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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 3:42:22 PM | | sweetheart u have 2 find the strength within urself 4 once u do that ur the winner u should never let them think they have broke u in any way never let them see u shed a tear and always hold ur head high!! we go 4 the wrong men cause we think we can change them made all the bad stuff disapper but it dosnt u just get an even closer look at the bad points!! its just lifes wee learning curves so when we met the rigth 1 which u wil u have the strength and resept 4 urself the wil mean un wil b able 2 no urself and in turn u wil let him no were he stands and that there is a line he must never cross!! i hope this helps this is from a women how has been througth most types of abuses from my parthers and they cant keep me down!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 3:50:43 PM | | It is a state of mind, any abruse take away you and any thinking you have, not all men abruse, but the ones that do you love the most. Try not giving your heart away right away next time you meet some real nice guy give him a chance but protect your heart. He will respect you in the long. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 4:43:41 PM |
First the problem is with the abused and not the abuser. The reason is the abuser quickly recognizes his target, the abused, and immediately sets his goal to pursue her. I assuming, of course, that the abused is a woman and the abuser is a man. Also note that abuse isn't confined to heterosexual relationships. A similar dynamic occurs in homosexual ones too.
In any case, the abuser knows that he can attract more flies with honey than vinegar, so in the initial stages of the relationship, he is the perfect man. He is romantic, sweet, kind, considerate, gentle, loving, and so on. However, once he has his victim under his control emotionally, then the abuse begins. It usually begins with control issues where he begins with little things and progressively moves on until he is in charge of her entire life. The scope on his control can include her daily movements, who she has as friends or associates with, and in extreme cases total mind control!
Let's get back to the abused and why I say the problem is her's. This type of woman has two very common characteristics. The first is she has a non-assertive personality, a very common characteristic among women, and the second is she usually has a poor self image or low self esteem. Oddly enough this type of woman may even occupy a powerful position in the working world, but it is her emotional development where the problem lays.
For women who are involved in these kind of relationships, it's exceedingly dificult for them to break free of them. Even if they do, they'll likely end up in another one. In fact, women (and men too) keep repeating bad relationships because they refuse to deal with the issues of past disasters.
I think this is true, but not all victims have low self esteem or not assertive.......there are other "situational" problems.
I have a very high self esteem, and I am definitely assertive. What happened to me was believing ( after coming out of a wonderful marriage in which my husband died) that most men say what they mean and given the type of people that my husband and I associated with...........good men were the "norm"
The man that emotionally abused me for a time.....caught my attention with all of the things( fake) that my husband done honestly.
I was 18 months out from my husband's death, but still raw emotionally.
When I first got on the internet, I was getting mail at unreal amounts ( new meat, I guess).........but I was overwhelmed.
This guy came a long, wanted everything to be slow,.............because after a few emails I had told him of my vulnerability and fears. EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDED to ZERO in on me.
By the time I met him in person, after months of emails and phone calls, I was already emotionally hooked. It took me a long time to seperate the two.
He didn't even look like his picture.........I kept "overlooking" behavior I would have never even pretended to allow from my husband, my brother's, my children, or anyone.
I am not a vain person, but truth is, if I had met him in person ........I probably would not have even given him the time of day..........not good looking, very out of shape and a hat was covering his bald head in the pictures..
........butter would melt in his mouth though. Then the real person came out.......arrogant,****, unresponsible, facing bankruptcy and blaming the world for everything bad in his life!!
Finally I took a good long look at what he really was, and how I felt around him. None of it was good. It hurt like hell...because I really cared.
I went thru a lot of tears and soul searching.
Being a widow sends you reeling....I don't care who you are.........but...... that is also what finally brought me to my senses.
If a man as wonderful,loving, and nuturing as my husband loved me as much as he did.......I must have some pretty endearing qualities. That broke the "addiction " for me.
The man I am seeing now is a really good man ( cute, too).
I still think of the other man sometimes..but I pity him..........not because of our break-up..........but because he has gone thru his whole life using people and loving things, instead of using things and loving people. I honestly pray for him.....
........and sometimes I still cry for the lost of who I thought he was.
It is painful to be "had'..........but in the end...........reminds me of part of a song.................
and though he prospered long in sin.........I saw his sorrow at the end........
