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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:20:18 AM | Well, daobe, i think you have hit the nail on the head. You are right, most people on POF are only here to chat and be friends to wile away the lonely hours talking and visiting with "FRIENDS" we have made. It makes life go by a little easier to understand that you are not out there alone. Thank you for your comments in this forum, it has truly been a pleasure to know you and others like you understand. Have a great day! | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:46:16 AM |
It means the girl looked at my pictures or my profile went WTF? And delete.
It means nothing of the sort. You are projecting your imagination onto someone else without having a clue why it was deleted. There is no telling what any of those women were thinking. Maybe they just met their dream guy. Maybe they were feeling depressed over who knows what. Maybe they didn't feel like there were any common interests or the distance was too much. Maybe she felt overwhelmed with too many emails & deleted a bunch of them at once. Maybe you look too much like someone they have issues with. The list could go on & on. Stop projecting & realize that you have no idea what anyone else is thinking. None of us do. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:59:30 AM | msg42: Theonethatgotaway
I'm often asked by women I correspond with on here, "Why are so many people so rude on online dating sites?" and I tell them, "Because they can be. It's easy to be rude here, and there are no repercussions."
The only repercussions I have had is that when I do send a polite reply that I'm not interested, I get nasty emails back. Sometimes it's not just one nasty email either. Needless to say, I block those people after the 2nd nasty email, but I ceased what you call rude behaviour. You may be nice about the thanks, but no thanks responses, but not everyone is. It goes back to the definition of insanity to me, "Doing the same thing repeatedly & expecting a different result." I was writing very emapthetic & considerate replies, so don't think my writing skills or attitude were lacking. I made a point to write in a manner that would be acceptable to me if I were on the recieving end of it. I would love to feel like it was OK to respond to the men who have contacted me, but it's not OK to set myself up for abuse. You say there are no repercussions??? You're right about that part,mostly. There aren't repercussions for the ones sending out nasty emails. I don't see anybody bashing those guys (male or female). Why isn't anyone ragging on those people about being rude? Now there's a good idea for a thread! Why is it OK with you for those people to be rude & those of us who have become protective are such terrible mannerless people? | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:01:59 AM | Someone could also ask why you give a rat's butt that other people are upset when people fail to respond to them. If you don't want to read the thread or their profile if they choose to include a remark of this type, move along. Tis life...get over it.
People have a tendency for this to irritate them more when they first put up an account because they have not figured out that it doesn't really matter if people respond. Some will, some won't, and it is nearly impossible to determine from a profile, even those that indicate they will respond to any and all e-mails, whether someone will return one.
People may tie the whole thing to rejection but for most, I think they get upset because it is a matter of courtesy and despite the impersonal nature of computer-based communication, they still have feelings and feel slighted or rejected when someone chooses to ignore their e-mail. Whether someone allows this type of situation to bother them gives people another kernel of information about the type of person they are; fretting over things beyond one's control.
Also to Message 42, it is a lifestyle choice, one that I work on. I don't like rude people, and I don't like the dregs of society I must deal with at stores that have not been taught the basics of working in a service industry. I will make a complaint depending on the circumstances but allowing the rude treatment or the idiocy to irritate me only detracts from my day. So I am working on eliminating the thoughts that lead to a string of explitives springing forcefully from my mouth when I am forced to drive alongside or behind people whose licenses were obtained in a Cracker Jacks box....
Most people that are rude reap what they sow. It is really their problem and the best thing you can do for yourself is ignore them and remember that failing to at least show the courtesy of a return e-mail is their loss. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 8:39:59 AM | I'm also one who wonders how anyone can get worked up over, or take a polite "I'm not interested, but thank you for writing" as a personal slight against their character, or their person in it's entirety.
I understand that everyone is at different stages in their lives and sometimes certain experiences bring out things that don't define them as a person all the time (like getting worked up over a polite no thanks from a random person on the net), but really .. not everyone will like us and vice versa; not here and not in the real world.
Rejection isn't pleasant, but it is not the end all of everything. When people over-react and take it personally (how can it be personal? the internet is not personal until we remove ourselves from it) I wonder what they do in real life situations? How do they take rejection in other aspects of their lives? In job interviews? In face-to-face dating? At their work-place pitching a client or asking for a raise? Will a 'sorry, you're not the one' make them give up and define themselves because of what they hear from others?
Will they write hate mail, threaten, or cause themselves harm? Will they resignedly think they suck and aren't worthy, never to try again? Or will they know this too shall pass and make the best of it by doing something useful for themselves?
