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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:27:50 PM | | I didn't read everyones responses to your questions/statements, but I fully agree with you that people throw away the relationship too quickly. Americans ARE a throw away society, and I tend to think that the internet has made it so in the dating world as well. Look at all the dating sites etc.... and I also tend to agree that some of the things people run from are very minor. Not sure you can change the mentality, just look for the one for you! hopefully they will be as open minded, willing to try things etc as you yourself are. If the person I was with liked something I didn't I would either allow them to do it without me, or you know what (to me) over time, knowing how much my SO liked it... I would be willing to do it with them sometimes. Thus SEEING how much enjoyment they got from it would over time change my mind to enjoying it too, JUSt because they did and in a relationship, I enjoy seeing my SO enjoy themselves. However not as many people subscribe to that thought process, instead they throw it away looking for the instant perfect connection, which those of us with experience (older individuals) knows there is NO such thing as perfect. I'm not, I'll be the first to admit it, hence I do not expect my SO to be perfect either. just MHO. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:28:43 PM | Deb, I couldn't have said it better myself! I for one haven't asked a woman out on a date....in .....OMG probably 3 yrs now? lol....
But that being said, that isn't why I started the thread, it is more an observation as to why that is the only advice (or the first advice) people tend to give here.
As an explanation to why I haven't asked anyone out in 3 yrs:
I equate myself to a farm dog hanging out on the front lawn on some dirt road in northern ontario. I'm a good old dog, playful, don't poo on the rug, fetch the paper in the morning, keep the birds off the porch, etc.
When I was young and foolish I used to chase the cars that would come roaring down the road in front of my place. One would come by and off I'd go, tearing hell bent for leather after it.....only thing I'd end up doing is getting a facefull of dust and gravel.
Now I'm older and wiser: The way I see it: if the damn cars want to get caught? They know where I am lol........ | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:31:31 PM | Dear OP...The Mushroom hears you and is with you....
Another poster stated:
"You should never have to work really hard in a relationship..."
Funny, after knowing several couples that made it through 30 or more years of marriage and/or relationships; I don't know one that would say that's a true statement.
In fact, that's the anti-mating call of this modern dating "grass is always greener" (as someone else mentioned) population of serial daters we call PoF.
Have a problem with a relationship; post it on PoF's forums; don't waste your time communicating with your partner.
There are plenty of bitter single people ready at all times to shovel out their advice.
Want my shovelful of advice??
All good long term relationships take hard work.
Sex and dating is easy...all these old timer PoF'ers do it without a thought, as they throw one another away repeatedly searching for "the one"
Hey people, that thing you call chemistry is just lust; relationships have to transcend that if they want to last a lifetime.
I heard a great one on an old British TV show the other day......
Young couple being advised on their impending nuptials by the Victor....
"Many are easily able to make their wedding vows,
....but find that keeping them for life is considerably more demanding indeed"
You think that you are not settling for anything less than "the one", when the reality is that you will never settle period; like a mote of dust blown around by the wind, you will never light for long on any one place; poof the wind blows and you are gone again to greener pastures.
No hard work for you, no sir.
If it isn't easy and filled never ending chemistry, then get out.
And make sure to keep offering your advice to newbies that are stupid enough to come on these forums looking for real help.
And as usual that advice will always be the same.
"Dump him"
My suggestion is to enter into the cat breeding business...
...there will be a lot of lonely people looking to buy cats in their old age.....
I am the Mushroom and I approved this message.  | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:34:51 PM | | OP - the examples you gave are so generalized. However, I agree, relationships, just like families, careers, pets, etc. have become so disposable. There are times (cheating; physical/verbal abuse; substance abuse) when it is necessary to end a relationship if the offender isn't willing to change their behavior, much less seek help. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:40:27 PM | I couldn't agree more! I think we've come to think that the preferable (ie. easier) way to go is to split when things get tough. How wussy have we become. It is interesting that 50 years ago when everything wasn't instant or immediate or easy, we had the guts to tunnel in for the long haul. Though I realize that some divorces may be necessary, the ease of divorce (as well as the notion that everything had to be catered to our Self) and the popularity of Phil Donohue & Jerry Springer where it became sport to see the breakdown of relationships 'just happen' to coincide with the wimpy-ness of us as a society. Marriage difficult? Get out. Job hard? Get out. Everything seem to be centered around a family member with special needs? Throw a temper tantrum & demand that others pay attention to you. It is interesting to view this childishness of the American 'Adult' in light of Diana West's book, The Disappearance of the Adult. Just an observation (now I wonder how many people are going to cry about how harsh my words here-or yours for that matter- are?)