If you reap what you sow, I have one heckuva good man in my future!!
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 7:06:59 PM | GeminiRon...................
Excuse me..but you feel this way about a woman.to the extent that you think killing yourself to prove you love her would be an obtion.but you are a coward/ AND then you are ON HERE looking for DATING???
You need to get your stuff together in more ways than one before you involve another woman into your misery. That just AIN"T RIGHT!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:07:33 PM | In any case, the abuser knows that he can attract more flies with honey than vinegar, so in the initial stages of the relationship, he is the perfect man. He is romantic, sweet, kind, considerate, gentle, loving, and so on. However, once he has his victim under his control emotionally, then the abuse begins. It usually begins with control issues where he begins with little things and progressively moves on until he is in charge of her entire life. The scope on his control can include her daily movements, who she has as friends or associates with, and in extreme cases total mind control!
To the lady that wrote this!
Hats off and thank you very much....I experienced the same thing- and it only took about 6 weeks of solid SOUL searching to understand that the STRANGER in my mist--was truly an ABUSIVE MAN who wanted to CONTROL every hour of my day, my finances and my relationships with my family and co-workers. It is a shame that the PERFECT MALE had to disappear- he was the one, I fell for, but the real man was one that while I don't hate- I know is truly Emotionally SICK to the point where he can not perform in world- unless the SUN SHINES ONLY ON HIM...
I think of that 6 months period of time as **** Life Learning******
I would never believed anyone actually existed that felt that way about controlling a human being. I can't begin to think that way of an animal- much less a human. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:39:48 PM | Dear OP
I wish with all my heart that I could answer your question. I was in the same situation myself with an emotionally abusive person. I took him back many, many times. And sometimes, I'm sorry to admit, I'm the one who went crawling back. It is soooo hard to break the hold that these people seem to have over you. It's as if you no longer have free will. Your dreams of how it 'could' or 'should' be are getting all mixed up with the reality of what IS, which is usually a lot more pain than it's worth. Hopefully these forums have helped a little. I recently posted a question and I've been overwhelmed by the kindness and compassion of the forum users. It's really incredible. One lady recommended a book to me, which I intend to get as soon as possible. From what I've read about it online, it might be something that would help you too.
All the best.
"Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm", by Sandra L. Brown, M.A., and Liane J. Leedom, M.D. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/18/2009 9:30:36 PM | hi
I know what you are talking about... when you go back for alot more hurt in your heart than you can handle or imagine. My man drank alot of the time he would become a little crazy and he would start to man handle me which was awful. and his mental infidelity was so bad. His friends do not see that or they were playing along with his game and they think he is a nice guy, but what goes on behind closed doors can be a night mare. I want to go to counciling and try to see if we can fix our problems, but it seems at times it is over whelming for me. We have been spilt up for about a 1.5 years and we are still maintaining a better relationship and we are still married but separated and we see each other nearly every weekend and he says it is not a relationship which i am applaud, because at times he will tell me he is so in love with me and he wants me to move back in, then the next day he says something totally different. which seems so hurtful. we hunt together and do alot of different activities which I absolutely enjoy our time together. All I want is some type of normalcy...does that ever exist or am i in a dream world? He is trying his hand on POF, I wonder how many women think they are getting prince charming and not knowing all the baggage some men have in their back ground, and only to get stuck in something pretty devastating and maybe detrimental to their lively hood. Letting go is the hardest thing you can ever do when you are still in love.
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/19/2009 10:01:07 PM | Because you get bored with a nice man. The bad boys are SOOO much more addictive, because they really get you high on sex, with its rush of endorphins that make you feel so attractive and so good about yourself.
Train yourself to exercise and find personal rushes of endorphins outside of sex. Then you won't be addicted to sex anymore. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/19/2009 11:08:13 PM |
Because you get bored with a nice man. The bad boys are SOOO much more addictive, because they really get you high on sex, with its rush of endorphins that make you feel so attractive and so good about yourself.
HUH? Good grief. Abusers aren't necessarily bad-boys nor is there a guarantee that a "nice guy" won't become an abuser. (And both genders can be abusive, this isn't gender specific.) I've never been a victim of Domestic Violence, but I was an active participant. The last thing on my mind after Mr. Nice Guy wasn't so nice was sex. I certainly wasn't going to get naked with him. Sex addiction? Oh Paaalease. You have sex on the brain. 
