| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/8/2008 11:40:49 PM | Just invite her out for dinner with you guys a while. That is , nothing else is working and no restraining order. After she see's you two in to each other she may get the hint, nothing is worse than eating crow.
It can also put away the doubt if he is still seeing her. | |
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| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:10:31 AM | Wishing you the best of luck Rose Mary. You seem like a very sweet, smart and beautiful person.
You're quite welcome Locario.
To anyone who may read this thread in comparison to possibly a similar situation, three people or more=one or more being hurt. It's unavoidable and the more you sugarcoat it the more confusing, painful and possibly dangerous it will become. This type of behavior is unhealthy from both the perp and the one ignoring the potential danger involved.
Once again, gl RM | |
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| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:37:54 AM | I saw to many red flags same reasons as other posters.
I think his playing you both, thats why shes acting as she is.
I dont think his as nice as you think he is.
Six weeks, you dont know him at all, that takes ages to know someone.
I think theres more be hind the scenes,
You have warning bells, Listen
He could of ended with her very easily but he didnt. | |
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| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:06:40 AM | OP,
I definitely feel her behavior is stalking. He does need to take further action. However, I feel that his behavior has been above board as it concerns you. He has been painstakingly honest and upfront. I think given the situation and the length of your acquaintance and ultimatum such as yours could be perceived as harsh and unsupportive. If he wants to file for a restraining order, offer to go with him as you can corroborate this woman's actions. He didn't handle her as you or I would have but my impression is he was doing what he thought best to get rid of the problem before it became a problem. The thing is he's not dealing with a rational person (her).
IMHO, I would cut him some slack and instead of applying more pressure (because I think he's under enough -- I mean look at what he invited into his life), try to alleviate some of it by being helpful with the situation. 
Btw, I was eating lunch and spit when I LOL at the scene of her just getting in his bed. Talk about taking advantage of a friend! That and my spewed lunch are both terrible!
Edited to Add: I took the questionable comments about calling later or not on the weekends to be specific because it was annoying to you. It impressed upon me that he used you as an excuse for her not to call, etc. It was my feeling that he was trying to maintain a friendship with her before the stalking behavior began, which is why he may not have wanted to close the door on her. She might need a friend. However, if YOU have reason to doubt his true intentions then you must go with your gut. From what I read, it impressed upon me that he was being quite honest and transparent where she is concerned. Men who keep the ex on as a booty call, would simply turn off the phone, the answering machine AND especially the voice-announcing caller ID. Think about it. If he wanted to hide, he would suggest you guys spend time at YOUR place instead of risking discovery.
I still think that he's not being disingeniuous but only you know. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 5:16:17 AM | Thanks for your clarification (and the only male voice yet in this thread), Bob. It was very thought-provoking to hear from someone who's been the guy in the middle on a situation such as the OP raised. And if my questions were too personal, I do apologize. I'm very glad to hear that you are now able to live close to your daughters and enjoy this special time in their lives.
OP, just to play devil's advocate to myself, I have to pipe up and say that I agree with the import of LoisLane's post. If you do believe that your friend is being above-board with you, and you see some really great long-term potential there, I think you'd be wise to be his oasis of calm and support rather than provide further stress at this point. To me that just means you'll be matter-of-fact about this situation, rather than dramatic or volitile, and that you'll help him, as you have already, to brainstorm and make suggestions on how to deal compassionately with a former s.o. Obviously, some time is called for now that he's dealing more forcefully with the situation, to see if the problem continues to persist.
I'm still wondering, though, why he'd have to take her things over to her. Why not mail the stuff to her, or any number of non-contact options I can think of off the top of my head? Just a thought.
Good luck. I know it can be daunting to think of walking the road alone again after you've met someone who really really sparked your interest. I hope you can get through this time/situation if indeed this is the man who can be the special one that you deserve in your life. | |
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| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:34:33 AM | Okay, so he starts off by helping this lonely women who eventually finds her way to his bed and hes not going to say no? Is that because he's such a "nice guy"? That would have turned me off from the beginning. At that point he had to have known she was nutty. And I would NOT say SHE was taking advantage of HIM by sleeping with him.
