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 Schadenfreudian
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 26
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Sometimes it's just time to admit that you cannot apply logic to the rantings of a psychotic.
 kthyg
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 27
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 12:28:30 PM
I'd say it's because a lot of us tried to make it work through a ton of these situations and have long since figured out that unless both parties are working towards it, there is no chance of making it work. Sometimes even if both parties are trying to make it work, it still doesn't work. Sometimes it's worth the effort but often it represents a pattern of behaviour that indicates things just aren't meant to be.
 oldsoul
Joined: 3/10/2007
Msg: 28
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 12:45:06 PM
There are people who post genuinely...let's say a man or a woman might be asking about a real problem that is happening in an otherwise "good" long term relationship (it does happen occasionally:) as opposed to people who post to ask us what to do regarding this "new" person they have just met and with whom they are already exasperated with.

Within a day, or a week or perhaps a month or two, they are already trying to "mold" or change that person into something else.

And as much as I hate the term red flags (grrr), their entire post is RED with flags.

They can't stand someone with a past, yet this girl/guy has had 100 partners before them.

They can't/won't/ don't accept or love children, specially someone else's children, but this new guy/girl has 3 or 5 or 6.

They can't stand someone who has friends of the opposite sex, yet they knew ( right from the start) that this new girl/guy is, and plans on remaining best friend with her/his ex(es)!

And on and on and on it goes! And hearing stuff like this day after day after day sometimes makes me feel like ! LOL!!

So for those people, the answer is obvious *to me*. When you first meet and you start to date someone, that is the time to
try and find out what and who that person is all about.

It is NOT the time to try and mold them into something or someone that YOU want or need them to be. In my opinion, you either accept that person the way they are NOW, or "as is"... with all their flaws ( perceived or otherwise)...OR you wish them well and leave them be to find someone who will.

Again in my opinion, it's simple, it's effective...it's fair, and it's hardly a new phenomenon. It's the way it's always been and it's the only way to be. I believe that if more people " ran, bailed, or left" the people that are "wrong" for them, there would be a lot less miserable and poorly matched couples trying to make the impossible work.

My saying to someone who *to me* is poorly suited with this new person he/she is newly enamoured with that they should let
that person go, is NOT representative of me believing that two good and well suited people shouldn't be working on their temporarily troubled, but otherwise solid long term relationship.

I'm simply suggesting to the former that perhaps there shouldn't be a relationship to begin with IF they can't accept each other for who they are now, based ( of course) on the information they have provided for us in their opening post.

And that's all one can do really is to give their own opinions based on their own life experiences....to each their own.



JMO
 life_of_leisure
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 29
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:04:00 PM
> why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?

Simple: we've transitioned from a til-death-do-us-part system to one where it's til-unhappiness-do-we-stay-together. This mirrors the function of relationships from being about survival to being about fulfillment. Thus relationships are now more conditional. Obviously if someone is unhappy it's time for them to split.

Leaves more for the rest of us anyhow...
 nigelwright
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 30
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:38:15 PM
Because they can !

Why put up with something thats not working ?

The problem is some people think they can walk all over their partner and get away with it. Hence I dont live with anyone and spend my dosh on me !
 GentleCanuck
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 31
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:57:20 PM
OP,

It depends on the type of relatonship. Is it is a first date or a long term relationship?

I will pick a simple example. Let's say someone does not have a job.

If you find out early in the relationship that your date does not have a job and that is a real turnoff to you, by all means end the relationship. Why enter into a relationship you do not want? As a bonus, you might avoid being a sugar daddy or sugar mommy.

In a long term relationship, it is best to try to work through rough situations. If your spouse lost their job, it is normally best to work through it. They will find a job eventually if they want to. If after a period of time you think your spouse does not want a job, and this is a deal breaker to you, then leave.

Somethings should not be worked out. Abuse should not be tolerated period.
 GentleCanuck
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 32
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 1:59:20 PM


Because they can !

Why put up with something thats not working ?