~OT~ I don't think people truly forgive an abuser when in the situation. I think they overlook the abuse. Forgiveness happens when we are of sound mind enough to make the decision to forgive, not when we aren't feared into it. I think that generally happens long after we finally leave and never return. JMO  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/20/2009 2:10:28 AM | I went back to mine 3 times after he had hurt me. He didn't realize he had actually hurt me because he was so drunk. It's sad really. He loved me and I loved him. We shared a lot of deep thoughts and memories and we both didn't want to let go of it. You have to figure it out on your own. You can ask for support from friends and family (well you shouldn't have to ask for it) but that's all they can do for you. I wish you all the luck I'm off for a CTS scan in the morning I hope you not in too deep.  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/23/2009 1:52:45 PM | | I know what you mean...My first real boyfriend that i cared alot about and loved...used to hit me and he even thur a computer at me....and i would keep going back since i kept saying to myself what if i leave will he come after me...but then i realize what if i stayed with him it will only get worst...I finally left him...but another thing you can't hold on to what they do you you...i met a great guy after this and i was scared he was going to do the same thing....and i pushed him away...you have to take one day at a time and realize that your better off without him..if you stay with him who says things won't get mad where it could even kill you....but you have to move on and not look back since you may date someone who is the right guy and if you hold on and think he will do the same you will loose him and regret it.... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:23:12 PM | | It is a total enigma to me why this happens .There are always signs,and love make us blind ,however as far as im concerned,the first time that your man makes you afraid of him and you no longer feel safe around him ,wheather they put their hands on you or not ,it may be look ,a scream whatever ,as soon as you no longer feel safe RUN ,I ll never instill fear in the woman i love ,i should be the person she feels the safest with .you dont abuse thank you.Back to why u stay im not a woman and im not one for bullshit so it will always bewilder me why ,like most are saying ,find yourself ,understand yourself and do not accept the slightest abuse in your life love yourself,And please give a nice guy a chance .They arent all snakes in the grass .If you really want to help yourself ,listen to your friends coworkers and family,look past alterior motives ,these are the people who love you and see most times what you cannot. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 2/24/2009 4:42:22 AM | Hi,
Feel so much better reading ur messages, i am not alone, you do start to think it is only you and all ur fault.........why does this keep happening i ask myself?
Why am i attracted to the bad guy?
My conclusion is that the Strong Independent,motivated,positive charachter which attracted him to me finally destroyed his self esteem so he started to try and control with verbal abuse and when that didn,t succeed he turned to violence in drunken rages but soon was like this without alcohol!!
Problem is the damage they cause to us ladies not just our children, how do we deal with it when the children have left home and its just little ol me on my own but with so much to give to the right man?
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:10:18 PM | Always tore me apart, feeling ashamed, even partly to blame...very sorry, in hearing your crushed spirits, and others that shared
I skimmed through this long thread, started nearly a year ago on this site, More than once I seen your plight from the other side, more than I cared. Dropped close friends, when I dared try to help, for I had to turn away before it came to a brutal fight.
Hurts even deeper, being labeled a 'relationship breaker'. If seen from their side, yes, perhaps I was.
Only comfort from that sting is, no friend of mine should have to hide in a web of lies, entrenched in deceit to have their selfish feast,and one it seems is not enough of a catch!
Tares ones heart, hearing them proclaim to who they say is the love of their life alone, only to watch them cast the lure again, to see what they may catch.
Talking to them, only helps their hand, to hoodwink you see.
When the people I felt were friends, learn honesty is more dear to me,than going along into the false stories they say to people they proclaim to love, wanting me to speak and stand up to what i know is not true, they began to lie to me just as well.
Oh, they keep me around, for you see they have a lot to gain!
I'm used as a excuse, saying there with me, or I caused some delay while they try for even more fun in seeing what else to conquest.
They enjoy talking to me, for what I've noticed, as they're busy doing these facades, that I felt were always the wrong path to take, only found it hurts myself not being who I am, and the guilt to know I'm use'n trickery, to win a false victory, a empty reward...
Found that left me more free of mind, to persue things of interest, try new hobbies, enjoy places to drive and see, life going around me.
