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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:15:46 PM | why would anyone bother engaging in battle with a drunk person
Because they were all drunk, they "had been drinking all day at the beach", and were going out for more. It's too bad Monk isn't a POF member. He could solve some of these baffling questions. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:18:27 PM | Hey you responded to Mr homeboy good . He is a bigot for making the comments. It shows ignorance oh his part. Your point is a good point. And to be honest with you the thought popped in my head but then I thought to myself is it really worth it to say something to him. I just thought it would be best to ignore him and go on.
Thanks for your comment | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:42:12 PM | I Personally think its best to move on,,,,
G/F sounds like she needs a lot of attention.....
Be a Lady-Ignore it-Move on, get to the cabin,,,,,,,,,,,, ;-)
JMO
Jeanette
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:03:20 PM | I would choose #2 aswell..
I agree, should assume the bum is unstable and doesn't care what happens to him/her. You don't want to take that chance of something bad happening so should leave. Your now ex girlfriend should be happy your looking out for both of your lives, safety. Telling someone to shut up can easily provoc(sp?) them to want to phyically fight you, then get worse from there. I wouldn't want to take the risk..
Also, possible she was just finding an excuse to leave the relationship. If she's going to get mad or break up with you over something like that, then she ain't worth your time and just move on. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:38:53 AM | LOL; come on; she was probably wearing something extremely revealing and sexual, wanting others to see her and then she's being sexually harassed. OMG; the victim card comes out.
Elements of sexual harrassment
Repeated: The bum came back for round two so..... check
Unwanted: Hmm....yeah i believe that was communicated in the first encounter so ...check
creates a hostile situation: that's a no brainer so... check
Thinking......Nope, what she's wearing is irrelevant. As soon as it was communicated to him his comments were unwelcome and he comes back for more, it's harrassment. No victim card needed, she was a victim and her boyfriend gave the message loud and clear that it was no big deal. Just as you just did. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:44:13 AM | Leave it alone and enjoy the vacation!!! Who wants drama during a time that you are suppose to be having fun, kicking back and chilling? Certainly not I!
In my opinion, you did the right thing. We have to pick and choose our battles accordingly. Your gf may be one of those women who thrives on their man fighting in their "honor"........... | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:55:46 AM | | ty texracefan I was wondering when a man would say what I believed needed saying.The only reason I say that is because I am the type that will come to the defense of someone especially if I believe they are being picked on because of their looks or because they are seen as easy prey.This is unexceptable on any sandy beach especially from someone who gets drunk to get a backbone.There are ways to diffuse this without it excalating into something worse like u could have called the attendants attention to it and they could have called the cops.You could have chose to say outloud how beautiful ur g/f looked to u that day in particular which if u had said I am sure the other couple would have agreed and then u could have left.Ur unwillingness to step up and be a man by defending ur g/f's honor and u said she was ur g/f not just a date then she found out u weren't what she needed because u couldn't be counted on when she needed u.This is my opinion and there are those that feel differently and to each their own. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:24:49 AM | | let me add one more thing--they were at the beach all day in bathingsuits so exactly how was she asking for such rudeness from a stranger?If in fact u did manhandle her when ya were back in the cruise cabin then she should have called the porter on u and u r in fact in my eyes the bum.It seems as though u r trying to justify ur cowardness by blaming the woman.Shame on you. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:05:45 AM | ^^Why do I feel like I'm reading that old book from my childhood called "CDB"?
Some folks here make it sound like the guy turned tail and ran off without the woman. THAT would make him a coward. He chose not to cause the situation to escalate into something more or worse. It doesn't sound like his friends had his back, either, or they would have joined in turning away the other guy.
For those women who think the OP should have done something, my question is "Where do you draw the line?" If it were you and your fellow in the situation and a verbal warning to the offender is not enough, would you support your guy hitting him? Would you support your guy seriously injuring him? Would you support your guy killing him? Do you imagine yourself being able to pull your guy away in the heat of the moment when his adrenaline is surging and he thinks he's doing something noble for you?