The world owes us nothing, in my opinion. Instead it opens up a myriad of possibilities, which in themselves are gifts if we are willing to open our eyes and see them. Rejections of any sort, for me, are opportunities not yet discovered rather than dismissals of me as a person.
As many have said already, to get so upset over a dating site seems odd. People that do so leave me wondering how they handle the bigger problems in life, and also how strong their sense of 'self' is when it is threatened by a mere "thank you but I'm not interested" extended by a stranger who knows nothing tangible about them. And even by a read/unread/delete .. Should strangers have such a great power over your sense of worth? It would be a shame if this were true because it would definitely make life bleak.
peace | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:15:45 AM |
Seriously....they're total strangers....you're a total stranger.....so what is the loss if nobody responds to you? They're people who you don't know from Adam.
Well, not really. People have chosen to release some information about themselves to offer up an identity. This is what creates the interest.
Unfortunately, it is necessary to take some leaps of faith on what that true identity is.
By the time a male has crafted and sent the message he is no longer typically dealing with the person he is addressing. He has now projected that person from a real state to an imaginary state in his own mind. This is a future state of non reality necessary to get to the commit phase. This is actually a necessary function to enable choice making.
The problem occurs a lot here because a lot of people are not really used to dating, so the future state isn't the next email or a phone call or a coffee. It is weeks or months from now. It takes a while for men, to adjust their thinking so they do not escalate to far ahead. It is a very common thing for males to do this is a lot of areas.
Anyway, the lag time between contact is also a factor. By the time the male receives the not interested indicator, he has already created this fictional women in his mind who is of course PERFECT for him. HOW can she NOT be interested in such a perfect match.
The women of course is making a quick decision so she is definitely not escalating.
This problem occurs in reverse as well ... so this really isn't a male thing ... but it is slightly different from the womans perspective in how they deal with rejection.
Same holds true for dating in the real world. It is simply a matter of people readjusted / calibrating expectations sets .... managing expectations. You adjust once you get used to it.
As you say most folks are only attracted to 1-5% (closer to 1 really) inside this realm. This is of course because people for the most part a essentially sensory blind in this container. That is the real problem. You cannot avoid that, unless you are willing to take more chances on who you decide to meet ... but you do not have sufficient information to make a sound judgment on that basis anyway.
Outside of here most people would be attracted to at least 30% of the same people eho are here. That would necessarily be the case otherwise the species would die of ... so that number is probably higher than 30% for sure.
There are buttloads of trivial psychology "happenings" here that dictate unless you define your own personal goal seeking behavior/algorithm you will be nothing but frustrated here. A random approach guarantees frustration, unless you decide your indifferent regarding outcome. (that;s shows itself in all the crappy one line emails, which for the most part are ineffective).
It gets worse, even if you did define a specific goal seeking algorithm for yourself, you will only find people who are good matches for you, if and only if, they have selected the same goal seeking algorithm.
Folks ... it is a bar/club at best. A long shot. Treat it that way. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:14:51 AM |
I'm also one who wonders how anyone can get worked up over, or take a polite "I'm not interested, but thank you for writing" as a personal slight against their character, or their person in it's entirety.
I think the biggest issue isn't the rejection, but the constant repeated rejection is what gets most people.
What happens when you run out of fish? No more pot lids?
It's hard to not take that personal on some level. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:34:52 AM | It's hard to not take that personal on some level.
Life isn't always easy. Question is, since it goes on, what do you decide to do with it?
I can only speak for myself when I say that how other people perceive me is only important to me sometimes and dependant solely on the type of relationship we have. And even then, it is not their job to fix any negative emotions I may have that come as a direct result of a rejection. Only I would be able to do that. I can't make someone like me nor would I want to. They rejected me for reasons they deem valid, why would I cling to that or get upset or disrespect it? For all I know they may be doing both of us a favour, for whatever reason. Maybe it gave me a chance to re-evaluate my situation and things about myself that I hadn't addressed before and by doing so revealed an opportunity for change I otherwise would not have thought about making.
I remember my most painful rejection (in a series of many) caused me to throw caution to the winds, pack up and move abroad. That's where I met my husband of ten years. I thank that ex to this day for that rejection because it led to some of the best years of my life.
It's up to you to decide whether to take rejection personally or not. You have to live with how you feel, they do not. Have I let a date or a potential date have power over my feelings and sense of self-worth simply because they didn't reciprocate interest? Hell, no. I'm not a masochist. So you feel crappy for a while, but that feeling goes away eventually, and life continues just fine, if you let it. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:17:06 AM | Well, one other thing you have to keep in mind too is that POF and likewise websites are NOT the be all and end all of the dating world.
In a lot of ways it can be the same as a job hunt....most people don't get jobs through sites like workopolis and what have you....they get it by networking.