You asked;
Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?
The friends I had, tried all they can, to be this man of your dream. Here's a short story, that left me feeling betrayed in haven this guy, considered a friend. His girlfriend started class again, talked him into taken a few courses too. So he talked me into heading back to collage, which I was happy in itself to do. First trip we car pooled all together, and was assured I always would have a ride to campus, I may have to wait hours for their other class to finish, but I was ok, not a issue, i'm easily entertained, with plenty to do to keep myself occupied.
So on the road for the first day, not more than 5 minutes since I left with them, my 'friend' starts up a conversation,that left me dumb found in seeing how shallow he was. You see it was hearing a parrot to me, reciting word for word what I been telling my friend just the other week, that I been reading and finding interesting to me, taken as his self-discoveries, that he worked hard on! I did not know what to say, so listened him out, hope'n he'd come to the end, to give proper credit in 'thats what JC was sharen with me', did he? NO, tells me "what do you think about it?"
Felt so betrayed, then thrown on a spot, one moment happy to return to collage, with a two new friends here, one I already knew, the other was his girlfriend...
I live a life best I could do, one of do no harm to the best of my abilities, and I sure did not want to lie, yet I wanted to say this became a quick trip to WTF Land for me. Sigh, so I with held and spoke with as much truthieness I could surmise, ''i dont know'' in part I did not know the best course to take with out ending up in a huge disaster, and last place I prefer to be is stranded in between destinations, in no where land. been there, best to avoid is my words of advice. So honestly, I did not know, best way at the time to say what I thought at that moment in time.
So you see, in short, they make a serious effort to do just that, make it that the only guy you ever will see, are those willing to lie, and steal to the best they can, from who ever they can!
Sigh, sorry for the huge reply, been a long time dragged over and over into this under toe.
Update on the same guy, he says sorry so believable, but watch how ones actions show his true spelling of the word.
Came over, dog faced an hurt, wife kicked him out (their together again atm), at 3am tired of hearing his tired old song and dance, nothing new to me, he's here to learn a different tune,eh. I let him stay, for I lived with no place as home, more than once, in strange lands, far from where I grew up.
After his sharing what led him this way, at the time of night, he tells me he also met a new girl, quickly assurting it means nothing, and he's not looking to date her. Just going to see her again later on the next day, to go over to a fish store together, hes telling me its to have a picture with them together, to post his myspace site, to show he loves his wife, and others still like him, so best act right and treat him good (i paraphrased his words, he told me this over 5 hours before he had to go, pick up the new girl)
I asked if I could tag along, he knows I've been down, no where to go, he says No, he asked me why, said I'd like to get away from the place here, plus she likes animals, an you said she's single, also been wanting to test something out, i been thinking about that has to do exactly with fish, of all coincedences.
Says No again to me, even when I did the best I could to plea with out crossing into begging...friends shouldnt force me to beg, eh?
Get this part, he asks what is it you want to test, tell me?
Told him didnt say I wanted you test this theory of mine, that I was reading and hearing about from a collage grad online.
What I wouldnt do no such thing as that...
You must understand how convincing he states that, to the point I even feel guilty and bad, to not tell him what it was...
I could so go on, with more tales, kinda lost track of how many characters I typed, seems PoF forums are more free with the space than other places I found myself, trying to help best I can.
Take care
JC
p.s. he even started to use his first name awhile back, instead of what it was when I and others I know, first met him, seems its the same as mine, perhaps it was just coincedence, or as he tells me, oh i never asked, he always wanted to be called by his first name. Once more he speaks it so convincenly I feel like a heel, to even have asked. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 3/28/2009 8:53:57 AM | Hello, I'm a widowed 48 year old guy who happens to have more lady friends than male friends. I was raised mostly be women, My Mom ,three older sisters and aunts. I quite often find myself in deep conversation with my lady friends about the same thing, abuse, self-esteem, and human nature.
These women are some of the sweetest women I've ever met yet they seem to run into this problem and It hurts me so, so bad.
Basically, what I try to do is to lift them up, give then praise, and show them the good and positive I find in them. If given the chance, I may even introduce them to other people who've once lived a life of pain but now have meaningful relationships. I tell them that I LOVE women, not to be confused with those guys who HATE women for they have many.
