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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:43:08 PM | | Well I believe to the ol' "Lets work it out" the reason my marriage didn't last was he was the "leaver" things weren't perfect so he left. I realize there are those who want to work it out like me, and then there are the leavers. The leavers don't usually change, they'll always be leavers. But finding someone who actually cares to work on a relationship and have it last...well they're impossible to find these days. Keep in mind, certain things like abuse, cheating etc. are good reasons to leave but you don't leave over EVERYTHING, or a stupid little fight, or just something lame in general. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:05:24 AM | It is what I have come to call a " conveinance store society". A lot of people just don't acre to work anything out because as this site says Plenty of Fish. I beleive a lot of people have forgotton or never knew to begin with how to make and keep a commitment.
And why should they bother? Well, I don't go for the conveinance store society logic myself. I think it is to very sad people are so disposable. It is an all about me, my needs, my wants, respect me, I have rights, individualist me.!!!!
Nobody seems to know what it really means to say I promise and mean it. Words and their meanings and been dwarfed into the meaning of old. Everything is as read between the line, extra fine print, escape clause, gotcha thing.
Of course most of "us" are just called over the hill or out of date that still live and believe in the philosophies of a bygone era. You know what, that is sad for a lot of people that are just too hip, too fresh, too new way too ever even understand just what it meant to stand your ground and stand for what you believe in.
Who the Hell needs commitment-----this is a new day a new age, and apparently everyone knows a hell of a lot more than us. Relationships last longer, families are stronger, and your word is as good as.................Yeah, lets work it out. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:59:51 AM | | I look at people like my parents, or other people 50+ who have been with their spouse like 30+ years. My parents haven't always had the perfect marriage, but they always stuck it out. Same with a lot of "older" couples... I want someone who'd be willing to stick it out with me through good & bad but my chances feel slim. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 3:29:24 AM | | op trouble is trouble. it does not have to be a deadly disease to trouble a person. life is stressful. there are lots of things that bother people in life. whats your point in this thread you wrote. Are people only suppose to be troubled if they have deadly disease? as far as a person being told to bail out... well it all depends on the situation . i mean if u got somene who is gonna cheat on ya..bail out. end of story. there are alot of people who are bothered by what the partner is doing. But its apparently bothering you more than the person who is writing the thread. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:02:29 AM | I have a theory on this one....
I call it the "FedEx Priority Overnite Absolutely Have to Have It" syndrome.
Our society has become dependent on such services and things like Fed Ex. I can call someone - order a shirt say - the color, size, fabric EXACTLY as I WANT. Tell them I want it on my door step for 8:30 the next morning. I can have it MY WAY. If not, I can go to some other vendor and get it as I desire for the next morning. You can't do WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT - I will go to someone that can.
I believe that people have become accustomed to this in our lives and, I believe, have this expectation from a relationship. If it doesn't go well.... they look for the next vendor that will provide it.
Too, the younger the people involved - the more likely they are to have the trait that seems so prevalent with today's young adults - that 'entitlement' gene. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 81 | |
| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:47:53 AM | I dunno...I like to see people resolve things and have happy endings.
However...
As soon as I see things like...
- people bringing other people into relationships, lying, blatant disrespect & selfishness, commitment issues, no communication & no resolution, undermining their partner's feelings through behavior, stealing, massive drug/alcohol/gambling issues...
I say bail before you get involved or too involved.
Something like leaving the toothpaste cap off...simple solution...put it on 
I believe that people have become accustomed to this in our lives and, I believe, have this expectation from a relationship. If it doesn't go well.... they look for the next vendor that will provide it.
Too, the younger the people involved - the more likely they are to have the trait that seems so prevalent with today's young adults - that 'entitlement' gene.
Yup you're right on stevelfun...and unfortunately that kinda behavior is also indicative of older generations as well depending on their maturity.
The older and wiser will know that the next vendor is same shit, just another store.
And that the true gems are the little stalls in the corner that are few and far between. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 6:01:53 AM | Well, older generations had limitations. Women didnt have financial freedom. Sex was a taboo, and marriage was the ultimate way to sex and security. Both for men and women.
Once they got married , they did everything to make it work (mind you, not because they wanted to, but they HAD to) because of social norms etc.
Our generation dont have these limitations. Women are as independent as men. I don't have to marry someone to have sex. I don't have to take care of her financially and more importantly, we (both parties) don't have to deal with each other's crap.
The only reason we get together is because we like each other's company and we're happy together. Once it's gone, there is no reason to stick around and try to make it work.
Yari said this earlier on with the whole toothpaste comment; and I do believe that all that's happening here is that people all (or should be, sorry) take care of themselves, so therefore have the option to walk away where as years ago they didn't.