The problem is some people think they can walk all over their partner and get away with it. Hence I dont live with anyone and spend my dosh on me !



That is the best post yet!
 peregrinate
Joined: 4/30/2008
Msg: 33
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:06:50 PM
Well, you only hear one side of the story here -- who knows what is really happening? Though I have been slapped down for saying his, the forums seem to be more about people working out how they feel about an issue, and maybe giving someone a window into their souls that a paragraph in a profile can't provide.

As well, the relationships that people post about are usually new. That's the best time to end it if it doesn't look like things are working out. I mean, should a new couple head to counseling before they even have a real start with a relationship? There isn't anything to SAVE at that point. On the other hand, if it's a relationship with a long history, staying and working things out may be the best idea, especially if there are kids involved.

ADDITIONALLY, people are going to do what they want anyway, and I have yet to see testimonials about how an advice forum changed a person's mind, and thanking everyone for being so wise and knowledgeable.
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 34
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:08:09 PM

Why put up with something thats not working ?


Which is the gist of what others are saying here. It used to be that we weren't supposed to sweat the small stuff yet now (at least here on POF) the small stuff IS the big stuff!

I mean, look at Yari, openly stating that if his gf complained about him leaving the top off the toothpaste too much, he'd leave!

I mean, can you GET anymore trivial than that? (no offence dude)

If that is one's definition of "not working" then no wonder this place has so many people......
 brokenheartsunite
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 35
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:12:02 PM
It is because we live in a disposable society and thanks to our friend the internet--everyone thinks they can find someone better, thinner, richer, taller, etc.
No one stays because it is too easy to leave. Makes me crazy--Even this dating thing--You go out on a couple dates or whatever they are called now and then nothing for weeks and then the person calls and may want to see you one night--just seems a lot harder than it should be
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 36
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:25:04 PM
Because you're only dating them, if someone leaves you over what you perceive to be a trivial matter chances are there were a dozens things he/she hated but that was the straw that broke it.
Many of who were us were married for years put up with high levels of BS from our partners because of a commitment, children, finances etc. So now that we are single and realize that it is OK to be alone we figure why waste any time with someone that gets under your skin or has baggage you don't need in your life. Not everyone wants to deal with Ex wives, bratty kids or whining. I am an independent person now for the first time in 20 years and will not put up with any man's crap. Life is too short and I've wasted enough of my own already. I keep a calm home, have normal kids and pay my bills on time. I walk because it no longer suits me.
 Intimacy only
Joined: 6/2/2007
Msg: 37
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:28:32 PM
"He still has contact with his ex: Leave him
She still has contact with her ex: leave her
She is friends with her exes: Leave her"

I got married on a Monday in 1994. The following Sunday "He" came for her. The ex. She left with him.
So about 8 years goes by and this lady I had been running into asks me out. I asked her the status of her last relationship and she tells me, "I haven't been involved with anyone in over a year and a half -- why I haven't even had a date in over a year." Turns out she hadn't been involved with anyone for about 15 days. So after about two months back to him she went.
So now, when the first hint of an ex shows up -- I'm gone. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Third time -- nah.

I wouldn't be surprised if my experience is similar to many on this site.
I ran through all the flashing lights and signals too often. Now, when the warning light comes on at the train track, I don't try to beat the train. I stop. Trains hit hard.
 Mind Freak
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 38
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:36:56 PM

These days, people dont want to deal with other people's crap.

There are way too many options out there, why get stuck with one, especially if its not what you looking for.
even marriages fall apart after 20-30 years........

To me, when people try to communicate and try to work things out, all they're doing is 1) trying to change the other person 2) doing sacrifices just to make it work.
"Our relationship has failed. We're not compatible but also we're too lazy, so instead of finding someone else, let's try to postpone our break up couple more months/years, then later we can finish this more violently"

I fully support RUN/BAIL/LEAVE mentality. And I have no problem with being "alone" either.
If I don't like something, I'll RUN faster than she can spell R-U-N.....