My opinion is that the more a man loves women, the more he treats them with respect, so maybe you may try chosing a man by the relationship he has with his Mom, sisters or daughters. If he doesn't show respect to the women in his family, there's no chance of you seeing any from him. Being abused is a learned behavior and I'm sure you're a sweetie . I know it's hard out there especially when you're lonely ,"which happens to be what these men prey on".
It reminds me of the contractors or auto mechanics who charge women more than they charge men, which to me seems to display a lack of manhood in itself!!
The only reason a man would charge a woman more is because he's a whimp, downlow, momma's boy whatever. I don't mean to be cruel but it's no worst than what they do to great women. Stay strong, know that your mind is as infinate as the universe , and allow him to get to know your mind because that's what keeps a real man in love forever. Your body , he will know soon enough and he will get tired of it if he's not inlove with your mind first, !!! peace....Lover of Women!!
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 3/28/2009 5:25:43 PM | My opinion is that the more a man loves women, the more he treats them with respect, so maybe you may try chosing a man by the relationship he has with his Mom, sisters or daughters. If he doesn't show respect to the women in his family, there's no chance of you seeing any from him.
I HAVE SAID THIS FOR YEEEEEEEARS. Look at how a man treats his momma....and you will see the kind of man you will have.!!
My daughter-in-law used to tell me my son needs to cut the apron string.
I reminded her of these words and to watch for examples with other people ..........just keep an open mind.
My son married her when her two girls were 1 and 2.
He is an E-8 in the Army..definietly not a momma's boy...but he loves me, he respects me, and I have one really happy daughter-n-law that is closer to me in so many ways even more than her own mother.
My granddaughters have the most wonderful father because he has been taught from infancy up.that you cannot love someone, and not love and respect what's their's.
My wonderful husband was a true southern gentleman, and he respected, adored , and showed honor to his momma as long as she lived. After she had died, he always called his sister in Alabama on his momma's birthday, and the day of her death to share that remerance
When my husband died, all of my children offered to help me financially..........and I thanked them but told them" don't cripple me".........I have to do this on my own".
My son told me, "Mom, the circle of life is you take care of us, then we take care of you when you get old"/ I said" thanks Sweetie, and when I get OLD, I will let you know".
To this day my son knows absolutely nothing about the man I met online that sent me reeling at his blatant lies and abuse. My son is in another state on an Army Base.
It was my mistake, my stupidy, and I handled it. But if my son had know about me being abused in any way............there would have been a big PROBLEM!!
Even though I was as much to blame for allowing it, and participating....my children would not, especially my son, have seen it that way.
My son did sit down and have the " talk" with me............when he figured I was getting ready to venture back out. ( abuser already history).........and explained to me that there were not any men out there anymore like my husband was...........if I was going to date I would need to know the "score". It really was soooooooooo cute and he was so serious........I only wish he had told me a year before. I LOVE THAT YOUNG MAN!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 3/29/2009 5:30:20 PM | | We forgive and go back because we are afriad of change, the next step, starting over, whats out there, and because women like problems and if they dont have an issue to solve there not happy, and being with an abusive man, that will ALWAYS be a problem. Sometimes when a girl gets into a relationship, he life was already border line bad before she hooked up with the absuive man, then after, sometimes it feels like being with him is better then going back. I think women stay in a relationship like this until they have an escape plan. To leave a relationship like this, you need your friends and your family and ALOT of strenth. Sometimes being with him, is better then where you would be without him. Pin pointing the nice guy, from the nice guy who will hit, takes experience, and once you experinece it, you will NEVER forget the signs. Look first at his parents, what roles his paretns do at home. Is Mom always in the Kitchen and Dad always in the Garage doing what ever he wants? Are his parents together or split. His history, how many girlfriends has he had, why did they break up. Look at his friends, is he a loner? Once dating him, how long before he says I love you, does he ask you to cancel plans with your friends or family to hang out with him? There are so many signs. Seems like you are in this situation right now, and my advice is, before you leave, is to set goals, find something or someone that will make you strong enough to pack your bags and never come back, understand it is not your fault, understand it is NOT your job to make him better. Understand this will be something you remember for your entire life and will always effect you, remember that no matter what situation is there will always be someone out there worse off then you. (that will give you strenth) After you finally get out, seek help. You will think you are fine and everything is okay. But in your next relationship, you will not trust, you will have learned to hurt him before he hurts you (cheating etc. ) you will either become an emotional wreck or closed the door to your heart. Just remember there is a way out, and nobody can tell you to leave, and no one can stop you from going back, it is you that has to come to terms with that. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 3/30/2009 1:03:05 PM | | this is very what i went through , and my excuse was always the kids need their dad , if u don't have kids run as fast as youcan , it is that easy ,just do it. life it to short to to not .i did it said i was tking the kids to the park, then went to a hotel w/kids, and a groupof ladies helped me go from hotl to hotl .i left alot too, a bussness,house, boat,4 vehicles but i started over one piece at a time. and now i dont have to be phisically,mentally, or verbally abused anymore, so take my advice and get out now ,it'll only get worse.from someone who went to hell and back | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/2/2009 9:00:16 PM | Being a former volunteer at the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault program, I can tell you that Loz Hunter's comments are right on target.