I was trying to break up a fight once (well, plenty of times) and a very muscular man c0çked his fist at ME, the peace maker. I walked away because I learned that men (sometimes women) in a rage will swing at anything that comes near. And the real reason I walked away is because I didn't give a sh*t about the people fighting. I wasn't involved. Just like I wouldn't give a sh*t about some idiot making a comment about my girl's cleavage. Neither he nor his comment would mean a thing to me. If he were physically threatening, it would be a different matter. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:22:40 AM | rentahusband,
Bummer about your friends views of us Yanks, I haven't found overt racism in the US to be bad at all, of course I live in NYC where progressive ideals dominate. Though I have seen its effects as perceived/experienced by others and thus was able to constitute a sensitivity for it. Personally, I've experienced it only once in person and interesting story I like to regale people with when this topic comes up. I was about 11 at the time, my mother would take us along with our then pastors family to Jones Beach on Long Island. It seemed like a long way from Brooklyn back in the early 80's and was a great escape from the city. On one of these visits I found myself as I usually did, playing with sand, trying to sculpt shapes and such. A little girl about half my age was playing with a bucket and shovel and she came over and we started playing together. Minutes pass by as we are engaged with our silicon creations. Out of the blue and for no reason I could discern, she stops and looks up to me and asks "Are you white?" I was stunned to silence. The little girl (who was "white") then took her bucket and shovel and went off. I was left to contemplate the experience and I realized she was simply playing back what she'd heard. In that experience I realized that racism was something learned or taught, it wasn't intrinsic. Her parents apparently were so focused with infecting her with hate they neglected to tell her how to apply it! That was the only face to face experience I had with it in person, it gave me the desire to question beliefs dispassionately before letting emotion cloud my judgement, I've had more experiences of overt racism online in the last 10 years. The veil of pseudo internet anonymity that people feel hidden behind emboldens them to be well, who they really are. Yet even online it happens less than some (well less than I) would expect given recent American history.
I'll have to admit to a potential bias in the fact that I am a first generation man of Caribbean descent living in NYC, my parents come from a different cultural world from the one that African Americans live in, there were distinct differences in views, language ( my parents are Haitian) and culture that had Caribbean immigrants ostracized by the AA's and others who didn't like the idea of yet another bunch of immigrants coming to the states to "steal jobs". Even within the immigrant groups there was bias and racism, the English speaking immigrant groups (Jamaicans, Trinidadians...etc.) felt more affinity with one another than with the Haitians , who were separated by language (French/Creole) and culture. I remember clearly not wanting to tell other people of color I was Haitian as a child for fear I'd be made fun off in some way. Though I have affinity with people of color for the particular types of bias I've seen expressed toward them I also have affinity for anyone that comes from hard times and knows what it is like to struggle and aspire for better for their family in the face of ignorance. People tend to be biased for perceived difference , period...color just happens to be an easily targeted flag for that bias, one that unfortunately has been easy to apply here in the US to people who look significantly different from the European descent majority. My parents came from villages in Haiti, sometimes went days without food as children...those stories gave me context as a child being upset that there wasn't any more bread to make a sandwich so I had to settle for something else like Ramen noodles and boiled eggs! (at least there was a "something else")
In dealing with new people that is the main problem I've found that needs to be overcome, the *assumptions* that we make of others based on our own perspective and experience history, when such experiences are more or less homogeneous throughout a group of people (as they tend to be when you come from the same culture or background) there is no problem, but as soon as you start crossing lines to engage with others with completely different backgrounds the assumptions come in and context can be lost if the individuals are not cognizant of the need to stop and say "what has he/she been through that would make them think this way?" or "what DOESN'T this person know about me that makes them believe what they do?" I've found great success in exploring differences peacefully by using these insights and I am down here in the hated US of A. Tell your buddy not to worry, there are lots of folks down here (of all shades and backgrounds) trying to change what was... by engaging ignorance inspired hate with reason and understanding, slow progress is progress all the same.
Okay , my off topic novel is concluded back to the topic at hand of drunk "bum" drama. ;)
Regards, | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:40:23 AM | Love it! I was walking with a female friend at lunch today and was stopped by a guy who, apparently, remembered me from my old neighborhood (about 30 years back). Now, I’m not going to say he was a worthless bum but his appearance and demeanor weren’t especially polished. He asked me if I smoke pot (the second question, after "what's up?"), to which I relied that I don’t. He asked about some people from the neighborhood and I replied that I hadn’t seen them since leaving there. Next, he asked about my brother and, truthfully, I haven’t seen him in a while, either, which I told the man. “What’s his last name?” he asked about my brother. Now, my tone hadn’t changed throughout the conversation but I wasn’t going to give him this information. It was none of his business. “If you know me, you’d know that,” I simply replied. The man then became hostile and started to curse me. My friend and I walked away.
