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| sad and lonely, or even a stalker.
Posted: 8/1/2008 7:15:29 AM | THIS IS A SERIOUS TOPIC DOMESTIC abuse is on the rise and women & children are being killed frequently..I HIGHLY RECOMMEND A RESTRAINING ORDER IF U DON'T ALREADY HAVE ONE..and even then..u just never know.. JUST taking care of urself may not be enough..ANYBODY FEELING THE NEED TO BE 'OFF THE CUFF' OR REMOTELY CRUEL TO ANYONE ON THIS TOPIC should not only be ashamed,but reported I'M JUST SAYING! | |
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MCX151
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Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 227 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 7:15:37 AM | It's called Co-Dependency and chances are your parents or a person you looked up too had that trait as well.
It's interesting that a sub-conscious mind sends out signals to others ... Kinda like a reflection in a mirror ... We attract what we are thinking and want to happen. You know the old saying careful what you wish for? Well, low self esteem, not loving yourself, attracts the same losers in your life sadly. We attract like minded people and it really is how you view your ownself and your values.
The mind is a very POWERFUL! Think you will lose that chess game? Well, guess what? Your half way there (to losing)! Just by thinking -- "this always" happens to me... Your setting yourself up for success or failure. If you changed your mind and thought to yourself - "Today I'm going to attract the perfect relationship in my life" ... Well, you might think it can't be that simple ... But, It is!
You know the old saying we all make our own bed in life and well, that may be true sometimes seeking out professional help might be worth it to you to do so.
Good  Luck! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 8:32:32 AM | aurielle,
I think perhaps it is because your self esteem is damaged. If you don't think much of yourself you will attract the wrong type of person, he can identify your weakness and walk all over you or treat you badly. If you can forgive yourself for letting others walk on you and then develop your self esteem to where you really like yourself and have a healthy ego you will attract a much better man. Also set higher standards for yourself, if you date someone and they don't treat you right then never see them again, not ever. I think the most important thing for me when dating is how good a man treats me, if he isn't a gentleman then I would never see him again, as simple as that. I recently had a date with a guy and it was around lunchtime, first he called to tell me he would be 30 mins late, that pissed me off, then he was too cheap to buy me something to eat and had the waiter take the menu's away, that pissed me off, he brought me a soda, then we left the rest and he didn't even walk me to my truck, he was not a
gentlemen so I will never see him again, period. Plus I drove halfway to meet him, never again, from now on the men can drive to my town. Start thinking better of yourself and you will attract the right man and do not settle, better to be alone than with a mean person. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 10:10:30 PM | | Women are subconsciously drawn to males who demonstrate characteristics of alpha males. Alpha males can treat others any way they want. Alpha males don't care what other people think of them. Alpha males are less concerned with other people's happiness than their own. Alpha males lead, they don't follow. Ever. See any similar traits to the 'Bad boys' in your lives? I could go on, but I think you get the idea. It's like flies drawn to a flame; unless you really think about it, and concentrate, you can't help yourself. You feel the attraction, and go with the feeling, trying to rationalize it later but by that time it's too late. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 10:15:34 PM | "Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back? "
Because WOMEN are STUPID.
That's about all I can figure...
p.s., plenty of men abused emotionally in relationships don't leave, either.... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 10:28:56 PM | well . I suppose we do go back because we know . somewhere inside there is good, They did not start out obusing you , they started out kind , sweet and all them fine things and even got us to believe they loved us .
they change or better their real personality come out , eventualy , but we know they can be different .
so here we are in love , so deep to the point where we believe there is not return ,. and we believe in our heart that we will be able to change them , that our love will make the difference .
sweety . trust me it wont make a diff. they are selffish self centered people . no matter what you will do they will never change , unfortunaly it will take time and you you have to get away from this .
the best I can tell you , do it quick and fast , stand your woman and do all you can to not go back .
it will hurt , it will hurt like hell , but you have to understand you can do this , yes its hard but you can ..
I wish you the best and good luck fishing . just remember there is life after all this .... obuse is not a part of love
good luck
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 10:55:49 PM | We go back until we wake up one day and realize that the only person we are responsible for is yourself. We go back until we realize that things are hopeless, they will not change but only get worse, and that we deserve better. That is the day we make up our minds to leave our past behind us, to get help if we need it to make a better life for ourself, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment.
Living alone is a thousand times better than living with an abuser, whether it's verbal, emotional, physical, whatever. The only thing we all have in common is time, one day spent being unhappy because of someone else, is a day wasted that you will never get back, so once you make up your mind that you will be better off without the bullshit, get out, look ahead and never, ever look back.
Been there, done that! 
Pink | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/1/2008 11:08:26 PM | pink .
i totaly agree with you there .
sweety you have to be the one ready for a change , nobody can do that for you .