Are you sure he isn't still sleeping with her? I mean the guys so nice he just can't say no!
Personally, I wouldn't be buying all this bull... I wouldn't still be in the picture.
How about next time she calls, you answer the phone. See what his reaction is to that. Or like the above poster said, have her go out with you guys. I think you need the opportunity for yourself to see if she's truly crazy or if he is indeed leading you both on.
I just wonder what he's telling her about you. Maybe he's saying YOU'RE the lonely women who spends weekends at his place.
Do you guys ever spend time at your place? That way she couldn't find him and he could turn off his cell... no calls!!
Overall, I think he is enjoying the attention from both of you. He has two women fighting for him!
So what is it that makes it so hard for him to use force in getting her gone or whatever you said in your update? It sounds as if she's blackmailing him or something. Believe me, there is no reason in the world good enough to NOT do something to protect oneself.
Even if evvvverything he claims is legit, he is still not too concerned about your feelings and thats the same as being played.
Remember, there are 3 sides to every story.
edit: I don't understand why everyone thinks he's being so honest with you. Because he's telling you "everything"? I don't think he IS telling you the whole truth.
He set it all up perfectly. He told you about her "in advance" and is making you feel like you can trust him because he is telling you a bit about her. Thats perfect manipulation in my eyes. Being so "open and honest?" is allowing him to continue carrying on with her.
He's told you everything so you have nothing to catch him up on. Except for the fact you're described as "the company" right to your face. I can't believe you stood for that. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 7:54:37 AM | good for you, metalvixxn and virgogidgit
You hit the situation as I saw it.
I have been there and have seen a man that I was going to date keep his "ex" hanging on by similar tactics. What sane women goes into a relationship with a man who is overlapping his women!! My God! The first woman still had her stuff over there!
You are dead on when you say he's getting his jollies from having two women fight over him. The attention is what it is. You know how some people crave attention? Any attention, even if it's crazy weird negative attention.
If I was OP I would run from this man. This is not about the first woman at all.
If Op stays in there, the next thing she will be seeing is him bringing home the next dolly while OP thinks she is still in a relationship with him. Op will be the one acting like the nutbar while he's trying to explain to the new babykins that she just can't get it that it's over. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 8:09:02 AM | OP,
I'm sorry, but both of these people sound bat-s**t crazy; her for stalking him the way she is, and him for putting up with it. Truly "Nice" guys are not doormats; they don't let people walk all over them; his excuse of trying to "soften the blow" is bulls**t. This other woman is not made of glass. Just because he told you what the deal was does not make him "nice"; he sounds like a coward who is incapable of handling his business.
If he really wanted the harrassment to end he would have grown a pair and done something about it a lot sooner. Methinks he actually likes the attention--two women essentially "fighting" over him. If I were you, I'd cut this one loose. He doesn't sound like he's worth the drama. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 9:41:58 AM | Metalvixxen
I think you are right, there are three sides to every story, and he may not be telling the whole truth.. giving the benefit of the doubt, I would take things slow, and over time, if he has many stories which sound like this, i.e.. My ex was a stalker, this other girl I dated moved all her things into my house without my knowledge, , I met a girl in a bar a few years ago, it was a booty call and she wouldnt let go.. then I would definatly wonder if I would be the next "stalker" if things didn't work out. If this is the only time this happened, then yes he may just be what he says , (Even though I don't know why a woman would move her things in and make a fool out of herself saying she was his fiancee if it were a definate "there is nothing there"
Take it slow, and keep your ears open and see if this type of thing has happened before in his past. information like this seems to comes out over time | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 4:13:09 PM | Wallflower Thank you.
Ive been there so I saw straight up what his doing.
Oh yes they act innocent.
This other lady isnt the nutter.
Even if it isnt the way I think, his a wuss anyway.
