my share of some promising relationships because they just didn't raise to the level of my OBSESSION(the woman I could have sworn was "THE ONE").....yes, and did anyone ever think that this yahoo doesn't have the first girlfriend anymore because she woke up and said "Holy crap! This guy is obsessed, I'm outta here!" He has more problem than you will ever have....you get a chance to start over, if he doesn't come to grips he just gets to find another woman that he places up against the image of the first one....and his lonely cycle starts over. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:10:47 PM | | I think your focus should be why you didn't love yourself, he's a moot point now. You cannot make someone respect you and you certainly can't make someone love you. But you have to learn how to appreciate you and know that you deserve to have someone treat you well and love you equally. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:32:50 PM | He has a serious problem or problems. I know how you feel. I have a partner who acts the same way. I overlook it now. After 15 years of putting up with it, I have learned to just ignore him because I know he has some serious isssues that have nothing to do with me. He is just lashing out at me to overcome his own problems/issues. He doesn't know how to deal with them, so he just takes it out on me. He also tells me how much he appreciates me, but still focuses more on my faults.
Just find something to occupy your time. Go out and have fun. Find someone else to date. He's not worth being sad over. If he treated you like you say he did, believe me I know how it feels, he's not worth it. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:29:25 AM | In my own choices of dealing with relationships,not just with men and for most of my life ive ALLOWED people to treat me badly. Weather emotional,verbal or being used to do things for people. I use to think it was me. My "less then" perception of myself.
Well it was bad choices in the people Ive let in my life,and ME for letting other people make me feel what my self worth was.If I do this,or that diffrent theyll treat me better .Id bend over backwards to people id now id have nothing to do with.
I no longer base my self worth,or try to fix whatever wasnt making someone happy with me.I am happy with me,and yes I still do for everyone in my life,but not when im feeling im being used.Ill always be that type,just who I am.
Ive learned to love me first,and I decide now how much crap I let someone get away with.Protect and love the ONLY person who will always be there and NEVER leave ..yourself.
Words do hurt,but they are just words and again our choice how we let them affect us. | |
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| Coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me...
Posted: 6/20/2008 7:32:11 AM | I love these forums! The most seemingly innocent comment can have such a profound impact on my thoughts, sometimes! :O)
[quoteNot saying I have all (or any) of the answers, but one thing I do not want is a man who does not like me.
I cannot explain how deeply that hit home with me. But it did! I know it flips the OT around, but this happened with me...I felt like he truly loved me, but he just did not like me a whole lot! I have said this about one of my children before..."I always love you...I just do not really like you/the behavior a lot, right now!"
And whereas it is different when it is our offspring, can we accept it with a mate?
Yeah...he questioned my ambitions, my working, my friends, my choices I wanted to make for the relationship, my ability to have platonic male friends, etc...and I should have said, "Wow...you love me...but do you even LIKE me?!" | |
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