Should I have fought him? Better yet, should my female friend have jumped in to defend my honor?
You see, if you want to fight, you’re always provided with an opportunity. I opted to walk away. I don’t know who would have emerged victoriously if the man and I had fought. What I do know is that my friend would have witnessed a side of me I’d prefer she didn’t see. Yeah, I want that side of me to be at the ready when it’s really needed but this wasn’t one of those moments. For the women who want a man to act as protector, how do you know such a man will be able to turn off that killer “instinct” when the two of you fight? | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:45:21 PM | | OP, you did the right thing. Although, I had a woman dump me for the same reason, for the same type of situation (although mine took place on a subway in NYC). In the end, she wasn't worth it either. When you can just walk away from a bad situation, do so. Now, if he pursued the two of you, that would require a different response. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:31:28 PM | | In my younger days I would've chose answer #1. But now that I am older I would have to say answer #2 (or depending on what the bum is drinking answer #3......TEQUILA). If I paid my money to go on a cruise the last thing I'm thinking about is some drunk bum talking shyt! And if your girl is going to get made at you for not wanting to fight on a cruise ship then you should have taken option 3 and 4... and left her there!!!!! | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:25:36 PM | heartwinners [OP]:
For what ever reason your gf felt vulnerable, alone, threatened and yes a little scared. She is saying "You left me alone out there, Where were you?" She is not making that up, that is how she felt.
Women despite their bravado are indeed pretty tiny creatures after all. I have no idea what it's like to live in a world where at least 50% of everyone else is a significant threat.
I wasn't there so, I'll pass on offering my Rambo version of what I would do. I have no idea if you acted appropriately or not OR whether your girlfriend was a little off that day.
But:
1. Beating up a homeless man was never an option. So you were always going to walk away here, regardless of what else you did.
2. There was never any need to say or do anything in particular.
All you needed to do was make sure both your gf and the homeless guy were fully aware of one simply fact:
Behind this woman, stands a man, who will step in front.
It is really that simple. All you needed to do was place your hand on your gf's shoulder, tighten your grip a little, look at the homeless guy ... and situation resolved. No escalation need occur. Yeah, you could've say something if you wanted, usually never necessary, that's just movie stuff.
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Anyway, you have no idea what the drunk homeless guy meant when he made the cleavage remark. He MAY have been offering a compliment, stating someone as beautiful need not show cleavage. Sure an a$$ backwards compliment, wanna want, he's a drunk homeless guy. The homeless guy could have been really insulted because you/her would not even accept a compliment from a homeless guy. That homeless guy could have been everyone's favorite at that bar/place.
Wouldn't it be funny if the homeless guy was telling stories, while sitting around their little fire as they thank whatever god they have left ... that they made it thru another day; about these two self deluded people would were to good to even acknowledge a friendly (albeit whacked) gesture from a homeless man.
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But I have no idea what really happened. However, if the bar owner was letting a homeless guy hang around paying customers then it is quite likely the homeless guy was OK.
Most probably, the alcohol your gf had was sufficient to change her brain chemistry enough that her reaction, vulnerable, alone, scared was probably just an mild alcohol induced panic attack. Especially if she was drinking daily for the past week. Just the low blood sugar effect alone is enough to alter the flight / flight response.
Anyway, your second mistake was arguing about how she felt when back on the ship. You should have just apologized for how she felt, accepted it and explained she was in no danger.
As in: "I'm sorry you felt that way sweetheart, but I had it under control, you were in no danger. I am already aware you have fingers ... you don't have to keep showing them to me ... they're nice fingers ... what do you want me to say?"
The fact that you chose to argue about it, seems to indicate that you were indeed a little scared yourself. Nothing wrong with that, just accept it, you may have been suffering from the prolonged alcohol usage effects yourself. It happens.
But give up the "shaking women" thing, man. Most men who see that stuff happen get exceptionally angry, it's part of being male. | |
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| A bum of a question
Posted: 5/21/2008 7:14:08 PM | Sumbuddy's been reading too many Romance novels, and I doubt it was the OP. There are times when the extra muscle and testosterone come in very handy -- this wasn't one of them. Be glad you got the information you needed from the lady before it involved lawyers and assets.
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