They worked things out then because they pretty much had to - NOT ALWAYS because it was the right thing to do. Men stood to lose a lot more, and women didn't have many places to go, especially with children - and even before marriage, the focus was on aquiring stability and raising a family and maintaining a household, not being happy and with someone just to be with them - so you knew there'd be problems, but for the big picture you were expected to work on (or let's face it, put up with) those things.
It seems like people are bailing easier today, but I think most are making things work where there is something there. We're just hearing a lot more about those who are in the wrong place and leave, or the (very) few that are using the new method to satisfy instant gratification. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:22:41 AM | Here are my reasons for quitting real easy !!! I have already been thru bad times and want my dating experiences to be fun, happy times. There is no reason to see someone that creates a lot of drama, or hostility ! Not all people belong together, finding someone you can share you life with is a blessing. The rest are company, and should act accordingly. You mentioned some frivilous things, but if someone feels uncomfortable because of them, it doesn't seem right to stay in the situation. If you are very desperate, and lonely then your standards could be lacking, otherwise you should expect people to treat you as well as you treat them ! | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:05:32 AM | There are behaviors that are the harbingers of doom to a relationship. If they surface early in the relationship, do you keep trying to mend the relationship knowing you can not or do you end it there before the emotional investment is too great?
While I do agree that the examples cited are petty at best, if those examples are things that you personally hold important to you then ending the relationship is the best thing to do for both involved. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:30:04 AM |
op trouble is trouble. it does not have to be a deadly disease to trouble a person. life is stressful. there are lots of things that bother people in life. whats your point in this thread you wrote. Are people only suppose to be troubled if they have deadly disease? as far as a person being told to bail out... well it all depends on the situation . i mean if u got somene who is gonna cheat on ya..bail out. end of story. there are alot of people who are bothered by what the partner is doing. But its apparently bothering you more than the person who is writing the thread.
I guess you have never heard of the saying "making a mountain out of a mole hill"?
Which IS my point exactly. If we've become so accustomed to bailing on someone for the slightest infraction (in our minds) then what does that tell us about ourselves? I think (and the overwhelming consensus of this thread) that we no longer have the ability to cope or to deal with anything.
I never once said that a serious illness is the only trouble worth worrying about, but do you REALLY think someone leaving the cap off is reason to leave? If you do, and you think that is reason enough to write a thread on, then I dare say, you will never find someone that can live up to your idea of perfection. Because people are people and I have yet to meet anyone whose poo doesn't stink, they don't sweat, burp, fart, leave their socks on the floor, always says the right thing and has ESP to know what she is thinking 24/7.
Anyhow, I asked my question, and rec'd many answers. Thanks for all that responded!! I mean it....... | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:35:48 AM | OP,
Before the earth's crust cooled, (30-40 years ago,sounds a lot better than saying "in the old days" or "when I was your age") Things had more basic value, and were repairable. Take Zippo lighters, for instance. You paid a lot of money for one, but if it didn't work,you would add lighter fluid, or replace the flint,or wick, and stick that lighter back in your pocket and keep it. Disposing of it never even came to mind. Along came Bic disposables,69 cents,
hundreds of lights,you could see the fluid running low, and the second it runs out of gas,it's history. We've become a disposable society, as every aspect of americana has followed the
Bic lighter. Now people feel relationships are disposable,too. Well, I blame the Bic lighter.
Strangely enough, disreputable car dealers actually have been known to put sawdust into a dying tranny to muffle it's groans and dupe some poor rube. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:56:09 AM | In a marriage, I think it's both parties' responsibility to hang in there and try to work it out. But as a wise man told me, it takes two parties to make it work. If one is just fine with dropping the ball on improvement, then the relationship is stuck in the mud.
As far as non-marriage relationships (those, I am more experienced in), I've seen the ones that 'stick it out', and too often, it's a pretty crappy relationship, and one party is usually the one getting shafted, the other reaping all the rewards of coupledom. Statistically, most of your relationships go down the drain. It makes sense that the answer in most cases is to break up. There were several relationships I stuck to out of sheer tenacity, and they weren't worth a minute's thought in the end.
Where there's a will, there is a way, but you can't make anyone else have a will. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 11:13:55 AM | > and the second it runs out of gas, it's history.
My dad used to tell a story about some Indians in Oklahoma who had oil discovered on their land back in the boom days which made them instantly very rich. They'd go out and buy a car, and when it ran out of "push water" they'd leave it by the side of the road and go buy another one because they didn't know about filling stations. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 12:29:28 PM | Alexis,
I agree with the gist of your post, but have to mention that some couples look at things a little more creatively, and easily make it work .I must admit(amd? never!) that couples who've reached a point of disillusionment have little hope.
OP- You can probably fix that lighter yourself (if you're handy)for less than the cost of postage. I'm into wooden matches,nowadays, myself.