And certainly it is fine thinking like this that will always make our world a better place to live..... NOT!!!!!!
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 39
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:38:29 PM
Intimacyonly: I know exactly where you are coming from!!! However, I don't run right away. Unfortunately, I usually end up leaving far too late lol.

I have male friends, but I hardly ever see them, and when I do they are with their wife/GF. I would never think to invite him to hang out alone. Whether or not we are being honorable is not the issue for me (I would NEVER do that to anyone!), it's simply respect for his wife/GF. Maybe she is not comfortable with that.

How would I feel if situation were reversed?


I guess people forgot that anything worth while takes some effort.


That's an interesting statement on here when most people do not put forth any effort in the first place.... Food for thought.

Like most everything else these days - change. Relationships have changed, society has changed. The fast pace of today gets mirrored in almost everything we do.
 flirtymj123
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 40
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:41:53 PM
I agree with you. I was in a relationship for eleven years which should have ended years earlier. It didn't because I wanted try to make it work. I won't put up with as much now. If my friends ask me for advise dump him always comes out first. Why put off the inevitable? Of course no-one really knows what happens in any relationship but the two people involved and there are a lot of drama kings and queens out there!
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 41
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:45:58 PM

No one stays because it is too easy to leave.


Truer words have never been spoken! Throughout my entire life not a thing ever came easy for me so when I look at dating, I look at it the same way: Just because she isn't perfect, doesn't mean she isn't right (for me).

As for carolann: you epitomize the problem I find with women my age. They had a relatively poor marriage and are SO on guard for the slightest thing that isn't perfect, and whoop, off they go.

Now, and you have every right to feel how you feel, but did it ever occur to you that maybe your ex feels the same way about you? Therefore every woman he meets from now on he'll be on the starting line to bail at the first hint of anything that isn't perfect?

The only beef I have with your post is your commet: and will not put up with any man's crap. Well, I hope you like women because there are only two choices: men or women. I also hope you don't think that all men are the same as your ex, because of your experience with him, doesn't mean your experience will be the same with the next guy that comes along.....
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:53:00 PM

it really never occurred to me that anyone would be so childish as to post something with anything in mind other than honestly looking for advice.


I recommend that you read all the different reasons why threads get deleted in this site. The reality is that a lot of people are not looking for honesty in the advice they seek. Al they are looking for is vindication that what they did was the right thing, and they were in the right. And you see it all the time where the person thinking that is being right, gets blasted by everyone here, because what they just did is plain stupid.

Now, why do you get so many comments indicating to leave the relationship NOW. RUN. Why? Dating is easy. You don't like her, or him. Don't call. End of story. It is rude. But it is done all the time, over and over again. The problem is not dating, the problem is RELATIONSHIPS and the reality is that most people should have left the other person long time ago and instead dragged it for too long. Or on starting a new relationship do not know what to do at different stages. So you are going to get all kinds of responses, and all are based more on mirroring by the person responding than really trying to solve the other persons problem.
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 43
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:02:20 PM
theblueeyes wrote:

<div class="quote">i see more and more woman who cut and run BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES - OR THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS -WHO THEY CHOSE , THEY JUST BLAME THE MEN AND HOLLER

I think it is a two way street. I was just thinking to myself how to start a thread that addressed the fact that some men want to leave before they even get involved because they transfer their past issues with women onto their current relationships.

I agree with the OP, some of the advice is a little to ridgid, and otoh OP, I also think that sometimes, when there is a clear pattern of deceit being described, "just asking" can blow up in a persons face as it did in mine with one relationship I had on POF. Both of us were in vulnerable positions, we were planning to meet and he started doing very strange things, at the same time, I was having trouble at work and had gone throuh a bad situation and had transferred it onto him. When I told him what I was thinking, he blew up, called my thinking stupid and that I should give my head a shake... okay, maybe I was assuming incorrectly, but he used that as a reason to say he never wanted to see/type to me again..... WTF indeed. If I had posted on line the Inconsistencies that he was portraying and asked for advice, I very well could have avoided that kind of confrontation.