Roger | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:40:40 PM | Misrespresentations abound.
"He swatted my hand away when I wanted to rub my P^ssy: he's selfish and an idiot, leave him"
Oh, my. I missed this thread. Somehow I suspect there was a lot more to it that was left out that demonstrate how selfish and idiotic the person is in the mind of the poster. Without all of that I don't know if stay or leave or something in between was a wise suggestion.
"He still has contact with his ex: Leave him
She still has contact with her ex: leave her
She is friends with her exes: Leave her"
In all the threads I have seen on these lines the content was not just "contact" but emotionally entangled and unavailable for a relationship with the poster. What there was going on was delusion on one or both parts that the person was available. The relationship that needed work was the one the person the OP was talking about with their ex. Not in the OP's ability to work on that, only to let go of the delusion.
"He didn't tell me about his past: leave him"
Sweeping generality here, again, with misrepresentation of content. If the person's behavior was a kind of a lie that was critically important to the success of the potential relationship, then it really isn't a smart idea to start a relationship with a person who lacks the wisdom to be honest enough ... notice I do say enough not perfectly ... to build a relationship. Again, this kind of advice hasn't been offered to people who have a relationship to "work on" but people who have just identified something that is a deal breaker before anything starts. This is especially true for this kind of issue. In too many cases "work on" with a liar means being stupid enough to allow yourself to be duped again.. and again.
"He doesnt' text/email/phone everyday anymore: leave him"
gosh, another thread I have missed ... thank goodness. Obviously, I need to see more of the thread, cause I am willing to be if anybody said "leave him" then a lot of the pertinent details have been left out.
Actually, I was discussing this very topic the other day with some friends. The issue of "for better or worse" and "you've made your bed your bed, lie in it" came up. Personally, when I make a bed and the bed is a disaster - especially if I make it on a bad mattress - I don't continue to lie in it. If the mattress is bad I buy a new mattress and make a new bed.
"For better or worse" doesn't mean the worst we can do to each other, but the worst of challenges life hands us we pull together and make it through together. The 3 prongs of the relationship - you, me and us. If you are attempting to destroy me with faithlessness or lies then us has been destoyed and we are not pulling together to meet life's challenges.
Gandi | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 3:51:13 PM | Hey gandi, as for the rubbing her P*ssy thread, nope. The gist of her post was that during mish she wasn't getting off so she reached down and he swatted her hand away. That is it in a nutshell.
The overwhelming response was he's a cad a goof a lousy lover, leave him now.....I was the only one that chipped in: hey, I DOUBT he swatted her hand, he may have pushed it aside.....but nooooo no one would hear of that!
The he didn't tell me about his past: He had a criminal record. WHich in and of itself isn't that big of a deal depending on what it was. I mean, you can get a criminal record for stealing a loaf of bread and the OP never went into detail as to what his record was. Her response was: I am too good for you!
As for your making your bed analogy: see, that's the point. If you like the bed enough to make it in the first place. Just because you made it, and it didn't turn out to be perfect, how about straightening the corners, pulling the fitted sheet tight, fluffing the pillows? That would be a lot easier than going out and building a new frame, finding the right mattress, buying new sheets, pillow cases, pillows duvet.......least, that's the way I look at it. Kind of like: You buy a 2008 covette ZR 6. You drive it for a month. YOu run over a nail and get a flat. Do you throw out the car or fix the flat? Here? You throw out the car...... | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:06:35 PM | I think a big part of it is that people do look at relationships as disposable, just as others have mentioned. The primary mentality these days always seems to be bigger, better, faster, you not only DESERVE better, bigger, faster, you really ought to EXPECT bigger, better, faster. If it isn't bigger, better, faster, toss it because there's always another possiblility around the corner.