Life of leisure,can you imagine the furor which would have erupted if The Beverly Hillbillies had been portrayed as Native Americans?(and is lol your initials on purpose?) | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:12:32 PM | I've been reading the responses. It seems what a lot of people are getting at is the idea of polarizing relationships. Basically that freedom of communication and mobility has opened up avenues of getting their social needs met in somewhat new ways. Some people generally look for a shallow quantity approach to meeting their needs via relationships specifically designed to meet a specific need; FWB, NSA, Fbuddy, Friend, social sibling, basically having a stable of people that meet their needs individually, as they occur.
Whereas others approach it in an attempt to find one person to satisfy their every need, or at least the majority of them, and is respondent to constant change,.
Kind of like department stores, some shop at Wal-Mart while others shop at Nordstrom's, the mitigating factor is the amount of currency (in relationships it is usually maturity, self knowledge, strength of character, beliefs, etc..) you have at your disposal and how long you have to (interactively) shop. Even though both result in a similar "commodity" one is inherently perceived as having more value due to social perceptions, how it reflects on the individual, and the "product" itself.
I am wondering if the problem stems from a declining relationship middle class where relationships were basically entered into, worked on, worked out, where the rule was slightly more needs were met than not, simply because there weren't a significant amount of better options. At one point communities only had one store they shopped at that had to be more responsive to the needs of the community rather than competition from other stores.
That's what I see in the discussion. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 1:27:39 PM | | I remember the threads you mentioned and most people advised the person to discuss the matter with her partner. In fact communicating is the most common advice given here.I have only seeing run or bail when cheating, abuse , addiction or self destruction is the at the apex of the relationship. Some things cant be saved and some people are just not compatible.Communication or counseling should always be used first and then if it cant be fixed amicable separation, but this is not a perfect world and people are fallible.Some people are best off apart. | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 2:03:23 PM | It's all about taking the path of least resistance. The internet has made it too easy to meet people, people, and more people (God bless you all).
I hate to say it, but I have given up on "looking" for a relationship. If love happens my way, great, but I am not holding my breath......was that off the subject? Sorry | |
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| Hey everyone!
Posted: 5/10/2008 4:25:04 PM | "Well, since your opinion is about me specifically and personally, yes, I can say your opinion of me is "wrong" and is not based on my posts here."
I've read your posts and oldsoul's posts. I tend to agree with oldsoul. Now, how can the two of us have a different opinion of your posts than you have when they are your posts? Easy. You have a perception of yourself which is solely your perception of yourself. You can easily have a misconception of yourself. Many people do. So, that is how you both can believe the other is "wrong" We may have a misconception of "you" but we are expressing our perceptions of the words written in the posts and the attitudes we are picking up from them.
I find your opening post to have been a sweeping generality which has not applied to me in my replies to posts. There are times when I have recommended that people seriously question the wisdom of the new relationship they are considering ... which is any relationship within the first years, especially if it is prior to a wedding ceremony and/or children.
The attitude I pick up from your posts is that people have to commit forever right away and "work through things" with every person they even consider starting to have a relationship with. I need to be able to start a relationship without fully being committed to it for life to some extent (a marraige and/or children). I need that time when I am discovering whether I want a long term relationship with someone. The kind of relationship with enough committment that I would - and have - stayed to "work it through."
If people are talking about "relationships" on a dating site, then it is reasonable to consider that they are either talking about one they have ended, are ready to end, or it is in an early stage of development and is already going sour and it hasn't really started to be at a stage of "work it through." That's what the posters are saying about "red flags."
As to the criminal record issue, I didn't see the post you are referring to. However, given that I work in the addiction community I am well aware of the differences and varieties of contact people have with the legal system. Given the percentage of the population that has spent at least a few hours as the guests of our legal system, it will soon be rather hard for people to find anyone who hasn't been a guest or at least had a family member who hasn't been a guest. Yet, I have also seen people who would not stop to consider what the record might be and consider any criminal record a deal breaker. I respect their right to their boundaries.
So, dropping the sweeping generality and addressing why some - not all or even many - might suggest ending whatever they have started as the first suggestion is that the 'red flag' they saw in the post is a deal breaker for them - a boundary breaker. They think they would not stay if they were in the situation. They may even have been in the situation and wished they had left sooner than they did. And, if they ever are in the situation they may find that "leave" is a lot easier to say than to do.
So, some might consider that the bed hasn't even been made yet to lie in it ... and are suggesting not to buy the mattress or finish making the bed.
Gandi | |
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| why is everyone's first response to relationship trouble is to RUN/BAIL/LEAVE?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:44:49 PM | I was looking for a reply that reflects my take:
((As far as healthy communication goes, if it existed would people really be reaching out to strangers online to solve their problems?))
Yeah, no kidding. Like the Op said, so many of the people on these forums are numb nutz. they can't deal with relationships, have lousy communication, and ask stupid questions. And then they wonder why OTHER people have problems.
HOW ABOUT WE TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS!? Don't worry about other people. Me? Well, uh, I don't have any problems.... | |
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