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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/8/2009 8:05:21 PM | well i dont know where to start on your question, im sorry you have had to go through stuff like this honestly i am. ill have to take a quote from an elder i once knew. he had said to me when i was younger, "good men out there when i was your age were a 1 in 10 chance to find one, but now in your generation only 50years later its now 1 in a million" i for one had to disagree with him because all the so called "nice guys" out there are more or less in hiding because most girls yes are drawn to the wrong guy that is the abusive waste of space(in my opinion) so most guys that are the "nice" guy or feel they are will cover themselves in an cloak of secrecy if you will, so they are not to be hurt from a woman thinking they are like every other guy. lil contradictory there but bare with me. as i will make my point now, all guys (including myself) can be the ass of a relationship the wrong person completely for someone. but to find that one person that is made for you you have to first take the risks learn the heart ache to better yourself for your knight in shinning armor. yes i just said that i know corny but its true. but you have to believe and believe is the hardest thing to do i udnerstand that completely. make the person wait and get to know them learn as much as possible about them when you think you know everything you dont keep asking and keep learning till you run out of things to learn and take the information at hand to make the best decision possible dont let your heart cloud your instincts judgment.
that would be one step to getting stronger and for letting go that i cannot answer honestly cuz it is something you must do for yourself and no one person can read your mind or the one you are tryin to let go of. that is a bridge you must cross on your own two feet but you will always have people behind you supporting you just stop and listen they are there. good luck and i wish you the best of luck. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/8/2009 9:01:47 PM | | I wish i could copy and paste this and send it to my ex ....You've said everything i have told him but he still doesn't think he has a problem ..Maybe seeing someone elses saying the same thing would open his eyes ..It won't let me copy and paste though ...to bad .....Thanks for the info though ....Stay safe ladies | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/9/2009 1:15:57 AM | | I have been abused and it is tough to get away but you must you know. once he hits you or yells at you in any drop him like a hot rock it will not get better. I had to learn this one the hard way. My husband use to beat me and I told him it was not ok but what I really needed was just to kick him out. One nite he hit me and knocked me into the bedroom because I would not let him hurt our grandson and I kicked him out and did not look back . That is what you need to do as well never look back and do not listen to I am sorry because they only say that because they do not think you will follow threw . You must follow through it is the only way . this is not love so please save yourself because if someone truely loved you they could never hurt you in anyway. If you need help I will help all you have to do is take the first step email me and I will come and get you so you will not have to be around him anymore. save house will really help. | |
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BBBOYS
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Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 279 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/9/2009 4:57:22 PM | | Hi it is called power and control. You deserve better. Take back your life. What is it you want and how are you going to get what you want. You are in comtrol of your life not the abusive man. He is not a man just some one looking for a free ride. You are a survivor no longer the victom. God bless you. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/9/2009 9:42:23 PM | | What a question. Here's a twist for you. I was married to the most abusive **** you could ever imagine. She gave me vd for my 2nd anniversay. I had to go to domestic violence classes becase she beat her Mom up. Still, I stayed married to her. I take that institution very seriously. She had to divorce ME before I let go. She wasn't like that when I met her. You can't tell the difference. That's the predicament you're in, and it's so very unfair. They let you fall in love with them before they bare their claws! Then it's too late. I think you'll find that abusers are also liars and cheaters. The pisser is that they make you fall in love with them before they pull their shit. That's what's so hard. Then you're already sucked in. That's what they want. You just have to believe that you're better than that. The hell with them. Move on. It's hard in the beginning, but it's better than staying with a disrespectful turd. | |
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Javex
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Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 281 | |
| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/10/2009 7:55:35 PM | In childhood I ran the entire spectrum of abuse for extended periods. I am lucky to be alive. As an adult my choices had been made for me. That is, until I sobered up and began to realise that my background was not an indictment. I was not wearing a beacon on my forehead that said, "Abuse me".
All men offer samples of their behaviour when we meet them. Normal women will not put up with swearing about ex's, drinking too much, or being overly possessive. We do because its what we are used to. The key is to accept that we too are also normal women with the rights of normal women. The rights of choice.
We have been dancing the old dance for so long that it takes a while to learn a new one. We convince ourselves that there is no one out there quite like him and that no one will have us, and he quite often feeds into this.
And when we do leave, we are racked by loneliness, and the frustration of finding that the next few fellows are also abusive. Yet we wonder if nice guys are exciting enough.
The reason for this is that we are taking these new steps on faith. We make mistakes, stumble, go back and forth. The average woman dances back and forth 8 times. I was thrown out 3 times before I left. It's just the way it is.