This isn't to say that POF is entirely useless....no doubt there have been really good success stories on here. All I'm saying is that it's a tool....it will help some people, others not so much. | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:43:07 AM | Unless a message is extremely rude, I feel it is only common courtesy to respond.
This may be politely informing the sender of my feeling that their proposal is not of interest to me, or engaging them in further communication if they are of interest .
This procedure has served me very well on this site, providing me with several very interesting "cyber friends" from near and far, as well as many hours of entertainment.
Should the time come that a "special someone" appears, that will be a bonus, but selection is important as illustrated by the poster who mentioned all the unhappy relationships out there.
We all know a lot of people, and really enjoy the company of only a few, and this site is no different from that. We don't know until we greet and exchange basic info. | |
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| proper comparisons
Posted: 5/17/2008 1:54:51 PM | | "Like a flitting sparrow that doesn't land, is a curse that is undeserved" Proverbs | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:06:41 AM | Funny, I never feel any rejection. It's a numbers game. If I get a rejection, I just send a note back THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY, JAMES.
The only thing that bothers me is the one that agrees to meet for a soft drink or coffee (I quit buying lunch or dinner on the first meeting) shows up twenty to fifty pounds over weight when their profile said thin or average. One lady with a very pretty face (that's all I could see in the picture) showed up at 5 foot 1 in. and 190 plus pounds. She felt she was AVERAGE. This in my opinion has gotten so bad I am thinking of joining something like Great Expectation.
Kind regards
James | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:19:21 AM |
Seriously....they're total strangers....you're a total stranger.....so what is the loss if nobody responds to you? They're people who you don't know from Adam.
The plain and simple truth is this....most folks probably aren't attracted to 95-99% of the people they see on here anyway, or maybe they're not even serious about looking here in the first place. So why take it all so personal?
Because most people I know are human beings. Repeated rejection, especially in the form of being ignored, takes its toll on self-esteem, regardless of all the "get over it" speeches one hears. And, it's been said thousands of times, but it (obviously) bears repeating: one's physical attractiveness should have no bearing on humane treatment.
People need to stop taking it all on themselves if they have little to no success on this site....it's only a site.....
I completely agree. When it gets overwhelming, I find it a good thing to push *away* from the 'puter and get back IRL for a time.
Computers make great servants, but very poor masters.
Arlo | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:57:50 AM | I tend to have to agree with Daobe's Message number 8 in this forum. I send off emails to women whom I find interesting. I basically say hello and let them know I am there.
I have no problem with someone telling me they are not interested.
Sure there are 60,000 online at a time, heck there’s millions in our cities and thousands in our towns. Yet there if you say hello to a person on the street, 99% of the time you get a hello back. (New York excluded)
I respond to every email I get out of respect for the person who has said hello to me.
This is what it is all about RESPECT. When did we stop having that for each other?
Call me nieve, call me unrealistic or just call me Canadian. I will not disrespect anyone.
Ron | |
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| Here's something that NEEDS to be said.....why do people care if nobody responds to them or not?
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:37:46 AM | OneThatGotAway........ if someone takes the 'time and trouble' to message someone, they haven't done that out of the goodness of their hearts, they are NOT doing the recipient a 'favour'! They have done it for their own purpose.....because interest from the recipient, MIGHT be reciprocated.
The recipient owes them nothing.
As other people have said, there are lots of reasons why someone doesn't respond.
I've been fortunate on 'this' site in that I haven't had any abusive responses when I have told the sender that I'm not interested, but not so on some other sites, so can understand why women don't respond for this reason.
I'll admit that I don't now respond to everyone, especially if they clearly haven't even bothered to read the profile. I specifically say that I won't respond to 'text' speak, so when I get a 'text' type message, I don't even TRY to decipher it!
I have a few things that I REALLY find a turn off (that I mention in my profile), tattoos being one of them, so if I look at the pictures of man who's body wouldn't look out of place in an Art gallery, then no, I won't respond. People message saying that they would like to get to know me.........well there's enough to be going on with in my write up...........that would be a good place to start.
I actually DON'T spend a lot of time on line, and maybe I'm in the minority, but I actually AM looking to meet someone, so when I do log on, I want to use that time wisely by looking at profiles of people who ARE of interest to me, not wasting it writing responses to those that aren't.
As for saying that one wouldn't acknowlede someone who said 'Hi' at a party.........no, I wouldn't, BUT I would subtly let them know that I'm not interested in striking up a conversation with them.
Maybe, just maybe, in some cases people could save themselves going to all that 'time and trouble' as you say, just by reading the profile! | |
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