YOU are the one that has to say " stop I am better then this ..
ones you are at that point everything else will fall into place and you will learn to be on your own and see " man , life is awsom"
there are support groups out there or even your church . they all willing to help. but you are the one that has to be ready . you have to say . " enough bull shooot , I WANT and NEED to get oout of this . ones you got this you will do it and you can .
you will hold you head up high and walk your way ... I hope you will find this point soon. You NEED to | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/2/2008 9:46:03 PM | | I just saw your post and I can understand where you are coming from. Just two days ago, I had to have my boyfriend thrown in jail for abuse. My heart sank when he was arrested and now is living in the streets. I wanted so much to take him back as I truly love him, but I know I can't. I have to protect myself. He belittled me, hit me, swore at me, and just didn't respect me. I have alot of healing to do. He is an alcoholic and he is very sick which is why I feel for him, but there is no way I can take him back. He even called today to apologize and told me he still cares for me, but I stood my ground and told him it is too late. He was living with me and I still have all his property here so I have a reminder of him everyday. All, I can suggest for you is to get counseling; and talk to friends, family, etc. If you can't find perspective, they all can help you. I have a card the police gave me and I am going for counseling and have shared my feelings with friends & family. It's going to be a hard to get over this, but I have to believe one day I will stop feeling the heartbreak. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:03:01 PM | | hi my name is kathy to i,v just read your posting can,t seem to type properly as i can,t stop crying i have just been left by my mentally and physically abusive husband for a person who is a local wh... and renounded for her behaveour and just moved in with her not 300 yards from our family home where he has been visiting for years again sorry can,t stop crying | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:04:42 PM | | hi my name is kathy to i,v just read your posting can,t seem to type properly as i can,t stop crying i have just been left by my mentally and physically abusive husband for a person who is a local wh... and renounded for her behaveour and just moved in with her not 300 yards from our family home where he has been visiting for years again sorry can,t stop crying p.s how do i keep in touch with you if thats ok | |
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udara
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Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 237 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:09:29 PM | | I figure different people have different reasons. Some believe they can help the abuser 'be better' (bullshit by the way) and others just don't want to be alone and don't believe they can do better. It's a weakness in the abuser that makes them hurt you. But it is a weakness in you that makes you stay. You need to figure out why you do it and only then will you be able to break out of that cycle. People only treat you as badly as you let them. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/3/2008 2:58:23 PM | | I can only tell you my story, part of it anyway. I was married to a very abusive man. I left him. He wrote letters of such beauty you wouldn't believe he had a mean bone in his body. He told me he was seeing a counselor,even gave me his phone #. I called him and yes he was being seen. Fool that I was I went back to him. It was even worse. Now I was accused of sleeping with the counselor. One day I looked in the mirror, and said.Where are you? what happened to that brave,spunky,laughing girl you used to be? I wanted her back, I liked her and I did not like this stranger I saw staring back at me. I had to run while he was working,there was no other way. I was terrified of him so I left while he was at work. I look back and its hard for me to say how I ended up with such a man. I should have seen the signs but I chose to be blind. My eyes are wide open now and I found my brave, laughing.girl. I will never lose her again,she is my best friend. Love yourself . | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:37:35 PM |
aurielle: "Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?"
Because he was a jerk when you met him but after talking to him for a bit he started acting nice. You were attracted to his power and you somehow got the sense that it was you who turned him from jerk to nice guy, that you had some power over him. You're a lion-tamer. You enjoy the sense that you can tame the wild beast or somehow change him from his default nature.
But this is of course ridiculous. You can't really change anyone. The only thing you can really control is your proximity to him. I'd suggest you maximize that.
No matter what good things he brings to you it's not worth the bad things. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 8/8/2008 9:51:09 AM |
Low self esteem, and the fact that most abusers will convince their victims that they can't do better, that nobody else would want them.
yep, mine tried to convince me I couldn't do any better...he said he thought if anything happened that things didn't work out between us that I'd stay at my parents house forever and never even get out or do anything or have any friends, etc....it's quite the opposite actually. I couldn't have any friends when I was with HIM because he wouldn't let me...and couldn't do anything else I wanted to do either, including seeing my family. And he also thought he was "soooo much better looking than me"....he said he was sure he could find somebody better looking than me, so I said "Well why didn't you marry somebody else then?"  Dumbass! Truth is no one will have him, if they know what his true personality is like...when you first meet him he seems sweet, and he's a fairly good looking guy. But when you live with him you see how UGLY he really is. Him & his sister might as well go get married because they're both abusive morons who will never find anyone else who will be able to live with them!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2008 12:10:56 AM | | Hey sweetie, I just lived through it. the man of man dreams had an underlining mental illness that just took control of him one day, then he got violent. men and woman who use hitting as a control factor are in need of help and you cant help them. There are signs, watch for them and be safe. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:52:35 AM | I don't hardly ever read the Forms until i came up on yours.My ex husband used to abuse me alot I Married him when i was only 16 so i knew it all.At first when he stared hitting on me heck i thought that was how life was cause i had seen my dad abuse my mom an my step mom.But one day i woke up an thought heck iam not his punching bag so i went to walmarts an boought him one an told him to bet on it an not me.He started back abusin me again so i waited for him to pass out then i sewed him up in a bed sheet an gave him back what he had been given me.Then i packed my bags an was gone before he awake.An the next time i seen him i promise he didn't hit me again an thats been over 20 yrs ago. I had to learn to love myself again. i promise myself that i would never go with another man that would abuse me.