Oh dear he had to sleep with her cause she wanted it, there is a word called NO
He could of blocked her number and emails HE Didnt.
List goes on.
I dont believe they were friends at all.
He lead her on like I think his leading OP on. I could see it all from what OP had written.
If he was genuine and cared for the OP at all He would of put his foot down. HE Didnt.
Dont ring This weekend but leaves door open other times.
To me his full of excuses.
OP I think he would do the same to you when a new lady arrives.
If it was me I would meet this other lady and hear her side, I think it would be quite different. Fiancee well I think he lead her to think that .
I bet this first lady is a nice lady and he pushed her to this.
Both ladies should run Who wants to start out with issues straight up anyway?what ever the truth is. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 5:14:05 PM | No, you didn't overreact, you put up with it much longer than I probably would have. The problem is, he's trying to "be reasonable" with a person who cannot be reasoned with. She's not rational, so you can't expect her to listen to anything a normal person could understand.
At this point she's stalking him. There are things he can do to slow her down...for one, I know it's a PITA, but he can call his phone company and tell them the situation, and they will usually change his phone number (and make it a non-published number) for free. I hope he's changed his locks and I think he should seriously get a restraining order. He needs to document every time she harrasses him, in order to get the restraining order. I know you said he's non-confrontational, and I'm sure he is hoping that if he ingores her, she'll go away. Someone like her won't just go away, if anything ignoring her will make her escalate.
You are right to stay away till she's dealt with. In the mean time, is there any way he could come to your place instead of you going there? | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 6:05:36 PM | I found it weird that when the strange car pulled into his drive-way, he actually chased it down to see if it was her. Why on earth would he do that? I could see him doing that if he was fully documenting her behavior and he was fully intending to get a restraining order - but it seems he's so not looking to do that. Weird, too, that he tells her not to call on the weekend - so what message does that send her, that it's then okay for her to call during the week? And why tell her not to call because he has a guest - that implies that when his guest is gone, she can call.
I think you're only hearing his side of the story. Yes, she very well could be a nutjob who can't "let go" but he could just as easily be leading her on when you're not around. The way you describe him, it sounds like he was just an innocent bystander with respect to her moving into his home/life. I somehow doubt that.
And why does she still have 'stuff' at his house? Why hasn't he rounded it up and returned it to her? Surely he's not so obtuse that he isn't aware of her 'stuff' still being around.
So now that you've taken a break from him, due to this Jerry Springer drama, I'd love to be a fly on the wall and see what takes place in your absence. Is she spending nights there? Hmmmmmm. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 6:46:12 PM | I think you got involved a bit too soon. It seems all very quick from gettin rid of her from him starting seeing you and you imply this yourself when you mentioned him telling her hes seeing someone else now, instead of saying bog off. I feel he probably is a nice man but being a bit a wet ninny as well and hiding behind excuses.
At the emd of the day none of that matters now though, you in good faith have started a relationship with this man.
A similar thing happened to me. I met this guy and one his neighbours who was friends with his ex notified her bout me and bang the texts and calls etc went on morning, noon and night, she went nuts. Then I started to get paranoid that was he egging her on and how did she know so much about me (was it really the neighbour etc) and I started listening around doorways when he was on the phone and reading his texts when he popped out and left his phone behind and stuff. At one point I was even looking through drawers though heaven knows what I was looking for!
In the end when our relationship ended it was a relief. Sure I was very sad as he was a nice bloke and sure it probably wasnt anything to do with him but it stressed me out and changed my personality big time and I didnt like the feelings I had on nights I didnt see him I worried bout what he was up to and I couldnt live like that.
I think you've done the right thing. Ok it may not all be his fault but its time the guy got some backbone and went some way of gettin rid of her if thats really, truely what he wants. Starting by changing phone numbers and no excuses with this one. Then she has to come to his house and then it really is harrasement. When I had trouble with an ex I was told that harrasing phonecalls are harder to prove because of witheld numbers and them using other numbers to call from etc but soon as they at ya house you call police. Yes extreme measures but your not dealing with someone normal here! | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 7:14:35 PM |
I told him today that I’m not willing to see him anymore until she is totally out of the picture, that it’s like having another woman with us all the time.