It's one of the reasons I have no interest in dating or looking for someone. I'm open to it, but extremely cynical about the possibility of it ever happening and that's ok.
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:13:50 PM |
Correct me if I'm wrong though, but I was under the impression that POF was a singles site for single people to meet members of the opposite sex?
If one is in a relationship shouldn't they be on a relationship site? Asking a single person for advice on being in a relationship is kind of like asking a carpenter why the tranny in your car makes noise......
I couldn't have said it better myself.....
I think an over whelming majority of people's problems on here can be solved with ONE simple answer: did you talk to them about it?
Now here's a thought....hmmmm | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:25:24 PM | With all due respect OP...I'm starting to wonder by looking at some of your replies whether you really wanted to hear our
opinions after all, or if you merely wanted to preach yours.
And while I can certainly appreciate the fact that we are all somewhat "attached" to our own opinions, I can still appreciate and respect and learn from hearing another person's opinion without having to demonize it or make it seem that mine is somehow better than theirs.
Opinion are just that...opinions. They're not facts, and they are not based on anyone's truth except our very own. I may disagree with another person's opinion(s), but I may not dis-respect it for it is their own.
Now if someone tries to shove their opinion(s) down my throat, I'll spit it right back at them. And the same thing goes if someone tries to pass their opinion(s) as fact(s) or as "the one and only truth for all" ...eh...sorry, I don't think so.
Anyway, these are just some of *my* opinions on the opinions that *we* as posters give to the OP of each thread we post to. I figure that if an OP didn't want to hear AND respect our opinions, they wouldn't be asking for them in the first place. But that's me and to each their own.
JMO | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:37:20 PM | | I had to go to the doctor today, because I had a liver biospy last Friday, and find out the results. It wasen't the best news, it seems that I have liver cancer. I was thinking all the stupid little problems that we find so distracting in dating or in a relationship. I might not have the chance to experience. I might not ever be jealous again, or pacing back an forth! Wondering where she is, an is she really where she says she is. Or when she calls, and says "Hey I just call to tell you I love you" Just hold me now, I am not strong. Well right now " I am alone, and I don't have anyone to hold me. Yesterday I was called different, and today, I am different with cancer. If you find someone to hold on too, remember "Its the best ride in world". Pray for me! William | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:44:22 PM |
And certainly it is fine thinking like this that will always make our world a better place to live..... NOT!!!!!!
Hmm, why's that? Because I don't want to put up with BS ?
Is it better if I stay and fight for couple years and end up in the courtroom?
I live a very peaceful life. Why in the hell, would I want the trouble? One goes, the other one comes. There is no woman shortage. | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:46:49 PM | | I don't know the problem is so much that we live in a disposable society as the fact that society seems to feel this rush to be attached. So many times I hear of people getting involved and settling down with each other after a couple of months rather than really taking the time to get to know someone. Then we are surprised at the divorce rate. Maybe if we took a little longer to declare someone our one and only, then we wouldn't have so many problems. Dating has been lost and now it's just jumping from relationship to relationship. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 4:56:03 PM | Hmm, why's that? Because I don't want to put up with BS ?
Is it better if I stay and fight for couple years and end up in the courtroom?
I live a very peaceful life. Why in the hell, would I want the trouble? One goes, the otI think the Op's point was that alot of men and women bail for little reasons. And I have seen that happen.. One little misundertanding, something a 10 minute convo could fix.. and someone bails instead.
her one comes. There is no woman shortage.
I think the Op's point was that alot of men and women bail for little reasons. And I have seen that happen.. One little misundertanding, something a 10 minute convo could fix.. and someone bails instead. I agree that that kind of thing is rather childish and empty headed.. But then again, I'm just the kind of person who would rather discuss things than argue.. But I'm a firm believer in trying to work things out.. But of course, I like a peaceful too.. And I don't suggest that anyone eat crow and live with stress, conflict and BS everyday.. Certainly there is a time to work things out.. and a time to bail.. If one is to mentally lazy that they can't have a 10 or 15 minute discussion with their significant other.. Then in my thought processes, that person isn't really worth much.. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:56:12 PM | With all due respect OP...I'm starting to wonder by looking at some of your replies whether you really wanted to hear our
opinions after all, or if you merely wanted to preach yours.