Will he change? Remember that he is also caught up in the dance. However not that many people are willing to change. Accept this, and move on.
Spend a little less time on what has happened and a little more time on what things would be like if you got past this. With that goal in mind you will see steady progress. Good luck!  | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:06:32 PM | I use to be where you are possibly now. I grew up being abused and battered. I grew up with a lot of negativity. You are a soul after my own heart. If you are a bit like me you tend to be sympathetic to your abuser, or you feel as though it is somehow your fault. I spent time alone and realized that what I was use to was wrong. Even then I am somehow drawn to the same type. At first, the men I dated didn't wear a sign on thier shirt saying they were ***holes. No, some hide it and some don't. I felt that since all my life I was called "stupid, shallow, worthless,**** and a slut, or I was too fat, or too skinny or too loud, or the way I ate was annoying, or the clothes I wore were unattractive. This is how it really is. When these men, who call themselves men, see us, they see the truth. Our openess, our unconditional love, our understanding, our meekness, or our gift to be there when no one else would give them the time of day. You see, they know we are beautiful, and loving and mistakenly think that it is weakness. after awhile the same thing they were attracted to us is the same thing they can't stand about us. What they really desire is a woman that, by thier definition, or opinion, is strong. Who is "Super Woman" who can do everything so they don't have to do anything. Let me tell you, I am single and loving it. I took inventory of my personality. I believed I was worth more than what I was led to believe. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am articulate. I am a great mother, I do have class, and the most important I forgave myself for not being what "They"wanted me to be. I now embrace and accept me for me. I became my biggest supporter. I became my hereo. I became my best friend. I know there are somethings I don't like about myself but I recognize the things about me that I can change and I love what I am not. So you see, I turned the tables. I decided to give all that I was giving to these selfish, insecure, scared, little men, to myself instead. To give myself unconditional love and realize YES I AM WORTH IT!!!!!!!! Trust me we are the stronger ones who are NOT afraid to love. Who are stronger than thier opinion of us. You are strong, you are smart, and you are beautiful. You don't have to keep trying with an abusive man to prove that to him. Worry about what you think of you and stop giving them the power to make that desician for you. Your stronger than you think. Much stronger than him. Don't allow him or anyone else define who you are, because it is false. The truth lies within your very own soul. Do what is right, embrace your self and realize you are worth more than gold!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/27/2009 8:48:20 AM | you are an amazing person and i have gotten some insight from you and i thank you so much from my heart as i can relate to exactly what you are saying, I think i needed to read that this morning as i was thinking about my husband (ex) or soon to be. Yes i have been told i am beautiful, inside and out... but it took me along time to realize that because i was for my husband through thick and thin even when he hurt me mentally and physically. Everyone said we were the prefect match and i gave up my whole entire previous life to be with him and loved what we did togethr, but when it came down to the drinking it was pure hell when he went off the deep end and i tried so hard to defuse the situation everytime and it would get totally out of control, and he would accuse me of trying to steal his house or sleeping with other men or he would start comparing my body parts (while we were in bed) with his past girlfriends or telling me that if it were not for his co-worker's boyfriend (now husband) she would be having sex with him. He had such a crush on her and so when one day when they had to work down island on the ship yard, they were going to share a small hotel room together, they are both drinkers and she was a rec drug users, and when i would go down to visit i was told not to bother to come anymore as i would be invading his space. One time i went to visit, the co-worker was pretty intoxicated and she told me , they were nearly rolled up in the couch bed together. I did not know what to think ...it was awful. I thought never in my entire life would i ever hurt so much as i am now although we have been seperated for nearly 18 months, we have been seeing each other and maintained some type of relationship( sleeping together and do out door activities) and each time we are together it makes it so much harder to cut ties. sometimes he had called me on many occassions 14/15 times threw the night and asking me to come home. Now i told him we are are going to a judical hearing regarding our property settlement and he has now slowed down which helps a great deal in giving me my space i wanted. It truly is something awful to loose the love of your life to the almighty bottle. I was always blamed for things i did not do and it was very difficult to fathom. The worst part i was warned about his alcoholism just when we were going together by a family member and i did not know the ramifications of alcoholism and i thought i was going to be alright with it, well now i do belong to alanon and i have come to understand what it is all about and the effects and the hurt and ruins it does leave you in. were only married for three short, whirlwind years. I have lost me husband and my home. As to date we have been together and seeing each other for nearly six years.
He is on this site now looking for his next lady and whom ever this person will be i hope they have better luck than i did. I guess you can certainly call me a co-dependant. It has been pretty difficult. I need time to get my life back on track for me. I wish with all my heart that he would go to councilling and detox get better and then and only then i would go back. I am only living a pipe dream.