Good for you! | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 9:15:22 PM | Rose Mary,
In my younger days I would have said, sounds like he's being honest. Give it some time, let him work it out. If you guys are to be then you will find a way to get to one another. YOUNGER STUPIDER DAYS.
But I had a similar experience. My ex-husband over the years would tell lots of "truths" that had a little "tale on the end". They would come out when they needed to. Unfortunately they usually didn't come out until I was already too involved to see clearly, or someone else didn't need the "whole story". (And by the way, the ex girlfriend who was supposedly just staying there at the time was trying all sorts of manipulation tactics, like calling his mother on him & faking a pregnancy so she could stay.) Think for just a minute about people that someone like this might attract. Are there some personality issues that might hamper "normal" "healthy" relationships? I found out all kinds of things in the end that were true. And I spent 10 years in an unhealthy relationship. Allowing them. Seeing it from "his perspective". But its a little manipulative to me. And while it seems he's "fessing up", they say that the best lies are built on some part of the truth. There's a website: Lovefraud.com
The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness," Stout says. "It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy."
The combination of consistently bad or inadequate behavior and frequent plays for your pity, Stout continues, is the closest thing to a warning you'll ever get that you are being manipulated by a sociopath.
Psychopaths are frequently successful in talking their way out of trouble—"I've learned my lesson;" "You have my word that it won't happen again;" "It was simply a big misunderstanding;" "Trust me." They are almost as successful in convincing the criminal justice system of their good intentions and their trustworthiness. Although they frequently manage to obtain probation, a suspended sentence or early release from prison, they simply ignore the conditions imposed by the courts.
Its just a concern. Be careful. I made a huge mistake. The best decision I ever made was to leave. And you know still to this day I have feelings I can't shake and the impulse to cover for him. All of them aren't about swindling money. Some just see a comfortable lifestyle, or someone maybe they want, and they do what they will to get it. But its not about maintaining a relationship, its just about what they can accumulate. This is exactly how many stories start out...I could be completely wrong. But I would be remiss if I let this go. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 9:26:38 PM | One more, I cannot resist, it concerns me too much:
According to Dr. Robert Hare, many sociopaths (he prefers the term "psychopaths") behave in a way that is technically not illegal, but violates conventional ethical standards. Dr. Hare calls these cases "subcriminal."
In his book, Without Conscience, he states:
"They appear to function reasonably well—as lawyers, doctors, psychiatrists, academics, mercenaries, police officers, cult leaders, military personnel, businesspeople, writers, artists, entertainers and so forth—without breaking the law, or at least without being caught and convicted. These individuals are every bit as egocentric, callous and manipulative as the average criminal psychopath; however, their intelligence, family background, social skills and circumstances permit them to construct a façade of normalcy and to get what they want with relative impunity."*
These subcriminal sociopaths rarely go to prison or any other facility.
Ok, I'm out. | |
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Posted: 5/9/2008 9:27:17 PM | | I wouldn't have given this balless wonder 6 DAYS, let alone 6 weeks. Do you really want a man with no backbone??? BLECH | |
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Posted: 5/10/2008 1:38:20 PM | Well, i am like him, i hate confrontations, i never see the need for anything negative, but she is obviously way too clingy and has become a stalker, if i was in your position and my current girlfriend has this problem (a stalking guy) i would try to rough it out if i thought it was going somewhere with the girlfriend.
But as someone suggested, you two could try seeing each other at your place or just tell him to call you when its all sorted out.
A Restraining order is the only real thing that can stop a stalker. | |
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Posted: 5/11/2008 9:38:15 PM | Thanks again to all that responded and particularly to those sharing personal experiences. I appreciate the input.