With all due respect, and you are entitled to your opinion on my opinion, but I have more than a few times agreed wholeheartedly with what people have posted and specifically said things along the lines of: I never thought of that, (indicating a new idea of concept), truer words have never been spoken, thanks for the insight, you have a lot of info there, etc etc. If that is not an indication of not only reading, but learning from someone's posts then I don't know what is. In fact, I would say that is a full 180 degrees of not wanting to hear what people are posting.
Might I suggest you go back and read ALL of my responses? You might see that your opinion is wrong......
Yesterday I was called different, and today, I am different with cancer. If you find someone to hold on too, remember "Its the best ride in world". Pray for me! William
William: my heart goes out to you my friend. I know what you mean exactly having gone through some rough sh*t and not had anyone to talk about it with and or just to hang on to for a couple of minutes.
I wish you all the best and really and truly hope you overcome this terrible news.... | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:09:52 PM | I don't know the problem is so much that we live in a disposable society as the fact that society seems to feel this rush to be attached. So many times I hear of people getting involved and settling down with each other after a couple of months rather than really taking the time to get to know someone. Then we are surprised at the divorce rate. Maybe if we took a little longer to declare someone our one and only, then we wouldn't have so many problems. Dating has been lost and now it's just jumping from relationship to relationship.
This is also a huge part of the problem - people are trying to settle down yesterday - and surprise surprise, they find out they didn't know anything at all about the person they live with, are married to, etc...where's the fire?
How many threads are posted from people who go on one date or have one conversation with someone and expect that person to take themselves off the market right there and then? If they do, great, but it's better to know each other better before getting serious than it is to get serious and then try and work out major dealbreakers and different lifestyles. | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:19:15 PM | Hey UB: you know I so agree with you on so many topics but I started this thread as more of a why do people reccommend bailing in the forums as opposed to giving advice as to how to slavage what they've already built.
But I know what you mean. When I was involved (very involved) in another singles site many years ago there were constant online battles between men and women due to one or the other still chatting or corresponding with someone other than them. I mean, in many cases, they hadn't even met in person yet.
As the topics of many of the threads indicate, using the different stations thread for example, the people have already met and formed some sort of bond therefore they have a foundation with which to build upon. Now I can see if you want a thin person, and on your first date, he or she shows up weighing 280 lbs, or if you want someone in your age group and they end up being 20 yrs younger. But to automatically discount someone because say, they used the salad fork to eat an olive, well, that's ludicrous.
I hate to keep coming back to it because Yari will get upset lol, but IMO this is a perfect example of what I mean: leaving the top off the fictional tube of toothpaste. From both sides of the coin a solution can be found: either Yari puts the top back on, or they get two tubes, one for her so she can have the top on all the time, and one for yari to leave off. Why I wrote this thread was if Yari started a thread stating that his GF ****es all the time about him leaving the top off, the overwhelming majority of advice would be geared towards leaving her because she is a nagging b*tch..... | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:43:24 PM | I agree with you completely OP. Seems everyone is looking for perfection and when someone does 1 little thing they don't like it overshadows the other 100 things they do. Very sad.. that doesn't really give anyone a chance to learn anything about anyone unfortunately. It's as if they are just waiting for the excuse to NOT have a relationship.
In the olden days.. people actually looked at the little unique things about each other and called them quirks and got over it.. and worked it out. Getting to know someone takes time... take the time!! Accept that there are flaws, quirks.. don't accept abuse! | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 7:40:45 PM | I started this thread as more of a why do people reccommend bailing in the forums as opposed to giving advice as to how to slavage what they've already built.
I've been here for over a year and I have rarely seen an instance where posters simply advised the OP to bail if there was
anything in the opening post that indicated that there was something worth salvaging in a good solid relationship.