Good luck with everything an we love you an please stand up for yourself an be strong
Cause i believe there or good man out there in the world just keep your gaurd up | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:10:50 AM | | These men can start off very charming and represent excitement and passion. They are master manipulators. They seem to have a radar they use to find women who will stay with them. They will find women lacking in self esteem and build you up till your hooked, then BAMM!, the control will start. You forgive because you fell in love with the illusion of a man who seemed like fun till the abuse started. Get a journal and write down every horrible thing he ever did or say so when "amnesia" sets in and you miss the fun times, you read it, remember how rottten that incident felt and that should take care of you till the "amnesia" hits again. Write poems, express your feelings in that book, dont stop till to get to a point where you dont even hate him anymore. Hate to me is not the opposite of love, ambivalence is. When your ambivalent you dont even care anymore. When you have gotten to this point and asked yourself, "why do i attract these guys" and figured out the reason, you should be ready for a healthy relationship. Always watch to see if their words and actions match. Anyone can say "im a great guy" but if he comes on too strong in the beginning or has road rage or a bad attitude about women you should smell trouble and run fast, dont make excuses. I know from experience. I was with an alcoholic 3 years so my BS meter is now very strong. I dont make excuses for anyone's rotten behavior for any reason and you shouldnt either. Work on yourself, be alone and when your strong you will find what you deserve. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:16:06 AM | Hi it's because we keep thinking we can change him. It's a power/control cycle and until we learn to love oneself we keep going back. An abused woman will return to her abuser on an averge of 7 times before we realize tis is it. And each time the abuse gets just a little more worse than the last time. You need to stand steadfast and learn to love yourself and realize you deserve better than he has given you. Be strong my friend for you are a special person.  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:35:50 AM | It is not hard to distinguish between good men and abusers. On some level women know the difference, they just choose, for whatever reasons, to ignore the warning signs
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For many women who allow themselves to be in abusive relationships it is a subconscious attempt to work out childhood issues, looking for resolution they could not get then and for some it is a matter of self-esteem. That again often stems from things that happened in someone's past.
Some women are culturally conditioned to be submissive to a man and that is another kettle of fish but it does not sound like you fit in that category.
Others are addicted to the drama that comes from a relationship that is constantly in a state of chaos. A "good" man who wants to provide a safe, stable environment for such women can often times be perceived as boring and lacking in charisma.
In the end, it has little to do with the man in question and everything to do with the woman who allows herself to be treated this way.
Figure out what it is inside yourself that drives you into the arms of such men and you will find the solution you are seeking because in the end, the man is irrelevant if you keep repeating the same pattern with other men. The answer lies with you. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:26:45 PM | | Ron I spent years with a women I thought was my soulmate we dispite an age difference , different backgrounds we seemed so insinc after 9years she told me it wasn't working for her anymore . I never hit or shook her lied or mis treated her . she had one major flaw a nasty wit that she aimed at me. after my marrage ended I dated an old coworker we really connected on several levels . but her oldest boy was a lazy bratt and ultimatly drove a wedge between us . we are still friends this women and I she will always hold a piece of my heart dispite this fact we will never be anything more then friends AND like the song goes learning to live again is killing me . go to a hospital see a shrink get help and get on with your life it's the only way you will servive this . I attempted suicide twice, not for your reason but for my own that are far to personal to gointo here. I hope you read this and start to heal I am and thats why I am on this site hoping to meet someone and start to live again. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/16/2009 5:39:42 PM | | i think part of it is because we actually think they will change or we want to believe they will change. people pretty much show you who they are up front we just ignore the signals for some reason... look at your relationships that have gone wrong and figure out why they went wrong or why you go for a particular type of guy...you have to figure that out first before you can change it and then you have to step out of your comfort zone onto someone more deserving of you...i was told once to ask a guy about his parent's and what their relationship is like and you will then have an idea of what type of guy you are dealing with.. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/17/2009 5:39:43 PM | | women who stay with or go back to abusive men are stupid and deserve what they get because that seems to be what they want, and even when they find a man who treats them well they will most always leave him and go back to an abuser because deep inside they enjoy getting treated like crap......stupid girl | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 7:19:18 AM | OP,
Because your image of yourself is not positive. You must have boundaries that will not accept abusive behavior. One hint of it and the abuser should be history. If you project the aura of a victim, you will attract abusive men. On the other hand, if you project a strong, confident ,well-integrated self image, you will attract confident, well-integrated men. Abusers are cowards.
That's what you have to do. I have no idea how you might implement the plan. Perhaps a trusted friend could recommend a personal counselor.
All blessings! | |
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