Remember that saying "Friends First" there is really a lot of merit in that phrase in seeking a companion. I found real insight in Steve Harvey book, "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man". It tells us as women what we should be looking for, before we give up the "cookie" to someone. Should be required reading for all women considering finding a mate.
To get back on track with your self-worth consider "21 Suggestions for Success" by H. Jackson Brown Jr.
And it will get better, having been there, I can tell you "Time Wounds all Heels".
golddust727 | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/2/2009 9:20:53 PM | | well the fact is its about control for the man and the woman just happens to be the one who takes the abuse. i have never struck a woman myself but a man that does is a coward. this they know thats why the fight with a woman instead of another man that would probably kick their lil ass. they do it because it gives them the power, and boy do they love it because with that power they can control them to do whatever they want them to do . so ladies stand up for yourself and the first time any man gets aggressive with you its time to go bye bye , because it wont be the last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please take that to heart and love yourself not an abuser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/3/2009 4:46:27 AM | How about being in the hospital for two weeks and finding your wife addicted to crack and cocaine? Flushing the drugs down the toilet and setting her to go into the seashore house and then alla sudden I was shot in the gut with my 12 gauge....not allmen are voilent. I even took the blame and drove to Camden to say I got shot being in the wrong town...I've never seen her or my two stepsons again. I know about pain , she cost me my house, my job, over 1.2 millionin cash and simply moved to the south of france... | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/3/2009 2:34:31 PM | I have found myself at the library quite often these days.
I had a very abusive first marriage. A few failed relationships after that...I didn't trust and I couldn't do the whole casual relationship thing.
A man came along and rescued me. I will always be greatful for that. I never was in love with him but he showed me how I was supposed to be treated.
I had four brothers, that although I am sure they love me.......really put me thru hell in my childhood.
When I met my late husband I had come out of the fear of any abuse. We had a wonderful awesome marriage.......for twenty years.until he died on our anniversary. The bottom came out of my world. It took 18 months to even consider dating any one. The first man I dated was really a nice guy...we are still friends.....but for whatever reason " it" wasn't there for either of us. The I met him.
He said everything in so many ways like my beloved husband. He seemed patient and assured me he woud never hurt me. He played all the " it must be tough to be a widow" bull. I just fell........hook, line, and sinker. I was so raw emotionally.
By the time I realized he was so far from what he claimed to be....I went thru so much turmoil. The feelings felt so familiar.....but so strange....like I had lived them before but when?
My husband was the epitomy of a decent loving man. I went over and over in my mind and on paper how I felt or was treated by other relationships. Before I even got part way thru the list...I got this really sick feeling in my stomach. I was repeating allowing someone to abuse me as my first husband had.
I talked to my family doctor about it....and he said it was not uncommon for someone with such a tragedy in their life to not care about what happened to them....like I thought I didn't deserve any more because Ray was dead and I had no right to be happy. It was a terrible time for me.
I am dating a wonderful man, a little younger, and the abuser has been out of my life for months. I haven't laid eyes on him since last September, although there had been emails and a few phone converstions until the first part of January.
I suspect the fact that I was dating others, being happy, and not allowing him to manipulate me is the final reason for his angry outbursts at that time. He did me a favor, but I am still haunted at times of why I could ever possibly let him have that much control over my emotions at that time.