I've decided just to see how things go...take it slow. Her things are gone...he decided to just get rid of them (was just a few toiletries). We spent this weekend partially in his town...partially in mine. She did not call (neither house or cell) and no impromptu visits. It was a delightful weekend as a result.
Thanks again to everyone.
Rose Mary | |
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Posted: 5/11/2008 10:11:00 PM | OP, you did the right thing distancing yourself. I was in a similar situation once where I started dating a guy whose ex wouldn't let go. He had had a lifelong friendship with her but was never in love with her, though they would have sex every time she passed through town. Well 3 weeks after he and I started dating, she decided to move to his town. He told her she could stay at his house while she was looking for a job. I told him she goes or I go, so he gave her notice, and she was out quickly. He and I then proceeded to the beginning of a (seemingly) wonderful relationship. However, she was never completely out of his life and would go through phases of trying to befriend him again. He didn't have the guts to totally stand up to her so I gave him another ultimatim. This time he stood up to her. She ended up breaking into his house and brandishing a loaded gun, trying to kill him! He managed to wrestle the gun away from her. She got a felony menacing charge on her record, and he finally got a restraining order and got her out of his life. It took him 2 years to do this, and for those 2 years, it was always an issue for me. The fact that he allowed the friendship to persist in spite of the fact it was hurting me was a red flag that he was unwilling to put me first in his life.
Bottom line is he cannot allow another woman to interfere with or sabotage your relationship. It is up to him to draw the line. If he wants you bad enough, he will do whatever needs to be done, even if it is a restraining order. | |
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Posted: 5/11/2008 10:18:14 PM | Rose Mary,
That's great that you both had a good weekend...............but what did he do to rectify the situation? Did he actually take concrete steps to make things clear to her? As you live in separate towns, how do you know he doesn't see her while you're not around? Wishing you the best but I think there's more to this situation than you're aware of. | |
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Posted: 5/11/2008 10:28:51 PM | yes...I agree with you, wutznot2love
My coin?
It's going on the square that says he's playing all the ladies.
Reminds me of what just happened a few months ago in our lovely Province. Romeo died unexpectedly. What came out of the mess was that he was romancing women in three towns!! They all thought that he was their boyfriend! He did this little # for over a year! If, he got caught in a lie or a woman was where she wasn't supposed to be, he just made up some story of HER BEING AN EX!!
No wonder he died of a heart attack.
Hint: He's dating and looking and she's still got all of her stuff there at his place. Lots of stuff!! Not just a few little odds and ends. | |
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Posted: 5/12/2008 5:46:40 PM | | OMG Seriously she is way beyond "stalker" type and you two need to do something now or I'm honestly scared to hear what she will do. You did not over react and for your own safety I would stay away from him until some sort of restraining order is in place. I also don't trust him I hate to say it, he seems to be allowing it because he knows that saying "stop calling" isnt doing anything yet he isn't trying to do anything else. Be careful. You did not over react at all! | |
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Posted: 5/13/2008 9:25:26 PM | 
Follow-up to the guy who died unexpectantly....(he's rolling around in his grave).
The 3 women have gotten together and have become friends somewhat. Only to come to terms with what he did. Then they discovered another 2 women!!
They all went for dinner at a Chinese food restaurant (big table) and told their stories and recorded it in a journal. I am going to love reading it when it comes to my turn.
Apparently, he overlapped all of them. He was always on the hunt. It was like a banquet out there for him. Some of the women recognized each other as incoming sweeties and outgoing sweeties. There were fights apparently and there were a couple women who refused to accept that there was a NEXT!
Three said that they had basically moved in (he didn't bat an eye) and were astounded when he told them that he was seeing someone else. In all instances, he wanted to stay friends and in fact called all of them up until the day he died!!
Hey...Paul...I hope you can hear us down here talking about you. What a man!!
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| Last Girlfriend Hanging On...
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:41:24 PM | | you did a good thing OP cause he needs a restraining order on this chick or shes got some serious issues... | |
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