As it turns out, I think he was transferring his relationship issues with another woman onto me. Would I have stuck it out and tried to find an understanding, yes, but he did the bail and run thing.

Since you are new, these kinds of stories are so common on POF, it is incredible. Some posters need validation, some just move on.

I think you are right in saying "what ever happened to trying to work it out!". But you need to give the benefit of the doubt to the posters that have taken the risk with the assumption that in an age group above 45, the opposite sex they are dealing with can gall darn well, figure out how to talk about it and sort through it!

IMO, zero baggage only exists when both parties agree to empty their suitcases! That just simply does not always happen.

Quite often some people use the internet as a sheild to protect them from their own ignorance. Most of the previous relationships didn't work out because of poor communication skills, lack of patience and sloth when it comes to working on a relationship. We are in the world of instant this, instant that.... to many want an instant perfect relationship imo.
 Handbook4sellouts
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 44
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:08:09 PM
op
psychologically I'd have to say that they're just emotionally unstable.
Every person has some kind of misconception when it comes to love or relationships:

I have friends that I have no trouble with, so why should I have trouble with my date?

I'm afraid of intimacy

I'm not comfortable enough

I'm afraid we'll get into a huge fight

he/she will leave me. I might as well leave them now when I have a chance

People make these kinds of assumptions and excuses because they want to protect themselves. They've probably had the same kind of experience so rather than talking it out with the other person, they'll be passive aggressive and just leave. It can be almost traumatizing for a person that has been rejected many times before or maybe they have some other history. I don't know. All I know is that it has something to do with their confidence which we all have to face in the long run.

I mean, we type away at a computer, alot of us don't have friends and alot of us have many friends. We all got reasons why we're dating people, but don't take it to heart. if they're not responding well, maybe it's not worth the work. But if you sincerely believe that they are the right person, you should go after them and try to talk things over. Sometimes you have to take the initiative if they aren't willing to. In the long run, it's all dependent on what you want and what they're willing to give you.

That's what I know from my experiences. Hope I helped.
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 45
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:11:39 PM
Well Ikiera:

You have a lot of good info there but one thing that I want to point out: 45+ doesnt mean a thing here.

FOr eg: Someone didn't like what I posted on her thread and subsequantly it was deleted. So she wrote me to blast me for it and at the end, she wrote : I see you are only on 2 people's favourites list and I am on three, so maybe YOU are the problem!

I mean, this person was 64 yrs old!! (going on 12 I might add).......Talk about the epitome of childish!!
 ikiera
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 46
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:12:45 PM
OP, how could you do anything but laugh at that!
 rentahusband
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 47
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:16:35 PM
LOL I know, I mean, I was shocked at first....and had to go back to her profile to make sure of her age...lol.....

I mean, I've got more friends than youuuuu doooo I've got more friends than youuuuu dooooo neener neener neeeeener lol I always wondered if she was skipping or doing a little dance when she wrote that? lol
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 48
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:21:15 PM
People make these kinds of assumptions and excuses because they want to protect themselves. They've probably had the same kind of experience so rather than talking it out with the other person, they'll be passive aggressive and just leave.


Actually, I've also seen where one person really talks about it and gets kicked to the curb anyway....
 deb_in_charlotte
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 49
why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:22:06 PM
Great topic. I feel just as frustrated. I feel discouraged. No one wants to put the required effort into making relationships work these days. We live in such a "throw away" and socially lazy and/or inept society.


I would have to say this is probably the ONE reason why I go through periods where I just don't feel like dating and ask myself "why bother?" I seem to meet the superficial, pretentious types when what I really want is to encounter someone who is as down to earth as me...who recognizes no one is perfect...who is realistic in their expectations...AND who is willing to invest the time and effort necessary to get to know someone and/or in a relationship. I prefer my own company to dealing with men who, for whatever reason, just can't be REAL...
 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 50
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why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:25:54 PM
They say RUN/BAIL/LEAVE because that is a human's first reaction to a bad situation. Its a natural human reaction to run from things that they fear. Survival instincts I think.
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