What I have seen however is people posting a thread wondering why their new boyfriend or girlfriend they met one week ago wasn't texting them like they used to or that they caught them chatting on line with someone else.
Or that they didn't like the way they talked/dressed/wore their hair/walked/kissed/ate/ laughed....etc...and what could they do
to "change" that or make it stop.
And that makes me think that perhaps the OP is so wanting or needing a companion in his or her life at the moment that he/she is trying to make that new someone *fit* in his/her life no matter what. And at all costs.
In my opinion, I feel that these people will often overlook the obvious red flags that are all over the place simply because they are lonely and in desperate need of someone...*anyone*...to fill the emptiness in their heart and in their lives.
And to those people I will continue to tell them to move on because that person they just met but who doesn't treat them right or who calls them too much or not enough, or who talks too little or too much, and who wears their hair wrong or whatever else they're trying to change or that they can't/won't accept is obviously NOT the right one for them.
There is nothing to salvage at this point because there was never anything there to begin with. The "relationship" they thought they had only existed in their mind and out of their lonely heart.
And I'm not putting lonely people down...god knows I've been lonely too and I've done some pretty foolish things in the name of loneliness. Hence the advice and opinions from someone who has literally walked in their shoes at some point in her own life and who hates to see them make the same mistake she did. No more and no less. What they do with that advice is up to them and out of my hands but I gave it my all.
And I did re-read all your posts and no, my opinion isn't "wrong"... it's simply different than yours. But that doesn't make
it "wrong", it simply makes it mine. To each their own opinion(s).
JMO
Edit:
Terrol...I'm wishing you all the very best and I'm sending you warm and healing thoughts through cyberspace...good luck to you:)
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:19:03 PM | I recently walked away from a relationship, that I had invested time, energy and effort.
not to mention relocating.
I had to leave town to attend a serious family matter, and then a family membets death, my then current SO, shut down all communication with me,,,for three weeks, because he was upset concerning something I said,,,,,later after the death of my sons father, I returned to Ohio, to be close to my sons, because this was a sudden death not one we were prepared for. And again the shut down in communication started up. My opinion is it takes two to tango. One person cant carry the entire relationship on their backs.
I agree, we walk ,,run,,,away too quickly,,,,but where there is no communication ,,,therer is no relationship
Yankeebelle | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 9:52:13 PM | And I did re-read all your posts and no, my opinion isn't "wrong"... it's simply different than yours. But that doesn't make
it "wrong", it simply makes it mine. To each their own opinion(s).
Well, since your opinion is about me specifically and personally, yes, I can say your opinion of me is "wrong" and is not based on my posts here. As I gave more than a few examples of how people have answered the original question with a view point that I hadn't thought of and acknowledged it. Therefore how can I be only wanting to preach only MY opinions if I'm open to other's?
As for my motives behind the post or me personally, please limit yourself to the topic at hand, I think that's a fair and reasonable request..........
As for Ms Belle, yes, imo that is a justifiable reason for breaking up with someone. Not that you need me to say so lol......What the gist of this thread was it seems to me that there are so many trivial reasons being tossed around as to why one should end it and the majority of posters giving advice to that effect.
As many have stated, I think I've heard enough to answer my original question 100% and that was why do people advise a breakup so readily and that is because we have become a disposible society (which does fit in with the current state of our environment). | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/9/2008 10:08:57 PM | Here's the one true answer to this thread. Blame fast food.
And no, I haven't bothered to read through all of this. But I just wanted to contribute my useless thought anyway. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:23:18 PM | why? cause they can.
dont forget we live in the fast-food generation.and its not just the way they deal with food we also deal the same way with relationships and evrything.people expect evrything to work good,work fast and if not its NEXT! i mean look at evrything in culture and stuff.our movies are not the same like they use to be.theyre quicker and bigger and thats why they make money.if someone makes a good movie that is slow and takes time to build no one will go and see it.movies move fast and are usually predictable cause thats what people want.
people theses days wants a relationship yes.but are they looking for quality not really.as long as the partner is good looking and good in bed its good enough for them all the rest doesnt matter much.u think im being negative.humm sorry this is the reality folks.not evryone but a big majority tough.
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