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/27/2009 11:30:29 AM | Hey it is going to be alright. I have been there where you are, you think that they will change. They tell you they love you and it is usually good for awhile. I finally after 2 times being abused to realize that enough was enough.
A police officer also told me that he too had an abousive person and I think that opened my eyes to know that it was just not me. You deserve better and shoud only put positive into your life, not negative or drama.
I got rid of him , but hten he came back a year later and broke into my home and beat me infront of my children. You haveto take all precautions to keep yourself safe.
Look in you are there are support groups or if you live in Sprinfield, ohio there is project woman. They can help you with everything. You can even get counseling help.
You just need to tell youself the you deserve better and should be treated like a queen.
So good luck. Keep your head up. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 1:01:31 AM | You learn to internalize the abuse as guilt and that's why you keep coming back for more.
Many abused women feel guilt for reporting their abusers and will often remain in the relationship because they feel they've done wrong | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 4:30:03 AM | Reading through this thread reveals an erroneous perception amongst many that being psychologically or physically abused is solely or predominately in the domain of women. In fact it is not. A number of studies show that men are frequently the victims of physical and psychological abuse by women, including physical beatings and murder! So why the emphasis on women being abused while the issue of male abuse is played down? Because in our society a man is not supposed to publicly express his pain and fears, physical or psychological, because to do so implies that he is weak and ineffectual! So numerous men continue in abusive relationships and sustain their pain in silence while their abusive female partners are rarely held to the same level of accountablity. If one wishes corroborative proof of this assertion merely glance through the numerous posts by men on the broken heart thread and you will get an some idea how prevalent this situation is.
My point is not to negate male on female abuse BUT to emphasize that abuse is not specific to the male gender but a human condition that needs to be kept in mind when we generalize about how abusive men are towards women. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 7:23:33 PM | It's called masochism. You like being abused. Just admit it.
"Nice Guys" are BORING. Right?
Wanna guy to "whisper sweet nothings"?
Nope.
You prefer being called a "b***h!".
Want a guy to hold your hand?
Nope.
You prefer getting your "face slapped". & so on....
Go date a "Boy Scout",or stop complaining.
And I would SAY..that I hope you are kidding.......anyone that REALLY believes this ........has all the makings of the men we are talking about. You need to get a good dose of reality. This is not funny!!!
Women/or men.that find themselves in this situation are usually the most loving, tenderhearted, compassionate people on the face of the earth.
A wolf in sheep's clothing ..is still a wolf. As a pastor once said " you don't tame wolves, you KILL them with a staff." The only way to "kill" the abuse of an abuser is to leave, get help from either family and friends..or a good counselor trained in the field. These people on here have been wounded with no real understanding of why when they gave their all.
I pray you never have the instance to be in their situation............but be careful ....fate has a way of bringing to you what you poke fun at in others.
I applaud all those that have the courage to walk away and find that peace within themselves
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 8:26:27 PM |
Why is it you can be drawn to the wrong man, and even after all the abuse, still go back?
Because your a complete and utter moron. The first time he hits you that's his fault, everytime after thats your fault. I don't care what the situation there's no excuse. You got kids together? Too fvcking bad it's worse to see mommy beat on everyday then to not have daddy around. No money? welfare ...... Sorry about the ranting but when the "victim" lets the guy beat on her on the regular she becomes part of the problem. If a guy was stupid enough to hit me he'd get a frying pan to the face regardless how long we've been together or how much i loved him. And the men in my life past and present knows thats how i roll.Only pvssy's hit women anyway. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 8:27:20 PM | | First you need to have a strong self esteem and love yourself unconditionally. Most women are drawn to these abusive men because they think they deserve no better. These women need to get mad, stay mad, stand up for themselves, believe that they are worth being treated with the respect one human being should give another. Many will stay with a man who makes their life a living hell because they were brainwashed by society into believing that they are better off having a man, any man then none at all. Always remember these things, do not put up with bad behavior, do not make excuses for bad behavior, someone who loves you will not hurt you and treat you disrespectfully. A man who is is abusing you , mentally, physically or emotionally DOES NOT LOVE YOU, even if he says he loves you, he loves himself only. I would rather have a lonely heart then a broken heart, or broken bones. I say this from experience, I am much happier being alone, not having to fear what he will do next to abuse me. I just got very tired of feeling hopeless and rejected every day because of this man. It took me till I was 40 yrs old to feel that I deserved better then to be treated like dirt. Now, I will never let anyone abuse me in anyway ever again, and if that means I will be alone forever, so be it. btw, I have never been happier then I am now, with or without a man in my life! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 8:37:44 PM | | Its easy to pass judgment on a situation one has never been through. Anyone who say its the womans fault if she stays, is a thoughtless moran who has never been in such a situation. They are the ones who say they would never put up with abuse from a man, good for them, unfortunately, they have never been in such a situation and when they find themselves in an abusive relationship, all of a sudden, its different, I have known many of them. Never judge someone elses actions unless you fully understand this complex issue and have experienced it yourself, otherwise, it just makes you sound ignorant. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/28/2009 11:37:31 PM | | If you stay your enabling the abusers. It is hardly complex at all. Present a complex situation and that sh!t will be broken down before you can say boo. No matter how different you think it is, it isn't ..a man hits you...you leave ..the variables don't matter. And i don't care how many of your friends were abused there is no excuse for staying in an abusive relationship. It is a terrible situation, i will for sure give you that. But staying with a guy that hits you everyday for 5 years is pathetic......unless of course there were previous mental issues. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:08:46 AM |
Its easy to pass judgment on a situation one has never been through. Anyone who say its the womans fault if she stays, is a thoughtless moran who has never been in such a situation. They are the ones who say they would never put up with abuse from a man, good for them, unfortunately, they have never been in such a situation and when they find themselves in an abusive relationship, all of a sudden, its different, I have known many of them. Never judge someone elses actions unless you fully understand this complex issue and have experienced it yourself, otherwise, it just makes you sound ignorant.
This is soooooooooo true, whether it be physical or emotional abuse.
But it is always good to hear from those Monday morning quarterbacks that have not lived thru the situation.
How smart we were when we young and found out later how we weren't smart at all.
I still say kudos to all who have survived the emotional turmoil and got " back on their feet.
No ONE is worth your self esteem!! | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 4:01:07 PM | | I can not give you advice because I have been in a relationship that drained me also. He was a daily drinker, always had friends around and ready to go on trips at the drop of a hat. The problem was when the real world interfered with his party world there was a price to pay. If I said no (I did often)I was treated like dirt. cussed screamed at totally embarrassed. He would sober up and I would become the BEST thing that ever happened to him.Totally different person without beer. I was totally in love with part of him and disgusted at the sight of the other side of him. I put up with this for eight years ,I made him leave several times and he would find a way to make me want or need him.The hardest part was I have a son that adored him and a daughter that tolerated him. Their father has nothing to do with them.He still will just drop by, cut my grass, or just call out of the blue. It is like he wants his free life but wants me sitting on the sideline. How do I make myself just close this door? I do need him at times to help me, but I think I just need a mechanic and contractor on speed dial so he won't have a reason to drop by. What would you tell the kids? My son asks about him often. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:09:06 PM | Fear, self loathing, maybe you don't feel you deserve a real man, familiar pain is better than living a life filled with happiness. Thats just for starters. I could go on but it's hard to change the minds of those who have a lifetime of poor spouse choices.
Antichrist | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 5:47:21 PM | Because they are excellent master manipulators. Join online site daily strength, recognise your ex over and over again in the posts, as if you were all dating same man!! they use same tactics draw you in, come on strong as if your most fancied woman in the world, love you as you've never been loved, you are so happy then bang out of nowhere they hurt you a cycle begins, build you up to bring you down again, clever manipulation of your mind, blame yourself for splitting, go back hoping to be more caring only to be let down again.
I suffered roller coaster relationship for 8 years didn't know what was wrong with me going back for more again and again, joined physical and emotional abuse on daily strength, never looked back and i'm happy now. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 6:26:15 PM | I see what you are talking about and i am so sorry that you had to go threw that knd of stuff. Thank god there is nice people out there like me that is always out there trying to help people in any way i can even if it is to sit down with some one and just listen to what is on there mind. I got my heart broken 1year an half ago by a girl so i know how it is to be hurt. You forgive and go back because maybe you dont want to be alone but the thing is nothing is worth being treatd like a dog just not to be alone. Always tell your self that you are worth a hole lot more then what you are going threw. You are a strong woman otherwise you would not have been pickd to give birth i know i could not to that. | |
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| Abusive men, why do we forgive and go back? Please help.
Posted: 4/29/2009 7:31:04 PM | | well im sorry but people who stay with a abusive person means a person has so low self esteem that they think ok well maybe he will quit. well that rarely happens. if you truly care for yourself then the first time it happens that someone hits you you get out of the relationship right away! love shall not hurt. i think women use i love you, to patch it up, but in reality they are going to mess themselves up mentally letting a man abuse them. is it worth your life to wait and see, cause men have ended up killing their so called loved ones, over their temper! | |
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