I am reading a book...."BUT HE SAYS HE LOVES ME.by Dina McMillan........that is very enlightening. I have also gotten some of the other material on here suggested by other posters. One is the role of a dysfunctional childhood of abusers and those that allow themselves to be abused.
I forgive him....and told him so.........not for him as much as me.
I know what kind of person I am , I know I am loveable, I know how to love, and was loved for over twenty years unconditionally by an awesome man. In a lot of ways that makes me ahead of the game, but is a new world out there compared to when the majority of us older women dated.
Men are more deceptive ( and women) and feelings are washed away like bubbles down a drain. I believe in committment, love, honesty, and all of those things that seem to be so out of style. I don't want to be jaded.
I want to be armed with as much info as possible.
I understand the forgive, .......and I have went back....but I am glad did.........for me it was closure. I just couldn't believe for such a long time that he or anyone could be that cold and calculating. It was as if a light came on. I did everything I could do on purpose to bring who he was to he surface. ( I wasn't afraid of physical abuse.......I would have laid him out!!!)........ It worked because people can only fake so long...........He showed me in his words and actions how shallow and low he was. It still hurt because I had cared deeply for the man I thought I had fell in love with..but he never existed. After that .........I KNEW I WAS FREE!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:58:22 PM | Some women love to feel the opposite of what they are. Feminine loves masculine, and vice versa. If the women feels vulnerable and weak, then a man who is rough, aggressive may give her a feeling of protection. Along with that testosterone comes the potential for abuse. Perhaps some women are addicted to a man with an edge.
That makes it rough on the stable gentleman who is not abusive. That is a tough choice for some women - living with nice stability, or living with a dicey, exciting relationship. You get to choose by your choice of affiliations with single men.
I suppose there is the reverse, too, about men's choices in women. The one is not embarrassing to show to your family and friends as your new love interest, or the one who is more fun, sexy, flirtatious. Again, it's a choice.
You could project into the future and see yourself at 70 years old. Which mate would you want at that time? Let's also stipulate for this concept, that once you marry, that's it; no divorce. Hard to pick which type is right for you. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/5/2009 10:40:14 PM | | Hi, I too have just been a victim of emotional abuse from a pof user (in retrospect the fact that he removed his profile immediatley after making contact with me was a warning sign)I was a prime target having just come out of a 16yr marriage and very wounded emotionally already, 3 months later I am even more wounded due to this abuser, and although all my family and friends told me he was no good I still persisted to the bitter end, getting more and more wounded in the process. I have finally seen the light thanks to this posting on the forum and wish to thank you for sharing your pain with me, because in turn you have helped me finally to wake up to his behaviour. I had so many signs -his lies , his cheating,his not wanting to become part of my life, his not accepting any responsibility for his behaviour, never apologizing, his own life kept private from me,where he lived etc, all kept separate- all were exposed by a million -to -one chance I had actually met his ex-wife before even meeting him, the ex-wife that he told me had died -yet I still forgave him and continued in the hope that forgiveness and love conquers all - unfortunately it did not, all it did was damage me more, his cruelty in how he built up intimacy online between us in preparation to our dates, and then stood me up time and time again,never intending to meet me at all - giving me no reason or telling me terrible lies - I see my stubborness in hanging on to him almost like a self punishment for the failing of my 16yr marriage, like I deserved this abuse or something. What an awful web I wove- hopefully I can now start to self heal and nurture myself back to wholeness again. It will be a very very long time before I will be ready for another relationship I know that for sure. Again thank you for sharing what you have, as it sure has helped me move away from the destruction. ThankYou xx | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:39:14 PM | My advice is to look up social psychopath...or narssasistic personality disorder....there are support groups....also look up the 'no contact contract'. Seek support groups.
These men are predators, they manipulate and are parasites that suck your self-esteem and energy for their own empowerment and leave you feeling that you can't manage without them.
12 years I have just spent with one of these men.....and after years of forgiving him millions of times....last year, he decided that he wanted to 'find himself'.....I was forgotton like a 'fart in the wind'. No life, no friends, no home and no confidence.
I still cry for him, but he doesn't even remember my name.....He's engaged now. Some how...we move on...Don't ask me when. | |
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